Arousal

by Simone Sowood

  I thought this was supposed to be about the two of us taking a vacation together. What was this personal thing? I was about to ask when the jet started speeding down the runway and hurtled into the air.

  Chicago grew smaller underneath us, and I kept my head glued to the window until the familiar landmarks were too small to make out.

  Steph, the flight attendant, appeared once we’d leveled off, with drinks and hors d’oeuvres.

  “Dinner will be ready in about thirty minutes,” she said setting a plate of bruschetta on the table between Collin and I.

  “Great Steph, thanks.” Collin’s voice didn’t have its normal tone. It seemed like a dark edge crept into it.

  “So, what’s the personal stuff you have to sort out?”

  “Can we have dinner first?”

  Collin shifted in his seat and looked over to Blake.

  I could be mistaken, but Blake seemed to be an angry man. He hadn’t said anything since I’d stepped onboard. Not even hello. He sent off a ‘don’t mess with me’ vibe, which I suppose made sense since he works in nightclubs, but this is his private life, why not relax?

  “Fine. But I don’t like this feeling that you’re hiding something.”

  Collin bit off a large mouthful of bruschetta and chewed. Blake had finished all his bruschetta already and Steph brought him another plate of it.

  Collin didn’t attempt any conversation.

  The tension in the air on the plane was thick enough to cut with my knife. To cope, I took my phone out and flicked through my apps. For a moment I considered playing Candy Crush, a game I’d weaned myself off two years ago, but Steph arrived with our dinner just in time.

  Delicious smelling chicken Alfredo filled the air with garlic.

  “Here you go,” Steph said setting my plate in front of me.

  “Thanks Steph, it smells delicious,” I said, glad to have spoken to someone, anyone to break the mood.

  The three of us ate our meal in silence, my mind spinning the entire time of whatever Collin didn’t want to tell me. Was he moving back to Honolulu? Was he coming to sort out a house?

  Silence hung over us all they way through the passionfruit cheesecake dessert. At long last, Steph came and cleared away the last of the plates, ending the hour and a half of torture.

  I cleared my throat and said, “Dinner’s finished, are you going to tell me now?”

  Collin collapsed the table between us, folding it into a clever compartment hidden in the wall of the plane. He perched on his seat and reached across to take my hands in his.

  While I waited for him to speak, I couldn’t decide if I wanted to know or not. Everything had been going so well between us, and I panicked it was all about to end.

  “I…I have no idea how to tell you this.” He shifted his eyes to mine. “Someone died.”

  “What? Oh my god, that’s terrible. Who?”

  Collin wagged his head in a half nod, half shake. He squeezed my hands, so tightly it hurt but I didn’t stop him, I wanted him to talk.

  “My wife.”

  “What? You’re married?” My heart raced, as I tried to sort through my confusion.

  “Separated. We were separated.”

  “But why didn’t you tell me?” I pulled my hands from his and gripped the tops of my arms.

  “I didn’t know how. I didn’t want to lose you.”

  “So if she hadn’t died, would you’ve told me?” I looked around the plane, searching for escape when one was impossible. Blake stared at us, the same angry look on his face.

  “Yes. Definitely. I’ve been trying to finalize the divorce.”

  “I see. When was that going to be?”

  “She held things up, it should’ve been done by now, before we ever got back together.”

  I nodded, not sure how to react or what to think. In all the times I asked him what he’d done over the past seven years, he never once said anything about a serious relationship, let alone getting married.

  I flopped back in my chair, conscious of Blake’s eyes on me. How could we have such an intimate conversation with an audience? A great, big, angry one.

  “Baby, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, that was wrong. You deserved to know.”

  I bit my bottom lip and nodded, still trying to absorb the information.

  “I can’t believe you never told me you’re married.”

  “Was. I was married.”

  “Right, you’re a widower now. I’m sorry for your loss”

  The color drained from Collin’s face. Perhaps I was giving him too hard a time. After all, the guy’s wife just died. His fucking wife. And he was telling me on a plane on the way to deal with the dead body. I swallowed my outrage to keep some control in front of Blake.

  “Baby, it might sound harsh, but she meant nothing to me, I never liked her. Not for one day.”

  “Then why did you marry her?”

  Collin sat back in his seat, and glanced at Blake. His eyes found mine again, a renewed heat in them. “I hated her. I’ve always hated her. She’s a horrible person. Was a horrible person.”

  “So you’re glad she’s dead?” My voice betrayed my disgust that anyone would ever be glad over another human’s death.

  “No. Not at all. I didn’t want her to die. All I ever wanted was for her to leave me alone.”

  The earlier silence resumed, Collin and I both stuck in our thoughts. Blake, I had no idea what went on in Blake’s head, or why he didn’t seem to feel the least bit awkward at watching the exchange between Collin and I.

  After a few minutes I asked, “Sounds like you really hated her.”

  “I did. She was a truly awful excuse for a human being.”

  “Why?”

  “Huh?”

  “Why did you marry such a horrible person?”

  Collin

  How do I explain this mess to Jenny without sounding like an asshole myself?

  “Honor,” I said.

  She burst out laughing, a ruckus laugh that prevented her from speaking.

  My leg jiggled, waiting for her to stop and say something. I’m scared as hell I’m going to lose her for this. And if I don’t, I’ll lose her over Harlan.

  She wiped the tears of laughter from her eyes and said, “Did you just say honor? For real?”

  “Yeah baby, I did.” My cheeks went warm with embarrassment and shame.

  “Honor because…”

  I closed my eyes and muttered, “She was pregnant.”

  “Pregnant! You have a child?”

  I nodded.

  “Are you fucking serious? You have a fucking child and you didn’t tell me? During any of the conversations we had about what we’d been up to since we’d last seen each other? You didn’t think it was worth mentioning?”

  “I didn’t want to lose you.”

  “Why would you lose me if you had a child? What decade do you think we live in?”

  “I’m sorry baby, I really am.”

  “Sorry because you have a child, or because you lied to me?”

  “Both.” I wanted a child with Jenny. A perfect life with her.

  “This child. Do you hate it as much as you hated her?”

  “No baby, it’s not like that. My son, Harlan, he’s the reason I stopped drinking.”

  “Now you tell me. Didn’t we sit on this very plane and I asked you why you stopped drinking?”

  Fuck, I fucked this up. “You’re right, I should’ve told you then.”

  “Harlan huh, do you have much to do with him?”

  “I’ve been trying to get custody. She’s been using him to get more money in the settlement.”

  Jenny’s face didn’t betray what she was thinking. I thought I knew her so well, could read her so well, but right now she was a blank.

  “Do you want to see some photos of him?” I pulled out my phone and flicked into the album.

  We each leaned forward in our seats and I held out my phone for her to see. Her hand wrapped around mine as she tilte
d the screen to see. Not wanting to lose the warmth of her hand, I didn’t let go.

  As Jenny flicked through the photos, she flicked her eyes back and forth between the screen and my face. Occasionally she looked over to Blake.

  “He’s adorable,” she finally said.

  “That smile’s enough to melt the heart of a guy like me.”

  Jenny looked into my eyes and smiled, a smile that flickered across my heart and made me think maybe everything would be okay. I couldn’t wait to see Harlan in her arms.

  “Is that her?” Jenny pointed to the photo of Raylene holding Harlan.

  “Yeah, that’s Raylene.”

  “It’s a bit freaky, kind of like looking in the mirror for me.”

  “Oh no baby, she is nowhere near as beautiful as you.”

  “She’s more beautiful,” Blake said, his gruff voice taking me by surprise.

  “Exactly, Jenny, you’re far more beautiful.”

  “No. Raylene is more beautiful,” Blake said.

  “Blake, what the fuck are you talking about?”

  “I’m tired of sitting here, listening to you trash Raylene. She was a beautiful woman.”

  Blake almost never offered an opinion. And never without being asked for it. He knew better than to butt in on one of my private conversations. But more than that, why was he defending Raylene? Why did he even have an opinion on her?

  “I’m not about to get into a debate with you over this. Is there some other point you’re trying to make?”

  The big man’s body shuddered and he buried his hands in his face. Jenny’s eyes widened as she stared transfixed by Blake, his sobs now audible.

  In all the time I’ve known Blake, I’ve never once seen him display any emotion, let alone cry. Something wasn’t right, and I didn’t like it one bit.

  “What’s going on Blake? Talk to me.” I said, trying to keep my voice measured.

  Without looking up, Blake said “I loved her.”

  The words smacked me with the same force as if he had hit me with his meaty fist. Where did that come from?

  Jenny’s head moved back and forth, from me to Blake to me but she didn’t say anything.

  “What are you saying?” I’d managed to sound calm, even though I was anything but.

  Blake lifted his head out of his hands, his beady eyes red from tears. I wasn’t about to look away, and bore my eyes into his, demanding explanation.

  “I loved her. We were going to get married after the divorce was finalized.”

  I swallowed his words, why didn’t I know about their relationship before now? Blake lowered his face to his hands again, sobbing into them.

  “That’s great Blake. Really. You never thought to tell me about your relationship with her? With my wife?”

  “You hated her,” he said, his words muffled by his hands.

  “Yeah, we all know that. What we didn’t know was that you loved her. That’s a pretty big piece of information you kept hidden from me. Don’t you think it was something I should’ve known about?” The fury bubbled up from deep down within me, and I stopped talking before I lost control. I pursed my lips, my breath heavy behind them.

  My mind a blur, I realized I’d found out the person feeding Raylene information about Jenny. Fuck, did he have the photos too? I opened my mouth to accuse Blake but Jenny’s timid voice cut me off.

  “You kept a pretty big piece of information hidden from me. Don’t you think being married with a baby was something I should’ve known about?” Jenny’s voice was quiet at first, gaining confidence until it ended in a roar.

  Jenny

  My head hurt. We were not even over the Pacific yet and I would have done anything to get off this plane. Maybe I could demand they land it, and I get out wherever we happen to be. Because a random place was better than being here.

  Why didn’t Collin tell me he had a baby? Or that he was in the middle of a divorce? To a woman who looks just like me. Unbelievable.

  “Baby, you’re right, I should’ve told you. I’m sorry.”

  “How could you leave your child?” If he can leave his baby, what chance have I got of him not leaving me for the next city on his list?

  “Huh?”

  “You left him. Did you promise him you’d be back to get him in six months?”

  “I had to leave. It was the only way to straighten myself out.”

  “I don’t believe that. It was just you being you, leaving behind the people who love you for the next city.”

  “What? No, it was nothing to do with that. Trust me, it was the only way.”

  “He’s right,” Blake said looking at me, his eyes ringed in red.

  “Thank you, Blake,” Collin said, not taking his eyes from me.

  “He was fucked up bad. Mister playboy partier. He needed to be away from Harlan,” Blake continued.

  “That’s enough now, Blake,” Collin said, still not taking his blue eyes off of me.

  “So you’re telling me you left for the sake of the child?”

  “Yes. Raylene and me, we shouldn’t be in the same room. But I stopped the partying because of Harlan. Raylene didn’t. She might’ve lived under the same roof as the baby, but she saw him less than I did.”

  “So who’s raising the poor thing?”

  “The nanny. Only until I can get custody.”

  “Which you have, now she’s dead?”

  Collin cleared his throat. “Yeah.”

  “Let me guess, that’s the reason for this trip, to get him? And you brought me to, to what exactly?”

  “To include you. Jenny, babe, I want you to be part of my life.”

  “By springing a baby on me?”

  “He’s mine,” Blake said through gritted teeth.

  “What?” Collin flung himself back in the chair and spun the chair to face Blake.

  “Harlan’s mine.”

  Collin closed his eyes and tapped his fingers off his forehead. “What do you mean, Harlan’s yours?”

  “He’s mine. I want him.” Blake snarled.

  Collin punched the wall of the plane with enough force that for a minute I worried the plane would open up and we’d all be sucked into the air.

  “I said I want him.” Blake stared Collin down.

  “Holy fucking hell. How is this happening?” Collin stood directly in front of Blake, his nostrils flaring as he screamed.

  If my head was spinning five minutes ago, it entered an out of control g-force tumble now. Whatever kind of life Collin’s been living, it’s not what I’d expected of him all those years ago.

  A marriage to a woman he clearly hated. A woman with an uncomfortable resemblance to me. A baby he clearly adored. One that now might not be his. How much longer is this flight? I want off.

  Unintimidated, Blake’s eyes bore into Collin. “I said I want him.”

  “How do you know he’s yours?” Collin demanded.

  “She was my girlfriend. She got pregnant. It happens.”

  Collin’s body twisted to me. My heart broke at the anguished look on his face.

  He turned back to Blake, positioning his body over the giant man. “Then why did she tell me it was mine?” he asked, the strain in his voice unmissable.

  “It was her idea.”

  “What was?”

  “To make you think he was yours.”

  “And why would she want to do that?” Collin didn’t let up his interrogation.

  “It doesn’t matter now, I want him.”

  “But you didn’t want him before?”

  “Before I had Raylene, now he’s all I have left of her.” As he said it, Blake broke down sobbing again.

  “I’ll ask again, why didn’t you want him before?”

  “Is there someplace else on this plane I can go sit?” I asked.

  Both Collin and Blake turned to look at me, and I squirmed under the weight of their gazes. Collin shook his head and turned his attention back to Blake.

  “I’m waiting. Why didn’t you want Harl
an? Why did you let another man marry your girlfriend?” His voice was measured, but it was impossible to miss the seething quality of it.

  Blake stared straight ahead, as if Collin wasn’t standing three inches from him, raining down a verbal barrage of questions on him.

  “I suppose you were in on the photos too? I hope you drop it, because you’d only be hurting yourself, it’s your own fucking bonus and pension that you’d be hurting if you release them.” Collin said.

  Photos? Drop what? Hurting his pension? What the fuck?

  Blake said nothing and Collin eventually sat down.

  No one said another word for the remainder of the fight. The six most painful hours of my life.

  Collin

  “You can find your own way,” I said to Blake as I held the Audi A9’s backdoor open for Jenny.

  She hesitated. For a moment I worried she’d go with Blake instead of me but in the end she got in the car. I walked around to the other side of the car and slid into backseat beside her.

  As the car pulled away, I took her hand. She didn’t pull it away, nor did she return my reassuring squeeze.

  Jenny stared out the car window, I don’t know whether it was to ignore me or take in her first look of Hawaii. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking and it was driving me crazy.

  As much as I examined her during our silent flight, I wasn’t able to read her reaction. Did I lose her again?

  Did I just lose my son on the same day? Was my son even my son? My body threatened to erupt in anger and I didn’t like it. How did this happen?

  Though it was virtually the only thing I thought about for the remainder of the flight, it was still impossible to understand the situation.

  What did Blake mean it was all Raylene’s idea? Why would he claim with such certainty that it was his baby? The anguish was almost too great to bear.

  “Can you drop me off at a hotel?” Jenny said, not taking her eyes off the window.

  The words cut and for a moment I was powerless to answer. She didn’t look over at me, but I stared at the back of her head anyway. Her dark hair tumbled over her shoulders, taunting me.

  I cleared my throat. “Baby, if that’s what you want but please, can we talk about this first? I know all the stuff on the plane was a massive shock to you.”