Secrets (1985)

by Steel, Danielle

  He stirred again, but she saw that he looked better. The doctor had said that he was out of the woods again, for the time being. They hadn't even moved him to the hospital this time, because there was no point, Dr. Waterford said. It was going to happen one day anyway ' please God ' let it be peacefully ' let me be here with him ' she had prayed that so many times, whenever she was away. It was why she had had to come back to him when she'd been in New York, and not gone to the Bahamas with Mel. She owed him that. She had given him this broken life, it was all her fault, it had to be. She had always blamed herself. He was fifteen years old and he looked like a five-year old, as he lay dozing in the huge hospital bed in the bedroom that was his prison.

  Mom? His eyes were open and they were the same green as hers. He was smiling at her, and she had to fight back tears again.

  Hi, sweetheart. Want something to drink? There was a pitcher of ice water next to his bed. And he loved apple juice and chewing gum and watching ice hockey games. He had lived his whole life in that room. Fifteen years like that. Without complaining. Are you comfortable?

  I'm okay. He smiled at her with eyes just like hers. Tell me about your new show. He was whispering. It exhausted him to talk for too long, but he loved hearing about it. She sent him letters all the time, and she called every day, always had, from wherever she was, and she sent him funny things, posters, and mobiles, and books for them to read to him. He was too tired to hold the books himself, but she had taught him to read when he was four. He was such a special little boy ' Anthony ' she told him about Mel, and Gabrielle and Bill, and Jane and her two daughters ' they were just his age, and it hurt thinking about it. It had hurt seeing them, it used to kill her to see normal children running in the park, holding their mothers' hands ' she had loved his father so much, and they had owed him so much more than this.

  I love you, sweetheart, she whispered as he went back to sleep. She hated the thought of leaving him in two days, but he was stable again, and she had to go back to work. This was the reality of their lives. And the nurses always reminded her that he was used to it. It was the only life he knew. This torture and her working.

  When she got up and stretched again, it was four o'clock, and she had an overwhelming urge to call Mel again in New York ' just to talk to him ' it was seven o'clock in the morning there and she knew he would be up, but he was still so angry at her. There were questions she didn't want to answer, and knew she never would. She went into the living room and lay down on the couch for a while. There was a bedroom for her, but she didn't want to sleep. They had so little time ' so little time ' and she never knew if this would be the last time. She went back to his room, and took his small, frail hand in her own. She kissed his fingertips, and smiled at him as the tears trickled slowly down her cheeks.

  I love you, sweetheart. She whispered the words almost inaudibly.

  He opened an eye. She had thought he was asleep. I love you too, Mom. He smiled happily and closed his eyes. He was always happier when she was there with him.

  Chapter 36

  It was always an agony leaving him, and it was no better this time. She felt a hand clutch her heart and the words stuck in her throat and yet she had to put a good face on it for him. She promised to come back in a few weeks and told him she was going to New York. And he told her he'd watch the show. And then the worst moment came, when she held him next to her, feeling his warmth, the little life he had left in him, and wondered if she would ever see him again. Sometimes she hated herself for not giving everything up to be with him, but then she couldn't have supported him. She had often thought of bringing him to L.A., but he needed to be near Stanford Hospital. There was no choice other than this, and it was too late now. They had to make the best of it.

  I love you, sweetheart ' soooo mmuch! She smiled through her tears and he told her not to cry. He was the bravest child in the world, and she forced herself out the door with a wrench that was a physical pain as she got into the cab, pulled her black straw hat down low, adjusted her sunglasses, and blew her nose. She should have been used to the pain by now, but she knew she never would be. And one day, when he was gone ' she would still remember him ' and the love they had shared that no one had ever known ' it was almost unbearable. How could she even begin to explain it to Mel? And she didn't want him feeling sorry for her. It wouldn't change anything. Nothing would. Not for Anthony. Or for her. It was a tragedy she had never imagined in her darkest thoughts, and yet she wouldn't have given up the joy of loving him for anything.

  The flight to L.A. was uneventful and tiring, and she only stopped at her apartment long enough to change and pick up her bags, and she left that night for New York. She was exhausted, and she knew that even her careful makeup job hadn't hidden the rigors of the last week. And if she didn't watch out, and start taking care of herself again, she was going to need a new face-lift before the end of the second season.

  The stewardesses catered to her every need, as she traveled in first class, and she took a cab from the airport to the Pierre without anyone recognizing her. She had worn another large hat, her dark glasses, and she had a way of turning her head, and avoiding eye contact, which she was convinced affected whether people recognized her or not. And she went straight to the desk, and registered, and they escorted her to her suite, where she sat down, took a long breath, and called room service for a drink. It was 3:00 A.M. in New York, and only midnight in California.

  She slept for two hours, and called Mel when she got up, to tell him she was there, and there was still a marked chill in his voice when he answered.

  What time did you get in?

  I got to the hotel at three o'clock.

  You must be dead.

  More or less. But I'll live. I just need a couple of nights' sleep and I'll be fine again. He interpreted that she didn't want to see him after work and his voice was like ice when he answered her.

  Fine. I understand.

  But she decided to put a stop to it or it could go on for weeks. No, you don't. But that's beside the point. I'm just tired, Mel. That's all. I've had a hard time, it's been a rough week, but I can't wait to see you.

  How's your friend? He sounded hesitant, as though he was unsure of her, of their whole relationship now.

  All right. He still wanted to know who the friend was, but he didn't think this was the time to ask. And the detective had been singularly unable to come up with any further information.

  Do you want to have breakfast up here with me?

  I'd love it. I'll be right up. She came upstairs in blue jeans, French boots, and a white silk shirt that revealed just enough to remind him of how beautiful she was beneath her clothes, and it difficult to stay angry at her. Her eyes were so tired, and there was something profoundly sad about her suddenly. He had never seen that in her before. She was always so strong, so much in control, so much the star, somehow one never thought of her feeling that way. And he couldn't resist reaching out and taking her hand when the waiter left.

  Sabina ' what happened to you? Are you all right? You, not your friend ' you.

  I'm okay. She looked into his eyes with a tired smile. She wanted to tell him, but there was no point to it. Why? So he'd feel sorry for her? What was the point of that? She didn't see herself that way, she never had. She took care of herself, and of Anthony, and she always had, and always would. She relied on Mel for the good times, but not to cry over her tragedies, or the dying son she had left in California.

  She looked as though she'd seen a lot in the past week, too much, he guessed, and he wanted to reach out to her and hold her.

  Who was sick? It seemed important to him that she tell him.

  No one you know. She buttered a roll and averted her eyes.

  I figured that much. He smiled. A man you love. She saw his pain then, his doubt, his fear, and she felt sorry for him ' and for herself ' and Anthony' .

  Yes. But not the way you think. She had never told another living soul. She had disappeared before he was born,
and returned alone afterwards. No one knew. Until now. My son, Mel. I have a fifteen-year-old son. She looked him in the eye, not sure why she was trusting him.

  Good Lord. He looked stunned. Somehow I never thought of you that way.

  She smiled, and sat back in her chair. No one does.

  And he was ill? He was beginning to understand, he thought, but there was a lot more he didn't know yet.

  He was born that way. She quietly explained his deformities and she didn't even feel the tears rolling down her cheeks. I never know when, or if, I'll see him again, Mel. And when they called the other night ' I had to go' Her voice was gruff, and he gently wiped away her tears, feeling his own, remembering how he had felt when his children had died fifteen years before ' probably around the time that he was born ' their tragedies strangely linked in time.

  Why didn't you say something?

  Why? I've never told anyone. I carry my burdens alone. She seemed almost proud of it, and he respected her, but he had never loved her more than he did just then. His heart went out to her.

  You don't have to anymore, Sabina. I'm here for you.

  I know you are. But Anthony is mine ' I love him with all my heart ' and I never want anyone to torment him about my career, my life. ' Anthony belongs only to me.

  What about his father? Hasn't he done anything to help?

  She shook her head. I don't think he would have anyway. But he couldn't deal with the realities of Anthony's life. I've never seen him since Anthony was born.

  The bastard. Mel looked fierce as he looked at her and she smiled and sighed, philosophical after fifteen years.

  Some people are, my love. But not you, you've been so good to me.

  He decided the time was now, the moment he'd been waiting for. I want to marry you.

  His words took her breath away. And slowly she shook her head. I can't, Mel ' I can't ' that's not in me' .

  But why? As long as there was no one else, as long as she loved him as she said she did. He hadn't wanted to marry anyone since Liz had died, but now ' he knew Sabina for what she was, and he loved and respected her for it.

  I'm not sure I could ever do that, Mel. I tend to my own responsibilities, my own life ' and there's Anthony. I can't burden you with that. What if something happened to me? You'd feel responsible.

  Is that so terrible? Isn't that what love is all about? Love was all about what she felt for the child, but for the rest? ' she hadn't wanted to be married in years, and yet she was so at ease with him, so content ' so grateful for all he did ' but was that enough? Did that justify marriage?

  Couldn't you be satisfied as things are? She was curious. What did he want from her? A contract? A guarantee? They were too old for kids, or she was anyway.

  He nodded slowly. If I had to be, yes ' I could be. But there's more than this. A kind of security that comes from knowing you belong to each other forever, if there is such a thing. They both knew better than that.

  I could promise you that, right now, right here, without ever having to get married in a church, or by a judge. I don't know, Mel. She stood up and walked around the room, thinking of all he had said. Maybe one day, Mel. Is that good enough? What he wanted was a promise from her, some confirmation of her love, and that didn't seem so ridiculous. She liked feeling secure about him too, she just didn't feel a need for marriage anymore. Not now.

  Will you give it some thought, Sabina? His eyes were filled with hope and she bent to kiss him gently on the lips, surprised at how hungry she was for him after only a week.

  I will. And then she laughed. Why would you want to marry an old bag like me?

  Because you're a big TV star. I told you it would change your life. She laughed and he pulled her onto his lap. What you're telling me is that you want to live in sin, is that it?

  For a while. Could you manage that?

  I think I could. Just don't wait to change your mind till I'm too old to carry you over the threshold.

  Is that part of the deal? She smiled, happy to be with him again. He balanced the pain she felt for Anthony.

  It's supposed to be.

  Hmm, she mused. You know, I've never been married before. And she still wasn't sure if it was too late for her, but it didn't seem to matter very much just then. She had done what she could for her son, for now, and she was with the man she loved. There wasn't much more she wanted out of life. Her career was going well ' the show was a success' . She looked up at Mel with a smile and he kissed her softly on the lips, amazed at the secret she had shared with him.

  Chapter 37

  Quiet ' very quiet ' light it up ' cameras rolling ' action, please! The familiar sounds felt good to her. It was reassuring, like coming home, as Sabina went through her first scene with Jane. She was tired, and she hadn't rehearsed adequately but the scene went well and they did it in six takes, which wasn't too bad. And the two women laughed for a moment afterwards.

  So you're knocked up this year, are you, Jess? Sabina teased. That ought to give Fran+oois a heart attack. Has anyone read the script to him? She laughed and Jane grinned. It was news to all of them, one of the many surprises they'd been promised for the coming year.

  Jane turned to Mel. Do I get keep the baby?

  Ask Zack. It's up to him. He's going to be torn between the two of you, and which one will he choose, the empire or the woman he loves and their child ' tune in next week, folks. Everyone laughed, and Jane went back to her dressing room where Zack was waiting for her, reading his lines for the next scene.

  How'd it go?

  Pretty good. Did you know that I get pregnant this year?

  That's interesting. He glanced up from the script, How's Sabina?

  She looks tired. She looks as though she had a rough time.

  Did she say what it was?

  Jane shook her head. And I don't think she will. She keeps her private life to herself.

  Not like the rest of us. He grinned. Everyone knew about them that fall, and about Gabby and Bill.

  Jane poured herself a Coke, and sat down with a sigh. She was looking tired too. It was hard going back to work after their long holiday and it was still hot in New York, hotter than it had been in L.A. What do you think of the new developments?

  Interesting. They ought to keep the ratings up. Gabby was going to shoot Bill, they'd been told, but not fatally. Jane always worried about that, about one of them getting canceled from the show, but there seemed to be no threat of that at the moment.

  Personally, I'm kind of pleased about the story line.

  Yeah. He took a sip of her Coke. He was feeling relaxed. They had made love for hours the night before, and he was feeling pleased with life.

  It's going to make things a lot easier for me.

  What is?

  The pregnancy.

  Whose pregnancy? He looked confused, and she had an odd look in her eyes.

  Jessica's ' and mine ' She spoke so softly that at first he only stared at her, and suddenly he grabbed her arm.

  What do you mean?

  She looked nervous suddenly. She had secretly bought two kits at the drugstore the day before, and she had known anyway. I didn't know what to say ' I think when we were in London '

  He was staring at her. Are you telling me, Jane Adams ' do you mean ' Jesus Christ ' He leapt to his feet and looked around, stunned, and then he looked down at her. You're pregnant?

  She nodded her head, suddenly terrified. Maybe he'd make her get rid of it ' and there was the show to worry about. Mel could cancel her for getting pregnant out of wedlock.

  When did you find out? Zack was staring at Jane.

  Yesterday. Her lip trembled, fearing his reaction.

  And then suddenly he beamed at her, and pulled her into his arms. Are you serious?

  Yes. There were tears in her eyes.

  My God' His dream had come true. It wasn't too late. He looked at her as though she had wrought a miracle. My God ' when? ' I mean when is it due?

  I guess the end of Ma
y, or maybe the very beginning of June. She was still only a week late, but she had suspected it immediately. She had only been late three times in her life, and she'd been pregnant each time. It would work out fine with our shooting schedule, if Mel doesn't throw me off the show ' and if ' that is ' it depends on you, Zack. Her voice was soft in the tiny dressing room, as someone knocked on the door and shouted, You're up next, Jane. I'll be right out. But she had to talk to Zack first. What do you want to do?

  Are you kidding? Get married and have ten more.

  What if they cancel me? Her eyes were damp. He had said just what she wanted to hear.

  They won't. And if they do, so what? Isn't this more important to you? He looked incensed that she would think otherwise, but the baby was much more important to her, and so was he. The show was only for a time, she had learned that once before, but their life together could be for the rest of their lives, and their baby' .