“I don’t understand how you could turn around so easily.” She’d been trying to turn around most of her life, having no luck.
The twinkle in his eyes said everything. “All you need is the right thing—or in my case, person.” His tone grew serious. “What about you? From what you know about yourself now compared to then, do you think you would be different?”
Uneasy, Sophia rose and walked to the edge of patio. “My mother mentioned I was rambunctious and independent before the accident.”
Xavier chuckled. “I would agree with that.”
“So much so that my grandmother was in fits over it, apparently. But my mother admitted that I’d changed after the accident.”
“How so?”
She plucked a branch from a low shrub and peeled back the bark a little piece at a time. “I’m not sure. I suppose after the accident, my mother—and probably my grandmother—saw a way to make me act more like I was supposed to. Proper.”
“And have you?”
“For the most part.” She dropped the peeled stick and yanked out another. “I’ve fought with her tooth and nail over it, though. I always knew something was amiss in how they treated me. And the more I think about it, the more I think that summer with you had something to do with it.” She cast him a quick glance. “They never understood the fact that since my memory was missing, a piece of me was missing. They’d always wanted to go on like nothing had happened. Like I was this normal child. When I was far from it.”
His firmness was suddenly behind her, engulfing her. She hadn’t heard him move. His voice was but a hairsbreadth from her ear. “I’m sure they did what they did to shield you because they love you.”
“No. Although I want badly to believe it.”
Fingers stroked up her back. She froze. There was no doubt she wanted him to touch her, but his moments of hot and cold were confusing.
“You know,” he whispered. “I’ve made several mistakes in my past, and when I found you, I saw that as my chance to fix them. To be a better person. Maybe your parents feel the same way.”
Her throat constricted. “Maybe.”
The sun dipped completely behind the horizon, leaving the patio glowing under a low moon. The crisp evening air settled in, making Sophia shiver.
“This might sound strange,” Xavier said, stepping to the side. The dim light of the night made his features look more vulnerable. “But I kind of know where they’re coming from.” His hand cupped her cheek as his eyes gave way to an unspoken emotion. “I’ve got my chance again with you, and I’m terrified of screwing it up.”
Her breath hitched. There were so many things she wanted to say. So many things she wanted to ask. Finally she said the first thing that came to mind: “I don’t think there’s a way for you to screw this up. But I have to admit, I’m jealous of your memories, Xavier, and I—”
His hand dropped from her face, and he took a step back. When she looked him in the eye, her heart sank. The tenderness was gone; the aching, beautiful, distant blue was back.
He jammed his hands into his pockets and twisted about, his head angled toward the raising moon. “I wish I could tell you what you want to hear, Sophia.” His shoulders hunched. “There’s nothing more I want than for you to feel what I feel. To know what I know. But it’s like I said earlier, how I feel means nothing when it comes to helping you get your memories back. There’s so much more than just memories, Sophia. So when you said earlier I was like your mother, you were right.”
She reeled back as if she’d been slapped. She’d wanted to bury their argument from before—and thought Xavier would be responsive. Why would he now choose to say such things? And why had he chosen to bring her to America if he was so bent on keeping things from her?
Her fingers landed on his shoulders, and he tensed, leaning away from her touch. She dropped her hand, turned, and went back inside the house. She wasn’t quite sure, but as the door clicked shut behind her, she thought she heard him murmur the words “I’m sorry.”
Sophia sat in the car the next day, dazed and most certainly baffled. Xavier had been keeping his past feelings from her—and maybe even his present ones. While she appreciated that honesty, she didn’t fully understand why.
“We’re here,” Xavier said quietly, the first words he’d spoken to her since the night before. But she wanted to hear more…so much more.
She dragged herself out of the car and made her way to Montauk Point Lighthouse. Her mind wasn’t on the fieldtrip of the day; it was still stuck on the conversations from the day before. She was determined to learn what everyone else knew and wouldn’t give up until she felt what everyone else felt. She’d even studied the cracks in the sidewalk, the greenery lining the house, the gleaming white house paint, every shutter, every wall covering, every curve and slope inside and outside the house, hoping that maybe little details would spark something—anything.
Sophia stood by herself reading about Montauk history in what was once an old bedroom of the lightkeeper’s house. Xavier had wandered off.
A lot had happened, and Sophia understood the need to process feelings. Good grief, she was still dealing with her own feelings for Xavier, and Xavier had ten more years of feelings to sort out. But that didn’t explain the closeness he’d shown, only to be quickly covered with coldness. Maybe he was trying to prove that he wasn’t in love with a memory and he just didn’t know how.
There were so many different ways to justify his behavior, so many different ways to perceive his actions, it was maddening. And without her memories—or his total cooperation—none of it would make sense. No matter what, she couldn’t work out what was going on with her own rollercoaster of emotions if Xavier was keeping feelings from her.
That realization left a gaping hole in her chest. One she hadn’t comprehended was there and one she had no idea how to fill.
A heavy breath blew from her lips.
Her main focus had been to get some part of her memory back, but after all, she was a woman. A woman who had held the most wonderful man, and somehow he was slipping away…
“Sophia.”
She twirled around and put on her best fake smile. She told herself the concern that always floated in Xavier’s eyes or the way he fidgeted around her didn’t matter. She told herself that, other than the fling they’d had, she didn’t have any feelings for him. Only problem? That was an utter lie.
“Do you enjoy sneaking up on people when their minds are somewhere else?” she asked as she turned back around to the history information.
“Sorry. Where was your mind?”
She shook her head. “Oh, nowhere it couldn’t be brought back from.”
“I didn’t mean to startle you.” He stepped in front of her.
She lifted her face to look at him. There was a reflection there of something she couldn’t quite put her finger on. She reached out to him but drew back when he flinched. His eyes, clear as the sea outside, pinned her down. The salty air drifted through the lightkeeper’s house. The hole in her chest grew as she found it hard to draw in even a shallow breath of air. Her heart beat in her ears, and she felt it ache for him.
Someone bumped into Sophia from behind, and she rocked on her feet, breaking her eye contact. Her heart rate slowed, and the throb in her heart loosened slightly. All the strange sensations were gone. Completely gone. She took a calming deep breath as she glanced at Xavier one more time, daring her body to have the same reaction.
Xavier’s eyes had glazed over, and he shook his head. “Um,” he mumbled.
Had he had the same feeling?
“Xavier,” Sophia said as she tugged at his shirt. “Are you okay?”
The color drained from his face.
“Xavier,” she repeated.
“Um…yeah,” he said when he broke out of his trance. “I thought you might want to take a look at the lighthouse tower.”
“Of course.”
He stared at her again. Did she have something on her face? She ran
her fingers across her chin just to double-check. She started rambling, hoping that her mind would clear.
“I’ve read here that the tower was completed in 1976 and stands one hundred and ten feet tall. It has one hundred thirty-seven steps to the top, and apparently you can see a vast view of the ocean and the coastline below. The keeper’s house was built in 1860, and—”
Her words cut off when Xavier snaked his arm around her back. His other hand possessively came around the nape of her neck as he drew her body close to his. He studied all the angles of her face with those wild eyes again. The same eyes she had seen that night at the fashion show. And yet this wasn’t the same Xavier she’d taken to bed; he had changed somehow.
Her breath caught in her throat. She was unable to speak, unable to move. If she kissed him now and showed him how she felt, could she change that look in his eyes?
Just as she finished that thought, his hands dropped away from her, and he walked away.
“It’s this way,” he muttered. “Follow me.”
Sophia obeyed, her heart breaking with every step she took.
One hundred thirty-four, one hundred thirty-five, one hundred thirty-six, one hundred thirty-seven. Counting the steps up the lighthouse helped distract her from Xavier’s silence.
She felt awkward and alone as she took the last step onto the landing, but her irritation dropped away as soon as she looked out of the partially glass-enclosed space toward the ocean. Several windows were cracked, allowing a crisp, cool breeze to rustle her hair.
“Oh! It’s lovely up here. You can see the ocean for miles, and the water is so blue. Look at all those seagulls. There must be a thousand of them. Look there,” she said as she pointed toward the water, “all those sailboats. They look like little toys from this high. It must be so very cold out on the water today.”
Sophia faced Xavier. He hadn’t taken a step closer; if anything, he felt further away.
“The colors are wonderful,” she continued. “It’s like I just stepped into a painting. I imagine it’s even better in the full bloom of the summer. I’ve never seen such a sight.”
“Actually, you have.”
“Oh, that’s right,” she said shyly. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t start that ‘I’m sorry’ stuff again.”
She whirled away from him. “I don’t know what else you want me to say, Xavier.”
His voice was ragged. “This is where we had our first kiss.”
Despite his harsh tone, Sophia’s heart fluttered. She couldn’t help but wonder what that first kiss had been like. They’d both been so young, so inexperienced. She guessed it had been clumsy yet sweet and romantic as the sun set over the ocean behind them. There would have been the faint sound of the surf below and the smell of the salt air. It would have taken her breath away. Would it feel the same way now?
She looked at him like it was the first time. The sun glinted off the glass, lighting the planes and angles of his face, and it looked as if he had been carved in granite. His features hardened, and his beautiful eyes darkened; his nostrils flared with each rise and fall of his chest under his well-fitting black jacket.
She couldn’t take the detachment anymore. Her body hummed. The sensitive pads on her fingertips itched to touch him. They tingled at the very thought, anticipation making her blood run thick and the strings on her heart twine together.
As she closed the distance, his brows drew together. She said nothing but leaned against him and looked into his eyes. The sound of the waves crashing below faded as she tilted her head and kissed him.
His lips tasted like peppermint. He stiffened as she drew him in, but she tangled her fingers through his hair and wouldn’t let him go. Moving her mouth faster, she breathed him in all at once, refusing to believe he didn’t want her.
And she was right; he parted his lips and allowed her to enter. As she slid her tongue over the curve of his bottom lip, a growl came from the back of his throat.
She’d missed this. How their mouths danced so well together. Weak with his surrender, she threw her arms around his neck to support her boneless body. It was him; it was this. It was everything she had ever wanted and everything she couldn’t live without. When she opened her eyes, his blue gaze was focused on her and only her.
He circled her waist and dragged her against his hard length. His other hand found the back of her neck, and his fingers caressed her tender skin. Deeper—she wanted to go deeper. His taste engulfed all her senses as the kiss went from sensual to greedy in a few short breaths.
It was wonderful, intoxicating, and—
“Damn it.” Xavier yanked himself away from her.
Sophia could only gape at him as she caught her breath. “What?”
“You drive me insane.” He took another step back.
“Sorry?”
He shook his head. “Why did you do that?”
Blood rushed to her face. Sophia straightened her shoulders. “I was trying to erase some of that sadness from your face.”
Xavier’s shoulders slumped. “I swear, sometimes I think you’ll be the death of me.”
Anger quickly replaced embarrassment. “Oh, and why is that?”
“You should kiss someone because you want to, not because you feel sorry for them.”
Sophia cocked her brow as she studied him. His face was still hard, his stance firm. “You think I kissed you because I felt sorry for you?” She turned and grabbed the railing, squeezing the anger through her fingers to the cold bar. “You’re wrong. If anything, one would think you were feeling sorry for me after the way you’ve been acting.”
Xavier grabbed her by the arm and spun her around to face him. “Is that what you think? After everything I’ve done for you? Sorry is the last thing I feel you for, Sophia. I’ve been trying to help you. And you’re making it difficult.”
“Difficult?” She sucked in a rough breath, the spray of the sea air almost choking her. “I’m being difficult? One minute you’re soft and caring, and the next you’re acting like if you touch me it will burn. If you call that helping, I’m not sure I want your help anymore.” Her fingers raked through her blowing hair. “I’m not what you remember, am I?”
He blinked. “What?”
“That’s it, isn’t it? It’s not me you want; it’s the memories you hold so dear. And since I’m not that same girl now, you can’t be with me.”
“I do hold those memories dear. Very dear. And you’re right; you’re not that same girl. But that doesn’t matter. Your memories matter far more than anything.”
Sophia said nothing.
He threw his hands up in the air. “You don’t get it, do you?”
“Obviously not.” She crossed her arms. “Why don’t you explain it to me?”
“I can’t explain it,” he said. “It’s…it’s…” Distress washed over his features. “It’s complicated.”
Xavier’s tone sounded defeated, like there was nothing left of the man she had held so intimately. He could have just said he didn’t want her and not wasted any of her time, because this wasn’t helping. She’d been right. She couldn’t hold a candle to the memories Xavier had of her.
Sophia blinked back the tears forming in her eyes. She stood tall as she held a hand to her queasy stomach.
“Well,” she said before her voice cracked. “You should have been honest with me in the beginning and told me you didn’t want to help. You could have told me that you cherished what we had more than the future.” She held a hand up when he started to speak. “No—listen. Shame on me for thinking we shared more than just that one night, and shame on me for thinking you should have been more inviting these past few days.” She glared at him, the heat rushing to her cheeks. “Both are mistakes I do not intend to make again. You don’t have to worry about me being difficult anymore. For the last time, I shall say I’m sorry—for wasting your time.”
She flung herself past him and flew down and out of the landing area. Her white cotton jacket flutte
red around her waist as she ran, taking the steps two at a time. The only sound in her head was her flats pounding the metal stairs. She couldn’t get away fast enough. When the door flung open, she inhaled a deep breath of sea air as the gusty wind whipped up around her.
It’s over.
So much for finding her memory, and so much for allowing herself to feel for a man. She’d always known that would be a bad idea. Men were cruel and didn’t understand the simplest of feelings. And now she had to deal with the heartache of this man’s words.
Heartache, she thought dizzily; that was something she’d never truly felt. A constricting coil bound around her heart, compressing her chest with each stride as it sucked the life right out of her. And the further away she got from Xavier, the worse the sting grew.
She stopped and turned around, focusing her eyes on the top of the lighthouse. He stood in the window, watching her run away. She couldn’t make out his face, but she could feel him. The intensity of his stare and the blow of his anger. A crush of emotion weighed her down and stopped her in her tracks. Her knees wobbled, and she almost crumbled to the grass.
Oh no.
She clutched her hand to her heart. The carving in her chest was complete and excruciating…and screaming at her. She loved him.
How is that possible?
Sophia ran to the edge of the cliffs, tears streaking her vision, and attempted to look beyond the horizon—beyond the fluffy clouds, the calming blue sky, and the blazing orange sun. There had to be a place somewhere where life knew no pain and hearts did not break.
Her knees scraped the jagged rocks as a heart-twisting thought made her crumple to the ground: she needed Xavier more than she needed her memories.
Chapter Sixteen
HAD SHE BEEN SITTING THERE for seconds or long, drawn-out minutes? She had no idea. The seascape didn’t help much in calming her. Sitting on the edge of the rocks, pointy spears of earth poking her as she reeled numbly from shock, she waited for her heart to stop breaking. It didn’t.
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