“I love you too, Ben, I will always love you. Meeting you was the best thing that has ever happened to me. You taught me to trust in love again.”
They held each other for the longest time unable to prise themselves apart, not wanting to separate from one another. Charlie slowly walked up behind them and slipped in between them, nudging Ben’s hand with his cold wet nose.
“I love you too, Charlie, and don’t you ever forget it.”
The next 24 hours Arianna and Ben spent hours walking along Brighton’s stony beach with Charlie. They ate fish and chips on the rocks down by the sea before heading back to the house. This, their last night in Brighton, they spent in bed, making love gently, exploring every inch of each other’s body as if for the last time. Tears flowed all night and few words were spoken. Words were not needed, and their eyes said it all. They finally fell asleep wrapped in each other’s arms.
Arianna was awakened by Charlie howling excruciatingly loud outside their bedroom door. She climbed out of bed very quietly, not wanting to disturb Ben. She opened the door but before she could step out, Charlie came bounding in and jumped on the bed, lying beside Ben, whining and licking his face.
“Charlie, no, don’t wake him. Come here, boy,” urged Arianna.
Charlie remained rooted to his spot, refusing to move and once again howling into the night. Arianna was confused, unsure of what was wrong with him. He was acting so strange and she’d never seen him like this before. Then it hit her. Ben had not woken up. After all the commotion by Charlie, Ben was still and silent, he didn’t even stir, not a single twitch. Arianna bolted over to the bed. “Ben, Ben, wake up, Ben, please wake up,” she screamed, but to no avail. She shook him hard several times but nothing. He was gone.
“Oh God noooo,” she screamed as she walked up and down the room in a daze, desperate, hurt and confused. She dialled Tristan’s number and left a message, begging him to come right away. She called 999 and then just lay down on the bed beside Ben with her arms wrapped securely around him. I love you, Ben, I will always love you, she sobbed. Charlie lay beside them both. He had quietened now and there was a sadness in his eyes. He knew Ben was gone, he’d known before anyone.
Chapter twenty seven
Tristan arrived at the holiday house within ten minutes. He walked through the door into pure silence. He slowly opened the bedroom door and saw Arianna crying uncontrollably, lying next to Ben. He walked over to her and sat down on the bed beside her.
“Arianna, Arianna, look at me. It’s Tristan. Come on, you need to get up now, he’s gone, Arianna.” Arianna looked blankly into Tristan’s face. She was on auto pilot now, and following his instructions, she got up off the bed slowly and fell into Tristan’s arms. He held her tight and never wanted to let her go. He felt very protective of her and the baby, now more than ever. They cried together until the ambulance arrived. Tristan bent down and kissed his brother on the forehead before he was carried away. Tristan gathered all their belongings and Charlie and packed up the car. Then they followed the ambulance.
By five o’clock in the morning, they were on the motorway heading back to Birmingham. After Ben was legally pronounced dead and issued with a death certificate, plans were finalised to have his body sent up to Birmingham. Arianna hadn’t spoken a word since Ben passed away; she had a glazed look in her eyes, a look of pure devastation. Tristan drove all the way back to Birmingham in silence, no music, and no conversation. He thought of all the things he’d done with Ben when they were kids, all the adventures they’d been on together, the dens they’d made from wood and plastic sheets at the bottom of their garden. He recalled all the scrapes that Ben got him out of with various women over the years and he placed a hand over his heart as the pain deepened for the loss of his brother, his only brother.
He was suddenly aware he was alone now; he had no family left. He looked towards Arianna, who had fallen asleep, and then looked down to her stomach realising the importance of her baby, his nephew, his only family now. He reached for the blanket on the back seat and pulled it over Arianna, thoughts of his last serious conversation with Ben tormenting his mind. What was he thinking, he must have been crazy. Arianna would never see me that way. Tristan told himself he would never do anything to put his very close friendship with Arianna in jeopardy. He couldn’t bear it if she pulled away from him. He wanted to be there for her always and if that meant in a friendship capacity then so be it.
As they reached Birmingham, Arianna slowly opened her eyes. She turned to Tristan and looked at him. “Thank you for everything, Tristan. I really don’t know how I would have managed without you. Please don’t take me home, can we go straight to Ben’s apartment, the two of us? I really don’t want to be alone, not tonight.”
“Sure, if that’s what you want, we can go to Ben’s. I need to collect Charlie’s stuff anyway as he will be coming home with me. I will sleep on the sofa and you can have Ben’s room.”
“That sounds perfect, Tristan, Thank you.” When they reached Ben’s apartment, Arianna climbed out of the car and slowly walked into the foyer of the building and waited for Tristan and Charlie. They caught the lift to the top and then they paused outside Ben’s door.
“Are you okay, Arianna? You’re sure you want to stay here today?”
“I’m sure, I need to, Tristan. I need to feel close to him.”
Tristan opened the door and they walked in, followed by Charlie who ran straight into Ben’s bedroom, jumped onto the bed, and lay down. Tristan dropped the luggage in the hallway, made his way to the kitchen, and took out a bottle of wine from the fridge. “I hope you don’t mind, Arianna, but I need a drink.”
Arianna looked at the bottle of wine and single glass in Tristan’s hand. “You can get another glass for me, Tristan, please.”
“I don’t think so. I know how much you must want one right now, Arianna, but the baby?”
“One glass of wine won’t hurt the baby, Tristan. Now please, pour me a glass of wine.” Tristan reluctantly poured Arianna a small glass of wine and then a large for himself. They sat down on the sofa and looked around Ben’s apartment. He was everywhere they looked. “What am I going to do now, Tristan? How am I going to do this?” She held onto her stomach and looked down.
“You’re not alone, Arianna, you won’t be doing this alone. I will be with you every step of the way, day or night. Please don’t worry. You are not going to go through this by yourself. We are going to do this together and greet baby Ben into this world with a big smile, do you hear me, Arianna? Ben lives on inside of you, Arianna, you are carrying a part of Ben that will live on for many years.”
Tristan turned away from Arianna, not wanting her to notice his tear-filled eyes. “Tristan, will you be my birthing partner? I know Ben would have wanted that.”
Tristan turned to face Arianna and hugged her tight. “It would be a great honour, Arianna, thank you.”
They finished their wine and Arianna, leaving Tristan to his thoughts in the lounge, made her way to Ben’s room and shut the door behind her. She picked up Ben’s sweater, which had been thrown haphazardly on the end of his bed the day they left for Brighton. She held it close to her heart, the smell of his aftershave reducing her to tears. She cried until she could cry no more, finally falling into a deep sleep, still holding on to his sweatshirt.
Tristan awakened with a start from a dream filled with Ben. He was shaken and walked to the bathroom to splash his face with cool water. He recalled snippets of his dream. Ben standing before him, smiling. Remember what I said, Tristan. He could still hear the words in his head. Tristan turned on the coffee machine and then peeked around Ben’s door to check on Arianna. She was still asleep, holding onto Ben’s shirt, Charlie was awake with his paws resting on her legs protectively. “Come on, Charlie, let’s take you for a walk.”
Chapter twenty eight
Three months had passed by since Ben’s passing. The funeral had been held to Ben’s exact instructions. The day of the funeral wa
s particularly hard on Arianna as her emotions were all over the place, from the loss of Ben and her pregnancy hormones running amok through her entire body, totally confusing her. Lisa, Ben’s secretary, had been a tremendous help to both Tristan and Arianna with the funeral arrangements. She was devastated at the loss of her boss and dear friend and following the funeral, an immediate bond formed between Arianna and Lisa, a life-long bond that would tie their ever-growing friendship together securely.
Ben wanted his ashes scattered out at sea in Brighton. He left exact details, informing them both he wanted Tristan to hire a boat and take it to their usual fishing spot. Tristan and Arianna decided to wait until baby Ben was born so the three of them could all go together, and Charlie of course.
Arianna had become a little withdrawn over the months; she displayed a permanent look of grave sadness upon her face. Tristan remained strong for her as she was spending far too much time alone these days and he was very worried about her. She had become so quiet, lost in the depths of her mourning, that she was shutting people out, the people that loved her and cared for her. Arianna’s mother was beside herself with worry as she just couldn’t get through to her. Casey was especially persistent and making herself ever present, whether Arianna wanted her to or not. Everyone knew she was heartbroken; the longing inside her for Ben was obvious to all who knew her.
Tristan knew Arianna was dealing with the loss of Ben in her own way, everyone mourns in their own unique way. A way that’s best for them, a way that only they can deal with. Losing your love and the father of your unborn baby is unimaginable to most, but this was Arianna’s reality now and one she was struggling to cope with. There are no magic pills to take away the pain, no quick fix to heal your broken heart. Your heart and soul needs to go through the healing process in its own unique way, without time limits and pressures.
She spent a lot of time taking Charlie for walks down by the canal, like she and Ben used to. She felt at peace there; she would sit on the bench while Charlie chased the ducks, and remember that once she truly had found perfect happiness, even if it was just for a while. A love so real, so pure and so perfect. Arianna tried to remind herself that many people never find what she had found with Ben in their entire lifetime and that she was lucky to have shared the little time they had together.
Chapter twenty nine
Arianna was in the maternity ward with Tristan by her side. As promised, Tristan was there every step of the way and now the most important day in both their lives had finally arrived. Arianna went from two centimetres dilated to eight centimetres after being induced by the midwife. All she was given was gas and air and, finally, 90 minutes later, baby Ben made his first appearance into the world.
Arianna cried tears of happiness and tears of sadness while looking at her beautiful son in her arms. “He’s so beautiful,” she cried. Looking up towards the blue sky, she said, “I hope you’re watching right now, Ben. Here is your beautiful son.”
Tristan wiped away the tears falling down his face as Arianna held out baby Ben for him to hold. “Hey there, Ben, welcome to the world, I’m your uncle Tristan.”
As Arianna looked on warmly at Tristan, a sensation ran through her whole being; a sensation she’d only ever experienced once in her life, with Ben. Totally unprepared and not quite believing her own feelings, she brushed them to the back of her mind and locked them away for the time being. Her feelings felt so wrong and she thought she must be confused. She’d relied on Tristan so much recently and he looked so much like Ben. Every time she looked into his eyes, she could see Ben. She could not deny she’d formed an attachment towards Tristan. But that’s natural, she thought to herself, as she looked at Tristan spurting out words of wisdom to baby Ben. Her feelings were tormenting her, they were so mixed up. Arianna did not want to scare Tristan away; his friendship was everything to her. She needed him more than ever now and so did baby Ben. She felt a surge of guilt run through her entire body. Displaced feelings, that’s all they are, she convinced herself.
Tristan placed baby Ben gently back into Arianna’s arms, the nurse came in to check on her and Tristan watched as the woman he’d fallen undeniably and irrevocably in love with over the past few months smiled up at him. He was enduring a silent pain no amount of words could heal. A pain there was only one cure for; Arianna’s reciprocation.
Now available on Amazon:
The Sequel - Whispers from Heaven
Excerpt - Chapter one
How does a person measure grief? It’s not just a state of mind, it’s a mourning of the soul. A mind and heart that have become severely fractured need the help of time to heal the cracks as well as the love and support of loved ones. They have nothing left of the person they are grieving for, but the memories they retain. All those feelings of love they have running through every inch of their body are still there, they don’t suddenly disappear. What does a person do with all those feelings they are left with? Grief cannot be measured and there is no time limit to how long a person will grieve their loss.
Arianna glanced down to look at baby Ben, who was smiling up at her while gripping her little finger tightly. A tear slowly escaped down her cheek. “Hey Ben, that’s one strong hold you have there,” she said as she watched him in awe. There was a sadness seeping through her veins that had held her hostage ever since Ben’s passing. The knowledge that her son would never meet his father tore her apart on a daily basis.
Baby Ben was now three months old, with beautiful brown eyes and exceptionally long eyelashes, which he’d inherited from his father. Arianna loved him with all her being and had taken to motherhood with natural ease. She took Ben everywhere with her, including the gallery. She had taken to going for long walks at the back of the church in Coleshill with Ben strapped to her front. She would sit down on the bridge by the river Cole and tell Ben stories while he looked up at his mother with wonder in his eyes.
Tristan was true to his word and remained by her side every step of the way. She had grown to rely on him emotionally and couldn’t imagine having come this far without him. Every once in a while, she was plagued by guilt for the way her mind tormented her. She would not believe her ever-growing feelings for Tristan were real; she was confused, they must be rebound feelings of some sort or another, a need to be loved by someone when she was feeling at her most vulnerable. She hated the way her mind tormented her and she fought her thoughts and feelings with all her being on a daily basis.
Arianna packed a small suitcase for herself and Ben junior for their upcoming trip to Brighton. The timing was perfect now to scatter Ben’s ashes. Tristan had organised everything, right down to booking the same house they’d all stayed in together on their last trip to Brighton with his brother Ben before he died. Arianna took a picture of Ben from her purse and glanced at it with a sad smile. “I will always love you, Ben,” she said, crying to herself.
Picking up baby Ben, Arianna walked into the kitchen and looked out of the window while she was waiting for Tristan to arrive. She patted Ben’s back gently as he started to drift off to sleep once again. Five minutes later, she saw Tristan pull up outside and smiled an affectionate smile as she watched him climb out of the car. She felt so lucky to have him by her side and yet she felt guilty for having taken up so much of his time over the last six months. He had his own life to be getting on with, she thought as she made her way downstairs to greet him.
“Hey, are you all set then?”
“Yes, all packed. Ben doesn’t travel light I’m afraid. I remember Casey teasing me a long time ago about mummy bags and I laughed at the time! Now here I am with a giant one of my own.”
“Look, let me take your bag and the suitcase and I will go and pop them in the car. I already have a car seat fitted for Ben so we won’t be needing yours. I figured we were always switching the car seat from yours to mine and vice versa so I thought I would invest in one. It makes things far easier,” advised Tristan.
“That was a genius idea, Tristan, and yes, i
t makes complete sense.” Arianna carried Ben out to the car and handed him over to Tristan so he could strap him in the car seat while she nipped back and locked up the house.
“Okay, I’m ready when you are. Let’s go,” said Arianna eagerly.
Tristan glanced in the rear view mirror and watched as Arianna attended to Ben junior in the back seat. His longing for her was ever stronger and most days he felt like he’d been subjected to the worst kind of torture. There was no end in sight and moving on was simply not an option for him. He could never look at another woman the way he looked at Arianna and he simply didn’t want to entertain the idea of settling for someone else. He loved her with all his being and for now, just being in her life and close to her would have to be enough, however hard it was to endure. He promised himself he would never cross that all-important invisible line between the two of them unless he was assured somehow his feelings were reciprocated, and that didn’t seem likely in his opinion. Arianna needed him sure, she relied on him. He knew this but he’d convinced himself this did not equate to any type of feelings other than that of friendship. There were occasions when he’d caught her staring at him and there was a moment between them, but he gave himself a pretty swift reality check and assured himself it was down to all the time they were spending together and her appreciation of him for all he was doing for her, and nothing more.
He turned up the volume on his car stereo, sang along to Kings of Leon, and turned his thoughts to Ben. This was such an important trip and one he wanted to make memorable for Arianna as well as for himself. He missed his brother deeply. Ben’s passing had left a huge gaping hole in his life, one that would never be filled. He thought back to all the fishing trips he took to Brighton with Ben over the years and the fun they’d had when they were younger. He felt a sense of longing deep within himself, a yearning for love in his life, someone he could share the rest of his life with and be there for.
Tears of Endurance (Romantic Drama) Book #1 Page 16