Inside the pharmacy there were two young mothers. One was buying nappies; the other was looking at nursing aids. Their babies were under six months old. Miranda couldn’t stop staring at them sleeping in their prams. In a few months’ time she would have one just like them. Would it be a girl or a boy? Would he or she look like her or Leandro or a combination of them both? One of the babies opened its mouth and gave a wide yawn, its little starfish hands opening and closing against the soft blue bunny blanket it was snuggly wrapped in.
Miranda felt a groundswell of emotion sweep through her. How had she managed to convince herself she didn’t want to be a mother? She wanted to be just like these young mothers—shopping with their babies, doing all the things mothers do. Taking care of their little family, loving them, nurturing them, watching them grow and mature. Taking the good with the bad, the triumphs with the tragedies, because that was what made a full and authentic life.
Miranda came home with three testing kits and quickly took them upstairs to the bathroom off her suite. Not that she had slept another night in her suite. She had spent every night with Leandro in his. Could that mean he wanted her to be in his life more permanently? Hope lifted in her chest but then it deflated like a pricked balloon. She was in his room because the furniture had been packed up in hers. It was a convenience thing, not an emotional one.
Her heart was in her throat as she waited for the test to work. She blinked when the results came through. Negative? How could it possibly be negative? She snatched up the packaging and reread the instructions. Maybe she hadn’t followed the directions. No. She’d done exactly what she was supposed to do. Maybe it was too early to tell. She was only a couple of days past her period time. Maybe she didn’t have strong enough hormonal activity yet.
But she felt pregnant.
Or was it the hope of it she was feeling? The hope of a new life growing inside her—a life that would bond her and Leandro together for ever. A little baby boy or girl like those she had seen in the pharmacy. The little baby who would be the first child of the family she had always wanted.
Miranda did another test and another one. Each one came up negative. The disappointment was worse each time. She held up the first test for another look and her heart stopped like it had been struck with a thick plank when she saw Leandro reflected in the mirror in front of her.
‘What are you doing up here?’ he said. ‘You know you can use my bathroom.’
She turned to face him, hiding the test stick behind her back. ‘Erm...nothing...’
His eyes went to the pile of packaging on the marble top near the basin to the right of her. Miranda’s heart felt like it was going to pound its way out of her chest. She could feel it hammering against her breastbone as Leandro stepped into the bathroom. It wasn’t a tiny bathroom by any means but now it felt like a shoebox. She watched in scalp-tingling dread as he picked up one of the packages.
He turned and looked at her with a deep frown. ‘What’s going on?’
Miranda licked her tinder-dry lips. ‘I thought I was pregnant, but I’m not, so you don’t have to panic. I did a test. Three times. There were all negative.’ Tears were close. She could feel them building up behind her eyes. Stinging, burning. Threatening to spill over.
‘Pregnant?’ His voice sounded hoarse.
‘Yes, but it’s all good,’ she said, swallowing a knotty lump of emotion. ‘You don’t have to change your brand of condoms. They’ve done the job.’
His frown was so tight his brows were joined over the bridge of his nose. ‘Why didn’t you tell me earlier?’
‘I only just realised I was late,’ Miranda said. ‘I’m never late. I wanted to make sure before I told you. I didn’t see the point in telling you if there was nothing to worry about. And there’s nothing to worry about, so you don’t have to worry.’
He put the package down and raked a hand through his hair with a hand that wasn’t steady. His face was a strange colour. Not his usual olive tan but blanched, ashen. ‘So...you weren’t going to tell me unless it was positive?’
‘No.’
He studied her for a moment. ‘Are you relieved it was negative?’
‘I...’ Miranda couldn’t do it. She couldn’t tell another white lie. It was time to face up to what she had been avoiding for the last twelve days—for the last seven years. ‘I’m bitterly disappointed,’ she said. ‘I want a baby. I want to be a mother. I want to have a family. I can’t pretend I don’t. I ache when I see mothers and babies. I ache so deep inside it takes my breath away. I can’t do this any more, Leandro. I know you don’t want what I want. I know you can’t bear the thought of having a child in case you can’t keep them safe. But I want to take that risk. I want to live my life and take all the risks it dishes up because locking myself away hasn’t made me happy. It hasn’t brought Mark back and it hasn’t helped his parents move on. I’m ready to move on.’ She took a deep breath and added, ‘I want to move on with you.’
A flicker of pain passed over his face. ‘I can’t. I told you before. I can’t.’
Miranda’s heart sank. ‘Are you saying you don’t love me?’
His jaw worked for a moment. ‘I’m saying I can’t give you what you want.’
Miranda fought back tears. ‘You love me. I know you do. I see it every time you look at me. I feel it every time you touch me. We belong together. You know we do.’
He turned to grip the edges of the marble counter, his back turned towards her as if he couldn’t bear to look at her. Self-doubt suddenly assailed her. Could she be wrong? Could she have got it horribly wrong? Maybe he didn’t love her. Maybe all this had been for him was a ‘thing’. Maybe she was just another one of his casual flings that didn’t mean anything.
‘Leandro?’
He pushed himself away from the counter and turned to look at her, his expression taut, his posture stiff as if every muscle was being drawn back inside his body. ‘It was wrong of me to get involved with you like this. I’m not the right person for you. I’m not the right person for anybody.’
‘That’s not true,’ Miranda said. ‘You’re letting the past dictate your future. That’s what I was doing. For the last seven years I’ve been living in the past. Clinging to the past because I was too frightened of loving someone and losing them. I can’t live like that any more. I’m not afraid to love. I love you. I think I probably always have loved you. Maybe not quite as intensely as I do now, but the first time you touched me it changed something. It changed me. You changed me.’
‘You’re in love with the idea of love,’ Leandro said. ‘You always have been. That’s why you latched onto Mark the way you did. You’re doing it now to me. You like to be needed. You like to fix things for people. You couldn’t fix things for Mark so you gave him the rest of your life. You can’t fix me, Miranda. You can’t make me into something I’m not. And I sure as hell don’t want you to give me the rest of your life so I can ruin it like I’ve ruined everyone else’s.’
Miranda took a painful breath. ‘What if that test had been positive?’ she said. ‘What would you have done then?’
He looked at her with his mouth tightly set. ‘I would have respected your decision either way.’
But he would have hated it, she thought. He would have hated her for putting him through it for she could never have made the decision to terminate. Not when she wanted a baby more than anything. Why had it taken her this long to see the lie she had been living? Or had she lived like that because everyone had kept telling her what she should do for so long, she had dug her heels in without stopping to reflect on what she was actually giving up? But if Leandro couldn’t give her what she wanted then there was no point in pretending and hoping he would some day change his mind.
She was done with pretending.
She had to be true to herself, to her dreams and hopes. She loved Leandro, but if he couldn’t love her back then she would accept it, even though it would break her heart.
But life was full of heart-br
eaking moments.
It was what life was all about: you lived, you learned, you hurt, you healed, you hurt and healed all over again.
‘I know you warned me about changing the rules,’ Miranda said. ‘But I couldn’t control my feelings. Not the way you seem to be able to do. I want to be with you. I can’t imagine being with anyone else. I know we only have two days left, in any case, but it would be wrong of me—wrong for me—to stay another minute knowing you can’t love me the way I want and need to be loved.’
Nothing showed in his expression to suggest that he was even remotely upset by her announcement. She could have been one of the gardeners outside telling him she had finished for the day. ‘If you feel you must leave now, then fine,’ he said. ‘I’ll bring your flight forward.’
Do you need any further confirmation than that? Miranda thought. He couldn’t wait to get rid of her. Why wasn’t he reaching for her and saying, don’t be silly, ma petite, let’s talk about this? Why wasn’t he holding her close and resting his chin on the top of her head the way he so often did that made her feel so treasured and so safe? Why wasn’t he saying he had made a mistake and that of course he loved her? How he had always loved her and wanted the same things she wanted. Why was he standing there as if she was a virtual stranger instead of the lover he had been so intimately tender and passionate with only hours earlier?
Because he doesn’t love you.
‘If you don’t mind, I’ll make my own way to the airport,’ Miranda said. ‘I hate goodbyes.’
‘Fine,’ he said and pulled out his phone. ‘I’ll order a cab.’
* * *
Miranda didn’t waste time unpacking her bag when she got home to her flat. She went to her wardrobe and pulled out the drawer that contained Mark’s football jersey. She unwrapped it from the tissue paper she kept it in and held it up to her face but all she could smell was the lavender sachet she had put in the drawer beside it. She gently folded the jersey and put it in a cardboard carrier bag.
Mark’s parents greeted her warmly when she arrived at their house a short time later. She hugged them back and then handed them the carrier bag. ‘I’ve been holding onto this for too long,’ she said. ‘It belongs here with you.’
Mark’s mother, Susanne, opened the bag and promptly burst into tears as she took out Mark’s jersey and pressed it to her chest. Mark’s father, James, put a comforting arm around his wife’s shoulders while he fought back his own tears.
‘I’m not sure if I’ve helped or hindered your grieving of Mark,’ Miranda said. ‘But I think it’s time I moved on with my life.’
Susanne enveloped Miranda in a warm motherly hug. ‘You helped,’ she said. ‘I don’t know what we would’ve done without you, especially in the early days. But you’re right. It’s time to move on. For all of us.’
James stepped forward for his hug. ‘You’ve been marvellous,’ he said. ‘I’m not sure Mark would’ve been as loyal if things had been different. Susanne and I are looking into fostering kids in crisis. We’re ready now to be parents again, even if it’s only in temporary bursts.’
Miranda smiled through her tears. ‘Wow, that’s amazing. You’ll be fantastic at fostering. You’re wonderful parents. Mark was so lucky to have you. I’ve been lucky to have you.’
‘You’ll still have us,’ Susanne said, hugging Miranda again. ‘You’ll always have us. We’ll always be here for you.’
Miranda waved to them as she left, wondering if she would ever see them again, but then decided she would.
They would always have a special place in her life, just as Mark would.
* * *
Leandro couldn’t put it off any longer. He had to pack up Rosie’s room. Everything else had been seen to: the paintings had gone; the antiques were sold—apart from a few things he couldn’t bear to part with. His father’s walnut desk and the brass carriage clock that sat on the bookshelves nearby and gave that soothing tick-tock of time passing steadily by. The villa was an empty shell now everything had been taken away. The floors and corridors echoed as he walked along them. The rooms were like cold caves.
All except for Rosie’s room.
He opened the door and the memories hit him like a tidal wave...not of Rosie so much, but of Miranda standing in there with him. Of her standing with him, supporting him, understanding him. Loving him.
His eyes went to Flopsy. The silly rabbit had fallen over again. Leandro walked over and picked the toy up but, instead of putting it back against the pillows, he hugged it against his chest where a knot of tightly bound emotion was unravelling.
He had let Miranda leave.
How could he have done that when she was the only one he wanted to be with? She was the only one who understood his grief. The only one who understood how hard it was to move on from the past.
But at least she’d had the courage to do so.
He had baulked at it.
Seeing those pregnancy tests on the bathroom counter had thrown him. It had thrown him back to the past where he hadn’t been careful enough, not diligent enough, to protect his little sister.
But Miranda was right. It was time to move on. He hadn’t done anything deliberately. He had been a child—a small, innocent child.
He finally understood why his father had left him his most treasured possessions. His dad hadn’t been able to move on from the past but he had known Leandro would have the courage to do so.
He had the courage now. He had it in spades.
He was an adult now and he wanted the things most adults wanted. He wanted to love and be loved. He wanted to have a family. He wanted to build a future with someone who had the same values as he did.
Miranda was that person.
He loved her. He loved her with a love big enough to overcome the past. He loved her with a love that could withstand whatever life dished up. How could he have let her leave? Why had it taken him this long to see what was right before his eyes? Or had he known, always known, but shied away from it? Hadn’t he felt it the first time they kissed? The way her mouth met his, the way her arms looped around his neck, the way her body pressed into his, the way she responded to him with such passion and generosity.
He had been a fool to let her go. He had hurt her and the very last thing he wanted to do was that. Her pregnancy scare had thrown him. Terrified him. Shocked him into an emotional stasis. He had locked down. He hadn’t been able to process the enormity of his feelings. All the hopes and dreams he had been suppressing for all those years had hit him in the face when he’d seen that pregnancy test. It had been like a carrot being dangled in front of his nose: this is what you could have if only you had the courage to take it.
Speaking of carrots... Leandro smiled at the floppy-eared rabbit in his hands. ‘I think I’ve just found the perfect home for you.’
* * *
Miranda was on her way out to her car to meet Jaz at the boutique when she saw a dark blue BMW pull up. Her heart gave a little leap when she saw a tall figure unfold from behind the wheel. Leandro was carrying something in a bag but she couldn’t see what it was. She wondered if she had left something behind at the villa, as she had packed in rather a hurry. She didn’t allow herself to think he was here for any other reason. Her hopes had been elevated before and look how that had turned out.
She opened the door before he pressed the buzzer. ‘Hi. I thought you were going to Geneva?’
He smiled at her. An actual smile! Not a quarter-one. Not a half-one, but a full one. It totally transformed his face. It took years off him, made him look even more heart-stoppingly gorgeous than ever. ‘I postponed the meeting,’ he said. ‘Is now a good time to talk?’
Miranda hoped Jaz wouldn’t mind her being a few minutes late. Even if he was just returning a stray pair of knickers it would be worth it to see him smile again. ‘Sure,’ she said. ‘Come in.’
He stooped as he came inside and her belly gave a card-shuffling movement as she caught the citrus notes of his aftershave. She had t
o restrain herself from reaching out and touching him to make sure she wasn’t imagining him there. Why was he here? He’d said he wanted to talk but that might be about how to keep the news of their ‘thing’ a secret from her family, especially with Julius’ and Holly’s wedding coming up. She didn’t dare hope for anything more.
Miranda glanced at the bag in his hand. ‘Did I leave something behind?’
He handed it to her. ‘I want you to have this.’
Miranda opened the bag to find Flopsy the rabbit inside. She took him out and held him close to her thrumming chest. ‘Why?’
‘Because I want our first baby to have him,’ Leandro said.
She blinked and then frowned, not sure she’d heard him correctly. ‘But we’re not pregnant. I told you, the tests were all negative. You don’t have to worry. It was my mistake. I worked myself up into a panic over nothing.’
He stepped closer and held her by the upper arms, a gentle, protective touch that made her flesh shiver in delight. His dark brown eyes were meltingly warm, moist with banked-up emotion. ‘I want you to marry me,’ he said. ‘I want you to have my babies. As many as you want. I love you. I don’t think it’s possible to love someone more than I love you.’
Miranda’s heart was so full of love, joy and relief, she thought it would burst. Could this really be happening? Was he really proposing to her? ‘Really?’ she said. ‘Did you really just ask me to marry you?’
‘Yes, really.’
‘What made you change your mind?’
‘When you left I kept telling myself it was for the best,’ he said. ‘I convinced myself it was better that way. I was annoyed with myself for crossing a boundary I’d always told myself I’d never cross. But when I finally worked up the courage to pack up Rosie’s room it made me realise what I was forfeiting. I think that’s why I was so shocked at seeing that pregnancy test. It was like being slammed over the head with the truth. The truth of what I really wanted all this time but wasn’t game to admit. I want to risk loving you and our children. I can’t promise to keep you and them safe, but I will do everything in my power to do so. No one can offer more than that.’
Awakening the Ravensdale Heiress (The Ravensdale Scandals) Page 14