by Sophie Stern
I’m going to do things different moving forward. I’m going to be better. I’m going to be strong. I’m going to be brave as hell and I’m going to make better choices. Arielle believes I’m a good man, a strong man. I want to prove to her that I’m just as good as she thinks I am.
I’m going to prove to her that I’m just as wonderful as she believes I am.
It’s not just Arielle I have to prove something to, though. I feel the need to prove something to our son. Arielle says we’re having a little boy. I wonder if he’s going to look like me or if he’s going to be all her. Is he going to have my dark eyes or her bright ones? Is he going to have my sharp features or her delicate ones?
All I know is I can’t wait to find out.
“Come on now,” Mom says. “Wash your hands and get in the kitchen. Supper’s on the table.”
Arielle and I follow her through the house to the kitchen, where we all wash our hands and gather around the table. Mom says grace, then we dive in to the meal of turkey and mashed potatoes she prepared.
“Feels like Thanksgiving,” I say.
“There’s a lot to be thankful for,” Mom says. “Seems the two of you made up all right today.”
“We came to an understanding,” Arielle says, but she blushes when she does, and my mother and sister both smirk.
“So he got you off then, did he?” Mom says.
“Mrs. Edwards!” Arielle turns eight shades of red, and the rest of us all start laughing.
“Oh, don’t you ‘Mrs. Edwards’ me, love,” Mom says. “I was married to a tiger for 25 years. I know exactly how these men think. They think that if they can make us come enough, we’ll be so sated we’ll never think of leaving them.”
“Sounds about right,” Arielle whispers, and I place my hand on hers.
“It’s a good plan, baby.”
“You can’t just make me come every time we have a fight, though,” she says.
“I sure as hell can.”
“Language,” Mom frowns at me.
“I sure as heck can,” I say.
Arielle leans her head on my shoulder and sighs contentedly. I’m not sure if she’s happy about the idea of orgasms or the idea of being with me, but I’ll take it. I’ll take what I can get because with her, it’ll never be enough.
I’ll never get enough of her.
I’ll never be sated.
During dinner, Georgia talks about work and discusses some of the special events she’s helping plan in Honeypot and Mom talks about her poker club and fills me in on all the town gossip I’ve missed. It’s surprising, but a lot has happened in six months. A lot has changed.
Knowing what all of my old friends are up to doesn’t change much for me emotionally, though. I’m glad their lives have moved on and I’m glad they’re doing well. I wish everyone the very best because I know that’s what I want for me and for Arielle. I want the world for us. I want the stars.
After dinner, Mom and Georgia pour some sweet tea and go sit on the porch while Arielle and I wash the dishes.
“You spent a lot of time here while I was gone,” I comment. It’s not a question. It’s pretty obvious. Mom and Georgia obviously knew who Arielle was before I left, but not like this. They were acquaintances before, but now they’re close. Now they’re treating her like she’s a part of our family, and I love that.
“They found out about the baby,” she says, dipping a plate in hot, soapy water. “I came over to try to get as much information about where you were as possible. I tried to contact you, but your mom told me they couldn’t reach you. Even if it was an emergency, she said there was nothing she could do, and this hardly qualified as an emergency.”
“Perhaps not,” I say, drying the plate she hands me. “Were you afraid?”
“When your mom found out? She kind of just knew. I didn’t even really tell her. She just figured it out.”
“My mom’s not scary. No, I mean, when you found out yourself. That must have been quite the surprise.”
“It was.”
“What was your first thought?”
“To be honest,” she takes a deep breath. “I had some mixed feelings, Jason. I was happy in some ways. Here I was, missing you, mourning you, and I got a little piece of you. I got a little piece of us.”
“That’s a positive way of looking at it.”
“And on the other hand,” she sighs. “What do I know about raising a baby, you know? I’m a social worker, but I always see the dark side of parenting. I always see the people who screw their kids up. I always see the people who make mistakes. The idea of doing this alone, of not having anyone to help me or support me, that’s pretty terrifying.”
“You’re brave, Arielle.”
“Your mom and sister were amazing when you were gone, Jason. They totally stepped up. Georgia came over so many nights and listened to me cry. Your mom answered all of my pregnancy questions and Georgia helped, too.”
“How did Georgia handle the news?” I ask carefully. I don’t know how much of her past Georgia has revealed. She lost a baby, once upon a time, and part of her heart has never healed. How could it? Losing a child changes you. Whether you only know your baby in your womb or you actually get to hold him or her, having that ripped away from you is like losing a part of yourself.
I don’t think you ever really get over it.
Arielle doesn’t miss a beat. She keeps washing, keeps handing me dishes, and smiles softly.
“Georgia is a fucking badass,” Arielle says. “We’ve spent a lot of time together, Jason. I know she’s been through a lot, but you know what?”
“What?”
“She doesn’t let it get her down.”
“She’s brave.”
“She’s incredible. I don’t know if I could be as strong as her. If I ever go through the things Georgia has gone through, I don’t know if I’ll be okay. I’m not saying she’s okay, of course, but she’s something else. She’s just fantastic.”
“I’m glad you two are getting along so well.”
“Hey,” she starts to drain the sink and wipes her hands on a towel, then turns to me. “How are you handling everything? I mean, it was kind of a big day for you. You came back from months away and got this huge news, then won back the girl of your dreams.”
“That’s putting it simply.”
“Are you feeling overwhelmed yet?” She raises an eyebrow. “Feeling any regret?”
“About being with you?”
“About any of it.”
“Darling,” I grab her waist and pull her close. Arielle probably doesn’t think she still has a waist, but she does, and she’s gorgeous. “I could never regret you. You know that, right? Never.” I run my hand down her cheek, then cup her face. “Even if you wouldn’t take me back, even if I spent the rest of my life trying to convince you I was worth your time, I wouldn’t have any regrets.”
She kisses me softly and we just hold each other for a little while. I’m tired, but I know it’s nothing compared to the exhaustion I’ll feel when our baby arrives. We’ll both be tired and worn out, but we’ll have each other. I know I can count on that.
“I can’t wait to get you home,” Arielle says shyly, biting her bottom lip, and her words go straight to my dick. It’s been months since I was inside of her and tonight I want to sink into her. I want to forget my troubles. I want to lose myself in her completely.
But then her phone rings, and everything changes.
Chapter 9
Arielle
I shouldn’t have answered the phone, but I had to.
If I’m getting a call from the hospital after office hours, it’s bad news. No good news comes after five o’clock. I’ve been a social worker long enough to know this. After-hours calls mean pain. They mean tears. They mean sadness.
They mean everything bad and nothing good and should be avoided at all costs.
I knew better than to answer the phone, but I couldn’t help it. I knew that taking the call was going t
o be painful, but someone needed me. Someone needed their social worker and even though I want to focus on Jason and our newly-repaired relationship, I had to take the call.
I shouldn’t have answered the phone, but I did.
I did.
I did it.
I’m shaking now, thinking about how all of this could be avoided if I just hadn’t done that. I picked it up, and I heard what the nurse said, and now I’m crying on the couch while Jason holds me. His arms are large and strong and they wrap tightly around me. Even though I’m hugely pregnant, he makes me feel small and safe. He’s my safe space. He’s my cave. He’s my blanket. He’s everything I need and tonight, I’m so glad he’s here.
Georgia and Mrs. Edwards have conveniently disappeared, which is fine. One of my favorite things about those two women is they always seem to know exactly when to make themselves scarce. When I need them, they’ll come running, but when I need solitude, they’re okay with that. They’re not offended that I don’t always want them around one hundred percent of the time.
Right now, all I want is Jason.
All I want is my sweetie.
Even though he’s holding me, the pain still shoots through my body and settles in my heart. We knew this was coming. We knew he was going to pass away. We knew that Randall’s time on Earth was coming to a close, but that doesn’t make the pain easier to bear. The knowledge that we had time to prepare doesn’t make this hurt less. It doesn’t make the pain less terrible.
“He’s gone,” I whimper into his shoulder. “He’s gone.”
“It’s going to be okay, baby,” he rubs my back.
“No,” I tell him. “It’s not going to be okay.”
He’s gone.
Mr. Thomas is gone.
Randall Thomas was one of the coolest shifters I’ve ever known and now he’s gone. He was only 70. Suddenly, that doesn’t seem so old. Suddenly, it seems way too young to die. Suddenly, it seems like his life was cut short and it’s just not fair.
“I need to go to the hospital,” I tell Jason. “I need to be with Ellie. She’s going to need me.”
“I’ll drive you,” he says, and it’s not a question of whether I want him to take me or not. He’s taking me. He’s taking care of me. That’s my Jason. He’s a cop, so he’s not going to get nervous or weird when dealing with death and pain. He’s used to seeing pain. That’s one of the problems with both of our jobs: sometimes all we see is pain.
I worry that eventually, I’m going to become numb to all of the sadness in the world. I worry that eventually, I’m not going to feel things as deeply as I do now. Maybe that wouldn’t be a bad thing. Maybe it would be good. Maybe if I didn’t feel things as deeply, losing someone wouldn’t seem so hard.
I don’t view Mr. Thomas as just another case.
I don’t view him as just another person I have to visit and fill out paperwork on.
I don’t view him as anything but a loving, wonderful man.
I don’t view him as anything but a friend.
And he’s gone.
I manage to give Georgia and Mrs. Edwards each a sad, pathetic excuse for a hug.
“Chin up, dear,” Mrs. Edwards says gently. “Let him take care of you.”
I know she’s right, so I nod, but I don’t say anything. I can’t speak or I’m just going to start crying again. I shouldn’t be so emotional over something I knew was coming, but I am.
We walk to the truck and climb in. Somehow, I manage to close the door and get my seatbelt on, but then I just stare at the dash.
“Hey,” Jason says, and I look at him. “Look at me, sweetie. Watch my eyes.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be this way. I shouldn’t be weird about this. People die every day, right? It’s nothing new. It’s just…”
“He was like a father to you,” Jason says, and I nod.
“After my parents passed away, Randall kind of became a surrogate dad to me. He was just always there for me. Whether I was dealing with boy problems or friendship issues, he was always happy to listen.”
“That’s really special, Arielle. That’s amazing you had such a sweet connection with him.”
“But he’s gone now.”
“He was in pain, sweetie. Now he’s not.”
“That’s a really positive way of looking at this. I know I should think like you, Jason. I know it logically. It’s just that I don’t want to think that way. I don’t want to think that he’s in a better place or that he’s not hurting anymore. I should think that, but I’m selfish, and I just miss him. I fought to get on his case, to get to be his social worker.”
“You couldn’t stand the idea of someone else taking care of him. I get it. It would be impersonal.”
“Yeah,” I nod, wiping away a tear with the back of my hand. “He deserves the best, you know? He doesn’t deserve to just be another name to check off a list. He deserves better. Deserved,” I correct myself.
“Do you need to get anything at the house before we go? Anything from your office?” Jason asks. He reaches for my hand and squeezes it, giving me a bit of silent comfort.
“No,” I shake my head. “Let’s just go. I need to be there for Ellie.”
“No one needs to go through this alone,” Jason agrees. “She’s lucky to have a friend like you, babe.”
“Thanks.”
The drive is short, but it seems to take forever. I lean my head against the window and just think about everything. My world has twisted in on itself today and right now, I don’t know which way is up and which is down.
Jason Edwards returned from the end of the world and promised to love me forever.
My child is going to get to know his father.
My dear friend has lost hers.
Part of me wants to feel happy that Jason and I are back together, but right now, I just feel broken. My heart weighs heavily in my chest and I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the next couple of hours. I’m glad Jason is with me. Knowing he’s by my side makes me feel strong. I know that with him, I can do anything. Even if I start to struggle, he’ll be right there with me. He’ll catch me. He’ll hold me up.
When we park at the hospital, I stop Jason before he gets out of the car.
“You were right,” I tell him.
“About what?” He looks confused, and I want to kiss that confusion right off his face.
“When you said no good would come from telling me about your deployment ahead of time, you were right. I would have liked to have been prepared, but it wouldn’t have hurt less when you left. I know that now. I had months to prepare for losing Randall and it still hurts me to my core. So I’m sorry for all the mean shit I said to you,” I whisper. “I’m sorry for the ways I hurt you, too, Jason. You did what you thought was right at the time.”
He gets out of the truck and walks around, opens my door, and pulls me out. Then Jason hugs me tight and just holds me, and for a minute, I lose myself in the comfort he has to offer.
He’s a good man, a wise man, and I don’t deserve his love, but I’ll take it. Maybe that makes me selfish. Maybe I should tell him to find someone better, someone who is kinder or smarter than I am. Maybe I should tell him to find someone who doesn’t have a demanding job that’s emotionally draining. Maybe I should tell him to find someone who doesn’t have baggage.
But I won’t because I want him.
I want him more than I want my next breath.
“All right, baby,” he says. “It’s time. Are you ready?”
“No,” I shake my head. “I’ll never be ready for this part.”
Chapter 10
Jason
It’s after midnight when we finally leave the hospital. Visitor hours ended long ago, but we aren’t visitors. We’re officials. All I have to do is flash my badge and the nurses leave us alone with Ellie to help her, to talk to her, to work with her. She’s in shock, but she’s okay. She’s doing better than either of us expected.
I offer to drive Ellie hom
e, but she’s got a roommate, so she doesn’t have to be alone tonight. Good. No one should have to be alone at a time like this. Arielle and I wait for her roomie to arrive at the hospital, then we take off and head home.
We don’t discuss sleeping arrangements or where we’ll go or anything. I just drive back to my place, turn off the truck, and walk her inside.
Something tells me Arielle has spent more time at my place than I thought previously. She seems strangely comfortable as she kicks off her shoes, pours herself a glass of water, and heads for my bedroom.
Quietly, I lock up the house and follow her to the room.
“I can take the couch if you prefer,” she says, looking over her shoulder as she pulls her dress off. “But something tells me you’d like me just fine in your bed.”
I suck in a breath when she turns and I get a full view of her beautiful, pregnant body.
“Like what you see?” She asks, putting a hand on her hip. She looks pointedly at my hard-on, but I don’t even care.
“Yeah, I fuckin’ like what I see. Baby, you’re beautiful.”
She’s wearing a black lace bra with matching panties. Her pale skin practically glows against the dark fabric. Her hair is down, falling softly over her shoulders, and she’s wearing this sweet, perfect little smile that makes me want to kiss her even more.
“Why don’t you come over here, then, cowboy?” She asks. “You already took your boots off. How about the rest of the ensemble?”
Quickly, I toss my hat on my dresser and begin to unbutton my flannel shirt. Sweet Arielle just laughs as she climbs on the bed and leans back, obviously happy to be watching me. I pull off my belt and buckle, then slip out of my jeans. Soon I’m just standing in my boxers and socks, and she’s just looking at me.
Arielle is looking at me like she’s been missing me. She’s looking at me like she’s got nowhere to be and nothing but time. She’s looking at me like the whole world has crushed her, but I can save her.
And that’s exactly what I’m going to do.