“Yeah, it is unbelievable; I agree—”
“And to think I actually came here thinking I could have a mature conversation with you—”
“Just tell me the truth—”
“I’m not telling you anything,” he said, heading for the door. “I’m sure yours and Bruno’s little investigation will turn up all the answers in due time. And when you’re done sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive yourself. This isn’t a game, Julie. You’re messing with people’s lives here. This goes far beyond me and you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’re being selfish,” he said. “What’s between me, Rebecca, and Molly… the truth will destroy my family… or what’s left of it, anyway.”
“I think you’re overreacting—”
“No,” he said. “But you go ahead and continue your search, Julie. Because God knows that as long as you get what you want, no one else really matters.”
“Wow. Not fair—”
“Oh,” he said, opening the door to leave. “In case you were wondering, we’ll go ahead and call this breakup amicable. You’re just too damn toxic, Julie Little. Too—damn—toxic.”
Chapter Three
Wednesday, March 06
I sat in seventh period English and leaned over a copy of Romeo and Juliet. We’d been studying the play for several days, but I hadn’t once given it the time or thought that it deserved. A group of students stood at the front of the room and acted out the beginning of Act III. I hadn’t cared to read the assigned pages the night before—shame on me, but what can I say? I have my own pathetic life to deal with—so I had no idea what was about to come. I could only assume—based on the direction things were heading—someone was about to keel over.
I kept my head low and pretended to read along with the rest of my seated classmates as the “actors” stumbled through their lines. And I must’ve been putting on one heck of a show; the teacher never seemed to notice that I was lost in my own train of thought. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t quit thinking about Luke long enough to focus on anything pertinent to passing Friday’s exam.
Luke, Luke, Luke…. I couldn’t stop the replay.
It was great that he’d gone out of his way to make amends. The sincerity in his eyes was admirable and sweet. But somehow, between his warm kisses and his tender touch, I’d managed to infuriate him to the point of leaving. I could’ve just gone along with it. I could’ve let our passionate moments continue. I could’ve kept my mouth shut.
I could’ve told him to stay.
But then I wouldn’t have been true to myself. I would’ve given in to a man who’d learned how to expertly manipulate my emotions. And that’s just what he’d been doing…. Right?
Honestly, I didn’t believe that it was ever Luke’s intention to break my heart. What he’d said was true—I was hurting, and he could help me. But Luke was just the type of guy to work alone; he relied only on himself to determine what was best for other people. He never communicated with me, never consulted me. He never took the time to ask me what I thought or felt. He just took matters into his own hands and pulled the (metaphorical) trigger whenever he saw fit. And that put us in a really nasty place. See, call me crazy, but I thought that I should get some kind of say in my own life.
All he wanted was to guarantee my happiness; that’s exactly what I wanted for myself. But two people with one common goal shouldn’t fight the way we do. Even from the very beginning, Luke and I could never get it together. We didn’t know how to not fight.
Maybe Matt was right from the start… maybe he knew what he was talking about when he said that Luke and I were a deadly combination. Maybe I was toxic to Luke… and maybe he was toxic to me.
When the bell rang to dismiss the final class of the day, I scooped my books off the desk and shot into the hallway. I pushed through the crowd of students and headed for the front doors, refusing to wait for Matt like I normally would.
I wasn’t in the mood to discuss what had happened in the wee hours of the morning. I knew Matt would take one look at me and know I was hiding something, and I didn’t feel like reliving that conversation again. Plus, even if I told him the truth about Luke sneaking in, I could guarantee that he’d approach the situation one of two ways. He’d either yell at me for being so vulnerable, letting Luke weasel his way back into my heart (even if it was only a momentary lapse in judgment). Or, he’d yell at me for not taking the opportunity to make things right. Either way, I didn’t feel like listening to anything Matt had to say.
I walked into the house ten minutes later only to be bombarded with a plethora of birthday surprises. I stopped dead in my tracks and surveyed the foyer. Balloons and flowers—of every shape, color, and size—filled the room. They were spread so thickly through the small space that I could barely see the pile of wrapped gifts waiting for me on the far wall. It was like nothing I’d ever seen before, and it was all for me.
It wasn’t until I turned around that I noticed the gigantic Happy Birthday banner hanging over the front door.
I tossed my bag aside and picked up the nearest bouquet of flowers. I pulled the white card from the arrangement and read—in Charlie’s naturally sloppy shorthand—Happy Birthday, Pumpkin.
My phone rang right on cue. No doubt it was my uncle calling to see if I’d made it home and discovered his room full of gifts.
“You’re a nut job, you know that, right?” I asked, answering the call and barely restraining a smile. “When did you have time to do all of this? I thought you were stuck at the station all day.”
The line was silent.
“Hello?” I asked. “I come home to a hundred balloons and dozens of flowers, and you’re the one who’s speechless?”
Still, no answer.
“Charlie,” I said, hearing nothing on the other line but vague background noise and static. “Are you there?”
“Julie,” a familiar voice said. “It’s me… it’s Derek.”
I’m not exactly sure what happened to my heart in that moment, but it felt like a combination of a million wonderful things. For a moment, I could’ve sworn it jumped into my throat. But if my heart was in my throat, what was that sinking feeling settling in my stomach? And if my heart had suddenly decided to jump ship and set up camp somewhere else—throat or stomach—I couldn’t possibly figure out where that rapid pounding in my chest was coming from.
“Derek?”
“Happy birthday.”
I let out a slow, jagged breath as I held onto those two little words. There was no mistaking that voice. It was him….
“Derek,” I said again, but this time it wasn’t a question. My jaw felt as if it’d fallen to the floor. For lack of better words, I was in complete shock. My eyes were spilling with tears, but—once I managed to pull myself together—my smile grew wider than it’d been in weeks. I couldn’t find the energy to put my rampant thoughts into words. I kept trying to form a sentence, but I couldn’t manage anything but garbled slurs. His call had taken me off guard, and the sheer sound of voice had my giddiness at an all-time high.
“You still there?” he asked, and there was a soft laughter in his voice that made my knees a little too weak. I took a step backward and found the stairs. Giving into the weakness, I took a seat on the third step and nodded.
“Yeah,” I said, nervously licking my lips. “It’s… really you.”
“It’s really me.”
“You’re calling me,” I said, and even I could hear the disbelief in my voice.
“It’s your birthday,” he said. “I couldn’t possibly make it through the day without calling—”
“I thought you’d forgotten about me.”
“Never.”
“Where are you?” I asked, sitting straighter. “Where’ve you been? Are you safe? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, Julie, really,” he said, almost laughing. “Please don’t worry about me—”
&nbs
p; “Easier said than done,” I said. “I’ve been worried sick about you for months, Derek.”
He was silent for a few long seconds, so I assumed he was trying to figure out exactly what to say next. After a few deep breaths, he finally spoke again.
“I thought you’d understand,” he said, his voice a little shaky. “I had things I had to take care of, you know?”
“Well, are you done taking care of them?” I asked, hoping I didn’t sound as desperate as I felt. “Are you coming home? I want to see you. I have so much to tell you—”
“Julie,” he said. “I told you that I had to put my past behind me.”
“I know, but—”
“I went to the state penitentiary. I went to visit Dad. I was there—off and on—for a few days after I left Oakland.”
“And?”
It seemed far too strange that I was so eager to learn why he’d gone to visit his father. Conan Milton was the last person I’d ever care to discuss, but if it meant something to Derek, it meant something to me. If he’d gone there, he obviously had good reasons for doing so.
“There were a lot of things I needed to say to him. There were unresolved feelings that had gone ignored for far too long.” He took a deep breath, and I closed my eyes. “I told him all about you, Julie. I told him the things he could’ve never imagined, the things he could never know. I told him about your beautiful soul, your adorable sense of humor, and the way you’d give your life for the people you love. I told him—down to the very last detail—what kind of beautiful, strong, confident young woman Stephen and Liz Little raised. I didn’t go there to declare myself your biggest fan, though I know it certainly sounds as though I did.” I managed a small laugh, but the laugh barely managed to mask my shock. “I went there, Julie… to tell him that he would never see or hear from me again. But I couldn’t walk away. I couldn’t leave without giving him one last reminder of the life he destroyed when he murdered your parents. He needed to know that he didn’t rob just anyone of their happiness… he took the happiness of the most loving, caring, deserving person I’ve ever known.”
Tears slid down my cheeks, and Derek let out a low sigh.
“You didn’t have to,” I said, swallowing hard. “You didn’t have to do that—”
“And then I went to see Hannah.”
“Hannah?” I asked, feeling my heart jump back into my throat. “You went to see your sister?”
“Briefly.”
“In Oakland?”
“Yes,” he said. “In December.”
“In December? Why didn’t you call?” I asked, pushing a balloon away as it drifted in front of my face. “Why didn’t you come by?”
“I wanted to,” he said. “I wanted to surprise you. But then I remembered how much you hate surprises, and I didn’t want to give you another reason to resent me. I didn’t want to upset you, and I most certainly didn’t want to cause any problems—”
“You wouldn’t have caused a single problem, Derek,” I said. “You could’ve called. I wish you would’ve. Charlie wouldn’t have minded you visiting—”
“My beef’s not with Charlie—”
“Luke?” I asked. “You’re concerned about Luke?”
“Listen,” he said, obviously eager to blow past that subject as quickly as possible. “I’m out of time. I can’t stay on; I’m about to board a flight.”
“Where are you going?”
“I never lied when I said I needed to start over, Julie. I’ve mended all my broken relationships. I’ve forgiven my father, but he’s staying in the past where he belongs. I’ve stepped into Hannah’s shoes, and I’ve gone to my mother’s grave. I’ve put a lot of the terrible reminders behind me, but now it’s time to move forward. I’m finally in a place where I can start over and not feel guilty doing it. There are things… things I’ve wanted in my life that I’ve walked away from… dreams that I haven’t chased. I have to chase them, Julie. I don’t want to live a life of regrets.”
“You’re chasing your dreams?” I asked, praying that that was exactly what he was doing. More than anyone I knew, Derek deserved to have what he wanted in life. He’d had so much, lost so much more than he’d had, and now it was time for him to start getting something in return.
“I have a one-way ticket to the rest of my life, Julie,” he said, and I could hear his smile radiating through the phone. “It’s all finally coming together.”
“Good. I’m glad.”
“Listen,” he said. “I really have to go now.”
“When will I talk to you again?” I asked. “Will you call?”
He didn’t answer. Several long minutes went by without a word.
I could still hear the faint rustling of noise in the background, so I knew he hadn’t hung up. It was only then that I realized that he wasn’t going to answer my question; this phone call was intended to be Derek’s closure on our friendship. He’d said goodbye to everyone else in his past, everyone else who’d served as a reminder of everything he’d lost. This call signified the end of everything we’d had, but he wasn’t admitting it out loud.
“Derek,” I whispered, and my eyes filled with tears. “I don’t know if you’ve hung up. But if you’re listening… if you’re there… you have to know something.” I managed a small chuckle, but only to fight off the oncoming tears. “You know how they say that you never really know just what you’ve got until it’s gone? Well,” I said, trying not to let go of my self-control as the tears cut loose and streamed down my cheeks and across my lips. “Losing you was one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through, and I’ve been through hell. And I never imagined… not until you were gone… that losing someone could hurt so much. So, if this… if this conversation is goodbye, then okay. I understand. I do. But before I hang up, and if you’re still listening, you just need to know one thing.” I swallowed hard, dropped my head, and took a deep breath. “I miss you.”
Wednesday, March 06
“Happy birthday!”
Matt killed the lights as Charlie finished lighting the last of the eighteen candles.
“Make a wish, Pumpkin,” Charlie cheered as I leaned over the small cake he’d brought home from the bakery. I stared individually at each of the eighteen flames and held my breath. “Come on, kiddo,” Charlie said. “What are you waiting for?”
I thought about Luke. I considered all the time we’d spent together in the last six months. I thought about the first day I’d met him—how much I wanted to smack the stupid grin right off his face. I thought about all the arguments, all the fights, all the weeks he’d spent running from me. I took a moment to consider just how truly manipulative he’d become.
But then I remembered the good times—the way he first told me he loved me, the way my lips tingled at his touch, our first kiss, our second kiss… our third, fourth, fifth and sixth. Luke loved me; he protected me. He fought for my safety. I thought about the chemistry we shared, the way our bodies seemed as if they were made perfectly for one another. In so many ways, he was everything I’d ever wanted.
At eighteen, I could simply wish for a lifetime of love and happiness with him.
But then my mind drifted somewhere else….
I thought back to the day I’d first met Derek. I remembered the way he’d reprimanded me, accusing me of stealing his newspaper. I remembered the way he’d watched me from his window, the way he consoled me every time Luke broke my heart—which was much more often than not. I thought about his quirks, his goofiness, and all of the things that made him so loveable. I remembered his smile, but more than that… I remembered his pain. I always felt the way he ached at the pain his family had caused mine. He hated hurting me, but that never kept him from telling me the truth. He trusted me.
So, at eighteen, I could simply wish for my best friend to come home.
“Julie?” Matt asked. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah,” I said, watching as the wax melted quickly beneath each flame. “I don’t… I don’t know what
to wish for.”
“Ah, it can’t be too hard, Pumpkin,” Charlie said. “Wish for what you want.”
I nodded, but only because there was no possible way to explain that I had no idea what I wanted. I’d never been so confused.
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and extinguished the candles with one long blow. The smoke wafted from the wicks as Charlie and Matt clapped.
“So, what didja wish for?” Matt asked. “New car? A million dollars?”
“Clarity,” I said, taking a long, deep breath.
“Clarity? What kind of cheapo wish is that?”
“It’s perfect,” Charlie said, pressing a kiss to the side of my head.
“Listen,” I said, looking between them. “This was all great. I love the cake, the presents were amazing… you guys outdid yourselves. But I’ve had a long day, and I think I’m just going to turn in for the night.”
“Whatever you want,” Charlie said. “We’ll save the cake for tomorrow.”
With a hug and a kiss to both of them, I trekked up the back staircase and into my room. When I closed my door, kicked off my shoes, and threw myself back on the bed, I took a minute to praise myself for making the most adult decision in my life to date. I could’ve wished for anything back there, but I didn’t. I wished for the one thing that would help me move forward.
I turned and opened my eyes, staring over at the open window. The wind blew in, and it was just cold enough to justify shutting the glass. But it was stuck, and I hadn’t been able to close it for days. Fortunately, until tonight, the spring evenings hadn’t been unbearably cold. But there was something eerily uncomfortable about the chilliness in the air right then, and I was far too tired to try to fight the thing shut.
Another gust came rushing in, this time forcing me to pull a blanket up under my chin. The cold forced me to take deeper breaths; it made me shiver to the bone. But more than anything, that open window served as a reminder that comfort was just within reach; I only had to be cold as long as I chose to be. All I had to do was put my foot down, find the strength to get up, and fight. If I truly wanted to make a difference, then I just had to stand up and do something about it.
Just a Little Surprise Page 3