He pushes back and stands. His fingers dart to his button fly as if he's about to undo his pants. He fidgets with the waistband before he pulls his hand into a fist. "Brighton was here this morning."
I nod impatiently. "I know. He told me." If Brighton Beck fucked this over for me, I'm going to hunt him down.
"When did he tell you?" He glares down at me. "When did you talk to him?"
"He came by my apartment before I came here." I don't want to talk about Brighton. I want Noah to get to the part where he's telling me it's over. There isn't a logical reason for that. Not after I just realized that he doesn’t love his ex at all.
His eyes dart over my face for a minute before he finally speaks. "What did he say to you?"
"Why does it matter?" I snap back, my hand waving in the air. I'm beyond frustrated. I just want to get in a taxi and go to the train station so Noah and I can have a few days away from the rest of the world and all the people trying to come between the two of us.
His jaw tenses. "Did he tell you what we talked about?"
I hang my head in my palms. Brighton has done it again. He not only broke my heart in Paris, he's doing it again now in Boston. Why can't he just go to hell and stay there for the rest of my life? "He told me he was here, Noah. That's all he said."
"Alexa," he sighs before he walks across the room to stand in front of the photographs of my body. "He showed me some pictures."
"Pictures? What pictures?" I search my memory for any pictures of me that Brighton might have. Any he took of me were definitely G-rated. "I don't think he kept any pictures of me."
"He has dozens." Noah's back is to me now. His voice jumps across the walls and fills the silence in the room. "He showed me dozens."
I bolt to my feet. "What do you mean? What kind of pictures?"
He stares unflinchingly at the portraits on the wall. "Pictures of you smiling. Pictures of you in Paris."
I breathe out an audible sigh. "He took those when we were exploring the city together." There's no reason to deny that. Brighton and I spent days discovering the wonder of the city of lights hand-in-hand. I would have been smiling in most of those images. Back then I blindly believed everything he told me, including the fact that he was separated from his girlfriend, Liz.
"You have the most beautiful smile I've ever seen." He rubs his palm across his face, his fingers lingering briefly on the scar. "I couldn't stop staring at his phone. I must have scrolled through those photographs for an hour."
Brighton was here for an hour? What the hell happened between them? "If Brighton said anything about us still being together, he's a lying piece of shit."
Noah's head darts to the side, as he pulls his fingers to his lips. He bends his neck slightly so he can look directly at me. "He told me it's over. He made that clear."
The knot sitting in the pit of my stomach loosens slightly. "What is it then?" Whatever Noah thinks the problem is, I know that it's surmountable.
"I can't make you happy like that." He moves closer and brushes his lips slowly over my forehead. "I can't bring a smile like that to your face."
The words sting even though I know there's no reasoning behind them. I'm beginning to realize that I've never been happier than when I am with Noah. He makes me feel things no man ever has before. "You're wrong." That's all I can manage.
"Alexa." His hand darts out to reach for my cheek but it stalls less than a breath away. "I wanted to go to Manhattan with you. I know it was my idea. But…"
I don’t wait for him to finish. "But nothing, Noah." I reach for his hand, pulling it to my face. I cover it with my own, pushing his skin into mine. "We don't have to go there. We don't have to go anywhere."
"In every one of those photographs on Brighton's phone you're so filled with joy." I hear the defeat in the words. His tone is different. It's not natural and confident. He's wavering. He actually believes that he can't make me as happy as Brighton. This is so messed up.
"Don't end this over some stupid pictures on Brighton's phone." I want the words to sound as flippant as the notion that is attached to them. I can't believe that Noah is going to dump me over some pictures that were taken months ago.
He turns on his heel now so he's facing me directly. His eyes float over my forehead before they skim across my cheeks and lock on my eyes. "It's not about the pictures, Alexa." His jaw tightens as my name leaves his lips. "It's about you."
"What about me?" I feel as though I've been thrown overboard into a rolling wave without any chance of a life preserver to help me ride the rapids. "I want to be with you." There's no need for subtlety at this point. Noah is going to break up with me before I even knew we were a couple.
His eyes widen a touch. "Your life is out there." His hand whips past my face towards the closed door of his office. "My life is in here." He bows his head towards the floor.
No. Please no. He was just beginning to come out of his shelter. Don't let what Brighton showed him take that away. Don't allow it to steal him away from me.
"We can stay here more." I push harder on his hand, willing him to cradle my cheek. I want a sign that he's not completely closed off.
"I can't do this, Alexa." He pauses. "I can never give you a full life."
I close my eyes, steeling myself for the onslaught of emotions. "Don't say that," I whisper. "Please, Noah, don't."
"I belong here." He pulls his hand free of mine. I instantly feel bereft at the loss of his touch.
"I belong here too," I say the words without thinking. They escape from the deepest part of me. I'm falling in love with him. I feel it now. I see it so clearly. "I want to be here with you."
He grazes his hands through his hair. "You can't," he whispers into the still, heavy air between us. "This has to end before it gets serious."
Before it gets serious? Really? We are way past the point of no return when it comes to serious. Is he fucking kidding me?
"I'm not going." I reach to grab hold of his forearms but he takes a heavy step back.
"I can't." His gaze carries past me to the wall. "I can't do this, Alexa."
I move slightly to the left trying to grab hold of his eyes with my own. "You're ending this because of those pictures Brighton showed you?" I have to find someone to blame for stealing my happiness away again. I know it's because of Brighton. He knew what seeing those pictures would do to Noah.
"I'm ending this because we can't make each other happy." He crosses his arms over his broad chest.
"We already do," I say, not caring that the words sound more like a clear plea than a solid statement. "You make me so happy."
"Your life is out there, Alexa." He nods towards the windows. "Go live it."
"I'm not going, Noah." I push on his chest. "Please don't end this. Please."
"Ari brought Camilla and Abe over just after Brighton left." He ignores my begging. "Abe's going to grow up one day and go to school, and play little league and have friends."
I feel as though the room is spinning. He's not making any sense. "What?"
"Camilla and whoever the hell she's with will take him out." He nods towards the bank of windows. "They'll take him out into the world that's out there."
"Who cares what Camilla does?"
"Alexa." He reaches up and runs his finger slowly along his scar. "I've thought about us non-stop for weeks. I've imagined my life with you."
I nod shamelessly. "I've imagined that too." I have. I've thought about what my life could be like if I gave my heart to Noah.
"I can't give you a life like that," he says hoarsely. "I can't give it to you or a child. If we got…"
My heart aches as the words trail. If we got married? If we got the chance to love each other? If we got to live our happy ever after?
"I'm ending this because I'm happy here and you're happy out there." The statement is definitive and calm.
"That's not true." I want to fall into him and help him see that I belong here, with him. He was just beginning to come out of his
self-imposed cocoon when Brighton and Camilla showed up. How can he let those two people, who were so careless with our hearts, break our bond? "I know you care about me, Noah. I know that you do. Don't throw this away."
"Alexa." He takes a heavy step forward, his hands bolting to my face. "I'm not throwing this away."
"You are." I feel the sting of tears as I pull my arms around his waist. "Please don't, Noah. Please."
His lips graze slowly over my forehead. "I'm giving you a chance at the life you deserve," he whispers into my hair. "I want you to go live your life the way you're supposed to."
"I'm supposed to be here." I don't try and stop the sob. "I want to be here."
"I'll never forgive myself if I don't let you go." He clings tightly to my face. "I have to let you go."
I don't respond as he tilts my head up, looks me straight in the eyes and feathers his full lips over mine. "I'm falling in love with you, Alexa. This has to be goodbye."
"I'm falling …" the words get lost as he claims my mouth in a soft and tender kiss.
"Don't." He pulls back and stares at me, his face filled with pain. "Don’t say it. Just go."
"I can't." I tug him closer, wanting to crawl inside his embrace. "Don't send me away."
His body tenses, his hands slide down to my shoulders and he pushes me away with his easy strength. "I can't do this. Please, Alexa, please just go."
My eyes glide over his chest, past the beautiful tattoos until they rest on his firm jaw. I close them briefly before I look into his eyes. "You're just upset about the pictures and Camilla showing up." I'm grasping for whatever wayward straws I can. "Don't end this over that."
"I knew I was getting too deep when I tried to go to your birthday party." He takes a heavy step back to gain distance. "I suggested New York because I thought I could do it. I knew it was what you wanted." His hands pull together in a tight viselike grip. "I've been panicked about it. I can't do it. I can't change just for you."
I recoil physically from the words. "I've never asked you to change, Noah."
"You kept pushing for me to leave here." He bows his head towards the floor. His hands run through his hair, messing it even more. "You weren't happy just being here with me."
I brush away the wayward blame he's trying to throw in my direction. "I wanted you to experience my life with me." It's true. All I wanted was for him to become a part of my life. "We don't have to go out anymore."
"You need to live out there." His hand glides over his chest. "I need to live in here."
"So that's it?" I ask quickly. "You're just going to throw us away like that?"
"I'm not throwing anything away." His response is clipped and bold. "I'm ending this before it gets more complicated."
I stare at him, marveling in how calm and collected he is in the face of this. "If I walk out, that's the end of it?" I'm not asking as much to gain his reaction, as to convince myself that this is actually the last time I'm going to look at his perfect face.
"Just go, Alexa." He points aimlessly in the direction of the door. "Don't look back. Go."
Chapter 4
"Did you tell Noah that you're moving to New York?"
It's been three months since I walked out of his apartment and each time someone has brought up his name it's speared through me like a hot torch. I've told Sadie that it's over between me and Noah Foster but she can't get her romantic mind to drop the idea of my happily-ever-after with him. Right now I just want to tell her to shut the hell up. "It's not any of his business." I actually say that calmly. How did I manage that?
"He'd want to know," she says sweetly.
He's been too busy ignoring my calls and text messages to care. I'd finally given up on trying to reach him two months ago. Since then I've been focused on building a new life, including finally graduating with my teaching degree. "He's got a lot going on." He's probably got it going on in his bed, on his couch and on the floor with a new round of blonde, blue eyed call girls.
"Why did you dump him?" She's not going to drop this. Maybe if I bring up Hunter she'll go all doe eyed on me and start waxing poetic about her husband.
"How's Hunter?" I pull his name slowly across my lips, enunciating each syllable as if I'm going to throw her into some sort of trance. "Did you thank him for giving me that part-time job at Axel NY?"
"We're pregnant." A slow smile carries over her lips as she brushes her long brown hair behind her ear. "We're having a baby."
"What the fuck are you talking about?" I feel my knees buckle and I instinctively grab the edge of the wooden headboard of my bed. "You're pregnant?"
Her sweet brown eyes fill with tears as she nods her head up and down. "I just found out today."
This is it. This is the point where my life and Sadie's separate forever. She's going to have a baby with Hunter and they'll complete their happy family and I'll move to New York into a two bedroom apartment with Kayla. My days will be filled with part-time substitute teacher work while I play waitress at Hunter's restaurant at night to cover my half of the rent. This is my life. It sucks. "I can't believe this." I can't believe any of it. My hands are shaking so hard that I fumble with the sweater I'm folding to pack into one of my suitcases.
"We don't know if it's a boy or girl yet." She runs her slim fingers over her flat belly. "Hunter is hoping for a girl. He didn't say that but he called the baby princess when I told him."
"You better hope to hell it's a girl." I wink at her. "Otherwise that baby boy in there is going to need a lifetime of therapy." My mind instinctively flips back to Noah's apartment and the image of Camilla holding Abe. I've struggled all month to absorb not only the fact that his ex looks like me, but that she had a baby and he willingly let her into his apartment before he threw me out onto the street.
"You'll come back when the baby is born, right?" She chirps the question out with a happy lilt running through her tone. I can hear the contentment in every syllable she speaks. She's found her place in the world. It's in Hunter's arms. I only wish I'd have had that chance with Noah too.
"I'll be back once a month to see you." My voice cracks slightly at the reminder that I won't get to visit her whenever I want. I've seen Sadie almost every day of my life, except for the months I was in Paris. Not being close to her is another change in my rapidly evolving world.
She leaps from my bed and onto her feet. "You can stay with Hunter and me. We have that extra room."
"You mean I don't have to sleep on the top bunk in Cory's room?" I playfully tease.
"Alexa." She reaches to pull me into a tight embrace. "I'm going to miss you like crazy."
"I'll miss you more," I whisper into her shoulder. "I'll miss you more than you know."
***
"There are so many hot guys in this city." Kayla scoops up a cardboard box from the entryway before she scurries down the hall towards her room.
I kick the edge of another box to determine its weight before reaching down to pull it into my arms. "I'm trying to avoid guys." I don't even have to say it. Kayla knows what happened between Noah and I. She listened to me whine about it all the way from Boston to New York yesterday.
"Just do one night stands." She tosses me a look as I walk into her bedroom. "You've had good luck with those."
"Just that one time." My mind lazily runs back to my first one night stand with Nathan. "It was fun."
"We should make a no relationship pact." She reaches for the box I'm holding. "These are my shoes." She plops it down onto her bed.
"What's a no relationship pact?" I tilt my head to the side, finally feeling a bit of the weight of the move leaving my shoulders.
"We just do guys one night at a time." She pulls the box open and starts throwing her shoes into the corner, each one bouncing against the wall before it lands on the floor. "We can fuck them and then move on."
I watch how carefree she looks as I consider the words. It was her idea to move here initially. She got a great job offer with a financial firm on Wall St
reet. After Noah dumped me she suggested I come along if I could find a job in the city. The best I could do was grabbing a spot on a list of substitute teachers. I was actually grateful when Hunter offered me a job at one of his restaurants here. Waitressing may not be my chosen career path at the moment, but it was going to pay my bills.
"It's a great plan. Right, Lex?" She's so bubbly and bright. It's no wonder. The last boyfriend she had was more than a year ago. She's better at this than I am. Her lust after them and then leave them philosophy may need to be my new motto.
"I guess," I offer.
"What about Beck?" The question comes so far out of left field that I almost feel an immediate sense of whiplash take over my brain.
"Beck?" I've avoided talking to her about him. When I finally got him to speak to me a few weeks ago on the phone after calling him incessantly, he claimed he was only trying to reassure Noah that he was over me by showing him those pictures before he deleted them. I'd called him out of his obvious bullshit and then he abruptly ended the call after telling me he'd love me forever. If Beck's idea of love is the only thing I can get, I'll happily stay single for the rest of my life.
She pushes the now empty cardboard box off her bed. "You said on the train that he was the reason Noah dumped you."
The words still bite, even more so coming from the mouth of someone else. "Noah said that Brighton showed him pictures of us together," I repeat almost word-for-word what I told her during my never ending confession about what happened in Noah's apartment that afternoon. "I think Brighton did it because he knows Noah is insecure."
"Maybe Noah was using it as an excuse because he was having second thoughts about his ex."
It's not a foreign thought to me so I don't reject the idea immediately. "I've thought about that too." I settle onto a corner of the bed. "Noah said he was moving Camilla to a hotel that day."
"How do you know that even happened?" She tips her chin in my direction. "You took his word for it."
"He wasn't lying." I don't think he was lying. He had no reason to lie.
"Maybe they're all one big happy family right now. Maybe Beck did you a favor."
VAIN - Part Three (The VAIN Series Book 3) Page 2