by Angela Lopes
They are revelling in Maurice Blanchot’s The Step Not Beyond, light radiating from their hearts, all of eternity in time. Sometimes it is too much for Phila to be with Zé, like she feels she will explode. Phila is back in Winnipeg, Zé is in São Paulo. Phila thinks about Zé almost all the time, checking his WhatsApp online status. Zé has thoughts of all the men who must be adoring her at present moments, and pangs of thoughts of her reactions hurt him. He knows of men who have died of jealousy. Phila is thirty years old and has a body like a horse. Call it good genes, or pure soul, but the strength that she is is what entices Zé.
They have only been intimate five times. Their bodies knew each other before. It is too much, that feeling they have when together. Zé feels he could become whipped by the feeling of bliss. Zé is not sure he can do the distance thing.
Via long distance
Zé, May and June 2015, São Paulo
I, Zé, cannot be away from you long. Yesterday you left me. Today I am here at work at the photo lab. The retina transforms optical images, which are formed on the photoreceptors by the lens and cornea into neural image activity across myriad ganglion cells. To feel the rudiment basic thing in life is making it. I left all my memories in you where you reside. They caress me in bed or at work with all the tasks I do so well.
I will not flatter this any further. As with someone who thinks too much, I pick my cuticles. You, you think too much. It could all be so simple. The optical image is a spatial distribution of light energy while the neural image is a distribution of impulse rates representing contrast. Which is the local change in light divided by the average light level. Yesterday missed you too much. You had FaceTime on, but I didn’t respond. I don’t have FaceTime. Sometimes I sense felicity being away from it all. Other times grasping us all together on one way is rejoice. Every pilot needs a good patrona. A protector. The period ends here. Eyes splurge gratitude as opens the bedroom door. Sometimes you create quotes for the psyches of every actor in The Walking Dead on Instagram. Sometimes, Phila, your solution is to be alone. It is the silence and frequent voyages to Brazil that maintain you.
Liberty comes at a cost. So I am saving money because I want children so badly. I evade profligacy. The transformation from light to contrast depends on retinal. I want Phila to enter on my terms. Move here with me and my family. We will have many children, we will make it work. I can’t imagine another woman to be with, yet it is difficult to be with you the way things are. I will never leave my mother. She gave me life, and she is my life. She fought for me when no one had the guts. I see us together, Phila and I, and because I see it, it will be. I told her I am still living with my mother and brothers and sisters, so maybe she could feel even more for me, or wanna ditch me. Yet I will never move to her city. Let that be clear. I wanted to glue you in, Phila, but then I lost you. You so illegal it drives me into consummate explosion. We are not fearful of love, only others are fearful of us. Every day is a blessing, I can’t say it any more lucid than this. And because lucid, we seek God and no other.
Truth persists as that which becomes friends get bigger on Instagram. I exude force like how we do this we do. Don’t be afraid; it is not harmful, rather a panacea. Panacea as in always be true to each other. The patterned excitation of the rods and cones in the retina produce an image, and the brain processes this excitation to form a representation of. It’s like that. Remember, don’t be modern too much. Modern as is not traditional. Many people say suffering and smiling together, at once, what we feel for the whole. We couldn’t be we with a consistent reference. Every woman in love believes in her man.
The day you came here I woke up from a dream of a fire in the kitchen. Why does it rain every festival? All of your footprints walked in to meet you. I am an explosion of love. A desire that lives in the heart of humans. A desire to believe, moreover a desire in the other. A necessity to believe in the other, in the future, in life. Hot sex gifts are lighter than me, but that’s okay. It doesn’t take us long to feel something: get married and bust. The influence of pulse duration lucid in transition between multiple photon and tunnelling ionization realms. In our longer pulses photons immerse us impressionably. My landlord just governs my money from time to time. We rewire up our satellite dish and electricity for all our neighbours. Any time there is a past heavy dim light, I sob by all the busy collects a stiff neck like depression.
You have had many lovers, I fear, and I want none of them. I don’t like exes. I’d like to tell you where my mother is today. She couldn’t marry for love, nor for money. Doing it on the kitchen table is better anyways. Why I left for you to take on a new one, while I am still here, in love with myself? Cheating is a common experience. No silicone nor dance lessons of seduction will get me to be loyal in that regard. Sometimes you can want something so bad it never happens. The measurement uses a cavity enhanced probe of an optical cycling transition, mitigating back-action associated with state-changing transitions induced by the probe. This work establishes collective measurements as a powerful technique for generating useful entanglement for precision measurements. The photo lab is a place where there are too many tasks to do. You see, it is the little gestures that occupy my heart, need not entire but only live entirely. When we vibrate, we leave elsewhere. The orgasms are longer, like all the force on my feet. It’s that felt that always takes me back to you. You that ascends me like no other nothing. Every man should dance with the woman he loves until he falls asleep. You see, there is something impossible here.
Who can enter into a relationship of love that they don’t get to attend? In which they don’t get to enjoy the fruit? Love knows all about the requirement of restructuring. The only way the fruit is born is to not be there.
Phila has been back and forth from Canada to Brazil so many times. Each and every time she brings Japanese and North American hair products to her cousin in São Paulo. Her cousin moved from Recife to São Paulo six years ago to open up a hair salon. Zé observes such things. He is not sure he can trust Phila: this young woman who goes back and forth from Canada to Brazil. Like, he wonders why she would want to work in Brazil. He has this picture that Canada must be easy, so why would she want to come live the difficulty in Brazil, and work for nothing?
Zé thinks she might have a family back home: a husband and children of her own. Zé thinks Phila must be swimming in money. But this is not the reason he adores her. He adores her body. Like, it’s strong like he likes it. Within the last seven months (and since Zé and Phila’s first encounter), Phila has come to Brazil only one time. They have been intimate only five times. Each and every time is charged with tranquil, erotic, addictive spirit, equal panaceas for the two of them.
Phila will be back in São Paulo on September 7th. This time she will be there for three months. She has dreams of taking him to Canada with her.
Zé often asks his sisters about what they think of Phila by how he describes her. Though they like the idea that she might have lots of money, Zé’s sisters say, “Nao dar certo.” His sisters wonder would she really ever be able to give up the comfortable Canadian life she lives. Zé’s sisters can never imagine having their brother leave them and move to another country, even if he was to help them gain more money. Compelled by his skepticism, Zé began testing Phila. He created various male profiles on the Plenty of Fish dating site and sent messages to Phila, saying all the sweetest things in the world to her. Some of these “men” even sent long poems professing their adoration of her, of her beauty. Phila never responded to any of the messages. Zé wants to know, can Phila be neglected and not run into the arms of another man? Will she stick by his side through the tough times? Will the issue of class eventually bother her? Is this just a casual fling? Will she move to Brazil to be with him without him having to ask her?
At an Umbanda gathering there was, as always, lots of smoke. Umbanda is a blended spiritualist movement that involves African traditions with Roman Catholicism and Indigenous peoples o
f Brazil’s practices. Phila felt delight losing herself in the smoke. A man wearing a long white tunic and beige pants, she swore was Zé. The way this man moved, the way this man stood, the way this man hummed. But Zé would never in million years go to an Umbanda gathering; he is a devoted Catholic.
The drumming and chanting were getting more intense as people approached healers, seeking advice for the events and ongoing of their lives. The avó wore a white shirt and loose fitting jeans. The food on the floor in the centre of the main room: cicada, farofa com carne secs, and coconut water. Candles lit everywhere on the side tables and the floor around the food. People were standing all against the walls, mostly the men (though there were only five) and women, but most of the women were sitting, some younger women sitting on other women’s laps. The scent of tobacco smoke everywhere. One man there asked Phila, “Where are you from?” Phila replied, “Canada.” “Muito chic,” he replied. Phila approached the avó and asked her questions about Zé. The avó said some things that Phila didn’t really like. The avó said, “It will not work as a traditional relationship.”
Phila asked an avó to join her in prayer for Zé and her to be together. The avó said their relationship will not work if they live far from each other for too long. It will be fine for them to live apart for a year or two, but any more will be too trying for them. She felt spirits enter her, spirits of calm. In particular, Naná: the supreme mother, mother of the moon spirit and the sun spirit. They reminded her of Tapa, as in reflection. Tapa is getting to second thoughts and not merely being satiated with the first appearance of something. When really searching, we see that the entire universe cannot be looked upon as mere chance.
Are you ignoring me?
Phila, April, May and June 2015, Winnipeg
Cannot be looked upon as mere chance. Let me distinguish for you the difference between the letters A and B. Together they show us optional points. One follows the other, the other precedes the one. When chanting the alphabet, without B, C cannot follow. If you are A, let’s say, and I am B, shouldn’t I follow you? Or maybe it’s the other way around. But either way, not mere chance.
When people tell us no, we say most certainly yes. I will organize this confusion, this disorganization. Like what are our roles for each other, duties for each other? All the thoughts swimming in your mind that are eating away at you. Away at you and me. Don’t you see I need a good man to well for. Sometimes you can want something so bad that it happens never. Me, I adore transforming every bad experience into a good one.
Why are you ignoring me? I remember what the avó said at the Umbanda. I trust what she said. So many things are not said here. Like, why can’t you tell me directly that you want me to stay with you? We say it is winter here and the landscape view is every difference just taking some getting used to. São Paulo’s winters don’t compare to Winnipeg’s. There are variables of gas, dust and air. You test me. Are we not sure who should follow and lead? Like a good kinda wife will not nag you notoriously with an inundation of text messages. Not sure how everything is turning out. Yesterday I walked to the ocean, yet we live five hours from it. My walk comes from my ancestors, grandmothers vivified more than my mother. Almost every second day, they cut our water off. What will they scold our generation for today? See fortitude, but finances non-existent. And I only really have a fear of God. There are tents here that hold up everything, all my friends comfort shelter. Our lives are such astonishing ventures within each and every one of us. Most Americans need an answer right away. Like, why are you ignoring me?
Now I wanna talk about directness. The point of the matter is that people will always talk. This is something you can’t run away from. To gabber all one can muster. You, you like silence. I like you. Why didn’t you answer my text message yesterday? What’s never speaking to you mean then, all of a sudden I’m essential? You left me drawings all over my notebook. We play dating games together. You are the largest player telling me things I wanna know. It may look desperate if I go out with you last minute. That I like being lost. You called me to check up on me, but from a different number, yet I know it was you. The way you play gets into me. I like very much to know you’re giving me genuine. Like a heart hitchhiking into a mind. I love everything about being alive and this orgasms me into another you. Ignoring those you love only goes so far. Tomorrow will be a better day.
You, are you embarrassed to take me to meet your family? As you ejaculated in me, you asked me to marry you. Why do you avoid me now? Why we bleed for days after. Our families meeting in our bodies makes me love every-man-I-love’s mother. What about the other woman? Sometimes she can be a friend. If cheating is not wrong, if more vitality returns domestic. How wanting you more meant not touching you for days. Our bodies we never neglect to recollect. My actions victim possessive these jeans as skinny as they are. A woman just has to give space, that’s all. I want straight answers and my family is everything. My sister lets go and still we unite, this is family. People become direct for primal urges. I need children, not want but need, like, four. Women can share duties. I am not afraid of introducing men to my children. They will adore them, of this I am sure. We want children together. Why let this be need be minuscule? It is not. I need you to impregnate me.
On WhatsApp your status is lucid. Did I ever tell you you are my favourite lover? What did you walk through when I crossed my legs? But the whole selfish thing rocks me, like shouldn’t people be replete? Implementation calling me selfish, but I adore myself. And even more so, I adore everyone. I feel tranquil alone at the metro. I still want to have your children. Why do you ignore me not answering my texts?
Yesterday I met Zé for lunch in a motel. I revel in teaching lessons. Like these feet are surreal, I swear. A reverie is all but the aforementioned. Lover, why did you not call me after you asked me to marry you? I swear I’m fortified. Everything brings me closer and I can tell when you’re pulling my G-strings. So I let you be and you spirit me, asking ejaculation even more often into me. The norms of this circumstance get eradicated by love, you see, I’m not of trepidation of you. But they will ceaselessly crumble. And one plus one is one. Not of us. Ginger of our dignity. We only fear one thing so big. I want my children smart, happy on the inside – a smile or not, it’s all in the heart. My sisters are this earth, must be gentle and love each other. A man must not give much of himself, that she pines for it, but this thing is love itself. All my children will be growing too robust, this world turns celestial. This is another time.
Because of the suffering, people play games. It is the crime and rising costs that are the only deterrents. If we retrieve a short chance from some lives I can live in a mansion or a ditch. The intelligence of the heart is all I call home in each of you all. They can’t see this, how could they? There’s some emergency here. I hold the money for us. We fated a marriage to feed your family. Why are shops open when no one is here? Me, I don’t buy, little stealing too. My ex can’t be my friend if you enter my life, you see. Like the last one who proposed marriage to me couldn’t get away. My breasts are tender today. Kegels I maintain ritual. Doing things as a couple is boring; I prefer mother, children, sisters, grandmothers. The fixed bourgeois relation a priori excludes fresh air. This time I marry you and only you eternity. No longer norms present. Each quote is a dance floor.
Today it rained for three hours. We must be together tonight. Every reality for me is how I imagine it, it gets patient, it gets radiant. You never invited me to your house. Why trust in an elastic band. Yesterday I visited my cousin’s place. Her heart is all over the place, walking 500 feet into the ocean. We are not hunting for we can never bait. My impulse is to have five children with you. As we are growing up, they are finding us more attractive. My sister said, “This guy better not be playing you.” But that’s not how family works, striking rapid blessing not replete beget. See, you gotta work for it. How could they understand? I’d rather do whatever you ask me. I read that for a man to warran
t his security, he needs to stand distance. This obscure for a modern mind. We meet always when the calling. I knew you before you called. You see what I’m saying: it’s a rich life and we have no house. Being too serious makes me vomit. May we play all avenues first. Everything about you exhilarates me to run to you. Yesterday I dreamt of a leaf and a lion and your mind.
What do we do when we will die for our parents?
Every day is a grind, but what is outlandish is divine. I am ignoring my work today. Some difference between belief and gratitude. Like if I work so hard to get in. I’m it, with spirit. There is nothing more splendid. Since I can’t sleep I go to storytelling. In telling all I intend to know. Where you capture me, I’m bounded by your thigh. I cannot sleep. But where are you?
Ignoring someone is one of the oldest forms of punishment. Zé has been ignoring Phila for over a week and a half. She sent over six messages to him, and he has yet to respond to any of them. The last time they were intimate was in April. It’s a pity that when Phila is in São Paulo, Zé doesn’t have a place for them to share together. Phila stays with her cousin and Zé always lives with his family. It would be a great disrespect to his mother if Phila stayed with them. Besides, Zé is too embarrassed to have Phila see where he lives – it’s too early for that.