by Sarah Morgan
The crazy thing was, she couldn’t remember. She couldn’t remember any of the things that Tim had made her feel.
She wasn’t even sure if she’d really loved him.
She shook her head slightly, suddenly feeling strange.
When had it happened?
When had she suddenly started to question the way she’d felt about Tim?
Joel was still looking at her. ‘When did you know that Tim was the man you wanted to marry?’
Lucy opened her mouth, hesitating before she answered. ‘I suppose everyone just assumed we would,’ she said finally. ‘Getting married just seemed like a natural progression to our friendship.’
Joel frowned. ‘I’m no expert, but that doesn’t sound like love to me. It sounds like convenience.’
Lucy gave a half-smile. ‘But love isn’t like the fairy-tales, Joel.’
‘Isn’t it?’ Joel gave her a strange look. ‘Actually, I’ve always assumed that it should be, if it’s right. From the outside, looking in, my parents seem to have it, and Michael and Maria, and Nick and Tina. You only have to watch them together to see that they share something special. Something that is just between the two of them. Is that what you had with Tim?’
‘I don’t think so,’ she said honestly. ‘I just don’t know how I felt about Tim any more. Everything is so mixed up. Anger at the way he left us and hurt Sam, fear of being on my own, loneliness—sometimes my emotions are in such a mess that I couldn’t begin to untangle them.’ She slipped her fingers into the pocket of her jeans and pulled out a crumpled letter. ‘Do you know what I did tonight?’
‘What?’
‘I read Tim’s letter for the first time. He left it on the table the day he decided to walk out.’
Joel looked astonished. ‘And you’d never read it before?’
‘Oh, I read it.’ Lucy stared down at the paper, realising that looking at it didn’t hurt any more. ‘I read it, but I didn’t read it, if you see what I mean.’
Joel shook his head and gave her an apologetic look. ‘Frankly, no.’
Lucy gave a tiny smile. ‘Well, I read the words, of course, but I didn’t really try and understand or listen to what he was telling me in the letter. I was so angry and hurt by the way he’d behaved towards us that I couldn’t see further than the obvious fact. That he’d left us.’
‘But now?’
‘Now I’m starting to wonder whether he was right.’ She shook her head slightly. ‘Not in the way he did it, of course—leaving Sam like that was unforgivable. But he said that we married for all the wrong reasons and maybe he was right.’
He stared at her. ‘What made you decide all this?’
‘I don’t know.’
But she did know.
It was because of Joel.
Spending time with Joel had made her realise that what she’d had with Tim hadn’t been right.
Suddenly she knew exactly what being in love felt like.
It was the way she felt about Joel.
Not that she’d ever tell Joel that, of course. He was probably used to women falling in love with him, but she certainly didn’t want to admit that she’d joined their ranks. At least this way she’d keep him as a friend.
And that was all he would ever be, of course. Joel didn’t know what love was. Which meant that he certainly wasn’t in love with her.
‘How do you know that someone is right, Lucy?’ He shrugged his shoulders helplessly. ‘I’m so afraid I’ll get it wrong.’
She smiled softly, thinking enviously of the woman Joel finally fell in love with. ‘I suppose, when it happens, you’ll just know. You just haven’t met the right person, Joel.’
‘Maybe not.’ He gave a smile and reached out a hand. ‘I’ve had a lousy day. I need a hug.’
She went willingly into his arms, and he folded her against him.
‘I could get to like this friendship business,’ he muttered into her hair, and she reflected on the irony of the situation.
At the beginning she’d only wanted friendship and Joel hadn’t been sure that he could deliver, and now, when she was beginning to think she’d like their relationship to develop into something more, he was enjoying their friendship.
She leaned her head against his broad chest and closed her eyes, thinking of Tim and of Ivy.
‘You know something?’ Her voice was quiet and slightly muffled by the wool of his jumper. ‘Despite the sadness of her death, I think that Ivy was lucky in many ways. She met the man of her dreams. So many people don’t meet that person, or they meet them at the wrong time, or they meet them and the feeling isn’t returned. I think Ivy was lucky, don’t you?’
Joel’s grip tightened and she felt his strong fingers under her chin, lifting her face to his.
‘Maybe.’ He stared down at her with a strange look in his eyes. ‘Maybe she was.’
CHAPTER EIGHT
JOEL sat in the practice meeting and tried to concentrate on what his brothers were saying.
‘Joel!’ Michael’s voice barked at him. ‘You’re away with the fairies, man! What’s the matter with you today?’
Joel took a deep breath, wondering what they’d say if he confessed that he’d been thinking about love. Part of him wanted to know how his brothers had known they were in love, but it wasn’t a question he’d ever dare ask. Anyway, he knew well enough that what was true for one person might not be true for another.
All he knew was that he was struggling with his relationship with Lucy. She’d asked for friendship and he was pretty proud of the way he’d behaved. Mostly—apart from that one lapse when he’d given way to his instincts and kissed her senseless—he’d kept his true feelings for her well under control.
But what were his true feelings for her?
He tried to concentrate on what Michael was saying about prescribing costs but his mind kept wandering back to Lucy. He found her attractive, of course, that was easy enough to identify, and normally he’d just have enjoyed the relationship until it was time to move on. That was what he’d always done in the past.
But Lucy was different.
For a start, she’d only ever been to bed with one man, which virtually made her a virgin as far as he was concerned. And then there was the fact that she just wasn’t the type to have casual relationships.
But what else could he offer her?
He certainly wasn’t in love with her.
Or was he?
Trying to analyse his feelings, he thought back to how he’d reacted to other women. He’d certainly never felt as protective towards anyone as he did towards Lucy. He stared at his notepad without seeing it. And he certainly hadn’t subdued his own feelings before in order to be friends with a woman.
Maybe that was it. It was a purely physical thing. He was just frustrated.
One night with Lucy and all these confused feelings would go away.
‘Why don’t you go home, Joel?’
He jumped and realised that his father was talking to him. ‘We’re trying to run a meeting here and you’re miles away.’
‘Sorry folks.’ He smiled apologetically. ‘I’ve a few things on my mind.’
‘We were talking about the Valentine’s Ball.’ His father looked at the agenda with the list of things to discuss. ‘Michael will be on call. Is that still OK, Michael?’
Michael sighed. ‘It’s fine. Someone else can do it next year. Maria will be babysitting Sam, so I’ll join her until I get called out.’
Joel smiled. ‘Thanks, Mike.’
Michael scowled. ‘You just be careful, baby brother.’
Joel nodded, knowing that Michael was talking about Lucy. He was being careful. Every time he felt like kissing her again he made himself scarce and took cold showers. And as for the ball, well how much trouble could he get into on the dance floor in front of his mother?
The evening of the Valentine’s Ball was crisp and clear, and Lucy’s insides churned with excitement as she dressed for the ball.
Tina h
ad brought her own dress to the flat so that they could change together, and they stood in the bathroom, fiddling with make-up and giggling like teenagers.
‘This reminds me of my college days.’ Tina laughed, wincing as she poked herself in the eye with a mascara wand. ‘Ouch. Do you want me to put your hair up for you?’
‘Would you?’ Lucy looked at her gratefully, knowing that she would never manage to create the look that Tina could. She was very gifted.
Satisfied with her own make-up, Tina sat Lucy in a chair and flicked open her bag. ‘Right… Now, then…’ She stared into the bag and then picked up a pair of scissors.
Lucy’s eyes widened with alarm and Tina grinned.
‘Trust me. I just want to trim the front bits. It will look better, I promise. You’ll be able to peep out through these floaty strands. Very sexy and alluring.’
Alluring? Lucy looked at her doubtfully. She didn’t have the first clue how to look alluring.
Tina snipped quickly and then pulled out a brush and clips and twisted Lucy’s hair into a knot on the back of her head, teasing a few strands over her cheeks.
‘Oh, perfect—no, you can’t look yet.’ Tina reached for her make-up box and picked out a few things. ‘Just a touch of this… There—fantastic.’
She worked for another ten minutes and finally she straightened with a smile of satisfaction and reached for the dress.
‘Time to go to the ball, Cinderella.’
Lucy slithered into the dress and Tina helped her fasten it.
‘Perfect. Now look at yourself in the mirror.’
But before Lucy had a chance there was a loud banging on the door and Tina looked at her in dismay.
‘They’re here already? Where did the time go?’
She leaned forward and kissed Lucy on the cheek, giving her a saucy wink. ‘Don’t forget, tonight you’re living those college years. Go for it, girl!’
With that she shimmied across the room, veiled her eyes in a sexy expression and opened the door.
Nick stood there, resplendent in a dinner jacket, and Tina sighed dramatically
‘My hero.’
Nick glanced down at her cleavage and gave her a suggestive wink. ‘Do we have to go to the ball?’
‘Yes, we do.’ Tina pretended to look shocked but she stood on tiptoe to kiss her husband. ‘Have you warmed the car up for us?’
‘We’ve booked a taxi so that we can drink. His engine and his meter are running as we speak, so get a move on. Is Lucy ready?’
Lucy stepped forward shyly, clutching the wrap that went with the dress. ‘I’m here.’
Nick stared at her in silence and then cleared his throat and stepped to one side.
Joel walked past his brother and Lucy’s breath caught as she looked at him. Dressed in a dark dinner jacket and bow-tie, he looked stunningly handsome.
‘I— Hi…’ Suddenly she felt hideously self-conscious, aware that he was looking at her differently.
‘You look gorgeous.’ His voice was husky and very male, and Tina gave a delighted smile.
‘Isn’t she beautiful?’
‘Tina, please…’ Lucy interrupted her, thoroughly embarrassed, but Joel was nodding slowly.
‘Really beautiful.’
Nick was frowning. ‘Joel…’
Joel tossed him a warning glance which Lucy didn’t understand. Why was Nick looking at Joel like that?
Joel held out his arm, his eyes warm as he looked down at her. ‘Come on then. Let’s go and dance.’
He was as good as his word, and as soon as the meal and the speeches were over, he swept her onto the dance floor without listening to her arguments that she couldn’t be the first person to dance.
To add to her embarrassment, as they walked onto the floor he reached up and tugged the pins out of her hair so that it tumbled loose and soft around her shoulders.
She gave a gasp of astonishment and touched her hair self-consciously. ‘What are you doing?’
He grinned and shrugged. ‘Sorry, but you look better with long hair.’
‘But Tina thought—’
‘Tina’s not a man.’ His slow, sexy smile lit a fire inside her and she felt a liquid warmth spread through her veins.
The jazz band was playing and he spun her onto the dance floor, never letting go of her for one second. He was a superb dancer, holding her close one minute, whirling her round the next, but always in control so that she completely forgot to feel embarrassed.
And she had fun.
More fun than she could remember having had in years.
Maybe ever…
They danced without stopping for at least an hour, but finally the music slowed and he slid an arm round her and pulled her against him.
She felt the hard strength of his body pressing through the thin fabric of her dress and she gave a shiver of reaction. It was exciting and frightening at the same time, the way she felt when Joel touched her.
They would have danced for ever but Nick intervened, giving his brother a meaningful look as he pushed him to one side and pulled Lucy into his arms.
‘Is something the matter?’ Trying not to show her disappointment, Lucy looked up at him, wondering why he seemed so tense. He seemed angry with Joel, but what possible reason could he have for being angry?
She remembered the look that Nick had given Joel back at the apartment, and wondered what was going on.
‘Nothing’s the matter.’ He gave her a reassuring smile and then sighed. ‘Look, Lucy, I’m going to be honest…’ His voice was hesitant. ‘We’re all worried about you.’
She stopped dead, no longer moving in time to the music as she looked up at him. ‘Worried about me? Why?’
Why on earth were they worried about her? She actually felt better than she had for a very long time.
‘We’re all worried that you’ll fall for Joel,’ Nick said gently, his arms tightening around her. ‘He’s a great guy, and I love him, but he’s never committed to a woman in his life and he’ll break your heart.’
It was like being showered with cold water. Oh, Nick was right, of course. He wasn’t telling her anything she didn’t already know but, still, hearing him say it—and tonight of all nights when she’d been having such a good time—really hurt.
‘W-we’re just friends, Nick,’ she stammered, and Nick looked her straight in the eye.
‘Sweetheart, you are like an open book,’ he said quietly. ‘You adore him, Lucy. It’s written all over your face.’
She stared at him, appalled, and then pulled herself together. ‘D-does he know?’
Nick shrugged and then shook his head. ‘I don’t know—I don’t think so. He seems to have a lot on his mind at the moment, for some reason, so he’s not himself. I just don’t want him to take advantage of you.’
Lucy thought of all the long hours she and Joel had talked into the night—plenty of time for him to have taken advantage of her if that was all he was interested in.
But he hadn’t done that.
Apart from that one spectacular kiss, he’d never touched her. Instead, he’d just been the friend he’d promised he’d be. And her happiness over the weeks since she’d met him had been entirely because of him.
‘He hasn’t taken advantage of me,’ she said bleakly. ‘And I’m not a child, Nick. I’m touched by your concern but you don’t have to worry about me. Is that why you’ve been glaring at poor Joel? Because you’re afraid he’ll make a pass at me?’
Nick looked sheepish. ‘We’ve been warning him off you from day one. Trust me, Lucy. You don’t need Joel.’
Didn’t she?
Oh, she knew that he wasn’t the sort of man to offer her anything long term—but at least he was honest about that.
In fact, Joel had never been anything but honest. He’d even admitted that he had no experience in being just a friend. And he’d turned out to be the best friend she’d ever had.
And his honesty was part of the attraction. With Joel you knew exactly what yo
u were getting.
She looked up at Nick, her thoughts clearer than they’d been for a long time.
She did need Joel. If only to help her find parts of herself that she’d never discovered before.
‘I know you’re trying to help, and you’ve all been really kind, but I’m not made of glass.’ She gave a slight smile and Nick shook his head regretfully.
‘If you go after Joel, all you’ll get is a short-term relationship, Lucy. Just as long as you realise that.’
‘I realise that.’
But it was what she wanted.
She knew that now.
Tim hadn’t been right for her, but she hadn’t even known that because her experience of life had been so narrow.
It hadn’t been until she’d met Joel that she’d realised just how complicated emotions could be. Tim had never unleashed any of the passion that she felt for Joel.
And she felt like a teenager—desperate to know what it would be like to—to…
She blushed at the thought of it, hoping that Nick couldn’t read her thoughts. He obviously thought she was some sort of innocent creature who had to be protected from his brother’s wicked ways.
But she didn’t want to be protected.
She wanted to have an affair. A wild, uncomplicated physical affair. Something she’d never done before. Something she’d never dreamed of doing until she’d met Joel. And if it turned out to be very short-lived, well, she’d cope. She’d managed to cope with the fallout from Tim’s actions so she could cope with anything.
Suddenly she felt stronger than she ever had before. And she felt proud of herself.
She had coped. She and Sam together. And she’d discovered things about herself that she hadn’t even known before.
Like the fact that she’d rather have one night with the man she loved than a lifetime with someone that she didn’t.
Wasn’t that what Ivy had said? And she’d been right.
Suddenly she wanted Joel to take her home.
But what if he didn’t want what she wanted?
As he strolled towards her over the dance floor she looked at him, long-limbed and drop-dead handsome, and suddenly doubted herself. Why would Joel, who was used to sophisticated, experienced women, want her?