"Then what is it?"
Caroline took a big breath. There was no sense dancing around it, she might as well borrow some of Rebecca's famous bluntness and come out with what she wanted.
"I want to have fun."
To be fair, when said out loud it really did not sound overly significant.
Rebecca looked confused. Which was understandable.
"Fun?" she repeated.
Caroline nodded.
"Fun," she reiterated. Just in case there was any confusion.
"Right."
There was a pause while Rebecca waited for Caroline to elaborate. Which she didn't.
"Right," Rebecca said again. "Well, there are a lot of events planned. You know the Smithson ball is this evening and of course I planned to host a dinner to welcome you so that should be… fun."
Caroline smiled. "I should explain."
Rebecca nodded enthusiastically.
"As you are well aware, all my life, or at least since I outgrew the nursery, I have been schooled to act a certain way. Behave a certain way. Be a certain type of lady."
Rebecca merely nodded again and waited for Caroline to continue.
"It has never bothered me, doing what was right, what was expected," Caroline went on. Her mind flashed to Tom Crawdon and the image of him walking away from her when she rejected him. She inhaled swiftly at the sharp pain that cut through her heart.
"Almost never bothered me," she corrected softly. She could see Rebecca's expression and the curiosity stamped on her face but ploughed on before her sister could give voice to the questions she must have about the 'almost.'
"Now I find that being the good one doesn't have as much appeal as it once had. Not that you were bad, just—" Here she coloured a little, not quite knowing how to phrase what she wanted to say.
"Just scandalous, headache-inducing, and altogether troublesome?" Rebecca asked ruefully.
Caroline smiled. "Yes, something like that. But you're also exciting, spontaneous, entertaining and… well… fun! Besides Mama and Papa haven't called you a headache in years."
"Yes well, that's because I give them to Edward now instead," quipped her sister.
Rebecca leaned forward and grasped Caroline's hand. "I must ask, what has brought all this on?"
Caroline sighed. "I will marry well Rebecca, you know I will. I will do what is expected. Behave as I'm expected. But, for once in my life I would like to be unexpected! To misbehave a little."
Caroline saw Rebecca's look of surprise and smiled wryly.
"Yes I can see how shocking this must be for you. But that is why it is so important to me. Do you know I almost gave Father another heart attack two weeks ago because I wore blue to a dance? That was it. That was all I did. Wear blue instead of white. Imagine being so good, so utterly, unbearably good that wearing a different colour causes upset!"
Caroline could feel tears beginning to form at the back of her eyes. Tears of frustration, disappointment, embarrassment. She did not know quite what she was feeling. All she knew was that if she were to shackle herself to the 'right' husband for the rest of her life, she wanted to live a little before she did so.
"I want to live, Rebecca," she explained now, her conviction shining in her crystal blue eyes. "I want to be spontaneous. I want to flirt, dance, laugh, and even be a little scandalous. Just once. Just for one Season. Then I will settle down to be a good Society wife as I promised Papa I would."
Rebecca did not answer for some time. When she did, her voice was gentle and, it seemed to Caroline, a little sad.
"I have no doubt that it must have been incredibly difficult for you, Caro. Carrying the burden of responsibility for all of us. We both know our parents never expected much from me and although Charles is now beginning to mature, I don't believe London has seen a rake like him since Tom left for the Americas."
If Rebecca noticed Caroline's reaction to Tom's name, she did not comment on it.
"I realise now how unfair it was for Papa to pin all of his hopes and expectations on you. But you play the dutiful child so perfectly I suppose I never even thought that you wanted more. And I want more for you. But not just for a Season before you marry. Caroline, you are entitled to happiness, not just for a Season, but for always! All your talk of marrying the right person, doing the right thing. It's admirable but sadly lacking the ingredients for a happy marriage. What about love?"
Caroline could not know that her stricken expression spoke more to her sister than the words that left her mouth. She covered it quickly enough but Rebecca had seen it and knew that something or someone was hurting her sister very much.
But rather than confide in her younger sister, Caroline squared her shoulders and answered as flippantly as she could.
"I made the decision a long time ago that I would not hanker after love in a marriage, Rebecca. I have made my peace with that decision. I do not feel that I would miss anything by marrying for less romantic reasons."
Rebecca studied Caroline intently before answering. "And if you should fall in love? What then?"
Caroline took so long to answer that Rebecca thought she must have decided to stay mute for the remainder of the afternoon. Eventually, however, Caroline spoke and Rebecca's heart tore at the bleak tone to her voice, at her valiant effort to act unaffected.
"I shall not fall in love, Becca. Not ever."
"Caro, you cannot know that. Why, it could happen at any moment and I'm—"
"No, Rebecca," Caroline interrupted sharply, "it could not. I am certain, absolutely certain that love is not in my future. A good marriage — respect, support, wealth and a title. Those are what lie ahead for me. Those are the things I decided on. It is what I chose. It is enough."
Rebecca wondered at her sister's cryptic remarks. What she chose? When had she made such a miserable choice? But Rebecca knew Caroline well enough to know that she had pushed her far enough. Caroline would not answer any more probing questions on the subject. So Rebecca would have no choice but to leave it for now.
But something had put that bleak look in her sister's eyes. Rebecca just could not think what.
CHAPTER TWO
CAROLINE LOOKED HERSELF over critically while Sally put the finishing touches to her hair, twining a blue satin ribbon through her carefully constructed curls. The sky blue satin gown showed a larger amount of cleavage than Caroline was used to. It was not vulgar, but it was certainly more daring than anything she'd worn in recent times. She thought back wryly to the pastel blue dress she'd worn at the assembly in Offaly, the one that nearly killed her father.
At home, under the watchful eye of her mother, she had almost entirely worn white. But this was not home! The colour of the gown made her eyes appear vividly blue and one could not help but notice their sparkle. She supposed to others it would seem like excitement. She knew, of course, that they were slightly glazed since she'd been feeling like casting up her accounts for the past hour. Tonight was to be her first foray into Society since her last, two years ago, and she meant to make an impact.
Usually Caroline's aim was to draw as little attention to herself as possible whilst still maintaining a noticeable presence at any event. The trick was to be mentioned in conversation, to be attended to by suitable gentlemen, but not be talked about so much that one became fodder for the gossips. It was a delicate balancing act that Caroline had been perfecting for years.
Tonight though was Caroline's chance to re-launch herself. To loosen up a little and enjoy her freedom, such as it was, being a single young lady on the marriage mart. It would require careful handling of course. She could skirt the line of impropriety, but not cross it. She could allude to being scandalous, but never be fully so.
Caroline was nervous. She could admit that to herself. She was very aware that as much as she chose to enjoy herself, she must still land herself a husband by the end of it. And the type of husband her father deemed respectable would expect a certain standard of behaviour from his potential wife.
She gulped pas
t the sudden lump in her throat.
If all did not go well, she could find herself married to Lord Doncastle and be rusticating in the Irish countryside for the rest of her days. Or his. He didn't appear to have many left, in fairness. But it would be enough for Caroline to have disappeared into obscurity forevermore.
The temptation to revert to being stiflingly, perfectly proper was strong. Why fix what was not broken, after all? She could spend the Season being the perfect lady as always, find herself a nice appropriate man, make her father happy, and continue to live her life exactly as she had been doing.
And never have the chance to experience life the way she wanted to. To experience fun, laughter, adventure! To prove to herself that she was more than a perfect outer shell of manners and poise. To prove that there was more to her than what people thought.
Caroline had done enough sacrificing for her good name and breeding. She'd made the ultimate sacrifice two years ago. She'd given up her only chance of love. And though she had her reasons, she had never recovered from it. Not a day had gone by where she hadn't bitterly regretted doing what was right rather than what her heart had so desperately wanted.
It was too late now for love. Tom Crawdon had taken her heart with him the day he'd walked out of her life. But was it too late for everything else? No. She wouldn't let it be.
Squaring her shoulders, Caroline gave herself another looking over before taking her fan and wrap from Sally.
"Wish me luck, Sally," she said softly.
Apart from Rebecca, Sally was the only other person Caroline had taken into her confidence. The older woman had been Caroline's personal maid from the time Caroline began wearing long skirts. Sally knew Caroline inside and out. Knew the pressures she felt, the hurt she'd felt. Knew about the many, many nights Caroline had cried herself to sleep mourning the loss of her one chance of real happiness, though Sally was not aware of the circumstances. Caroline had kept that from everyone.
"I do, my lady," answered Sally now in her brisk Irish brogue. "Though you'll not need it. The whole of London will be at your feet and 'tis no more than you deserve. Enjoy it."
Caroline smiled gratefully at the older abigail before turning and sweeping from the room. Her nerves threatened to overwhelm her as she made her way down the imposing staircase to where Rebecca and her husband Edward awaited her.
She had not seen Edward since her arrival as he'd been away at one of his estates. Rebecca had assured her however that he would return in time to escort them to the ball this evening and, true to his word, he had arrived in plenty of time.
Caroline had not heard anything of his return, but it must have been some time ago since he appeared as pristine and handsome as ever in his black evening wear.
However, even if he had returned earlier it seemed, based on the display Caroline was currently witnessing, that he hadn't had too much time alone with his wife.
Caroline was torn between retreating to a safe distance and throwing water on the pair of them so they could cool down. Really, it was highly improper to be so wrapped around each other in a hallway. The old Caroline would have turned away then taken the opportunity to lecture Rebecca at another time.
The new Caroline thought she should brazen it out. And while doing so, push the feeling of envy that was threatening to well up inside her back where it belonged.
She did not envy Rebecca her husband. Never had two people been more in love than Rebecca and Edward. She envied the fact that her sister had been brave and lucky enough to embrace her love for Edward and have it returned.
If Caroline had been brave, how different her life would have been…
But no matter. Dwelling on the past wouldn't change it.
Time to separate the pair before she saw far more of the both of them than she ever needed to see.
"Ahem."
At her subtle cough Rebecca and Edward sprang apart guiltily.
Edward had the decency to look abashed. Rebecca grinned unrepentantly.
"Caroline, how good to see you again." Edward issued a perfect bow.
"Good evening Edward." Caroline was amused to see a blush staining the young duke's face. "It is good to see you again, too."
"You look even more beautiful than the last time we met."
Caroline smiled her thanks at the compliment then turned to her sister.
"If you've finished attacking your husband in the hallway, perhaps we can leave," she quipped.
Edward's mouth dropped open in shock. Of course, he was unaware of the changed Caroline, presuming her to still be as proper as ever, as much a stickler for the rules.
Caroline could not help but laugh at the expression on Edward's face.
"No doubt you are surprised to hear me speak in such a manner dear brother. Perhaps your wife's influence is taking hold of me."
"Yes," agreed Rebecca, "or you've removed the poker from your –"
"Sweetheart," interrupted Edward smoothly, "we shall be late."
Caroline smothered a laugh and winked conspiratorially at her younger sister. Being outrageous would be fun…
The Smithson townhouse blazed brightly in the darkening sky as Edward's ducal carriage made its slow progress to the front steps. Caroline's stomach quivered with a mixture of nerves and excitement.
She so looked forward to an evening where she was more concerned with how much enjoyment was to be had rather than how people perceived her.
Their carriage finally rolled to a stop at the foot of the stairs leading to the imposing black doors of the house. The doors had been thrown open for the stream of guests and Caroline could already glimpse a multitude of people — gentlemen in fine evening coats and ladies sparkling under the lights of the many candles adorning the chandelier.
It was good to be back.
Rebecca came forward and tucked Caroline's arm under her own and together the sisters ascended the steps leaving Edward to trail behind. Of course, Edward should really be escorting them both, but Rebecca had never been one to care for such things and she wasn't about to start now. Luckily, the ton found her flouting the rules quite endearing so she got away with it.
Once inside, the noise level increased dramatically so Caroline made no attempt to converse with Rebecca or Edward. There were plenty of recognisable faces in the crowd. Married ladies, made noticeable by the striking colours they wore, who had been debutantes two years ago when Caroline had her first Season. Debutantes, still single, identifiable by the pastels they wore and by the gleam of desperation in their eyes as they surveyed their quarry.
Caroline glanced around the room taking it all in as she awaited her turn to greet the Smithsons. Her eyes took in the variety of faces until suddenly—
No! It could not be, could it?
Caroline shook her head slightly to clear it. She must be seeing things. After all, the last time she had been at an event as grand as this had been Edward and Rebecca's engagement party. So it stood to reason that her mind would conjure up an image of him. And yet…
She was almost sure it was him. In the flesh. Not in America. But here in the hallway of the Smithson townhouse.
Caroline leaned in and whispered frantically to Rebecca, "Rebecca, Mr. Crawdon has not returned to England has he?"
Rebecca looked at her curiously.
"No, of course not. Edward would have known, I'm sure of it."
Caroline felt a rush of emotion at her sister's response. Whether it was relief or disappointment however she could not say.
"It is nothing," she answered, calmer now, "My mind must be playing tricks on me. I thought I had seen him in the crowd."
Rebecca had no time to answer as they had finally reached their hosts and spent several minutes engaging in polite chitchat before moving to enter the ballroom.
The room was resplendent in draped white silks and hundreds of deep red roses. Mrs. Smithson had always had a flair for dramatics and tonight was no exception.
Caroline took in the room with a breath of excitement
, and yet her elation was tainted with the feelings her supposed sighting of Tom had stirred up.
She shook her head a little at her own folly. Of course Edward would know if Tom had returned to England. More brothers than cousins, the two were the very best of friends. Caroline and Rebecca had grown excessively close in recent years, but before that there had been an estrangement of sorts, with Caroline so fixated on control and maintaining a stiff upper lip at all times and Rebecca, well, being Rebecca. But no such difference of personality had separated the cousins. Even when Edward left his rakish ways to become the sensible Duke of Hartridge, and Tom continued to be an incorrigible rogue, they had remained as close as ever. It was yet another thing Caroline regretted.
Before her thoughts could turn too maudlin, Caroline shook them off. This Season was about loosening that lip and thoroughly enjoying herself in the process. Harping on about the past, even to herself, was not conducive to mischief making.
They had not been long in the ballroom when they were surrounded by a veritable crowd of people.
Caroline knew that Rebecca always attracted attention, usually from people who wanted to see what delightful scandal she would cause next.
What she didn't realise, however, was that in the two years since her marriage to Edward and since the birth of Henry, Rebecca had become almost respectable. And Town was well used to and rather fond of her mishaps by now, regardless. It would have been a great shock to Caroline to know that it was she who caused the sensation, and not her younger sister.
Rebecca turned to Caroline with excited eyes as people, predominantly young and very-much-unattached gentlemen, battled their way over to where they stood.
"Well Caro, you haven't said or done anything even slightly scandalous and here you stand, the talk of the room already!" she whispered as Edward took up the reins of conversation, giving the sisters a small amount of privacy.
Sensing the sisters' want for privacy, Edward had begun to regale the crowd with stories of Parliament. It was long winded and boring and nobody wanted to hear it but they listened regardless. One did not ignore the Duke of Hartridge, after all.
Seeking Scandal Page 3