He no longer loved her. He couldn't. He had no heart left to love with; she had made sure of that. So why then had his first thought been to grab her and kiss her senseless; to see if she still tasted as good as he remembered, as he still dreamed about?
"So," Edward's tone was conversational which immediately put Tom on his guard. He knew the duke far too well to be taken in. "Would you care to explain why you're trying to get yourself killed?"
"What?"
"I can only assume from the way you've been treating Caroline, that you want me to put a bullet in your head."
"A fair assumption, I suppose. But do you not think that I have some right to feel angry?"
Edward looked at him shrewdly for a moment before releasing a sigh and taking his seat behind the desk.
"I don't know, Tom," he answered. "I understand how you must have felt, but—"
Edward's words were cut off by Tom's bark of laughter.
"You understand how I must have felt? And how is it that you would understand, cousin? You, who fell in love with a woman who loved you back. Who accepted your offer for her. Who did not make you feel like the most worthless man in the world."
Tom could hear the bitterness in his tone and he hated it. He hated that he still felt anything, good or bad, about Caroline Carrington.
He stood up from the chair and paced toward the window, gazing unseeingly at the perfectly maintained gardens behind Edward's townhouse.
Dammit! He'd run away for two years to escape the demons of his love for her. Two years of building his empire beyond his wildest imaginations. Of being the most dashing rogue of the New York scene. Womanising, drinking, gambling… until he'd finally felt whole enough to return home. Back where he belonged.
And all it had taken was one damned glimpse of her across a crowded hallway to make him feel broken all over again.
Well, he'd die before he'd admit that to anyone. Especially the man across from him who knew him as well as he knew himself.
Get yourself under control, Tom, he urged himself.
Tom glanced back to find Edward gazing pityingly at him and he swore under his breath. The last thing he wanted was pity.
"Perhaps I do not know exactly how you feel then," Edward conceded, moving to stand beside his cousin at the window.
Strange that two years should make such a difference. Tom had always been as tall as Edward, practically identical in height. But whereas Edward had been broadly muscled, Tom's body had been more streamlined. Now though, he matched Edward in size.
"But I can imagine. When I lost Rebecca, even for that one night, and then when she did not wake for three days, I–I do not know how I got through it. So no, I don't know what it feels like to be rejected, thank God. But I know how it is to feel like your whole world has been lost to you."
Tom swallowed hard as Edward gripped his shoulder. Yes, that was it. That was what it had felt like. He'd handed her his world, his heart, his soul. And she'd found them wanting.
Tom had thought that he'd come to terms with his feelings. With his loss. He had come to the Smithson ball, knowing that he would not be refused entrance, especially because the hostess would want it to be her party that the notorious Tom Crawdon made his return at. He had wanted to surprise his family. Had thought of a fun filled evening, catching up, laughing, planting himself straight back into the world in which he belonged.
His time in America had been more than enjoyable, at least after the first six months or so of doing nothing but drowning his sorrows in brandy and questionable company. For one thing, his businesses had climbed to dizzying heights. For another, the Americans weren't as obsessed with titles and lineage as the British. Yet Tom had still yearned to come home.
He'd sauntered into the Smithson townhouse, aware of and amused by the stares, the gasps, the whispering, the swooning — one unfortunate debutante had actually fainted after he'd winked at her and she had to be carried outside.
And then, he'd seen her. He'd glanced toward the receiving line since somebody seemed to be creating a bit of a sensation, his cobalt blue eyes scanning the new arrivals and then suddenly…
His heart had recognised her seconds before his brain registered that it was she. It had caused him such a fierce slam of pain that he'd almost reeled from it.
Looking more beautiful than ever, her hair like spun gold under the candlelight, her blue satin dress making her eyes appear even more striking than he remembered. His eyes raked greedily over her, taking in every inch, though he willed himself not to care. He felt like a starved man offered a meal. He was horrified by how much she still affected him, he who had been so sure that any and all feelings had been left at the bottom of an empty brandy bottle in New York.
He had felt his hands clench into fists, physically restraining himself from pushing through the crowd and gathering her into his arms.
Dear God, did she have to be here? Now? And did she have to look so damned good?
As if sensing his eyes on her, Caroline had turned in his direction. He had mere seconds to school his features to that of an uncaring stranger.
The truth was, he was shaken by his reaction to her and needed to gather his wits about him.
He'd watched as her cool blue eyes widened in recognition. He could see the second she stopped breathing, but only because of where his eyes had been trained at that moment. Very much south of her face.
But he looked at her face now, determined not to pay heed to the lust roaring through his body.
Her features registered her shock, her disbelief. But had he also seen joy before she turned frantically to her younger sister?
Tom had taken the opportunity of their broken eye contact to slip away. He did not want to see or speak to them yet.
Clearly, Caroline was in Town. Most likely for a Season. Tom knew that this information would change things for him. He just did not know in what way or how much. And until he figured it out, he had no desire to face any of them.
He'd meant to leave. Truly he had. But he was drawn to her, much as he hated to admit it, even to himself. He could not leave. So he watched, careful not to be seen by Edward and Rebecca. It was soon evident however that there was very little chance of him being seen by Edward and Rebecca since they'd taken off somewhere and left Caroline to her own devices. They were terrible chaperones, the pair of them.
He watched as that detestable little runt Hadley tried to engage her attention by some long-winded ramblings that she was definitely not listening to. He watched as the man leapt about with far more gusto than the dance warranted. She was embarrassed by him but far too well bred to show it.
And he watched as her eyes scanned the crowd frantically, no doubt searching for her missing chaperones, and landed once again on his.
The resultant fiasco still managed to bring a smile to his face this morning. He would always remember with fondness her forehead landing such a blow on Hadley's that she'd near knocked him clean out. He'd had to stop himself from rushing to her side the second they'd collided to make sure she was well, and was once again frustrated with his own folly. Dammit, why should he care if she were well or not? He should not care about her at all. He did not care about her.
This frustration kept hold of him all the way out to the balcony where his cousin had steered the two ladies. And it was there that he found Caroline — her voice alone heating his blood as it always had — trying desperately to convince Edward and Rebecca that she had seen him.
He knew that the greeting he'd given her had been unspeakably rude but the second she'd spoken his name, in that breathless whisper, he had realised that he was not strong enough to resist falling under her spell once again. The only way to keep himself safe this time round was to treat her with contempt and aloofness. That was what she deserved.
His mind made up, Tom had come to call this morning knowing that Edward would want to ring a peal over his head for his treatment of Lady Caroline. He hoped to clear the air with his cousin, after all he had ret
urned to be with his family and did not want an estrangement. He had intended to explain to Edward that he would be civil and polite to Lady Caroline and would ensure that his behaviour from now on was above reproach.
And then the damned girl had shown up again! And he didn't care if it had been he himself who had technically 'shown up'. The point was she was here and he did not want her to be.
It just got worse. Presumably she was staying with Edward as opposed to in her own family's townhouse. That meant he could either avoid Edward like the plague or stop reacting to her every time he set eyes on her.
Tom realised that he'd been silent far too long and Edward was bound to be growing steadily more suspicious. Or steadily more fond of the idea of shooting him. Edward already knew far too much about Tom's heartbreak — the hopes he'd had for a life with Caroline and how they'd been crushed by her rejection. He did not want to appear so vulnerable again.
So with herculean effort, he turned a nonchalant smile on his cousin.
"Nothing so dramatic, cousin. I asked, the lady said no. There really is nothing more to it."
Edward's raised eyebrow was proof enough that he did not believe Tom's assurances.
Not that Tom blamed him, since he didn't believe them himself.
But he could not explain to Edward what he really felt, since he wasn't sure himself.
Edward stayed silent for a few moments then with a look of resignation he moved away from the window and back behind his imposing desk.
"Well, I'm glad to hear it. God knows I'll have enough to deal with without worrying about you too."
"Glad to hear I concern you so," answered Tom dryly. "So what has you up in the boughs then?"
"The same thing as you, I'd warrant. Though I'm man enough to admit it. Caroline."
Tom chose to ignore the jibe.
"And why should you be concerned about Caroline?"
"Is it not obvious? She's staying with me. Her father and brother are both absent from Town. That makes me responsible for her. That means I shall have to put up with the parade of dandies she's sure to bring to my door."
Tom would have laughed at Edward's expression of disgust were he not concentrating all his efforts on not smashing something in a fit of jealousy.
"You think you will have many pups hanging around?" he asked as casually as he could manage.
"You think I won't?" came Edward's reply. "You must have noticed the stir she caused last night and it was our first outing of the Season. She is by far and away the most beautiful debutante on the scene. Her dowry is not to be sniffed at. And her sister is a duchess. My duchess," he added with a look that made Tom want to cast up his accounts.
"Well I wouldn't worry overly much. She's never been exactly inclined toward marriage has she?"
"Maybe not up until now. But it seems my dear sister-in-law is on the hunt for a husband. Which means I shall have to keep the gun cabinet well stocked."
Tom knew he had made some sort of non-committal response. But he could no longer concentrate on the conversation. His mind was fully occupied with the knowledge that Caroline was looking for a husband. And wondering why it bothered him so much.
CHAPTER SIX
CAROLINE PLACED A steadying hand to her stomach as their carriage trundled toward the blazing lights of the Hadley Townhouse.
Viscount Hadley had been most insistent that she attend when he personally delivered the invitation some days ago. She had readily accepted. Tonight would be the first night she would see Tom since he had been unspeakably rude four days prior.
Edward had come back to the breakfast room shortly after he'd marched Tom out of it and had returned alone. He did not say where Tom had gone and Caroline did not ask. Rebecca of course had badgered Edward relentlessly about what had transpired between the cousins, but Edward had refused to be drawn and in the end had quieted her with a kiss that had made Caroline leave the room.
Caroline had been so furious with Tom and what he had implied about her. The fact that he had every right to be angry with her no longer mattered. She despised the person he had become. That coupled with her guilty feelings of being responsible for him becoming such a person did little to help Caroline's peace of mind.
Her emotions had been in such upheaval since she'd first met his deep blue gaze across the crowded room. But enough was enough.
Caroline had first determined that her plans for fun and a little scandal would all be for nought in the face of Tom's return. But his treatment of her since had made her even more firm in her plans to get out into the world and live a little.
His quip about a staid and sensible husband had stung. Mostly because of the truth of it. Well, that may be so, but she was not married yet! And she would show Tom Crawdon that she knew how to be risqué, daring, and even how to be a little scandalous. He may have changed. But so had she.
"Here we are."
Edward's deep voice cut through Caroline's inner monologue and she gave him a grateful smile as he handed her out of the carriage.
Rebecca clutched her arm and leaned in to whisper, "Are you nervous, Caro?"
Rebecca was aware of Caroline's fresh determination to enjoy herself thoroughly and, naturally, thought it was marvellous.
"Not at all," answered Caroline breezily, "why on earth should I be?"
"Well—" Rebecca hesitated a little— "it's just that the last time you decided to live a little you had fisticuffs with Viscount Hadley."
Caroline rolled her eyes. "I certainly did not have 'fisticuffs' with him, Rebecca. Honestly, your exaggerations could get someone hanged."
Rebecca merely grinned and shrugged her shoulders.
"Speak of the devil," Rebecca said in low undertones, nodding her head toward the figure of Viscount Hadley barrelling his way through the crowd gathered in the elaborate hallway.
Caroline didn't swear. Ever. But how tempting it seemed in that moment.
"My lady." Hadley was clearly out of breath. But then, given that his cravat was tied to within an inch of its life, it was no surprise.
"Viscount Hadley, a pleasure." Caroline was all politeness as usual. But she was finding the man's persistence a little wearing. And this was only the start of the Season.
"You are an enchantress, Lady Caroline. If I may be so bold?" the young buck responded with a practised flourish.
"No, you may not." Edward's curt response made the young man's cheeks burn scarlet. But he rallied regrettably quickly.
"Come, I shall introduce you to my parents," he said now taking Caroline's arm and dragging her away.
For heaven's sake! How would she get anything improper done with him following her around all evening, acting as though they were somehow attached to each other?
Inside, Caroline was impatient to get away but outwardly she made polite chitchat with the earl and countess and their young daughter, answered polite questions about her own family, said her polite goodbyes, and politely accepted Hadley's offer to escort her to the ballroom. She was entirely fed up with being polite.
Thankfully, once inside she managed to lose him by requesting a glass of punch then running away.
Caroline's eyes took in several acquaintances but none that she particularly wished to speak to.
She scanned the room for Rebecca and Edward and spotted them perilously close to where Hadley was frowning over the selection of punches. Well, good. It would keep him occupied for some moments with any luck.
Caroline took the opportunity of her time alone to take in her surroundings more fully. The room was packed with people and was still filling up. Lord Hadley was certainly sparing no expense. Expense, it was said, he could ill afford.
The nastier of the ton gossips were quick to point out that the young Lady Theodora, the earl’s daughter, had been out for three Seasons now and had received no offers. So the earl would practically bankrupt himself this year if it meant he could be rid of her.
Caroline did not know the young lady well. But Theodora had seemed unple
asantly like her brother. She shared her brother's good looks but where the viscount's smile was rather slimy and never really reached his eyes, Theodora's was calculating and cold.
Caroline suspected she would not like the other young lady but knew that they would not be close in any case. For getting close to Lady Theodora meant getting close to her brother and there was no way Caroline was volunteering for that!
She continued to take in the sights and sounds surrounding her when her skin prickled and she knew, without having spotted him yet, that Tom was here. And he was close.
Her eyes darted about until she saw him, off to her right and making his way toward her.
Caroline attempted to still her beating heart. After all, his intention could only be to upset or insult her. And hadn't she decided not to let him affect her anymore?
Tom came to a halt in front of Rebecca. And Caroline, rather than show how nervous she was, raised a questioning eyebrow and waited.
She could have sworn his mouth quirked in amusement before he schooled his features and executed a perfectly polite bow.
"Good evening, Lady Caroline."
What was he up to?
"Good evening, Mr. Crawdon," she answered and waited again.
"You look beautiful." Tom spoke again, this time rather hoarsely.
Caroline was so surprised that he'd offered her a compliment that she blurted out, "Do I?" before she could help it.
"You are surprised?" Tom asked. "Surely not. You have always been the most beautiful woman in the room, Caroline."
Caroline felt her breathing hitch at this murmured statement. She wasn't sure what to say to such a thing, especially in light of how he'd been treating her for the past week.
Tom looked as shocked as she felt at having spoken the words. He did not speak. But neither did he glance away.
Caroline was not sure what was happening and she was afraid to speak or move, lest she break the spell. It felt — it felt like it used to be.
They gazed at each other; Caroline's icy blue eyes warmed by the deepness of his own.
"Tom, I—"
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