by Archer, Kiki
“I find it best if I leave her.”
****
“How long you keep secret?” snapped Maddalena, crossing her arms and furrowing her brow. “You let no one have Alice but me. Good job Tony sick or I no see this… this… this Connie girl come take away my Alice.”
Maria tried to move her elderly aunt from behind the counter of the Shoreditch branch of Mariano’s. “The crew say they’re fine.”
“One manager in every store. I work here today. Where she take her?”
“It’s fine, I can cover this morning and they’ve got Gail coming in this afternoon.”
“I organise Gail and I organise me. We not need you. You go get Alice back.”
“No, they’ve just gone to the playgroup. I’m heading over there in a bit. We’ll be back for drinks afterwards. I can introduce you properly then.”
Maddalena’s brow softened slightly. “I officially meet?”
“Yes, she’s a good friend.”
“Friend friend or,” the elderly woman puckered up and kissed her fingertips, “innamorata friend?”
Maria smiled. “Maybe you could have Alice for one night this weekend so I could find out?”
“Sì, sì, sì, sì, sì!” Maddalena shuffled back to the counter and reached for a reserved sign, taking it to the best table and placing it with a bang. “I save this for you and the beautiful bella bella Connie.”
“We’ll be a couple of hours at least.”
“No, no, no, no, no. This saved. You let Aunt Maddalena spoil you when you return. And I take Alice whole weekend.”
“No—”
“Sì. Whole weekend.”
****
“Right, isn’t this lovely,” said Connie, relieved to have finally gathered all three children into the playgroup’s reading area and successfully coaxed Phoebe to join them.
“Big booby!” said Tabitha, scrunching up her nose and pointing straight across the piles of beanbags and books towards Earth Mother’s loose udder. Lucas popped off the nipple and turned around.
“Urgh!” continued Tabitha. “Big booby dripping!”
Crusty appeared at Earth Mother’s side with a hanky, trying to dab away the wet milk.
“Stop it,” hushed Earth Mother, turning her shoulder on the help, flustered by the intimate gesture.
Connie watched with interest, trying to catch Crusty’s eye and give a reassuring smile. She failed.
“Connie stare at big wet booby,” said Tabitha continuing her tell-tale-ing.
Phoebe wagged a finger at her daughter. “No. Ladies do not stare at other ladies’ boobies.”
“Daddy stare at boobies on iPad.”
“That’s different, Tabitha. Daddy’s a man.”
Connie coughed lightly and lowered her voice, unsure if Phoebe was joking. “Let’s all just agree that staring’s not good in any situation.”
“Especially when it’s women staring at other women’s boobies,” added Phoebe once more, relishing the opportunity to discipline her daughter who was sitting still for once in her life.
Connie turned her attention to Phoebe. “But men can?”
“Oh it’s in their nature isn’t it? You’re fighting a losing battle if you’re trying to teach Noah to look at the eyes.”
Connie knew it was now or never. Pin her down and flush her out. She might play the “poor me” card, but if homophobia was present then she deserved everything she got. She nodded to herself, pleased with her plan of attack.
“Well then, Alice and Tabitha should be free to stare away too.”
“Why in heaven’s name would they want to do that?”
“Some women marry women. The lady breastfeeding is married to the lady who’s hovering around behind her.”
Phoebe moved uncomfortably on her beanbag. “Really? Well they do say that same-sex parents delay child development and that boy’s clearly behind, still on the breast at that age. I don’t think that’s right.” Phoebe gasped. “And is that other child theirs too? That one with the bumper helmet? Does he have some sort of brain damage?”
“No. I don’t know. I don’t think so. I don’t know them that well.” Connie took hold of herself. This wasn’t going quite as she’d planned. “Right, who’s reading a book?” she said, desperately trying to get the task back on track.
Phoebe continued her assessment. “I know Tabitha’s no saint, but she doesn’t have issue issues.”
Connie paused. “I try really hard not to judge.”
“Be confident. On the whole I think we’re getting it right.” The woman smiled, overlooking the fact that her daughter was ripping out the hide-and-peep flaps in the latest Spot the Dog book.
Connie was unsure how she’d been grouped together in the Good Parent category just because she was apparently straight.
“Having the ability to produce children doesn’t automatically make you a perfect parent,” she said.
Phoebe ignored her point. “But I do think Tabitha’s too young to be exposed to relationships like that.”
Connie couldn’t let it lie. “And I don’t think anyone says same-sex marriage delays child development.”
“Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against people like that. Ryan seems lovely and my best friend used to be a,” she mouthed the word, “lesbian.”
“And she’s not anymore?”
“Not what?”
“A lesbian?”
Phoebe nodded. “Oh she probably is, but I don’t see her. She used one of those procedures to get herself pregnant. I couldn’t stand by and watch.”
“Maybe she wanted you to stand by and hold her hand?”
“Oh I couldn’t.” She glanced towards Earth Mother and Lucas. “And it looks like I did the right thing.”
“Can I read this to you?” asked Alice, shuffling up to their feet with a large wooden version of The Very Hungry Caterpillar.
“Of course you can, sweetheart,” said Connie, relieved for a break in the sermon. “Noah, Tabitha, pull up a bean bag. Let’s hear Alice reading.”
“Liss good at stories,” said Noah, nodding with pride.
Tabitha didn’t turn around.
The blonde-haired girl opened the book and started to read.
“She’s remembering!” screamed Tabitha, spinning herself into the circle.
Her mother wagged her finger once more. “It doesn’t matter if she is, we can still listen quietly.”
Alice continued her story, pointing at the words and using big biting actions whenever the caterpillar ate something.
“Remembering, remembering, remembering!” screamed Tabitha. “Playing caterpillar by myself!”
Phoebe sighed as her daughter stomped away. “I’m sorry, Alice, please carry on. Tabitha’s just having a funny five minutes.”
Connie nodded, encouraging Phoebe to re-engage. “Can you see how she’s pointing at the right words as she reads? It may well be remembering, but it’s a really great first step.”
“She’s definitely ahead. Let’s hope some of this rubs off on Tabitha. I think social engineering’s really important when it comes to your children. Make sure they have friends who’ll advance them.”
“So you approve of Alice?”
“Of course! She’s so well behaved and very polite. I saw her on the pedal-karts earlier. A real all-rounder. Your friend must be very proud. And Noah’s wonderful too. A real cutie. I appreciate this branch of friendship you’ve extended to me, Connie. It’s never happened before. I’m usually asked to leave each playgroup before I get the chance to meet people properly.”
Connie felt a momentary pang of guilt. Had it not been for Maria’s connection she would have steered well clear of exorcist girl and her head-down ignorant mother.
“JOSHHHHHHUA!” Top Dog was on her feet yelling into the centre of the room. “LET GO OF HER HAIR!”
Connie and Phoebe turned towards the action just as Ryan arrived at their station.
“SHE BIT ME!” screamed the little boy.
Ryan knelt beside Connie and hushed his voice. “Sorry, I saw it. Tabitha’s bitten him. I thought I’d better come over. You don’t want to get on the wrong side of Top Dog.”
“YOU KEEP PULLING THEN, MY SON!” shouted the mother with the slicked back hair and array of tattoos.
“MUMMY!” cried Tabitha.
“What do I do?” gasped Phoebe.
“You go over there!” Connie was now on her feet. “You tell him to let go.”
“It always ends like this, with a huge confrontation.”
“MUMMY, SHE BIT ME AGAIN!”
Top Dog was now scanning the perimeter. “WHOSE IS SHE? THE WILD GIRL. WHOSE IS SHE?”
“Hello, everyone. What have I missed?” Maria was standing in the middle of the bean bags, smiling at the gathering.
“Mummy!” giggled Alice, dropping her book and throwing herself into the outstretched arms.
Phoebe paled. “Maria?”
“Oh, hi Phoebe. What a nice surprise. It’s good to see you. Have you met Alice?”
“I… I…”
“And which one’s yours?” Maria looked to the clusters of children who were now all staring at the spectacle unfolding in the centre of the room.
“NO ONE WANTS HER? I DON’T BLAME YOU. FILTHY LITTLE ANIMAL BITING OTHER KIDS LIKE THAT.”
“It’s a phase,” cried Connie, racing to her rescue. “You were just pretending to be The Very Hungry Caterpillar, weren’t you?”
“I want my mummy,” sniffed Tabitha.
Phoebe got up from her beanbag. “I guess that one’s mine.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
“How dramatic,” giggled Ryan, sipping on his mocha.
“It’s not dramatic, it’s heart breaking,” corrected Connie.
Maria pushed the plate of pastries into the centre of the table and propped herself on her elbow. “I shouldn’t have encouraged you. I shouldn’t have suggested it at all.”
Ryan reached out to stroke her back. “Don’t worry about it. She says it happens at every playgroup she goes to.”
“But Phoebe’s my friend.”
“She was your friend,” corrected Connie, “until she got on her high horse about same-sex parenting.”
Maria sighed. “Weren’t you the same? Full of ideas about how you’d mother your child. What you’d be strict on. How great you’d be. It changes. You never know how you’re going to cope in each situation.”
Ryan sniffed. “Well she’s not coping now, is she? Don’t mind if I do,” he said, biting into one of the muffins.
“So we should help her,” said Connie and Maria at the same time.
“Oh darlings, look at you both.” He swallowed quickly. “Like two peas in a pod. But Connie, sweetheart, I know you. Be honest. Phoebe’s a knob.”
“Okay, she might be a knob, but only because of the strange things she says. She just doesn’t seem to have the awareness that she, of all people, shouldn’t be judging how others bring up their children. She’s naive. Maybe just misguided. Mis—”
“…understood,” added Maria.
“And you’re even finishing off each other’s sentences. How adorable.”
Maria ignored the teasing and lifted her mug. “She was one of those girls at school who thought she had lots of friends.” She took a breath and blew gently on the coffee. “When really she didn’t have any at all.”
Connie smiled. “Except for you.”
“I felt sorry for her,” said Maria, managing to take her first sip.
“I don’t think you should feel sorry for her anymore.” Connie paused. “I’m not sure she’s good for you.”
With an eyebrow raised Maria looked teasingly across the table. “And you are?”
Connie’s smile was huge. “Very.”
“Err, ladies, I am here!” gasped Ryan, leaning forward and trying to get back in the mix. “So, I hear you do massages, Maria?”
Maria gasped. “You told him?”
“No!” hushed Connie.
“There’s more to tell?” He was open mouthed. “You’re right, I can’t compete with that, but I am the professional masseur and Connie won’t find anyone better than me.”
“She’s better than you,” confessed Connie.
“Touché,” he gasped, laughing. “Maria, my darling, whatever it is that you’re doing to my friend, please keep on doing it. I’ve not seen her this happy in years.”
Connie tutted. “Yes you have, Ryan.”
“No, I haven’t.” He paused and looked at Maria. “But I’m worried you might have some competition. That little old lady’s been staring at Connie ever since we arrived. The one behind the counter. Doing your bit for help the aged, I see?”
Maria laughed. “That’s my aunt Maddalena. I’ve told her about Connie. She’s desperate for an introduction, and she’s desperate to impress, hence the reason why this table was reserved and laden with cakes and pastries. Let me go and get her so I can introduce you properly.” She made her way to the counter and leaned over to speak to her aunt.
Ryan hushed his voice. “She’s told her aunt about you? What’s she told her? Introductions to the family, Connie? This is moving so fast!”
“Stop it. She saw me picking Alice up this morning. That’s all.”
“And the rest,” gasped Ryan. “This chemistry is electric!”
“No, you’re just on a high from the drama of playgroup.”
“I’m not! There’s a real energy between you. It’s sparky. We’re all sparky. I think she likes me as well.”
Connie smiled. “Of course she likes you. You’re my best friend.”
“And she’s your soon to be lover. Unless that’s happened already, missy?”
“No!” Connie smiled. “The children were there.”
“People with children do still have sex you know.”
“We might not even—”
“Oh don’t you dare start with the I don’t know where this is heading card. You two are on a collision course with passion.”
“Stop it.”
“No, I’m your best friend. I’m allowed.” He smiled. “Karl’s having Noah this weekend isn’t he?”
“Yes, why?”
Ryan lifted his fingers to his bald head and stuck out his elbows bursting into his best version of Dirty Dancing’s Hungry Eyes.
“Stop, they’re coming, and she’s old and Italian so lay off the campness.”
“God no, darling. Italians love the gays. Hello, Maddalena,” he said, jumping out of his seat and kissing the little woman on both cheeks. “We’ve heard so much about you.”
Connie stood up to join them. “Hi, I’m Connie.”
Maddalena ignored Ryan completely, choosing to throw her arms around Connie’s waist instead. “Bella, bella bella. I watch from counter. Maria smiling. You make Maria be smiling.”
“Aunt Maddalena, this is Connie.”
“We already meet. Bella, bella bella.”
“And this is Ryan, Connie’s best friend.”
Maddalena turned around. “Pastries are good, no? I see you eating from counter. You like my spread. Buono. This need to grow.” She stepped forwards and hit him in the gut. “Too skinny.”
“Aunt Maddalena!”
“It’s fine,” said Ryan, bending down and sparring like a boxer, “your aunt’s a feisty one. I like feisty Italian women, especially ones who feed me up.”
Maddalena nodded. “I like him too.” She turned back to Connie. “Your son good boy. He play lovely in playpen. I watch from counter. I take him this weekend? Like Alice?”
Maria coughed. “Connie and I haven’t really spoken about the weekend yet.”
Ryan cut in. “Noah’s father’s got him this weekend, so Connie’s a free agent.”
“Ahhh, Maria too. Perfetto, perfetto, perfetto.”
Maria took her aunt’s shoulders and moved her to the playpen. “Let me introduce you to Noah.”
Connie and Ryan watched the little old lady reach over the white pic
ket fence and ruffle Noah’s hair into a frenzy. “Connie, darling,” he whispered, “we need to go shopping.”
“For what?” she asked.
“For sex.”
“What?”
“It’s happening. This weekend. The sex. And it’s my duty, as your very best also-gay friend, to get you prepared.”
“No.”
“You’ll need—”
“No.”
“But if she’s—”
“No.”
“Not even—”
“No.”
Ryan picked up another muffin. “She might want—”
“No, and you can’t call me gay.” She lifted her drink and took a long sip, finally letting her smile show around the sides of her mug. “You really think there’s chemistry?”
“Darling, fine, ignore the labels, but you can’t ignore what you feel when you’re with her. Or what you feel when you’re about to be with her. I can see it. It’s bursting out of you, and I’ve always known it was in you.”
“I’ll admit I might get a little bit excited, but that’s just because I can feel my life coming back to me. Noah’s easier now. I’ve got more free time.”
“Bollocks. You get excited because of her. Because you’re into her. Tell me then, when you’re not with her… and you’re not due to be with her… what are you thinking about?”
Connie scrunched up her eyes and smiled. “The times I have been with her and the times I might be with her again.”
“This isn’t a friendship, Connie. This is something much much deeper.”
“I know.” She looked towards the playpen at Maria who was sitting with both children on her knee, talked into reading a story. “She’s just perfect.”
“Connie!” The gush was false. “I thought it was you.”
Connie looked up at the big tits and big teeth. “Louise!”
“How are you?”
“Good thank you. You?”
“How are you holding up?”
Connie watched the dark ponytail swinging from side to side, sure that the look of concern was entirely bogus. “Great thanks. Have you met Ryan?”
“Maybe briefly. At a Christmas party. I think he raced in and—”