by Alicia Rades
Juliet, on the other hand, is in charge of getting everything set up at the gallery, but she’s aiding a bit in the marketing, letting people know that there is going to be a special surprise but working extra hard to keep Jacob out of the loop. As Juliet tells me, she’s doing a great job hiding the secret from Jacob.
I actually manage to relax for what seems like the first time in weeks. I get plenty done for my clients while truly enjoying my yoga sessions once again. I don’t even get stuck in child’s pose this week, and I praise myself for that. Plus, I take Jasmine and Abby up on their offer for coffee and have a great time chatting with them. When Jasmine compliments me, I know my improvements are showing.
“Siobhan, you’re looking a hell of a lot better this week than you have been lately,” she says as we stand in line for coffee. “You’re all smiles.”
“Yeah,” Abby agrees. “You’re looking pretty hot today.”
Although I’m not super tight with these girls, I know that they’re telling the truth. When we sit down to drink our coffee, I open up to them and tell them about Jacob, letting them know what’s been bothering me the last few weeks. I tell them about the reception, hoping to get a few more people there.
“Oh my God,” Abby squeals, turning to Jasmine. “We have to go.” She looks back at me with bright eyes. “We will so be there!”
When I finally catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I realize how great I look now. I completely understand what Jasmine and Abby were talking about. My expression isn’t full of anger anymore, and my face isn’t blotchy. I don’t even turn away from my reflection.
As the week wears on, I begin to realize that I feel like an entirely different person. Jacob was right to make me think things over. I fully understand what he means now for doing this for my own sake. Now that I have things figured out, he’ll have to take me back.
The thought makes a home in my mind, and I don’t imagine any other outcome to the situation than his embrace and soft, warming kiss. If he does really like me like he’s said, I won’t have any problem gaining his forgiveness and winning him back.
When Friday night arrives, I become extremely nervous. Yes, I am going through with this, and I’ve had all week to think it through. I know I’m fully prepared for what’s to come. Part of me is excited, although the nerves mask that piece of me. Despite my anxiety, my self-confidence does not waver. Instead, I give myself pep-talks and compliment my courage. I feel great.
“You’re going to do great,” I tell myself in the mirror. “Just be yourself and speak the truth.” Before I turn away from the mirror, I tell myself one last thing. “Siobhan, you look beautiful,” I say, and I completely believe it.
I dress in the same red dress that I wore last weekend, the beautiful red one that shows off my back. I put extra effort into my appearance, placing my hair in the perfect curls atop my head. When I check myself out in the mirror, I look fabulous. There’s a smile across my face that shows my dimples, my eyes are bright, and I look happy. I realize that there are plenty of things about my body I’ve always hated that stare back at me in the mirror—my chicken arms, my freckles, my pouty bottom lip—but tonight I don’t care about those imperfections. I’m full of confidence. I hold my head up high in the mirror to confirm this.
Juliet and I arrive at the reception before it starts, and she hides me out in one of the back rooms so Jacob won’t spot me. I wonder if he has access to this room as an employee, but she assures me that he won’t come in here.
As people start arriving and begin entering the gallery, I take a quick peek out into the vast room, and I’m shocked by what I see. I’ve been to two opening receptions at this gallery before, and there weren’t very many people here at either one compared to this. Tonight, however, there are practically more people than the gallery can hold. I’m pretty sure this breaks the fire codes, but no one enforces this.
I’m silently thanking Twitter for helping me deliver a special promise to my followers, and I know I’ll be able to give it to them. I’m also thrilled that I have tons of followers from the surrounding area who were able to make it.
My nerves begin eating at me as the time approaches for me to make my appearance, but I do my best with my breathing exercises and pep-talks that I soothe my anxiety quite well before the moment arrives.
When it’s time, which seems to take quite a while as we wait for the bulk of the crowd to arrive—and people keep coming—Juliet heads up to the microphone and announces my presence. She looks beautiful and poised standing in front of all these people. What I would normally channel as jealousy for her beauty turns into a sense of admiration for her.
“Most of you are here tonight not to admire a piece of artwork, but to experience it.” The entire room goes silent. I can’t see Jacob in the crowd, but I know that he’s here. After all, he did help organize the exhibit.
“Tonight, we aren’t going to focus on these works of art on the wall, but rather, we’re going to concentrate on the intricate work of art that nature has designed for us. It’s not in a medium that we can see or touch. Love is displayed in a much more complicated manner. Tonight, I would like to welcome Siobhan Spencer to the stage to share the work of art that she’s put more blood, sweat, and tears into than any painting you see here tonight. Please welcome my very good friend, Siobhan Spencer.”
27
Juliet gestures to the back of the room where I emerge from my hiding spot. All eyes turn to look at me. The people are packed in here like sardines, but they somehow manage to part and make way for me. My hands are shaking nervously, but when I reach the stage and begin speaking into the microphone, my voice is surprisingly even.
I’ve prepared a speech, but none of it is coming back to me, so I begin to improvise.
“I’d like to start with a show of hands,” I begin, and my voice is full of self-assurance. “How many of you have heard the name Siobhan Spencer before?” More people than I expect raise their hands, although it’s far from the majority of the crowd. I know most of the people who have their hands up are my Twitter followers.
“Okay, so maybe you don’t all know my name. Let’s try a different show of hands. How many of you recognize me?” To my amazement, over half of the crowd raises their hands.
“Good, so most of you know who I am. For those of you who don’t, I’ll tell you.” I can tell the audience is intrigued. As my gaze travels around the room, I notice the film crews in the back, and I’m grateful that they’re here. I want my message to be heard everywhere.
“I was once an actress—a child actress. I starred in the movies Celina the Detective, Taking Reservations, and Beyond the Meadow.” A few voices rise within the crowd as more people realize who I am based on the movie titles.
“I’m going to admit it: acting screwed me up.” A uniform laugh spread across the room, and I’m glad people are finding this amusing.
“I used to think that acting didn’t hurt me in any way. I remember saying things like, ‘At least I’m not as bad as the other actors I grew up with.’ But now looking back on it closer, I almost believe that it screwed me over even worse than some of the other people my age.” I seem to feel everyone in the room lean forward toward the stage, and I know I’ve captured their attention.
I take a deep breath, preparing for my next confession. “No, I didn’t end up in rehab, but my experiences from this destroyed my ability to fall in love.” It takes a lot of courage for me to admit this, and I feel that this shows in my voice, but I’m still able to keep my tone even.
“I am not fearless as I previous thought.” I remember telling Jacob on our first date that I was fearless, but I’ve recently realized the falsehood in those words.
“People have judged me my entire life. First, they told me I was special, and then all of a sudden, I wasn’t. People called me ugly, a bad actress, and a spoiled child, even though I wasn’t any of those things. While deep down I knew that, I let these people get to me.”
Every
one in the room is watching me intently.
“But then it wasn’t the media judging me. Instead, my judgment came from my fellow classmates, my parents’ friends, and my teachers. The judgment went one of two ways. Either people wanted to be my friend because they thought I was special or had money, or they didn’t like me because they hated the movie I was in or thought I was spoiled rotten.”
I add a bit of passion to my voice, and I continue. “Nobody seemed to like me for who I really was, and because of this, I didn’t think that anyone could truly fall in love with me. I didn’t believe that I could love anyone back.”
As I admit this, I don’t find it quite as difficult as I thought it would be. It’s becoming increasingly simpler to say this, and immediately, it’s like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel triumphant, like I’ve defeated my inner antagonist. Take that, Bitch, I snarl in my mind at whatever force has been dragging me down. Just like that, the evil spirit that has been eating away at my soul for so long vanishes.
I finally find Jacob’s face in the crowd. He is shocked, his mouth open slightly, and he is unmoving as he stares up at me. He looks glorious, better than I remember, and I want him next to me immediately, but I take my time with my words, really trying to get my point across the best that I can.
“That is until a few weeks ago when I met the most amazing man.” My eyes lock upon him. The crowd follows my gaze to stare at Jacob. The people around him begin backing away until he’s alone in his space. He doesn’t even notice the crowd shift because he’s staring up at me, completely fixed on my eyes.
“I didn’t want to admit it to myself at the time—at least it was difficult—but I fell in love. However, when you take my past into account, it makes sense that this frightened me, and my God, did it ever!” People laugh again.
My eyes are still locked on Jacob’s, and I can’t tear my gaze away from him. His expression is fixed and difficult to read. Just smile or something, I beg in my head. I feel like my words are making an impact, but Jacob’s not letting his thoughts escape onto his face.
“I was so afraid of falling in love that I created delusions in my mind from simple facts that I didn’t process properly. I convinced myself that there was no way this man was right for me, and I didn’t listen to him when he tried to explain the truth. I took little details about his past and used them against him. I was so afraid of him judging me for my past that I turned around and did the exact same thing to him. I’m ashamed of myself for it.”
I hear a mummer spread throughout the crowd.
“So I stand here today, admitting that I really messed up. The Siobhan Spencer who was afraid to fall in love is a woman of the past, and I’m ready to move on.”
I stop talking to the crowd and instead focus my conversation solely at Jacob. “It wasn’t fair to you, Jacob. It just wasn’t fair. I’m standing here today in front of hundreds of people, even more when you consider the cameras, and I am professing my love to you. Jacob, from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry, and I hope beyond hope that you can forgive me.”
I’m scared now that I’m addressing him. For a moment, I think that he’s going to turn away and leave. Tears well up in my eyes, but I hold them back and don’t let them overflow.
“I’ve thought it over. I’ve thought it over hard, and I know what my issues are, but I’m ready to move past them.” I don’t care right now that I’m sharing my deepest feeling with this many people. I know it’s what I need for Jacob to really understand that I’ve changed.
“Jacob Bishop, I am desperately in love with you,” I confess to the nation, and with that, he takes a few steps forward. The crowd splits as he makes his way to the stage. I can’t read the expression on his face, but I think it’s a good one.
I’m full of joy now, but I’m taken aback when he doesn’t embrace me like I thought he would, like I had dreamed about all week. Instead, he makes his way past me to the microphone, and my heart sinks. Is he going to reject me in front of all these people? I’m suddenly scared. Was this not enough? What more can I do? I tremble for fear of his rejection.
No. He can’t say no! I just confessed my deepest feelings to hundreds of people. He can’t say no to that!
He grips the microphone. “I just want you all to know,” he says, and I can feel everyone in the room holding their breath. I know I am. He pauses for a moment, adding suspension to his speech. “That this is the woman of my dreams,” he finishes, pointing at me with a magnificent grin on his face.
With that, I let my breath out. All my nerves are replaced with fluttering joy. Jacob grips me tightly and swings me back into a dip and plants a long, hard kiss on my lips in front of everyone. I am glowing as fireworks go off in my stomach and the crowd cheers.
His lips pull away from mine, and he whispers in my ear, “I don’t blame you for the way you are. I forgive you. I’m just glad you listened and gave me a second chance.”
“Thank you for giving me a second chance,” I whisper back.
Before pulling me up, he shares one last thought. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my sister. That must have looked really bad.” I giggle, but I’m mostly laughing at myself for being so naïve.
We stand up straight, and the crowd gives us a thunderous round of applause. We embrace on stage.
28
Jacob and I make our way off the stage holding hands, and people stop to congratulate us.
“What a touching work of art,” one man says while another woman touches me on the shoulder, tears in her eyes, and says, “That was beautiful.”
I guide Jacob over to Juliet so that I can thank her for all the hard work she put into this. Danielle Watson, the gallery owner, who is a thin, older woman with long grey hair, is talking to Juliet.
“I am very pleased the way you handled this, Juliet. Look at all the exposure we got tonight,” Danielle is saying, gesturing to the crowd around her with full excitement in her eyes.
When she leaves, I embrace Juliet. She’s grinning at me. “Thank you for everything you’ve done for us,” I say. “I’m . . . really sorry about the way I acted. I was a real bitch.”
She presses her mouth off to the side, wrinkling her nose. “Yeah, you kind of were,” she admits, but I’m not bothered by it. That’s Juliet for you.
Juliet and Jacob embrace as well, my hand still connected to his. “Yes, Juliet, thank you for everything.”
“Didn’t I tell you two you’d make a perfect couple?” she boasts again about her brilliant pair, and we both roll her eyes at her. “I’ll see you two kids around,” she says as she heads off to tend to other guests.
Once she’s gone, I turn to Jacob. “Jacob, I am so sorry,” I apologize again.
“Don’t be, Siobhan,” he tells me as he smiles down at me. “I can see where you’re coming from.” He grabs onto a piece of my hair hanging by my face and tucks it behind my ear. “I can imagine that love is hard for you, and I want to be there to get you through it.” My God, I could not have fallen in love with a better man.
“Why are you so understanding and nice?” I wonder out loud. “I mean, I really acted like a bitch. I just don’t get it.”
“Siobhan,” he says, as if the answer is staring me straight in the face. “I knew you were the girl for me when you walked into Michelle’s.”
He places his hand in my hair to soothe me. He believes in love at first sight? I’m not sure if I do. I wouldn’t say that I fell for him instantly.
“But I knew more than that. I saw how timid and unsure of yourself you were, and I knew you needed some help. I wanted to help you.”
I recall the way I stared down at my hands in the restaurant, unwilling to meet his eyes, and the way he pulled up my chin and charmed me, but I didn’t realize I was being as timid and self-conscious as he says. Did it show through that badly? I thought I hid it well. This must have been exactly what he meant by “for your own sake.”
I reach up and wrap my arms around his neck and
plant a kiss on his lips. With full sincerity, I thank him.
“You know,” I say, “I’ve been really curious about something. How come you didn’t know who I was? Didn’t you have a TV?”
He shrugs. “I just didn’t watch a lot of television.” He says it so simply. “I was the kid who drew pictures and made finger paintings for entertainment. I didn’t care for TV, and I still don’t really. The visual arts—photographs, paintings, sculptures—they interest me much more.”
I still don’t quite understand because I know the movies I starred in were big. He must have heard of them, but I do not push the issue because I don’t care about that anymore. Right now, all I care about is the fact that I am in love with this man. I’m captivated by his eyes, addicted to his touch, and in love with the things he shares with me, like the Ferris wheel ride.
“Oh, I have something to show you,” I remember, and I pull my phone from the small black handbag I’m carrying and flip through it. Once I find what I’m looking for, I turn the screen toward him. It’s the photo that I took of the Ferris wheel when it had its lights on. “I used the tips you gave me.”
He stares at the photo. “This is beautiful,” he says, and then my phone begins vibrating in his hand. Seeing that I have an incoming call, he hands the phone back to me. It’s my sister.
“Hello,” I answer.
“Hi,” she squeals. “I just wanted you to know that we set an official date for the wedding. We’re getting married on December 19th.”
“That’s great!” I’m once again happy for Mackenzie, and no thoughts of jealousy rage through me.
I look up at Jacob and mouth the words, My sister’s getting married. He nods his head understandingly.
After a moment, I ask, “Hey, Mackenzie, will I be able to bring a date to your wedding?”
“Of course,” she squeaks as Jacob’s eyes widen. “Are you saying you have a boyfriend?” she teases.