by Kate Hardy
Snowflakes.
The Sugar Plum Fairy.
The music he knew so well echoed in his head.
‘Hestia,’ he whispered. ‘Right now I’m lost. I’m lonely. I miss you. I’ve found someone I can be happy with, and I know you’d be furious with me for being such an idiot right now and letting all that slip through my fingers.’
She didn’t answer. Of course not. She couldn’t. He knew that. But the music still echoed in his head, as if Hestia was pirouetting through his memories. Meeting her. Falling in love with her. Going to watch her on stage, being spellbound by her grace and the way she could bring a story to life through movement alone. Their wedding day. Learning that they were expecting Giselle. Discovering their baby was a girl. Feeling her kick inside Hestia’s stomach, watching his wife bloom with their much-wanted baby.
And then the blackness. The loneliness. The way the world just didn’t feel right, whatever he did. The walls climbing higher and higher around him.
And then a tall, smiling woman with sea-green eyes chipping away at the mortar and letting the light through the cracks. Tiny ones at first, growing bigger and bigger. Showing him the joy.
All he had to do was reach out for it. Say yes.
And then he heard it.
The song he always tried so hard to avoid at this time of year.
Before he realised what he was doing, he found himself walking into the square at Somerset House, watching the skaters on the rink. Holding hands, some of them nervously keeping to the edge and some of them showing off more fancy moves.
All he wanted for Christmas...
...was Anna.
The song felt as if Hestia was giving him a hard shove and telling him to move on. To listen to the music. To think about what he really wanted.
‘I’ll always love you, Hes,’ he whispered. And hadn’t Anna herself said that he’d always have room in his heart for Hestia because he’d loved her and she was part of him? Warm, generous, lovely Anna—who really didn’t deserve to be treated the way he’d treated her. He’d been as selfish as her ex.
‘But it’s time for me to move on, Hes. You’re right. I can’t spend the rest of my life in limbo. I want to move on with Anna. I think we could be happy together.’ If it wasn’t too late. ‘You’d like her, Hes. A lot. She’s got the same warmth and sweetness that you had, except she isn’t you and I don’t expect her to be.’ He took a deep breath. ‘And I’ve really messed this up. I don’t know how to even begin fixing this. I’ve hurt her and it wasn’t fair of me to walk away without explaining.’
The song’s words flitted into his head, talking about wishes coming true.
He knew what he wished. That he could move on with Anna. Be with her for Christmas and for always.
Would she let him explain? Would she give him a second chance, even though he’d been so unfair to her?
He glanced at his watch.
Would Anna have stayed to watch the show without him, or would she have gone home?
If he called her, either it would either go to voicemail—telling him that she was still at the Opera House and he had enough time to get back to Covent Garden before the show ended—or she’d be at home and answer.
He hoped.
He grabbed his phone and pressed her number. For a moment, he thought it wasn’t going to connect, and then his call went to voicemail.
Please let that mean she was still in the centre of London with her phone switched off, rather than that she was at home and was ignoring his call.
But it would be very easy to miss someone coming out of the Royal Opera House in a crowd. He typed quickly.
I’m sorry. We need to talk. Please will you wait for me by the mistletoe chandelier in the middle of Covent Garden Market?
Please let him not have messed this up too much. Please let her give him a chance.
Crossing his fingers mentally, he sent the text and hurried back to Covent Garden, where he waited by the enormous mistletoe chandelier.
It would serve him right if she left him to wait there. Because he really, really hadn’t been fair to Anna. He’d let his past get in the way. It was time to move on, and he wanted to move on now—with her.
He sat on the bench and waited.
And waited.
And waited, while the snow drifted down and started to settle.
Eventually people started to stream past, some clutching programmes and chattering, telling him that the ballet must have ended.
Would Anna come to meet him? Would she let him apologise and explain? Or had he pushed her away for good?
He waited.
The crowds thinned.
He waited.
There was no sign of Anna.
He glanced at his watch. Maybe she was one of the last out; maybe she’d only just switched on her phone and seen his message; or maybe she wasn’t coming.
He’d give her another ten minutes.
Time seemed to have changed its speed; five seconds felt more like a minute.
Nine minutes later, he was starting to think that, yes, he was too late, so he should just give up and go home. Not that his flat was a real home; it was just somewhere to sleep and store his things.
And then Anna came and sat on the bench next to him. ‘Hi.’
His heart skipped a beat. She’d come to meet him. ‘Anna. I’m sorry. Thank you for coming here.’
‘I nearly didn’t,’ she admitted.
Because she had doubts about him?
As if he’d spoken the question aloud, she said, ‘I forgot to turn my phone on again after the show. But I was late out and ended up at the back of the queue for the lift in the Tube station, so I checked my phone while I was waiting. Your message came through just as I was about to walk into the lift.’
‘I’m really glad you came.’ He took a deep breath. ‘I’m sorry. I’ve been so unfair to you tonight. I’ve let my past get in the way.’
‘Uh-huh.’ Her voice was neutral and her face was expressionless.
All he could do was open his heart and tell her how he felt. And hope that it would be enough to make her give him a second chance.
‘I walked down by the river when I left you,’ he said. ‘And I was thinking about Hestia, and about you. You’ve made my world a different place, Anna. You’ve given me back something I thought I’d never have again.’ He took a deep breath. ‘And I won’t blame you if you don’t want anything to do with me now.
‘I should have told you about Hestia being a ballet teacher and dancing in The Nutcracker, and I should’ve thanked you for the opportunity to see the show and gone with you instead of throwing it back in your face and storming off. I’ve been an idiot. But I’ve had time to think about it and get my head around things, and I’m so sorry I hurt you.’ He took both her hands in his.
‘I know we haven’t known each other that long, but you make my world feel like a much better place. With you, I see the sunlight. You’ve taught me to move on—and I want to move on, I really do. More specifically, I want to move on with you.’ He looked at her. ‘I could hear the music from the ice rink. They played the song I find really difficult, and it made me think about what I wanted. For Christmas and for always. I want you, Anna. I love you. Will you marry me?’
* * *
Marry him?
Anna stared at Jamie, unable to process this. She thought she’d pushed him away—that he still wasn’t ready to move on and she’d hurt him by pushing him too far, too fast. He’d reacted by walking out on her. Would he do that again? Because she didn’t want to be in a relationship where she had to second-guess her partner’s feelings all the time, be careful what she did and said and tiptoe around certain subjects instead of being completely honest and open.
This wasn’t going to be an easy conversation, but she needed to know.
‘Ho
w do I know,’ she said, ‘that you won’t walk away from me the next time something reminds you of Hestia, of what you lost?’
‘You don’t,’ he said. ‘It’ll be a risk. But I’m asking you to trust me that I won’t make that mistake again. That instead of stomping off I’ll talk to you and we’ll get past whatever the problem is together.’
That was what she wanted, too: but she still wasn’t sure. ‘You lost your wife and your baby—and I can’t give you a baby. Not without complications, and there are no guarantees that IVF will work. How do I know that I’m enough for you as I am?’
‘You’re enough for me as you are,’ he said.
‘Maybe for now,’ she said, ‘but what about the future? What if you change your mind and decide that you want children?’
‘Honestly?’ He grimaced. ‘I’ll warn you in advance, this is going to sound terrible and I don’t mean it to be that way.’
‘Honesty,’ she said, ‘is the best thing right now. I need to know what’s going on in your head and you need to know what’s going on in mine. Pussyfooting around the subject isn’t going to work for either of us.’
‘OK.’ He took a deep breath. ‘I was looking forward to being a dad—but losing Hestia and Giselle has left me terrified at the idea of taking that risk again. And, yes, I know the statistics. But there’s still a chance it could happen again.’
‘So you don’t want children.’ And then the really nasty thought hit her. ‘I can’t have children, so that makes me a safe option.’
‘That did occur to me at one point,’ Jamie admitted, ‘and I know how selfish that is. But that’s only part of it. I love you, Anna Maskell, for who you are, and it’s got absolutely nothing to do with your fertility. And I know you said you’ve come to terms with not having children, but I’ve seen the way you are with the kids in your family. I know how family-orientated you are. I think you’d be an amazing mum—so if you want children, then I’ll do my utmost to damp down my fears and I’ll do whatever it takes to make our family happen. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I love you enough to take a risk that scares me spitless.’
‘IVF is a high-risk option,’ she reminded him. ‘And it might not even work.’
He nodded. ‘But if that’s what you want, we’ll try.’ He gave her a wry smile. ‘Though if we do try that option and we’re lucky enough for it to work, I’ll warn you now that you’re probably going to have to yell at me for wrapping you up in cotton wool throughout your entire pregnancy.’
‘And if the IVF doesn’t work?’ Would he walk away from her, the way Johnny had?
‘If it doesn’t work, I’ll stay right by your side, and we’ll get through the sadness together,’ he said. ‘IVF isn’t the only option. You mentioned that Jenna was a surrogate mum for her sister. We could maybe find a surrogate. Or adopt. Or foster. Or we can just enjoy being an uncle and aunt, and day to day it’ll be just the two of us. We have options, Anna.’
‘Can it really be that easy?’ she asked.
‘Yes, it can really be that easy,’ he said softly. ‘You told me you weren’t going to let your infertility define you. It’s not going to define us, either. Whether we have children or not, we can still make a family together. You and me. And George the gorgeous goldfish,’ he added with a smile.
‘How do you know I’m going to be enough for you?’ She hadn’t been enough for Johnny and, although she’d managed to put the pieces back together, she didn’t think she could do that a second time if Jamie walked away from her.
‘I know you’re going to be enough,’ he said, ‘because you’ve brought my world back into colour. You’ve chipped away at the walls around me and let the light come in. You’ve shown me that Christmas isn’t all about loss—it’s about celebrating what you have. Finding the happiness. Finding the joy.’
‘I dated Johnny for a year before we got married,’ she said. ‘I thought he was the one. We were married for five years. And it all went wrong. He walked away from me.’ She shook her head. ‘I’ve known you for just over a month, and you walked away from me tonight. How do I know this won’t go wrong in the future?’
‘You don’t,’ he said.
She flinched.
‘So it means taking a risk. All I can tell you is that you make me feel different. And I hope I can do that for you—teach you that not all men see the world the same way that Johnny did.’
‘We’ve only known each other for a few weeks,’ she said again.
‘It’s been long enough for me to know,’ he said. ‘But if you need more time, I’ll wait until you’re ready. Because you’re worth the wait. I love you, Anna. I want you to be happy. I want you to have everything you want in your life—and I hope that starts with me.’
He’d give her the time she needed. Be patient with her.
And she could see in his eyes that he meant it.
He loved her.
He wanted to be with her. He wanted her to want him.
They’d both been through dark times in the past. She’d lost most of her choices over having children and come out the other side of a fractured marriage, having to start her life all over again; and Jamie had buried his wife and baby.
This was their second chance at happiness. Together.
She could walk away from him now, just as he’d walked away from her earlier this evening.
Or she could see past the hurt, understand why he’d had a wobble, take his hand and step forward to their future.
OK, they hadn’t known each other for very long. But they’d worked together, and she liked the way he treated his patients, their parents and his colleagues. They’d spent as much time together as if they’d been dating for several months. And in that short time he’d taught her that she was worth so much more than Johnny had thought. He’d given her her confidence back. They were compatible inside work and outside it, too.
The future wasn’t necessarily going to be smooth. But they could support each other through the wobbles, talk things over when they hit a sticky patch. Be honest with each other.
So did she take the risk of telling him how she felt about him and agree to marry him, or should she stay on her own, the way she’d planned?
She looked at him, and the love in his eyes decided her.
‘I love you, too,’ she said. ‘It scares me, because I’d been so determined not to take a risk on anyone ever again. But you’ve had a tough time, too. And if you’re brave enough to take the risk with me, then I’ll be brave enough to take the risk with you. So, yes, Jamie, I’ll marry you.’
‘Good.’ He kissed her under the mistletoe. ‘And we’ll seal another deal, too. You’ve shown me the joy of Christmas. So I’ll gladly wear Santa’s red suit on Christmas Day and walk through the ward with a sack of presents, saying, “Ho-ho-ho.”’ He grinned. ‘Or I could walk backwards, saying, “Oh-oh-oh...”’
She laughed, and kissed him back. ‘That’s a deal.’
CHAPTER ELEVEN
ON CHRISTMAS DAY Anna drew the blinds in Jamie’s office and locked the door, then helped him get into the red suit and beard that Robert had left for them.
‘You’re sure I look the part?’ he asked.
‘You need a touch more padding, I think,’ Anna said. She added another pillow underneath his top, then stood back and eyed him critically. ‘Yup, that’s it. Perfect.’
‘If you’d told me a month ago that I’d be doing this, I would never have believed you,’ he said.
‘I asked you to do it six weeks ago, and you said no,’ she reminded him. ‘I’m glad you changed your mind.’
‘I see things very differently now,’ he said quietly. ‘I have you to thank for putting the sunshine back in my life. And now we’re going to put a little bit of sunshine into the children’s lives. I still think you should’ve dressed up as an elf.’
‘No, because there are child
ren in the ward who would recognise me. And it makes sense to them that Dr Anna will have a special guest on her ward round.’
‘Let’s do it,’ he said, lifting up the sack marked ‘Presents’. ‘So each bay has its own bag?’
‘And every present is named. We’ve taken turns sorting it over the last week,’ she said. ‘Teddies for the babies, art stuff for the under-sevens, and age-appropriate books for the over-sevens. A big high-five to the Friends of Muswell Hill Memorial Hospital for raising the funds and buying the presents.’
‘Definitely.’
She unlocked the door and led him out.
‘Good morning, everyone,’ she said to the children in her first bay. ‘I have a special visitor to the ward today.’
‘Ho-ho-ho. Merry Christmas, everyone,’ Jamie said, waving from the doorway. ‘Dr Anna, Nurse Sajana and Nurse Keely have agreed to help me give everyone a present.’
‘Merry Christmas, Santa!’ a little girl called from the corner.
‘Merry Christmas!’ Jamie called back.
Between them, Anna, Sajana and Keely made sure the right presents went to the right children. Jamie blew everyone kisses, then moved on to the next bay, until every child had a present from Father Christmas.
There were gluten-free mince pies, a big tub of chocolates, mini festive cupcakes, a big tray of cheese straws and a dish of tortilla chips with salsa on the nurses’ station in the centre of the department, and as they went through the bays Anna encouraged all the visitors to help themselves.
Anna had brought in her acoustic guitar, and between them she, Keely and Sajana got all the children to join in singing ‘Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer’ and ‘Frosty the Snowman’, as well as teaching them all the song about robins that Jamie recognised from the school concert she’d taken him to.
Keely’s voice was amazing, and Jamie remembered Anna telling him that Keely sang in the hospital’s house band, Maybe Baby; she was easily good enough to be professional. Maybe, he thought, the band might sing at his and Anna’s wedding next year.