"You're not a good liar, Shawna. Tell me the truth. Were you out with someone else?"
The volume of his voice was rising steadily, and Shawna was taken aback. Ben had never been confrontational before now — at least, not that she'd noticed. Maybe now that her world was crumbling before her eyes, she was seeing a side to him she'd previously cast a blind eye to.
"I went to the gym, and someone who lives in the building drove me home afterward because he was concerned for my safety. That's all. Why are you getting so snappy with me?"
All she wanted to do was take a good shower and crawl into bed, but Ben wasn't going to let her. The way his shoulders tensed and broadened, and how his posture straightened to lend him more height told her that he was gearing for a fight. Shawna wasn't going to have it.
"I wouldn't have to get snappy with you if you didn't lie to me. I thought I could trust you after all this time, but I guess I was wrong. What have you been doing all this time when you say you've been going to the gym? Have you been seeing someone behind my back?"
Shawna set her lips and gave him a hard look.
"I don't believe how after all these years, you're treating me like I'm a criminal. I thought I knew you better than that, Ben. I'm done with his conversation unless you're going to treat me with the respect I deserve."
"Respect? I should respect you after you admitted to lying to me? And about another man, no less?"
No. Shawna wasn't going to take it. With a shake of her head, she steeled her soul and separated herself from her anger and her hurt. Ben was showing a side of himself she found unacceptable, and compounded with their unfulfilled lifestyle and relationship, Shawna wasn't willing to try to work him through it. She'd been careful to communicate her needs with him, and he had never listened. If he wanted to save this relationship, he was going to have to step up.
"Ben," Shawna locked the door behind her and took off her heels. The relief was instant, and helped her keep her cool, "I am going to shower, and then I'm going to go to bed. If you cool off and come to your senses, you can join me. If not, I'm not interested in sharing my bed with you until we can have a calm, logical conversation about this mess."
"Your mess."
It was enough. Shawna bit into her bottom lip to stop from lashing out, cut past him, and locked herself in the bathroom.
That fight was the first of many that night. Ben's head was still in the sand, and hers had been pulled free — it was foolish to think there would ever be peace, now that Shawna knew what life had to offer her.
Part Two
Where do you see yourself in five years? Once, Shawna had an answer for that. She'd had plans and ambitions, goals and dreams. Now she knew that all of it had been a fantasy.
There was nothing left in the small apartment she'd shared for years with Ben. He'd already found a tiny room a few buildings over he could afford on his own, and Shawna... Well, she hadn't got that far yet. Her mother had told her that the simplest lives were sometimes the most fulfilling, and she hoped that was true now.
Her knuckles rapped against the door across from her apartment with firm insistence. There was a pause, then the door opened.
Clark stood there in nothing more than his boxers. Since they last met he'd shaved, but the shadow of stubble remained along his jaw and lip. He rubbed at the corner of his eye as though he'd just woken up. Undressed, she could see the extent of his body. A firm, largely hairless chest and corded arms made her think that maybe he'd been hitting the gym in his spare time. The sight was breathtaking, and all Shawna could do for a long moment was stand there, staring.
"Ah, Shawna," he muttered, biting back a yawn. "What're you doing here?"
"I um," a hard swallow. She looked up to lose herself in his blue eyes. "I thought maybe it was time for me to roll with the punches and let whatever happens, happen."
All at once Clark seemed to wake up, and his eyes hardened as he considered her words.
"So you knocked on my door," he said slowly, "to let whatever happens, happen?"
"Yeah. Exactly," Shawna replied. "That's... Exactly what I..."
But as she spoke, Clark reached out and ran a hand tenderly along her arm. All semblance of language left Shawna's mind, and all she could do was step forward until their bodies were so close they were almost touching.
All this time she'd only been surviving, and Clark had taught her what it was like to really live. Ever since they'd parted ways, Shawna couldn't shake the thought of him. Kindhearted, gruff, dominant, and handsome, he was everything she'd hoped Ben would embody just a little bit more. That hadn't been in the cards. Clark was her solution, her salvation. After so long spent starved for excitement, he was her breath of fresh air. Maybe it was a mistake to get caught up in his world, but Shawna was through with playing it safe.
"You caught me by surprise, blondie," Clark uttered, leaning down to speak directly into her ear. The hot breath against her skin grounded her in the reality of the situation. She was here, seeking the help and kindness of a near stranger. A stranger she found she couldn't keep her mind from wandering back to, as though he was her beacon through the dark.
"Isn't surprise a big part of how you live your life?" she asked feebly, the whisper near warbling for how vulnerable she felt. His hand remained on her arm, his cheek almost flush with hers. Shawna could feel the heat rise from his body, and could smell the faint scent of tobacco that lingered on his skin. Before she'd met Clark, she'd never found smoking attractive. Now, the scent of his sins haunted her.
"Yeah," another heated whisper, "I guess you're right."
Clark drew away and looked her over, letting his hand drop from her shoulder to reach around her and draw the door closed. The latch clicked and locked, and he make a sweeping gesture to invite her inside.
"Come. Make yourself at home. Let's talk."
Without waiting for her to respond, Clark turned and wandered further into his apartment. The layout was identical to the unit she'd left behind, but the furnishing made the space radically different. An old, torn up pleather couch was pushed against the back wall, framed with an end table upon which was set an ash tray stacked so high with cigarettes that it had overflown. Ash and spent buds littered the surface of the table. A dusty old television sat on a stand across from the couch, but apart from that, the space was open. Hollow and unused. Vast, despite its miniscule size. Shawna remembered how he'd said he'd just moved in while talking to Mr. Muscles at the gym, and figured that what furniture he did own had been abandoned in the unit or found for cheap second hand.
Clark crossed the room and plopped unceremoniously on the couch. The frame groaned beneath his weight, and Shawna thought it might break. When no snapping of wood followed, she approached and settled beside him delicately. The couch was surprisingly plush, and she quickly found herself buried in its cushions.
"So," Clark said. He tucked an arm over the top of the couch and studied her, drinking her in. Even though he was the one nearly naked, he was getting more from looking at her than she was at him. "I'm guessing from the moving vans and all the furniture that's been coming out of your apartment that the man you spoke so fleetingly of before isn't in the picture anymore."
Brash. Crash. Unapologetic. Shawna took a moment to compose herself before nodding.
"You're right. He um. Well. The details aren't important. But he's gone now."
Clark nodded slowly, churning the words over in his head. After a long moment of consideration he clucked his tongue.
"Well, I'm about to be gone, too."
The words struck Shawna hard, and nausea rose from her stomach to the bottom of her throat. The split with Ben had been her choice, but she'd imagined herself bouncing back from the break up with Clark at her side. Was he going to leave her, too?
"Gone where?" she managed to ask.
"Canada. The road's callin', and I can't tell it no. I've never settled down in one place for long. When the month is done, I should have enough funds to take off for
a while. And when I start to go broke, I can set up temporary shop to work my way back. Easy as that."
It was now or never. Shawna had wanted to see the world, and although Canada wasn't high on the list of places she'd wanted to visit, it seemed the safest place to start.
"I'm coming with you."
The corners of Clark's mouth twitched up in amusement, and he hitched a brow as he leaned towards her, cocky and pleased with her determination.
"Are you, now?" he asked. "You getting your own bike then?"
If she was going to do this, she had to be determined. This was a new beginning, and Shawna wasn't going to let anything get in the way of her dreams. Not anymore. Clark was her springboard, and with his help she'd leap up to find her place amongst the stars. There would be no more waiting for a man to do it for her — she'd make all of her dreams come true.
"No. I'm riding with you."
Clark laughed and leaned back against the arm of the couch, shaking his head in mild disbelief. Even as he mocked her, he was handsome.
"Little blonde suburbs girl like yourself, scared of the restaurant down the street, wants to hit the road with a guy like me? I'm not going to stop you, blondie, but I'm not going to coddle you, either. You do this, I'm not turning around to bring you back home because you can't take it. This is my game, and I play by my own rules. You're welcome to play beside me, or strike off on your own, but you'll do so knowing that I'm not going to hold your pretty manicured hand the whole way."
"I understand," Shawna said. "I'm prepared. I can take care of myself. I just have to get out of here and live a little."
She'd already made the arrangements at the office to work remotely and at odd hours, and she wasn't going to back down now. Clark didn't have to worry about a thing.
"How much money you got?" he asked. The question came out of nowhere, but Shawna was learning to roll with the punches. He was asking her for a reason; she wouldn't lie.
"A few thousand disposable, and a considerable savings that I won't touch."
Clark whistled low and ran his tongue over his teeth, sucking in.
"Well. I said a month, but if you're going to be rolling with me and you have that kind of dough, what do you say about leaving this afternoon?"
This afternoon. Shawna's eyes widened, but she bit back the hesitations that longed to tumble from her lips. What ifs and buts and what abouts had held her back from her happiness in her relationship with Ben, and now it was time to start fresh. Avoiding reluctant behavior was the key to a brighter future, and if she ever wanted to improve herself, she had to start right away before she fell back into old habits.
"How many hours?"
"Four," Clark replied. "Gotta pack a bag, draw up a map and battle plan, and make a few phone calls. After that, I'm ready to burn rubber."
Fear and excitement sprung up inside of her, twin intensities that made her anticipate the adventure to come that much more. Four short hours and she'd be on the way to a new life — a new identity. Four hours and she'd be out of this town and on the road to the unknown with no obligations to hold her down or responsibilities to worry about. Shawna swallowed hard and nodded.
"Okay. Four hours. I'll pack and meet you back here. What kind of suitcase should I use?"
Clark's lips puckered, and then the dam broke and he burst out laughing.
"Suitcase? Really, blondie? God, it's going to be fun opening your eyes."
Shawna pursed her lips and scowled, but Clark wasn't interested in her embarrassment or discomfort. He wasn't the most sensitive man, but that was part of what she liked about him. A healthy bruising to the ego felt like a good way to grow as a person and become humble, and Shawna knew she had a lot of growing to do before she was to become the person she wanted to be. Life spent at Ben's side had stifled her — it was time to let go.
"Then what am I supposed to pack with?" Shawna demanded.
"You got a rucksack? A backpack? That's all I got space for. If you're going to be my passenger, you're going to make due."
"How long are we going for?" The thought that they might be gone for months at a time while she only had enough space for a couple of changes of clothes, not to mention lack of space for toiletries, had her momentarily panicked. How was she going to manage?
"Three weeks? Four? Maybe more. I never know. It depends on what I found out there, and how hungry I get for home." A shrug. Clark rose from the couch and gestured towards the door. "Now, if you're done pepperin' me with questions, you can get out and go pack. Meet me back here in four hours and we'll hit the road. If you're a no show, I'm not waiting for you."
He left her with few options, and out of all of them, all Shawna could do was nod. Already her mind had kicked it into overdrive as she tried to figure out how she could make the most out of a backpack. Maybe she could go out quickly and pick up one of those heavy duty backpacks people wore around Europe. If this was to be the start of her new life and new attitude, Shawna felt she'd get use out of such a thing again.
Shawna saw herself out, and as soon as the door closed behind her, she realized how much there was left to do. Four hours didn't seem like it was going to cut in. There wasn't going to be a moment to spare if she wanted to catch Clark before he left for good.
Bag purchased, then hastily stuffed with clothes, cosmetics, and toiletries, there was still her possessions to take care of. There was no way she'd be able to find a storage unit and move the rest of her belongings there with the time that she had left.
Instead of stress, Shawna called her mother.
"Hey there sweetheart," her mother chirped as she answered. "I was just out getting lunch. Are you on break at work?"
"No, mom, I—" Shawna hadn't told her anything. Not what had happened with Ben, not what had happened with Clark, and not about her plans to leave. Everything had eroded and reformed so quickly that she hadn't had the chance. "It's going to sound really crazy. Do you have a couple of minutes?"
Anticipating a drawn out conversation, Shawna slid down the wall of her nearly gutted apartment and settled on the floor. Docile and whimsical, her mother had always been a calm and collected individual, but Shawna was sure the news she had would rattle the woman at least a little.
"Yeah, of course. You sound stressed; what's happened?"
Shawna closed her eyes and let her head fall back so that it hit the wall behind her. It was time to spill her guts after holding everything back.
"It's about Ben," Shawna began. How could she come out and say it? After so long, everyone in the family had been sure it was only a matter of time before they were engaged. Ben had been to family functions and had always been kind to her parents. As much as she had lost him, so had they.
"Are you pregnant, Shawna?" her mother asked. There was a glimmer of hope in her voice, and Shawna pursed her lips and shook her head even though her mother couldn't see. The thought of being pregnant with Ben's child struck her as a curse rather than a blessing. A lifetime bound to a man who had no interest in anything she was passionate about sounded like torture.
"No, mom, I'm not pregnant. It's kind of the opposite. Ben and I aren't starting a new life together — we're ending an old one. We broke up two weeks ago."
"I'm sorry. Are you okay?" Genuine concern laced her mother's words, and they acted as a balm for Shawna's soul. Until then, she hadn't realized how torn up she really was. Whatever love she'd once felt for Ben had dulled with time, but the fact that she'd broken free from the familiarity of her life with him to forge out on her own was jarring.
"I've been okay. It's been good. He wasn't good for me. We didn't have the same goals, I guess, and we grew apart. I want excitement and travel, and he... Well. He's not so interested in that. He's already moved out and living on his own, and I bet that it won't be long before he uses his new single status for networking purposes." Shawna snorted, gazing up at the ceiling. It was one of the last times she would ever see it — the end of the month their lease was over, and she'd lose owners
hip of this place. The home she'd once shared with Ben would belong to someone else. "I guess I'm surprised he didn't already cheat on me in the name of networking. It seemed all he ever wanted to do was build himself as a brand and work. I couldn't take it anymore."
"I know that it doesn't help," her mother said, "but you're still young, sweetheart. Tons of people don't meet their true soul mate until their thirties, or even later. Don't let this breakup get you down."
It was so much like her mother to try to make the best out of a situation. Shawna chortled, lips curling into a smile. While the advice hurt, it also helped. Her mother's heart was in the right place.
"I'm not, I promise. I'm trying to do what's good for me right now, and... Well. I'm leaving the country for a little while."
A beat of silence passed between them as her mother digested the news.
"What?"
"I'm going to go to Canada and travel. I've always wanted to see the world, and Canada seems like a good, safe place to start for a beginner like me. And some things fell into my lap really last minute, so I'm going to be leaving in just a few hours. I need to ask you a favor."
Shawna ran a finger up and down the denim over her thighs, occupying herself with the sensation. If her mother said no, she didn't know what she was going to do.
"That's a lot all at once. Are you sure you're okay? This seems a little drastic for you. Usually you're so mellow and level headed."
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