He shook his head again. ‘I’d like to say he has a history of violence and was obsessed with her and had been heard threatening to kill any man who laid a finger on her, but from what I’ve picked up so far, there’s nothing about him that sounds even remotely helpful. He’s working abroad, but I’ll keep you posted if and when I hear anything to suggest he’s back here.’
‘Have you asked her about it?’
‘Not yet.’
‘If you could get me out of here, I could go and see her,’ I suggested.
The truth was, I was desperate to be let out, so I could arrange to go and see Dan. I was afraid he might believe the dreadful accusation that had been levelled against me, and I had to make sure he understood it was a terrible mistake. I was allowed to talk to my father-in-law on the phone, but Dan refused to speak to me.
‘He’s feeling very confused right now,’ Mark told me. ‘But he’s doing all right. You don’t have to worry about Dan.’
‘Is he eating?’
‘Oh yes, in fact he’s put on a bit of weight since he arrived. You know what Stella’s like in the kitchen.’
I did. But I also knew what my son was like, and I wasn’t sure I believed what Mark was telling me. The frustration of being locked up, unable to see my son, was like a physical ache.
I called my parents-in-law daily, but the news was always the same. Dan was coping, but he didn’t want to speak to me. After a few days, Mark suggested it might be best if I stopped calling.
‘It distresses Dan,’ he explained.
‘Please let me speak to him,’ I begged.
‘We feel that has to be his decision, and he’s not ready yet.’
‘Not ready? What do you mean, he’s not ready?’
‘I’m sorry, Julie, but we feel we need to protect him from any further upset.’
‘Protect him?’ I burst out, repeating his words stupidly. ‘Protect him from what? I’m his mother!’
But Mark remained adamant. There was nothing I could say to change his mind. In his place I would probably have done the same thing.
‘I’m sorry for you, Julie, really I am, but Dan is our priority. It’s best if you don’t call us again for a while.’
‘A while? What does that mean?’
‘Call back in a week and maybe he’ll be ready to speak to you then.’ Mark hesitated. ‘He’s seeing a counsellor and she agrees it’s best he has no contact with you for the time being, while he’s dealing with the trauma of what happened.’
Mark didn't accuse me of having murdered his son, but I knew what he must be thinking.
‘Mark, you know I didn’t do it. You know I would never do anything to hurt Paul. You can’t let a stranger dictate when I can speak to my own son.’ I stifled a sob. ‘Dan needs me. He can’t lose both his parents. It's too cruel.’
‘I’m sorry, Julie, but it’s for the best. Goodbye.’
If he was trying to punish me for killing his son, he couldn’t have found a better way of doing it. This was all Paul’s fault. When I thought of how he had ruined my life, and that of our son, I shook with rage. But I knew I had to keep my emotions in check if I was to have any hope of being given bail.
Another advantage of being moved to a remand prison was that I was allowed more frequent visitors, although so far Ackerman was the only person who had taken advantage of that.
‘You’ll have to leave this to me,’ he said. ‘You have to trust me.’
‘Yes, yes, I will leave it to you, and I do trust you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m very grateful to you.’
He interrupted me. ‘I’m on the clock.’
I guessed that meant he expected to be paid for his time, but there was nothing I could do about that as long as I was locked in a cell.
‘Until they let me out, I won’t have access to my bank account,’ I said. ‘But if you can get me out of here, I’ll pay you whatever you want.’
‘Your lawyer’s working on that.’
‘You know about him?’
‘Andrew? Yes. We’ve worked together before. He’s no pushover. But this is no time for chitchat about mutual acquaintances. We have a lot of ground to cover and very little time. You know I’m trying to track down Bella’s ex-boyfriend, but there’s more.’
Speaking in a low voice, he told me that he had uncovered some interesting evidence in the police records of my case.
‘How did you get to see the records?’
He shrugged. ‘It’s my job to find out information.’
The news he gave me was perplexing: the drug flunitrazepam had been mentioned in Paul’s toxicology report.
‘Fluni what?’
‘The street name is roofies,’ he replied. Seeing I still looked puzzled, he went on, ‘You may have heard it called Rohypnol.’
‘The date rape drug?’
‘That’s the one.’
‘Sorry, you’ve lost me. What’s that got to do with Paul? Are you saying he was drugged the night he was killed?’
‘You know that added to a drink the drug causes confusion, followed by unconsciousness, and then loss of memory?’
‘Yes.’
‘Evidence of this drug was found in your husband’s blood stream. Although it’s untraceable in the blood of a living person after just a few hours, it remains detectable where a victim dies shortly after the drug is administered. It's the breakdown product not the drug itself that remains, and that’s what was present in your husband’s body.’
I could hardly believe what I was hearing. ‘So, Paul was given Rohypnol on the night he was killed?’
Ackerman glanced around to check that no one else was listening to our conversation. ‘Exactly.’
I frowned. ‘But surely that proves I didn’t do it. Where would I get hold of Rohypnol?’
‘That's what the police are looking into. Obviously, it would tie up the case nicely for them if they found evidence you had acquired it, but it’s not necessary for them to come up with that proof, because Rohypnol’s not difficult to get hold of. Anyone can source it from a drug dealer, and it’s available online. So, I need you to tell me, did you get hold of Rohypnol with the intention of giving it to your husband?’
‘No!’
‘I thought not.’
‘How come you're convinced I’m innocent when no one else believes it?’He smiled. ‘No one else is paid to believe it.’
There were a lot more questions I wanted to ask him, but it was time for him to leave.
‘When will you come back?’ I asked as he stood up.
‘As soon as I have any more news for you.’
Watching him stride from the room, I wished I did have a brother like Ackerman. I wouldn’t have been left wondering whether I would ever see him again.
16
While Ackerman’s news hadn’t exactly improved my situation, my interviews with the police were even less encouraging. Detective Inspector James Morgan stared at me, scarcely blinking, his eyes cold. For all the warmth he evinced, he might as well have been the victim in one of the murders he investigated. The only sign of life about him was his quick intelligence, which made me feel under constant threat of slipping up and saying something that would later be held against me. I suppose he was only doing his job, but he was damn good at making me feel insecure.
‘So, your husband was dead when you woke up,’ he asked me, yet again.
‘Yes, that is no, I mean I don’t know.’ At my side I heard my lawyer stir, but he didn’t come to my rescue, so I ploughed on. ‘What I mean to say is, if he was already dead when I woke up, I didn’t notice, because I got up straight away to take my son to school.’
‘Your husband was lying in bed beside you, dead, and you didn’t notice?’ The inspector’s sceptical tone challenged my assertion.
‘My client has already answered that question,’ Andrew responded for me.
Without blinking, the inspector switched tack. ‘Your husband was killed one week after you discovered he was having an affa
ir.’
It was a statement, not a question, so I stayed silent. This was a dangerous game and I was only dimly aware of the rules. Every time I spoke I risked incriminating myself in some way.
‘You discovered his affair, and a week later you told your friends about it.’
I nodded.
‘For the purpose of the tape, the defendant is nodding.’
Without knowing exactly what Katie and Nina had told the police, I was on shaky ground. If either of them had said something that I denied, I might expose myself as a liar. I could almost hear Andrew warning me that a blunder like that wouldn’t help convince a jury to believe anything else I said. Staring into the inspector’s inscrutable grey eyes, I wracked my brains to recall what I had said to Katie and Nina the last time we were all together, but we were drinking that evening and my memory was hazy.
‘Honestly, I can’t remember what I told my friends,’ I admitted. ‘We were drinking a lot, and I don’t suppose they can recall much of what was said either. I wouldn’t imagine any statements they gave you would be reliable.’
The Deteceive Inspector nodded. ‘We only need one witness to remember what you said,’ he pointed out softly.
‘Anyone could be mistaken, especially after drinking so much,’ I insisted.
Without knowing what Katie or Nina had told the police, I had to be circumspect.
‘But if she’s prepared to swear to it under oath, I daresay it will go against you.’
The inspector gave a rare smile that barely reached his eyes. I remembered Andrew warning me never to allow my interrogators to rile me and I looked down at the table. But I could feel myself shaking.
‘Is there any point in harassing my client like this?’ Andrew intervened. ‘She has already told you she can’t remember what happened that night, and she can’t tell you what she can’t remember.’
‘Is that her defence?’ Morgan turned back to me. ‘Do you deny that you discovered your husband was unfaithful?’
I shook my head. ‘No, I’ve never denied that.’
‘And you told us you kept quiet about it so as not to upset your son.’
‘He was doing exams.’
‘So, you held back from challenging your husband about his affair, because you wanted to avoid a row? What was going through your mind at that point, I wonder? You discover your husband of twenty years is having an affair, and you say nothing and do nothing.’
‘I was going to confront him about it once Dan’s exams were finished.’
‘So, you were prepared to upset your son then?’
‘He was going to stay with his grandparents in Edinburgh as soon as his exams were over. It was arranged months ago. I thought that would be the ideal time to talk things over with Paul.’
‘Things?’
‘Yes. I was going to tell him I wanted a divorce.’
The Detective Inspector’s eyebrows rose slightly. I glanced at Andrew, but he was staring at the table and did nothing to help me.
‘Why would I want to stay married to a man who was cheating on me?’
‘So, you were angry? At the same time as you were still living together as man and wife, and he was having sex with another woman.’
I took my time thinking how to answer him.
‘Oh, come on, Julie, it’s not a difficult question. You must remember how you were feeling.’
‘I felt let down, and flat.’
‘Flat?’
‘Yes, flat. Empty. After nearly twenty years, it was hard to believe. I was sad, very sad, for Dan as much as for myself. But I wasn’t angry. If anything, I felt numb about the whole thing. Any romance between Paul and me had fizzled out a long time ago. I felt very sad that it was ending like that, but mainly I just felt... uninvolved.’ I looked directly at the inspector. ‘You can understand feeling emotionally detached from a situation, can’t you?’ I lowered my gaze. ‘Anyway, I decided quickly that we had to separate because, after a betrayal like that, I’d never be able to trust him again. And without trust, marriage becomes meaningless.’
‘For better or worse,’ the Detective Inspector said.
‘But only when forsaking all others,’ I replied, and he had the grace to smile.
‘No sooner had you discovered the affair, than your husband’s phone disappeared. Presumably you destroyed it? You did a good job of that, I must say. We haven't been able to find even a trace of it.’
I didn’t respond.
‘But no matter. We found Bella’s number on your new phone.’
‘Paul must have used it.’
‘After he was dead? Somehow I doubt it.’
I bit my lip, cursing my stupidity.
‘My client contacted her husband’s mistress to let her know her lover was dead,’ Andrew said. ‘She reasoned that Bella had no other way of discovering what had happened and she felt the other woman had a right to know he was dead.’
‘A right to know?’ The Detective Inspector picked up on the lawyer’s words. ‘Why would a betrayed wife think her husband’s mistress had any rights in this matter?’
‘Because she had a relationship with Paul,’ I replied. ‘For all I knew she didn’t even know he was married. I couldn’t imagine what she must have been going through, when he suddenly stopped seeing her and didn’t get in touch. I mean, she might have been in love with him. I couldn’t just pretend she didn’t exist.’
‘Very noble, I’m sure.’ The inspector’s tone didn’t sound impressed. ‘Now, let’s return to the facts. You recently took a job at a medical centre.’
‘How is that relevant?’ Andrew asked, but he looked worried.
‘That gave you access to medical information, and enabled you to research sources for Rohypnol, a drug that was detected in your husband’s body-’
‘That’s not true!’ I cried out. ‘I had nothing to do with any drugs!’
My lawyer put a restraining hand on my arm to remind me to stay calm.
‘Can you explain why, after seventeen years at home, you suddenly sought out a job in a medical centre? Why now, Julie? And why that particular job?’
The room suddenly felt chilly. Everything I had ever done was going to be investigated and used against me. I turned to Andrew.
The Detective Inspector’s voice was remorseless. ‘Just answer the question, Julie.’
Stammering, I explained how supporting my son had taken up all of my time when he was a child. Now that he had become more independent, at Paul’s insistence, I had accepted it would be best for both me and Dan if I were to find myself occupation.
Andrew spoke up. ‘My client cannot be held responsible for the post becoming vacant just at the time she had decided to look for a job. Any other suggestion is merely circumstantial.’
The Detective Inspector didn’t bother to reply. Clearly the police were resolved to find me guilty. Their net was closing in around me. My one hope now seemed to lie in the regular visits from my supposed brother, Ackerman.
‘Tell me why you’re persisting with me,’ I said to him.
‘Because you’re my client.’
‘What happens when the deposit runs out?’
He didn’t answer.
‘Do you think I should plead loss of control? My lawyer’s recommending I do. He thinks I should confess.’
‘That’s your call.’
‘I know. But what do you think? Please, I’m only after for your opinion. There’s no one else I can ask.’
He looked thoughtful for a moment, before answering. ‘I can’t see you have anything to lose. If you’re convicted, a confession and admission that you’re tormented by guilt, and you really loved your husband and couldn’t bear to think of him in another woman’s bed, and so on, all that is bound to go down well with a jury, and you’ll receive a relatively light sentence. And if we do manage to find out that someone else murdered your husband, the fact that you made a confession won’t affect your acquittal.’
‘Wouldn’t there be consequences for makin
g a false statement?’
‘You would have to explain that you were advised to make a false statement to reduce your sentence, advice you deeply regret having followed.’
I was horrified that Ackerman agreed with my lawyer’s recommendation. No one seemed to understand I stood to lose everything if Dan were to believe I had killed his father.
‘But won’t it mean the police will stop trying to find out who did kill Paul?’
He shrugged again. We both knew the police were satisfied they already had the culprit in custody.
‘Nothing about this seems real,’ I said.
‘Real?’ Ackerman replied, smiling as though I had said something amusing.
Lying on my bunk that night, I thought about what he had said, and how little I knew about him. Ackerman was obviously a name he had made up from the initials AKA man, as though he wanted me to know it was an alias. Under any other circumstances I wouldn’t have trusted him for an instant yet so far, he had turned out to be reliable. When he could have simply pocketed the cash from the sale of my jewellery and walked away, he had chosen to stay and work on my behalf. Ironically, I had been betrayed by the one man I trusted absolutely, while a stranger had kept his word.
17
It soon felt as though I had been living in my cell all my life, but I didn’t feel as though I was in prison. For a start, I could wear my own clothes, as I hadn’t yet been convicted of a crime. Nina had been a real support, bringing in a case of my things. Since then she hadn’t been back to see me, but I hadn’t bothered to call her. I guessed she was busy, and the prison wasn’t that easy for her to get to. In any case, I had lost interest in the world outside the confines of the institution where I now lived.
When I thought about it, I felt dazed by how quickly the outside world had faded away. In the prison we had a reasonably well stocked library, and a gym, and we were fed three times a day. Admittedly there was very limited choice, and no alcohol, but the food wasn’t bad. If I hadn’t been confined to a cell for hours at a time, in conditions that were scarcely luxurious, I could almost have persuaded myself that I was on holiday in retreat, where I was free of all responsibilities. It was like being a child again and I could have settled quite contentedly into my new way of life, had I not been tormented by the separation from my son.
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