Playing Hardball: Part 5

by Sharon Cummin

  I was so deep in thought that I hadn't heard Lucy moving around.

  “Lance,” she said.

  I looked up with wide eyes.

  “I'm sorry,” I said. “I didn't mean to wake you, momma. Do you need anything?”

  “Just my little girl,” she said through sleepy eyes.

  “Can I finish feeding her first, Boss?” I asked with a smile.

  “Feed her over here,” she said. “She's too far away.”

  “I think she has someone else wrapped around her fingers as well. You were making fun of me, but I see it,” I said.

  “I can't help it,” she said. “I just love her so much.”

  “I know what you mean,” I said, as I stood up and walked over to sit with my girls together.

  My girls, I thought. Yep! They were my girls.

  “She's so little,” Lucy said. “I'm going to have to get her some preemie clothes, or she's going to swim in the ones we have.”

  “Look at us,” I joked. “We thought we had it all covered.”

  “Right?” she asked with a smile.

  As soon as I was done feeding the baby, I handed her over to Lucy.

  “You just want her now because I already changed her,” I joked.

  “You're right about that,” she said with a smile.

  She sat with the baby on her lap. I watched her looking down as if she'd never seen anything so amazing in her life. It was true, I couldn't argue that. The little one had me looking the same way. When Sammie fell back to sleep, I put her back into her bed and got back on the bed with Lucy. She lifted for me to put my arm behind her. Then she put her other arm over my chest and leaned her head against me. My chin rested on the top of her head. I was going to soak up every second.

  “His name was Brad,” she said.

  “What?” I asked, sure I'd heard her wrong.

  “The man in the picture with me,” she said. “His name is Brad.”

  I didn't say anything. I wasn't sure if she wanted me to or if she was going to give me more. I did want her to know I was listening, so I put my hand on her arm and rubbed it.

  “He was my husband,” she said.

  She didn't say anything for a few moments before continuing again. I knew it was hard for her but was so happy she was opening up to me, no matter how big or small.

  “We got married when we were twenty. He was the only man I've ever been in a relationship with. We were high school sweethearts. He was the first person I ever felt truly cared about me. I thought we were going to be together forever. We were going to have a family together. That was the plan anyway. We were married for five years when I lost him.”

  “Shit,” I whispered, as I tightened my hold on her. “I'm so sorry, Lucy.”

  “It wasn't your fault,” she said. “It was mine.”

  My movements stopped. I felt my heart break for her. I would have done anything to take away her pain, but I couldn't. All I could do was listen, hold her, and try to give her some of my strength.

  “It wasn't your fault,” I said.

  “It was,” she said. “We were at home. There was no reason for either of us to leave. It was the middle of the day, and we were both hungry. There was food in the house. I could have made us something. I should have made us something, but I didn't. I told him I wanted take out, and he did what he always did. He got ready to get what I wanted. That was how he was. He made sure I had everything I wanted. He wanted me to be happy. I was happy, very happy. He left that day to go and get me food and never came back. Seconds turned into minutes that turned into hours. He never answered his phone or my messages. When I heard the knock, I jumped so excited he was finally home. It wasn't him on the other side of the door. It was uniformed police officers. I knew right away he was gone. I lost it. My life changed that day, and it's never been the same since.”

  “I'm so sorry you had to go through that. People go out for food all the time, babe. That doesn't mean it was your fault,” I said.

  “It was,” she said with a nod. “I should have been a better wife. I should have cooked for him. If I had, it wouldn't have happened. That asshole, drunk in the middle of the day, wouldn't have killed him. He was my life, Lance. You don't get it. My parents never gave a shit about me. Brad was the only one that cared. He was there for me.”

  “What happened after?” I whispered.

  “Nothing,” she said. “Nothing happened for two years. I didn't want to live in our home, so I moved into my parents basement. I didn't work or do anything. I stayed in bed. On important dates I visited his grave, but it wasn't really me. On the second anniversary of his death, I was at my lowest.”

  “What about your parents?” he asked. “They lived with you.”

  “It didn't matter,” she said. “I said I was fine, and they couldn't be bothered.”

  “What changed?” I asked, as I ran my finger up and down her arm again.

  “I was at the cemetery and there was a lady with a little girl just down the way from me. That woman was strong. They were talking about the little girl's daddy and how much they missed him. That woman was holding it all together and taking care of that little girl. I couldn't even take care of myself. Brad's grave was a mess. It looked like nobody cared about him, but that wasn't true. I cleaned it up and got flowers and balloons. He deserved them. If it had been me under that dirt, he never would have let it look like I didn't matter.”

  I could hear her beginning to sniffle.

  “Then I got a job. I put every moment into that job so I wouldn't have to think about him or life. I promised him I'd move on with my life.”

  “I'm sure he would have wanted you to move on. He wouldn't want you to be alone. He'd want you to find love and build a life,” I said.

  “No,” she said, as she shook her head against me. “I promised him that I would have a life, but I also promised that I would never love again. I promised myself that I would never get close to anyone again.”

  “Lucy,” I said.

  “I will never be the reason someone is hurt or gone again, Lance. Do you hear me?” she said through her tears.

  I could tell the tears were beginning to come faster. I could feel her body shaking against me.

  “The nightmares?” I asked.

  “I live that day over and over while I sleep. It's a way of reminding myself that I will never do that to anyone again.”

  “It wasn't your fault, babe,” I said, as I squeezed her a bit tighter against me.

  “It was,” she said.

  I shook my head but she couldn't see me.

  “Can I ask you something?” I asked.

  She nodded against me.

  “Is that why you flipped when you found out Scott had gone out to get something for your head and why you begged me not to go out that time at your place?” I asked.

  “Yes,” she said. “I don't need anyone ever going out for me.”

  “Lucy,” I said. “Look at me.”

  “Can't,” she said.

  “Please, babe,” I said. “ I need to see your eyes.”

  She lifted her head and looked up at me. There was so much emotion in her eyes, and I knew I would do anything to take her sadness away.

  “You miss him?” I asked.

  It hurt knowing she loved another man. He was someone I would never be able to compete with. Not that I'd want to. It stung me deep.

  “Yes,” she said. “He cared about me when they didn't. He was my first relationship, my only one really.”

  That shit stung too.

  “When I found out I was pregnant, so many thoughts went through my mind. We'd planned to have a family. I'm honestly not sure why we hadn't yet. We were married for five years. Anyway, I felt guilty. How could I get pregnant by another man? How could I let it happen the night I met you? I felt like I'd gone against him. I hadn't fallen in love though. At least I hadn't broken that promise. The thought of having a baby scared me. That meant a little one would be counting on me. I wasn't supposed
to get close to anyone. I'd gone against everything I'd told myself. What was worse was that when I thought that the test might have been wrong, it broke my heart. I'd already loved the baby so much. When they said something was wrong and I was having the baby, I was upset. To me it was my fault. I wasn't supposed to get close, and it was my fault her life was at risk. I'd have done anything for them to save her, Lance. I'd haven given my life in a second for hers. She'd have you, and I knew you'd take care of her.”

  “I prayed the whole way here, Lucy. I would have given my life for hers in a second without even thinking about it. Of course I didn't know she was a girl yet. It wasn't your fault she was in danger. There was nothing you could have done differently. You were perfect through your whole pregnancy. Our little girl was a month early. She was also completely healthy because you took such good care of her in there,” I said, as I rubbed her belly lightly.

  “Lance,” she said.

  “I was so thankful she was there,” I said. “It was such a relief. Then I heard the beeping and I was so scared, babe. Your eyes closed, and they pulled me away. I lost it. I lost it on the nurse and Carrie's mom. I couldn't imagine living without you. You've pissed me off and challenged me like nobody ever has in my life, but I couldn't imagine all of that being gone. I didn't want a relationship when we met. That wasn't me. I've not had a serious relationship since high school. Ball was all that mattered. It was my escape. It was where I had a family. They were my family. I tried to stay away from you, but I couldn't. When Carrie's mom called and the coach told me I'd better not leave, my life changed. Not once had I ever put anything before my career or the team. There was no question. In that moment, I had someplace else I needed to be. I needed to be with you. There was no way I wouldn't be right there no matter what they decided. I won't let you push me away, Firecracker. You're it for me. You and that beautiful little girl over there are my life. I get that you've been through hell and back. I'm not asking you to promise me forever. I'm just asking you not to push me away.”

  “I don't know, Lance,” she said.

  I took her chin in my fingers and looked into her eyes.

  “I have to tell you something, babe,” I said.

  I could see her eyes change. There was something there. Did she think I was going to say something bad? I took a deep breath waiting for the yelling I was very possibly about to get.

  “I knew about Brad,” I said.

  “What?” she gasped.

  “I thought he was your brother,” I said.

  She gave me a strange look.

  “When you wouldn't talk to me, I followed you,” I said.

  “Lance,” she snapped.

  “I know,” I said. “It was a bit stalkerish. You went to the cemetery. My heart broke for you that day. You sat there for a long time. It was the fifth anniversary of his death. You took flowers and balloons. It took all I had not to go to you, but I didn't. It was your time. I knew you wouldn't talk to me anymore for sure. I couldn't understand why you were alone without your parents or Carrie.”

  “She doesn't know,” she said.

  “She's your best friend. How could she not know?” I asked.

  “Nobody knows, Lance,” she said. “My parents are the only people that know me that know about Brad. I pushed everyone else away.”

  “When you left, I got out of my car and walked to his grave. You both had the same last name and were around the same age. I knew that it said he was a husband, but not for one second did I think he was your husband. I followed you there again after you left the doctor.”

  “What?” she asked.

  “That day you blew me off saying you were busy. I followed you to the doctor. I had no idea you thought you were pregnant. When you left, you went to the cemetery. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it, I was just pissed you were blowing me off and trying to figure out what was so important. I guess I get it now. He was more important. You found out you were pregnant with my child and went to see him.”

  I could feel my heart squeeze at the thought that he was the one she went to, even if it was his grave. That sounded bad, I know. I couldn't change the fact that it hurt. My baby was growing inside of her.

  “I was right about the picture. You're in love with another man,” I said.

  “Lance,” she said. “Please.”

  “Thank you for opening up to me. It means so much,” I said, as I moved to scoot out from under her.

  She held tighter to me and wouldn't let me go. I was afraid of hurting her. She'd had a c-section, and I didn't want to jar her body.

  “Don't go,” she said. “I told you what would happen. I knew you'd leave me.”

  “I'm not leaving,” I said. “I won't lie, it hurts like hell to know you love another man. The woman I love is in love with someone else.”

  “You wouldn't care about me if I hadn't gotten pregnant,” she said.

  “That's bullshit,” I growled out from deep in my chest. “I'm not arguing about this shit right now, Lucy. I'm glad you told me. I'm so sorry you lost your husband. I can only imagine. When I thought I was losing you, I felt worse than I ever have in my life. I got you back though. I can't even think about what I would have done if I'd lost you forever. I'm going to go over on the couch over there for a bit.”

  “Please don't,” she said, as she hugged even tighter to me. “You make me feel safe. When I'm in your arms, I feel like nothing bad can happen. You take away the nightmares.”

  What the fuck was I supposed to say to that? She'd never even let on that she had feelings for me before. If I walked away in that moment, I knew she'd close me out and build her walls back up. I couldn't have that. She was opening up to me. Even though it hurt like hell, I couldn't let her stop. She felt safe in my arms. That was something. She said I took the nightmares away from her. I'd noticed them happening less myself, and I was right. She was right, nothing bad would happen with me there. I'd do everything I had to do to keep Lucy and Samantha safe and happy. That was my number one goal. My girls needed to feel safe, happy, protected, and loved.

  I pulled Lucy closer to me and kissed her forehead before closing my eyes and falling asleep. She didn't realize it, but I slept better with her in my arms too.

  Chapter 6

  Lucy

  It took me a long time to fall back to sleep after talking to Lance. I'd never told anyone about Brad. It was hard to talk about, but Lance was amazing. I couldn't believe he had been at the cemetery. How many times had he followed me? He barely had any time at home. Why bother with me? I knew the days he meant. The first time was right after we met. I mean the first damn week. It was crazy. I couldn't decide if I should have been mad or happy that he'd done it.

  He was upset and wanted to move away from me. I needed to understand, but so did he. He needed to see that the only reason he thought he loved me was because of the baby and the fact that I'd gone through some crazy shit and almost died. I still couldn't figure all of that out. He'd see after a few weeks that he was wrong. He was going to leave to go back on the road. The days were going to get back to normal for him. Then he'd realize he hadn't meant it at all. We'd see him when he was home, and then he'd be gone again.

  It would be a few weeks before I'd go back to work. At least six weeks. Scott said I needed to take twelve. I wasn't sure I wanted to be away from the company for that long. We settled on six with no work and another six working from home. I knew he was going to pressure me for more since I'd had the baby c-section and the other stuff. I wouldn't have it though. I'd need life to return to the way it would end up being. I didn't want to wait too long.

  Lance's arms were around me, and it felt amazing. I missed him when he wasn't there. It was a selfish thing really. He made me feel safe. He never did anything special for me to feel that way. It was just his huge, man arms were warm and strong. I smiled when I held a chunk of his jersey in my hand. He'd come from work and hadn't been able to change.

  Once I knew he was asleep, I grabbed my phone from t
he table next to my head and sent Carrie a message.

  Me: Can you please grab some of Lance's clothes so he can change. He won't leave, and I'm sure he's not very comfortable in his uniform. I'm not complaining. It's not so bad. I'm not sure I think I like you touching his boxers though. Maybe have Scott grab those. Lol.

  I knew she'd laugh when she read it. I was shocked when I heard the buzz. There was no way she needed to be up.

  Carrie: You okay? You should be sleeping.

  Me: I know. We were up feeding the baby. I had a few things to tell Lance. He's asleep now. I'm just existing while my mind runs crazy.

  Carrie: That man cares about you, Lucy. I've never seen a man like Lance cry and pour his feelings out like he did today. I know you have things you aren't sharing. I've known since I met you. Please do not push away a man that loves you.

  Me: It's not me. It's the baby he loves. He'll see. He can't love me. I won't let him.

  Carrie: Why?

  Me: Just can't. He's a good man. He deserves better than me.

  Carrie: Isn't that his decision?

  Me: He'll see. It won't take long. His life will go back to normal, and he'll realize it was just the excitement of it all.

  Carrie: So you don't think he really loves you.

  Me: I don't. If it weren't for the baby, he wouldn't be giving me the time of day.

  Carrie: That's bullshit. Do you think he wanted to help me move? Come on.

  Me: Did you hear the stuff he said to Scott at your parents' house?

  Carrie: You are driving me fucking crazy, woman.