“Fine,” she said.
I took Samantha into the house and put her carrier by the couch. Then I went back out to the car. I pulled Lucy's door open, leaned in, scooped her up in my arms, and pushed the door shut with my leg.
“Put me down, Hotshot. I can walk. You can't carry me everywhere,” she said.
“I can right now,” I said. “It's my job to take care of you.”
“It's your job to take care of Sammie,” she said. “I'm not your responsibility.”
“What if I want you to be?” I asked. “When do I get to make the decision?”
She looked up at me with tears in her eyes, wrapped her arms around my neck, and put her head against my chest. When I got to the couch, I put her down slowly. There were pillows there for her. The baby was just waking up and would be hungry. Lucy winced as she leaned forward, and I stepped in front of her to get the baby out. Then I handed her to Lucy.
“Can you get me a bottle?” she asked.
I got the bottle ready, brought it back to Lucy, and sat down next to her. We sat in silence while she fed Sammie.
“I'm not giving up on us,” I said. “You can do whatever you want, but it's not going to work. You're going to see that I really care. You're going to learn that you deserve love and that I'm the man that will be giving you more of it than you will ever need. It's the real deal, Lucy. You're mine. We can do this the hard way if you'd like. I'm getting used to that when it comes to you.”
Then I stood up and walked toward the kitchen. She was a pain in my ass, but I wasn't giving up on her. When I walked back into the living room, Lucy was asleep with Sammie in her arms. It was the cutest sight I'd ever seen. I snapped a quick picture and set it as the background on my phone. How was I going to leave them, I wondered?
I set up a baby bed in the living room and made sure we had everything we needed there. It would be a few more days before Lucy could go up the stairs. Carrie's mom was staying for a week. Then I'd be home for almost a week. As soon as I knew everything was set, I kissed Lucy and then Sammie.
“Daddy loves you, baby girl. I love you, Lucy,” I said before standing back up.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“I'm going to the apartment,” I said. “I'll see you two in the morning.”
“Lance,” she said.
“I'm following your rules,” I said. “Carrie's mom is upstairs when you need her. She said to send a quick text and she'll be right down.”
“Lance,” she said again.
“Yes,” I said.
“You're an amazing father. Thank you,” she said.
“Love you, babe,” I said before turning, and fighting every single part of myself that wanted to stay, I walked out the door.
It was seriously the hardest thing I'd ever done. It was the first night I would be away from them. There was no way I was doing that every night. I had to fix that shit fast.
I was back first thing in the morning with my bag packed and ready to go. Lucy was asleep, and the baby was in her bed. I walked into the kitchen to find Carrie's mom making breakfast.
“How was it?” I asked.
“Fine,” she said. “Lucy took care of her alone. I watched her struggle, but she wouldn't let me help. She said it was her job to take care of her daughter. That girl needs an ass kicking, Lance. I'm not sure how to help her.”
“She has to figure things out herself. I won't give up on her. She's been through some crazy shit. You know she thinks I only told her I love her because of the baby? That's her whole thing. She thinks I wouldn't want her if we didn't have the baby. I wasn't with anyone else before we found out. I wasn't perfect. She saw that woman in the hotel. She didn't believe I wasn't going to be with her. I'll figure it out. I just have to figure out how I'm going to leave them today first. I'm so glad you're here. You will never know how much you mean to both of us. We'd be lost without you.”
“I love you kids,” she said. “I always will. You two just need to get it together.”
Carrie's mom made Lucy a plate, and I walked it out to her. She sat up and laughed.
“I'll go to the table,” she said.
“Hold on,” I said. “Let me take this to the table. I'll be right back.”
“I can get up, Ballplayer.”
I put the plate down quickly and hurried back to her. She was already up and walking to the table before I even got back. My girl was determined to prove she didn't need anyone or anything.
We had breakfast. Then I got ready to leave. I looked down at her and the baby in her arms.
“I don't want to leave,” I said.
“You have to,” she said. “They'd be lost without you.”
“Will you watch?” I asked.
“If I don't have anything better to do,” she said with a serious face.
“I want my baby girl to watch her daddy,” I said. “I don't want her to forget what I look like.”
She picked up her phone and took a picture of me.
“I'll show her that picture several times a day,” she said. “I'll even try to use your voice to talk to her.”
“You are such a smart ass,” I said. “I'll be gone almost a week. This is so damn hard.”
She looked at me with a grin, and I wasn't about to let her have that moment.
“Not a word, Firecracker,” I said, as I leaned down close to her ear. “I mean it. One word out of that cocky mouth, and I'm going to show you just how hard it is.”
“But,” she began.
“But nothing, woman,” I whispered. “Your mouth is more than available. Do you want to test me right now, babe?”
She bit her bottom lip but didn't speak.
“I hated being away from my girls last night,” I said. “Fucking hated it.”
I kissed her forehead before leaning down to kiss Samantha's. Then I stood up and grabbed my bag.
“Love you two,” I said, as I turned and walked toward the door.
“Wait,” she snapped.
When I turned to face her, she was on her feet and putting Sammie in her bed. Then she walked to me. I didn't meet her halfway. I knew it was important to her to be able to do everything on her own. She stood up on her toes and wrapped her arms around my neck.
“We're going to miss you. Please text me when you get to your first place. Be careful, Ballplayer,” she said.
It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but I knew it meant something. I wrapped my arms around her.
“I'll be back,” I said. “I miss you two already. It's not even a week. I'll be back before you know it. Don't do too much while I'm gone, okay. Carrie's mom is here to help you. Accept the help.”
“Okay,” she said, but she didn't loosen her hold on me.
Lucy wasn't making it any easier to leave.
“Thank you for everything, Big Daddy,” she said just before kissing my cheek and walking away.
I could see her reach up and rub her eyes, but I didn't say a word. Damn did I love that woman. I turned and forced myself to go. Five days was a long fucking time when I was leaving the two of them.
Chapter 8
Lucy
It was so much harder than I thought it would be watching him leave. So much had gone on in that short time. The night before he'd gone back to the apartment. I couldn't believe it. He'd said he wasn't going to, but he did. I called out to him as he left. I didn't want him to go. He said he was following my rules. It was so hard being without him that night. Then he came for breakfast and was gone again. I had to hug him. I needed to touch him. In all honesty, it took all I had not to say something when he'd made that threat. I wanted to taste that man so badly, but I didn't want him to be late.
He'd been perfect and stayed true to his word. Lance hadn't left the hospital once the entire time I was there. Some of his friends came to visit. It was so strange. I'd seen them on the field while watching the games. Having them standing there, talking to me like I was one of them, felt weird. I'd gotten more visits from the nurs
es during those times than I did the entire time I was there. They really were a big deal. It was nice to see Lance with them. I could tell they were all a family. I liked knowing they were all so close. I really hadn't expected that from a whole group of ballplayers.
The second he left, I missed him. I'd come so close to letting the damn L word slip, but I'd stopped myself. He was going to be gone for almost an entire week. Things would change during that time. I was sure of it.
Carrie's mom helped me so much. She made meals for her and me. Then she cleaned it all up. I felt like I needed to do more. I was feeling better and each day was able to move around a bit more. I'd been cleared for driving after she took me to see my doctor one of the first days. I took care of the baby the entire time and began doing more around the house each day. The baby was still sleeping in the living room with me. Honestly, I didn't want to move us upstairs until Lance was there. I felt like it was something I wanted him to be a part of. It was crazy, I knew that. Something so silly really wasn't such a big deal.
I thought more about going back to work. I'd have six weeks at home and then an additional six weeks working from home. After that our little girl would be going to day care. Lance was pissed about it. We hadn't discussed it any more, but I knew it was coming. I could see his point, but he also needed to see mine. It was a huge deal. I'd be living off of him, and I wasn't sure I could do that.
Lance had sent me a text when he arrived, and it put me at ease. I didn't expect to hear from him much and was pleasantly surprised when I did.
It was time for his first game. The baby was in her bouncer facing the television. I sat right next to her on the floor. Carrie's mom grabbed us drinks and sat down on the couch. We watched the game in silence at first. It didn't take long before I grabbed my phone and started typing.
Me: Seriously! What the fuck was that?
Carrie's mom was watching over my shoulder. She shook her head and laughed.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing,” she said.
Me: Get your head out of your ass and win this game. If we have to be away from you for nearly a week, you better make it worth it.
Me: I can't believe you just struck out. Did you not see the ball? Do you need glasses?
I heard her grunt from behind me and turned around.
“What?” I snapped.
“You know damn well he will be looking forward to your messages. The first thing that man is going to do is check his phone. I know it. He's told me. A little sugar goes a long way. He's had a rough life too. How would you feel if everything he sent you was shitty?”
“I send him good stuff too,” I said. “He likes when I mess with him.”
“I know he does,” she said. “You need to think about more than just your feelings. I know you've been through shit. I don't know what yet. Don't think you're the only one.”
I turned back around in an irritated mood, but I did think about what she said. He was away from his baby girl and was having a rough game. I really should have been more positive. I began watching with a bit of a different attitude.
Me: There you go. That guy didn't stand a chance against you.
Me: Nice hit, Ballplayer. Sammie said good job.
Me: Seriously. Strike him out. Come on.
Carrie's mom grunted again, and I turned quickly to her.
“Do you want him to think someone snatched me from my body?” I asked. “I have to be real.”
“You're right,” she said.
When the game was over, they had lost. I was shocked. It was the first game I'd watched that they'd lost. I instantly felt horrible for my negative messages.
Me: You'll get them next time. We had fun watching you. We miss you, Big Daddy.
My phone rang about two hours later. I answered right away.
“Hey,” I said.
“Did you see that shit?” he asked.
“I did,” I said. “Don't worry, I covered Sammie's eyes during the bad parts. Her daddy is still the best.”
“You're something else, woman,” he said. “I expected so many rough messages. Thanks for the good ones. It means a lot.”
“No problem,” I said.
“What are you guys doing?” he asked.
“Not much,” I said. “The baby is sleeping. I'm just sitting here with Carrie's mom.”
“How was your appointment?” he asked.
“Good,” I said. “The doctor cleared me to drive. Everything is looking good.”
“You don't need to drive yet,” he said. “Carrie's mom can take you if you need to go anywhere.”
“Calm down,” I said. “I'm a big girl. A little too big.”
I burst into laughter.
“You're fucking perfect. You had our daughter in there. Give it time,” he said.
“I won't go far. I have a few things I need to do.”
“You're going to the cemetery,” he said more of a statement than a question.
“Lance,” I said.
“I'm good,” he said. “I'm tired. I think I'm going to get some sleep.”
“It's something I need to do. Aren't you out with the guys? It's still light out,” I said.
“I didn't feel like it. I miss you two. The more I sleep, the quicker I'll be home. Look at me sounding like a pussy. I don't know how the guys do it.”
His tone was sad, and I wanted to reach out and hug him.
“You love what you're doing. We aren't going anywhere. We'll be right here when you get back. Enjoy your time with them.”
I couldn't believe what I was saying. It felt good that he missed us, but I didn't want him to miss out on what he cared about.
“We'll be watching you tomorrow. Kick some ass,” I said. “Sammie said good night.”
“You're something else. I hope you have a great night. Love you.”
As soon as I hung up the phone, Carrie's mom was looking over.
“What?” I asked. “Spit it out.”
“You feel like talking?” she asked. “Scratch that. We are talking. You love him.”
I didn't say a word.
“Lucy,” she said. “Talk to me. It's just us here. Sammie is sleeping and won't tell him what we say.”
“Very funny,” I said.
“Do you love him?” she asked.
I looked at her and tears filled my eyes.
“Why are you fighting so hard not to?” she asked.
“You really want to know?” I asked.
She nodded.
“I told him, so I guess I can tell you too.”
“What is it?” she asked.
Once the gates opened, they didn't close. I told her the whole story about losing Brad. I told her everything. I told her about my fears of something else happening if I loved someone. I told her about my promise to Brad. I told her it was all my fault and that I didn't deserve love. Then I began telling her more than I told him. I'm not sure how she even heard me through my tears. I told her all about how Brad cared when my own parents didn't. I explained how he treated me. Then I pointed out every single difference between Brad and Lance, even the intimate ones. I knew I needed to stop, but I couldn't. I needed to talk to someone. She held me while I cried and told me over and over it wasn't my fault. Some major realizations hit me during our conversation. I knew I loved Lance. That one had hit me in the hospital. I really did love him. There was no way I wanted him to be hurt because of me, but I also didn't want to get hurt because of him.
“Do you really think Brad would have wanted you to stay single forever? If he loved you as much as it seems he did, he'd want you to be happy. He'd want you to be with someone that would put you above everything else. I'd say Lance did that when he walked out of that photo shoot. Wouldn't you?”
“He was worried about the baby,” I said. “If it weren't for her, he wouldn't have come.”
“I don't agree. You didn't see how scared he was. The man broke, Lucy. He broke right there next to me. He declared his love for you and said
he'd do anything for you to make it through. It had nothing to do with the baby. It was all about you. He said he couldn't go on without you. There was not one thing about it that wasn't real. You have some decisions to make.”
“I don't know. What am I going to do when he decides that it's not me he wants anymore. He's big stuff. There are women lining up to be with him. You weren't at that game. You didn't hear those girls talking about fucking him. What about the woman at the hotel? If I hadn't shown up, would he have turned her away?”
“I believe he would have, Lucy,” she said. “Why is it so hard to believe he would want you? Why do you feel he would tire of you?”
“I'm not them. I'm not good enough for him. He deserves better than me. Don't you see it? I don't look like them. I don't kiss his ass. He's way out of my league.”
“You're not like them,” she said. “You're right. Maybe that's what he loves about you. Maybe he likes that you don't kiss his ass. He bought this house for you to live in. You can't honestly think it was just because of the baby.”
“How do I know?” I asked her. “How do I know he's not just here because of her? I'll never know. You don't understand. I can't let him in. It's so damn hard. I promised never to love again. When I lost Brad, my life changed. It has never been the same. I shut myself off for two years. I'm still not me. I laugh and joke about everything so I don't have to face it all. It ruined me when I lost him. What happens when Lance doesn't want me anymore. You have no idea. Losing him would kill me. He has the potential to tear my life apart.”
“Lucy,” she said.
“No,” I said, as I stood up and looked down at her. “You don't get it. I love him. I love that man more than I have ever loved anyone in my life, besides Sammie I mean. That is a different kind of love. If Lance decides later that he can't be bothered, that he has more important places to be, it will kill me. I don't think I could make it through. I feel guilty every single day. Brad was the man that loved me when nobody else did. How could I love Lance more? He says he won't give up, but I don't believe him. He'll leave just like Brad. Don't you see it? That's how it goes. My parents don't give a shit. He won't either. I'll end up alone and destroyed. That man will end me.”
Playing Hardball: Part 5 Page 5