Ashes of Life

by Erica Lucke Dean

  I grabbed my bag, dragging it and myself across the room. The muscles between my legs ached and burned, and I sort of hoped I had the bruises to remind me. “I’m ready.”

  After a silent fifteen-minute car ride, he pulled into my driveway. “Thanks, babe. You were great.” He leaned over and pressed his cool lips to mine. He didn’t linger, didn’t open his mouth, just a quick peck before pulling away.

  I nodded then opened my car door and climbed out.

  “See ya.” He threw the car into reverse before I’d even shut the door.

  The cold air filled my lungs and cleared my head just enough for me to slide my key into the lock and slip into the house as he drove away. I dropped my backpack and kicked off my snow-soaked shoes in front of the washing machine. As I shrugged off my coat, I noticed a dim light coming from the kitchen. I tossed my jacket on a hook and fluffed my hair in front of my bloodshot eyes. I didn’t need Alex bitching at me tonight. But unlike Mom who would have waited up all night, she wasn’t even in the kitchen. I flipped the light off and moved as quietly as I could toward the stairs, hoping she was in bed already.

  “Maddie, is that you?” her sleepy voice came from the living room.

  I stopped, trying to decide if I should answer or not. “Yeah, I’m going up to bed.”

  “Okay” was all I heard her say before I scurried up the stairs and locked myself in my room as fast as my sore body would let me. I flopped down on the bed and muffled my sobs in a pillow, crying myself to sleep.

  “What the hell is this?” Alex screeched, jarring me awake. Her sunken eyes stretched wide as she stared down at me, making her look like some psycho rag doll or something.

  I bolted up out of bed, still fully dressed from the night before, and grabbed the red silk and lace from her hands, causing the single condom to land on the plush cream carpet at my feet.

  Alex’s eyes stared at the foil square, and I almost laughed at the over-the-top expression on her face. If only I hadn’t been twice as mortified as she looked. “I don’t know what I should focus on first, the fact that you were smart enough to carry a condom or the fact that it’s quite obviously unused.”

  “Obviously, there’s a reason it’s unused.” I bent down and snatched the condom, tucking it into my pocket. I wasn’t about to tell her Brody had a big enough stash to screw the whole cheer squad, so we didn’t need mine. That info was on a need-to-know basis, and she most definitely didn’t need to know.

  “And if you didn’t reek of morning after, I might take some small comfort in that.” Alex folded her arms and locked her creepy doll eyes on my face, igniting my skin.

  I swallowed back the sloshy contents of my stomach. “What are you doing with my stuff? You have no right going through my things!” I immediately regretted my fast movements and stumbled back onto my bed.

  “I thought you wanted me to wash what was in your backpack since you left it right by the machine. And are you hungover again? I can’t believe this, Maddie. I let you go out for one night with your godfather’s son, and you come home like this. What would your dad have thought?”

  “Well, unlike you, my dad would’ve wanted me to stay far from Brody Allen. So if you have to ask that, then you obviously didn’t know Dad very well.” I threw the lingerie behind me and stared up at her. “Maybe that’s why he was getting back together with Mom. He probably never told you anything because he didn’t really love you. Or because he knew you were sleeping around. He loved my mom, and they were happy. Happy with each other until you ruined it. This is all your fault! I wish you’d been the one in that car.”

  “You have no idea.” She opened her mouth then closed it again, before walking out and slamming the door behind her.

  Muffled sobs carried through the barrier between us, and I flinched back from the sound. I crawled back to the head of my bed and hugged my pillow.

  Chapter 12

  Alex

  More than a week later, Maddie’s words still played on an endless loop inside my head as I pulled into a parking spot outside of Mike Allen’s office. I didn’t want to think I was that person, the one who leveraged hurt feelings to make a decision—and she had hurt my feelings, cut me to the bone, and watched me bleed out—but nevertheless, there I sat, staring at the nondescript brick building, screwing up my courage to ask my husband’s oldest friend to take his daughter off my hands.

  What the hell are you thinking? She’s sleeping with his son. Surely, they wouldn’t allow that to continue under their roof. Douchebag kid aside, the Allens had to have been better parents than me. David and Sarah had picked Mike to be Maddie’s godfather for a reason.

  Hadn’t they?

  I checked my reflection in the rearview mirror one last time before climbing out of the car. It didn’t matter that I’d showered and made an effort to look somewhat presentable for the first time since David’s funeral. I couldn’t seem to shake the vacant look in my eyes, as if my soul had deserted me the day he’d died. Maybe I’d lost a little bit of it when I’d decided to carry through with this horrible plan, but I didn’t know how much more I could take. I tried to live up to the person David wanted me to be when he’d decided to leave his daughter to me, but I failed at every turn.

  Maddie and I were no closer to finding common ground than before, and she’d made it perfectly clear how she felt about me. I needed to silence the chorus of disapproving voices inside my head just long enough to remind myself I had no other options. The Allens were the perfect solution for an imperfect situation. I only hoped Mike agreed.

  A perky blonde in a pink pantsuit greeted me, leaving me to sit in the waiting area while she announced my arrival. My hands trembled, and I shoved them under my legs to keep them still. If only I could keep the rest of me from shaking. I felt as though my body was coming apart at the seams. What am I doing here? The question stung the tip of my tongue, waiting for me to come up with a valid response. David had thought enough of the man to make him Maddie’s godfather, so why couldn’t I get the words out? Why couldn’t I convince myself, at least?

  Because you’re a terrible person, my conscience screamed at me. His son took advantage of a young girl who’d just lost her parents. Oh my God, I can’t do this! No matter how I felt about her at that moment, Maddie deserved better from me.

  I jumped up to leave just as Mike Allen stepped out of his office and pulled me into an awkward hug, like a long-lost relative, the kind you make small talk with at family gatherings then talk about behind their backs. “Alex. So good to see you.”

  “G-good to see you too.” I stumbled over the words as I worked to keep the shock off my face. The man barely acknowledged me at the funeral, and now he’s hugging me? As if red flags weren’t already going up inside my brain.

  Mike ushered me into his office and waved me toward a quartet of dark-brown leather club chairs facing a round coffee table. He waited until I’d taken a seat before sitting across from me. His perfect sandy, Ken-doll hair swooped to the left, defying gravity as he moved. “So what brings you to see me today?”

  I said the first thing that came to mind. “I, uh, I just wanted to come talk to someone who knew David. I thought maybe you could help me understand what happened the day he died.”

  “Of course, I’ll do what I can. I must admit, though, I didn’t understand many of his decisions in recent months.” Mike flashed a plastic smile. “When we spoke on the phone, you mentioned having questions about David’s will. Alex, I’ve got to be honest with you. I’m a little shocked to find out he changed it to include you.”

  His words hit me like a sucker punch to the gut. But I must have been a glutton for punishment because, without taking a breath to think it through, I blurted out, “Why?”

  I caught his eyes as they flicked from my chest to my face, where his gaze went from curiosity to pity. “Well—and I hope you don’t take
this the wrong way—it’s just that Claudia and I always figured he and Sarah would get back together. We’d been friends for years. All the way back to high school, for Christ’s sake. David and Sarah were the real deal. It came as a total shock when they split up, but for a while there, it seemed like they were well on their way to a reconciliation. And then—” He stopped and ran his hand along the back of his neck.

  Since I’d already opened the slippery can of worms, I pushed for more. “And then…?”

  “And then you happened.” Mike shifted in his chair. “He mentioned he was dating someone. But I didn’t realize your relationship had gotten so serious. From my perspective, marriage came out of left field. I was left scratching my head, trying to figure out how, or rather why, things progressed so quickly.”

  His words had me stunned into silence. My heart hammered behind my ribs. My fingers itched to rest over my empty womb. Obviously, David never mentioned the baby, and I had to wonder why. Why wouldn’t he tell his best friend we were expecting? And Sarah had to have known. Maddie knew. And neither of them told anyone either? Did Sarah think it would just go away if she didn’t talk about it? The familiar ache returned twofold.

  When I didn’t respond, he continued. “But as taken aback as Claudia and I were, it didn’t compare to Sarah’s reaction. She always thought he’d have his fun and come back. We all did. As you can imagine, we were… stunned to find out he’d gotten married. But even after that, I still expected him to come to his senses. I’m fairly certain Sarah felt the same way.”

  “Come to his senses?” It took everything in me to force myself to breathe, in and out, one measured breath at a time. Why is he telling me this? What purpose does it serve?

  He waved his hand. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

  “We’d been seeing each other for months.”

  Mike leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Forgive my bluntness. You’re young and beautiful. I’m sure he loved you in his own way, but you can’t compare a few months with the better part of two decades. Just be glad you still have your whole life ahead of you and nothing keeping you here. I’m sure Sarah’s family will take good care of Maddie. You can go back to sunny southern California and, as Brody says, hit the reset button and start over fresh.”

  My defenses screamed at me to retreat, but his attack had left me too dazed to think straight, so instead, I went on the offensive. “Were you aware Brody has been seeing Madison?”

  Something I said seemed to strike him as funny. A wide smile spread across his face, and he relaxed back into his chair. “She’s a lovely girl. My son has good taste.”

  “She’s just a kid—not even seventeen.”

  He winked, and I wanted to slap the smug smile from his lips. “She’s above the age of consent.”

  I’d let myself believe he didn’t know what his son was capable of, and here he was, gloating like a proud peacock. This time, I leaned in, pulling my hands from under my thighs to rest them on the table in front of me as I invaded his personal space. “He got her drunk and had sex with her while under the influence. Unprotected sex, I might add.”

  He made a choking sound. “I taught him better than that. The boy knows to use protection.”

  “Obviously not. And as far as I know, Michigan hasn’t legalized underage drinking yet.”

  The muscle in his jaw flexed, and he spoke through his teeth. “No, of course not. I’m assuming you have some sort of proof?”

  “I know what I saw. Maddie left with Brody and came home intoxicated, reeking of sex and liquor. Tell your son to stay away from her. If I see him anywhere near Maddie, I’ll call the police.”

  He steepled his fingers in front of him. “Alex, did you actually see my son providing Madison with either drugs or alcohol? Did she accuse him of something?” I reluctantly shook my head, and he smiled. “Well, there you have it. No harm done. It makes me sad to hear that my goddaughter isn’t holding it together since her parents passed. Another reason I wish David had come to his senses a bit sooner.”

  My muscles vibrated with tension. “Sooner?”

  “Isn’t it obvious? They had to have been together that day for a reason.”

  I buried my face in David’s favorite sweatshirt, hoping to breathe in even the slightest trace of him, but after several weeks of wearing it, I could only detect my own scent. I dragged it over my head, letting the soft fleece envelope my body like a warm embrace. These little things—his clothes, his personal belongings—they were all I had left of him. And after the day I’d had, I wanted nothing more than to lose myself in those insignificant pieces.

  I dug through the hamper, desperate to find something, anything, that still carried David’s scent. With a plain white T-shirt pressed to my nose, I heard soft footfalls in the hallway, and my head snapped up. “Maddie?”

  Even without seeing her, I could tell she’d frozen where she stood. “Yeah?”

  “Can you come in here, please?” I dropped the shirt to the pile and sat on the edge of the bed. The unexpected need to defend her against the Allens swelled in me again, and I suddenly wanted to share this moment with the only other person who could possibly feel the same level of grief as me.

  Maddie stepped into the open doorway but not all the way into the room. She wore the same bitter expression I’d come to expect from her. “What do you want?”

  I poked at a pair of red plaid boxers. “I, uh, was going through your dad’s stuff, and I thought maybe you’d like to help me.”

  “Yeah, okay.” She kept her eyes on the floor as she made her way to the bed and sat on the opposite side. She stared down at the pile I’d created and scrunched up her nose. “Is this his dirty laundry?”

  I couldn’t help laughing. “Yeah. Gross, huh? I just couldn’t bring myself to wash it… until now.”

  “I, um, I don’t want his dirty boxers.” She grinned. Not quite a full-blown smile, but I’d take it. “You can keep those.”

  “What about his watch? Or…” I pointed to the nightstand where his phone and iPod sat charging. “His iPod? I’m not quite ready to part with his phone but maybe after I have a chance to go through his pictures and stuff.”

  She hopped up, pulled the phone and the shiny silver MP3 player from their chargers, and climbed into his spot on the bed with them. I could almost imagine him sitting next to her, smiling over her shoulder like one of the pictures on Sarah’s living room wall.

  Chapter 13

  Maddie

  I pressed the power button on Dad’s phone and waited while it came to life. “Is it okay if I look through the pictures?”

  “Just don’t delete anything until I’ve had a chance to look.” Alex picked up a navy sweater and brought it to her face.

  Sitting in a pile of my dad’s dirty laundry with my stepmonster wouldn’t have made my list of “things to do before I die,” but I missed him so much, surrounding myself in his scent—all cough drops and the expensive cologne that smelled like new leather—made spending time with Alex seem almost worth it. And flipping through the pictures on his phone added a bonus round to the weird game we were playing.

  “Oh my God, I’d almost forgotten about this!” I highlighted the image of Mom and Dad from last Christmas—the one before Alex came into the metaphorical picture—and sent it to my phone. I’d been so sure they were one good kiss away from getting back together that day. The love in Mom’s eyes jumped off the screen. Not long after that, Dad started dating Alex.

  “What are you looking at?” Alex leaned over my shoulder, and I felt her stiffen. “Oh.” She jumped back to her own side of the bed.

  I almost said something snarky but held it. The woman had been sniffing my dad’s dirty clothes. “That was from before he met you.” I didn’t know why I felt the need to explain it, but I did.

  “It’s okay.” Her
smile wobbled, but it almost felt normal sitting there with her.

  A calendar reminder popped on the screen. Sonogram appointment Tuesday 2pm. Get Alex flowers.

  All the shitty things I’d said about the baby came back to haunt me. Dad would have wanted me to get to know my new brother or sister. No one said I had to particularly like his or her mother to do it. “Oh, hey, do you still have the sonogram thing tomorrow? I could… I dunno, maybe I could go with you? I’ve never seen a bun in the oven before. It might be kinda cool.”

  Alex slid her eyes in my direction, and the frostiness from before came back. “No. I don’t have the thing anymore.”

  Cryptic much? “Oh, okay. Well, maybe next time. I think I’d like to go next time you have a doctor thing. You know, take an interest in my new baby, whatever it is?”

  “That’s really not necessary.” Unexpected hostility oozed out of her as she balled up a blue pinstripe dress shirt and tossed it into the whites she’d separated out of the laundry.

  I kept my eyes trained on the phone. “I know it’s not necessary, and I know what I said before, but I’d really like to.”

  “I said, no.” She barely whispered the words, but it felt as if she’d slapped me. We sat quietly on opposite sides of the mattress with a dwindling pile of laundry between us. Then she blew out a breath. “But it’s nice of you to offer.”

  A sudden urge to understand what my dad saw in her hit me, and I clicked the calendar, bringing up the entire month. Just about every day had some sort of entry, mostly work stuff, but there were a few personal things scattered in between. And then I saw it. Well, more than one actually. In fact, Dad had marked off several blocks as Sarah. I paged back to January—to the day they’d both gotten into Dad’s car and driven off together—and there it was in bold letters. Mom’s name. My eyes snapped up to Alex’s face as the realization sank in. She had no idea.