All. Get over it, she thought. Who is all? Just the Barbies. You’re not Hannah. No one else sniggers at you. You’re invisible but you’re not a joke. But maybe the Barbies were all that mattered. And if the Barbies did something to humiliate her here in front of all their peers then she would become a joke. Another Hannah. Maybe she should just text Aiden now. Maybe she should just—
‘Bex!’
She looked up. A hand waved from the kitchen and then Natasha was worming her way through the people talking and drinking in the corridor and grabbing her. ‘Isn’t it great? Mark’s mum even left a load of food and booze. Come on!’ There was no going back now.
She took her coat off in the kitchen, nodding hellos at people and keeping a wary eye out for Hayley and Jenny as Natasha made them both strong vodka and cranberry drinks.
‘Cheers!’ They clinked plastic glasses. ‘Here’s to being alive.’
As she drank – too fast, needing the hit for confidence – Becca thought Tasha had never looked better than she did now, so soon after being nearly dead. Her skin glowed even under the bronzer she’d dusted herself with, glittering like stardust over her bare arms and neck. She was slim and perfect in her skinny jeans and silver strappy sequinned top. She made Becca feel like a rugby player. She looked down at her comfy Doc Martens and then at Natasha’s four-inch cream stiletto heels. Had they really been best friends? How? How much could two people change?
‘So glad you could come.’ Close in, Natasha smelled of perfume and bubblegum. Becca no doubt reeked of cigarettes. ‘You can save me from Mark. He’s starting to piss me off. How many times do I have to say no? And don’t you think it’s strange to want to go out with a girl more just because she drowned? He should go out with Hayley. She really fancies him.’
‘Where is Hayley?’ She tried to keep her voice light but her eyes scanned the party-goers warily.
‘Oh, she and Jenny have gone to get some fun. They’ll be back in a minute. Come on, let’s dance.’
Becca had never felt less like dancing, so she necked the vodka and poured herself one so strong the cranberry was barely a pink trace through it before following Tasha towards the music. So far, the ‘dancing’ was just five or six girls swaying in time to the beat while laughing and talking, and they flung their arms round Tasha’s neck and made space for her. Then one of them, Vicki Springer, who’d been at the auditions, did the same to Becca.
‘Becca! If you know who Mr Jones is casting, then feel free to share! Or better still, if you can find out which one of us he’d fuck, I’ll pay to know!’ Her eyes were glazed drunk. She must have arrived at the party early. ‘He’s totally up for it. You can tell. The way he is around us – he’s gagging to get into a teenager.’
‘Maybe he’d let us share him,’ Jodie added. They all squealed and with booze buzzing her brain, Becca laughed along, agreeing how hot Mr Jones was and how they’d all like to bone him even though she didn’t think that at all and she couldn’t imagine cheating on Aiden with anyone. They fluttered around her wanting details about him as if Becca had a special ‘in’ by doing the stage sets. Maybe she did, but maybe that was because she was the only one not trying to get into his trousers.
It was still funny, though, she thought, her eyes darting about the room. All the boys were dicking around loudly but secretly watching the girls dance, and all the girls were thinking about fucking someone so much older than them. Her head spun slightly and she laughed for no reason, swaying along with the rest of the pack. She was a stoner, not a drinker, and the vodka was going straight to her head. She was in the hive. She was part of the buzz. That made her laugh a bit more.
Mark appeared from nowhere and grabbed at Natasha. She started to shake him off, but he leaned closer and whispered something in her ear. She nodded and then took Becca’s hand. ‘Come on. They’re back.’ It felt strange having Tasha’s warm, slim fingers wrapped around hers. She felt ten years old again, off on an adventure with her best friend forever. It was like a weird dream where the past had melted into the present, making everything surreal. She felt both at home and out of place. The latter took over as the door to the den closed behind her, cramming her in with the Barbies and some of the boys.
‘So,’ Hayley said to Becca as Jenny collected money from the seven or so teenagers gathered. ‘You in? If so, we’ll need some cash. Jenny’s saving for Uni. No freebies.’ Her eyes were fixed on Becca.
‘Like Jenny’s getting into any Uni.’ Mark snickered. ‘Little Miss Maths Retake.’
‘I’ve paid for a gram,’ Natasha said, ‘so Becca can have some of mine if she wants. Don’t be such a bitch.’ It was said light-heartedly but Becca was sure she saw Hayley flinch a little. ‘The same goes for you, Mark. Jenny’s cleverer than you think.’
Hayley hadn’t taken her cool eyes from Becca throughout the conversation, although at this her gaze flicked over to Jenny and then Natasha and then landed back on Becca.
‘Do you want some or not?’ she asked.
‘What is it? Mandy or coke?’ Becca asked.
‘Mandy,’ Jenny said, tucking the wedge of notes into her wallet. ‘Top shit. It will blow your cares away.’ She took out a packet of Rizlas and passed them to the boys, who had already started undoing their wrap. ‘Bomb it, don’t snort it, though. Better buzz. Lasts longer, too. And you won’t spend the next half an hour thinking your nose is on fire.’
‘Staying friends with that dealer your mum dated is the best thing you ever did,’ Hayley said drily.
As the boys began tipping the glittering white powder carefully onto the cigarette papers, Becca looked down at their own wrap on the coffee table, the weight of the Barbies’ eyes on her. ‘Sure. Why not?’
Natasha let out a small whoop. ‘Let’s get this party started.’
‘Are you sure you should?’ Becca asked, immediately hating herself for sounding so sensible. ‘You know, after everything.’
‘I’m physically fine,’ Natasha said.
‘Yeah, you are.’ Mark winked, tossed the bomb of paper containing the drugs into his mouth and swallowed it down with some beer.
Natasha glanced at Becca and rolled her eyes. Hayley’s perfect jaw tightened slightly. Jenny glanced from one friend to the other as she sorted the drugs. Was this a rift in the Barbie camp? Becca wondered. Over an idiot like Mark Pritchard?
‘Here you go,’ Jenny said, four twists of Rizla sitting on her palm. ‘They’re all the same so take your pick.’
Becca took a deep breath as they waited. So it was going to be her first. What was this, some kind of test? Of course it was. Everything in the hive was a test. She picked up one of the bombs. How bad could it be? Not as bad as looking like a twat in front of the school cool gang. She put it in her mouth, wondering if there was a way she could tuck it into her cheek or something and not actually swallow it. There wasn’t. Fuck it, she thought. Here we go. She lifted her glass and took a long drink, washing the makeshift pill down.
She stared defiantly at Hayley. ‘Let’s get this party started.’
*
By midnight, she was flying. It had started slowly. As the paper dissolved in her stomach and the drug began to hit her bloodstream, there was a tingle and then a sudden surge of heat and brightness. Her heart beat faster. For a nanosecond, Becca thought, I’m not sure I like this, and then that was carried away on a wave of bliss. The music pumped through her, each beat making her throb with pleasure. Natasha was dancing but Becca was content just to watch everyone. This wasn’t her scene. She was happy to be invisible.
In the kitchen she grabbed another vodka. Hayley and Jenny were deep in conversation in the corner of the room, blonde heads bent towards each other. They looked over at Becca and even through the haze of the drug’s buzz she could see their dislike. Was it dislike? Wariness? Something. She grinned at them like an idiot, unable to stop herself, as they came over to her. If only
they could be friends. If only they could—
‘What do you want, Becca?’ Hayley said quietly.
‘What has she said to you?’ Jenny joined in. She chewed her bottom lip as they waited for Becca’s response. Becca grinned some more. At least, she thought it was a grin. Her jaw had clenched, so she could have been gurning like a loon at them for all she knew.
‘You guys are so beautiful,’ she said. ‘I mean, really. Even without all the fake shit like make-up and stuff. You really are.’
‘Are you taking the piss?’ Hayley said.
Becca frowned. Hayley’s eyes were sharp. So were Jenny’s. How come they weren’t off their tits like she was?
‘What’s going on?’ she asked. ‘What’s the matter with you two?’
They looked at each other, a silent glance of perfect communication.
‘Don’t worry about it.’ Jenny pulled Hayley away, leaving Becca alone. Barbies. She would never understand them. Suddenly she missed Aiden. Not so much missed as wanted to see him desperately. To wrap herself around him and trap them in their world of two forever. She loved him. She loved him so so much. They were soulmates. Meant to be. Hayley and Jenny could look down on her as much as they liked. She had Aiden. No one else mattered. Not even Natasha.
She pulled out her phone and sent him a text with slightly sweaty fingers to see if he was nearly done working, and then grabbed her coat and went out into the cold night for a cigarette, leaving the front door on the snib so she could get back in.
The drug had made her hot and the crisp air was refreshing. She sat on the step and sucked in the smoke, eyes on the stars above. The night was clear and by morning the slush and snow would have frozen into treacherous ice. She could still hear the thump of music and noise from inside, but it felt a world away from the quiet of the night. All the other smokers were in the back garden with easy access to the kitchen and drinks, and Becca thought this moment could sum up her entire school experience. Always just on the outside of everything.
She smiled. It didn’t bother her. She loved them all right now, anyway. All their attempts to be cool and fit in and be perfect. They were the same really. They were her peers, her classmates, and she loved them.
Her phone buzzed. Aiden. He’d pick her up in ten minutes. Her smile stretched to a grin and her joy at the thought of seeing him sent another rush of drugged pleasure through her, making her shiver. Whatever it was, it was good shit. All the mellow of being stoned but with a clarity of perception. A pureness of emotion. So much warmth. She liked it. Maybe Aiden could score them some and they could do it together. And then they could do it together. She giggled aloud at her own joke.
‘What’s so funny?’
Becca turned to see Natasha pulling the door to behind her.
‘Nothing. Just thinking silly thoughts.’
‘Good shit, isn’t it?’ Tasha said, sitting beside Becca on the step. Her pupils were dark and wide, black holes eating up the universe of her irises.
‘Yeah.’ Becca held out her cigarettes and Tasha shook her head. Despite having just put one out, Becca lit a second. The smoke felt good. It enhanced her rush. ‘You do it a lot?’
‘No. Just felt like letting go tonight.’
‘Don’t blame you.’
‘How come you’re out here?’
‘Waiting for Aiden,’ she answered. It wasn’t why she’d come out into the quiet, but it would do as an explanation.
‘Going already?’
‘Yeah, I’ve got shit to do tomorrow. Thanks for asking me, though – it’s been fun.’ She paused. ‘Even if Hayley and Jenny didn’t want me here.’
Natasha’s face darkened and she let out a long breath, mist in the night. ‘They can be strange, but they’ve been nice over the past few days, like guard dogs around me – normal again.’
‘How do you mean?’ Becca watched her. ‘You guys not been getting on?’
Natasha shrugged. ‘I’m not really sure. It’s just been odd.’ She squeezed Becca’s arm. ‘But everything that’s happened has made me look at things differently. I guess it’s why I wanted your friendship back. I just . . . It’s hard to explain. I thought of you when I woke up and knew I needed to make amends for being such a bitch.’
‘Don’t worry about it,’ Becca said. She actually meant it, too. Maybe it was the mandy, maybe it was that Tasha had nearly died, or maybe it was just too much water under the bridge. ‘We’ve grown up very different. We were probably always destined to go our separate ways. And you and Hayley and Jenny, well, you know. You were always going to be close.’
Natasha shrugged and looked down at her shoes. ‘I suppose so. But we all change. Sometimes I think . . . I don’t know. They . . .’
A car turned into the road and crawled towards them, the driver trying to spot the house numbers in the dark.
‘That’s Aiden.’ Becca got to her feet. But then she frowned and turned back. ‘They what?’
‘Oh, nothing. I’m just being stupid. I’m drunk. High. I’d better go back inside, anyway.’ She held out her hand and Becca pulled her up. ‘My adoring fans will wonder where I’ve got to. Well, Mark will, anyway.’ She pulled a vom face and they both grinned. ‘I’ve left him with Hayley. Maybe she’ll make a move and save me.’
‘He’s not so bad,’ Becca said. ‘You’re too hard on him.’ Aiden pulled up to the kerb and flashed his headlights. Becca waved and then turned to hug Tasha.
‘Thanks again.’
‘Enjoy the rest of your night,’ Tasha said with a wink. She looked towards the car. ‘I saw Aiden yesterday. He’s so different now. Like, all grown-up. What’s the score with you two? Is it a proper love thing?’
Becca nodded. ‘Yeah. Yeah, it really is.’
Tasha grinned. ‘Cool. Go fuck his brains out.’
As they both giggled, Tasha leaned past Becca and waved.
‘Laters,’ Becca said and darted down the path.
‘Laters!’ Tasha called after her.
*
Aiden’s car was melted-chocolate hot as Becca slid across the passenger seat to kiss him. She held his face with her cold hands and pushed her tongue into his mouth, the warm, wet sensation making her rush all over again. Drugs were awesome. Maybe they were bad but they were pretty fucking awesome, too.
‘Slow down, you nympho,’ he said, laughing and pushing her off him. ‘Let’s get away from here first.’
Becca slumped back against her seat, grinning, then took the half-smoked joint from the ashtray between them and lit it.
‘Good party?’
‘It was pretty cool.’ The weed and mandy made for a good combination. Street lights swirled in the darkness, tracing across her vision as the car moved away.
Aiden glanced at her. ‘You and Natasha looked pretty cosy.’
She shrugged. What was it to him? She frowned, distracted for a moment from the pleasantness of the thrills in her body and the streaking lights outside.
‘You never said you’d seen Natasha.’
‘She and her mum came to Jamie’s house. I didn’t see them, really – took them some drinks and then fucked off back to the studio.’
Becca stared out at the night. Even with the mellow love drug in her system she felt a pang of jealousy. He liked Natasha first. She’d come after. She was second prize.
Aiden reached over and poked her playfully in the side, making her cough out a lungful of scented smoke. ‘Don’t go getting weird on me over this. I have no interest in shallow little Natasha.’
‘She’s not so bad,’ Becca said.
‘Give her time to get back to normal.’ He took the stub of the joint from her and finished it, throwing the roach out into the night. ‘Then you’ll change your mind.’
‘I think it’s Hayley and Jenny,’ she said. ‘I think they’ve changed her.’
‘Or s
he changed them.’
Becca said nothing. She didn’t really want to defend Tasha too much in case Aiden suddenly fell in love with her all over again. She almost laughed at her own exaggeration. He’d never been in love with Tasha – he’d hardly known her, just asked her out once a long time ago. Get some perspective, Crisp, she told herself. And calm the fuck down. But Natasha was hot, there was no doubt about it. And perhaps Aiden sometimes thought of that hotness when he was sliding between Becca’s legs.
‘Maybe,’ she said, twisting sideways so she could look at him and pulling her knees up under her chin as best she could within the constraints of her seat belt. She didn’t want to think about Natasha. They were being friendly again. She mustn’t let her own paranoia fuck that up. ‘Who cares, anyway.’
‘Exactly.’
‘You are so beautiful,’ she said, the words surging up from her heart and out through her mouth. ‘You really really are. I mean, so handsome. Like a painting.’ She giggled at herself and Aiden joined in.
‘I love you so much,’ she said. ‘I really do. You’re amazing.’
He studied her for a second and then she saw the realisation dawn on him. ‘Your eyes are fucked,’ he said. ‘What are you on?’
‘Nothing really. Just a bit of Mandy.’
‘Who gave you that?’
‘Jenny had some. I didn’t buy it – Tasha offered me a bomb. Rude not to take it.’ She suddenly felt slightly defensive, like she was in a conversation with her parents.
‘Got any left?’ he asked, eventually.
She shook her head. ‘It wasn’t mine.’ He was so handsome and he was hers. She wanted to suffocate in him. ‘Is your mum out tonight?’ she asked.
‘I don’t know. Maybe. She didn’t tell me her plans. Why?’
She stretched like a cat, her legs falling open slightly and her top riding up against her bare stomach. ‘I want to make some noise,’ she purred. She felt sexy. She felt alive. She saw the dip in his throat as Aiden swallowed hard. It made her feel powerful. He wanted her. Not Tasha. Only her. Her hand reached over to his thigh and, watching him, her fingers traced and teased until they brushed over the crotch of his jeans. He pressed her hand down onto the hardness there.
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