by Nikki Duncan
Sweat damped Josh’s hairline. It dripped along the back of Aimee’s neck and in between her breasts that were growing heavier by the moment. Arousal and a looming need to nurse were almost too much. She was sure she would start leaking any instant.
Josh’s fingers dug into her hips. She reached behind her and dug hers into his thighs. Nearer and nearer the cliff’s edge to release loomed. Then, capturing her gaze and not blinking, he slammed into her, pressed against her G-spot, and jumped over the ledge with her.
Ecstasy suffused her body—fiber, muscle and tendon—and weakened her into a pile of mush. The release of letdown flooded her senses with such raw pleasure she no longer cared if she soaked the nursing pads and bra. Motherhood wasn’t always sexy, but as she collapsed onto Josh’s chest, content to feel the beat of his heart, its echo through her own, she didn’t think he found it repulsive.
Chapter Six
Josh brushed Aimee’s choppy bangs off her forehead and studied her face as she relaxed in sleep. She’d been free during sex and only slightly awkward when she’d pumped when Kendall slept through her expected feeding.
After another round of remarkable orgasms and a shower they’d settled against each other. Her muscles had gone lax shortly after, but more than that her mind seemed to have finally settled. Only after she’d gone still and quiet had he been able to attempt to process being with her and having a daughter. He’d been attempting to process for over an hour.
Coming back to Whispering Cove to perform and write had seemed simple. Good ideas even. The thought of seeing Aimee had held promises of easy fun, which was something he’d always been up for. Been up for until he’d lost his taste for it. Lost his taste after leaving her.
The real truth hadn’t occurred until he’d seen her in the kitchen of the bar, heard her tell him how she’d changed and felt the shaft of pain that accompanied her claim they couldn’t pick up where they’d left off. The part of himself that needed a complication-free life told him to walk away. The other part, the part that wanted the complications that came with family, had lifted one foot and then the next to carry him back to her.
If he’d accepted her refusal…
If he hadn’t returned to see her…
If he’d allowed expectations reign…
He’d have missed the glimpses of how Aimee had changed. He’d never have known about Kendall.
As if she felt someone thinking about her, Kendall cried out in the next room. The baby monitor on the bedside table amplified the already close call. Aimee shifted against him. Reaching over to turn off the monitor with one hand, Josh quieted Aimee by brushing her temple and shushing softly. When she settled back into sleep, which she did instantly and with a small sigh, he eased out from under her. Grabbing and stepping into his jeans as he went, he padded to Kendall’s room.
In the baby’s room, he turned on the small lamp on the dresser. When he again saw the decor Aimee had chosen his chest tightened. She’d had no reason to think they would ever be more than a fling, yet even when she’d thought he wouldn’t be around she’d included him in their daughter’s life.
Kendall cried out again. It wasn’t loud or particularly demanding, but she clearly conveyed her hey-I’m-ready-for-attention.
“I hear you.” Josh was smiling as he moved to the crib. Kendall settled almost immediately and damn if his chest didn’t tighten a bit more.
With wide-eyed wonderment she stared up at him. Thanks to his siblings he wasn’t a complete stranger to babies, and he’d wondered more than once what infants were thinking when they looked up at him with an oddly blank familiarity.
Did they automatically trust everyone to take care of them? Were they innately suspicious? Did they think everyone looked like an alien with a big head and one eye?
“Is it time for your midnight snack?” He lifted Kendall into his arms. She cooed as he moved to the changing table.
“I bet you want changed first.” It wasn’t a skill he advertised to his fans, but he could change a diaper with the best of them. His sister and sister-in-law never let his stardom stand in the way of a smelly baby butt. He may have a passable voice as they put it, but he was just Josh. And Josh the brother and uncle didn’t get a poop pass.
In Kendall’s room, with her wiggling in his arms, he was reduced again to a man. His status as a singer, songwriter and entertainer shrank away, because the infant he held only cared about three things. None of which she could take care of for herself.
Could he comfort her, change her, feed her?
“Two out of three isn’t too bad, is it, Kendall?” Hearing Aimee speak their daughter’s name had been one thing. Saying it himself, knowing how much Aimee had to know about him to know the importance of naming their daughter Kendall… He swallowed.
“Kendall.” He whispered her name and pressed a kiss to her forehead while tears pressed at his eyelids. Her baby powder and lavender scent slipped into him. On Aimee the combination was sexy. On Kendall, on the baby carrying his dead sister’s name, it was a sweet heartbreak.
Telling himself he’d long ago grieved himself out of tears, Josh was a little surprised when he reached up to wipe a few off his cheek. He’d been on stage in a rundown bar, playing for a whopping fifteen people, when his sister had been killed. He’d felt her death as clearly as he would have if he’d been struck by the car himself.
His heart had stopped.
His lungs had seized.
His knees had trembled.
His daughter reached out for him. Her tiny fingers brushed his cheek and damn if it didn’t weaken him much like losing his sister had. Then it had been grief. Now it was love.
His knees trembled.
His heard stopped.
“You’re already as dangerous as your mother.” She was barely five months old, but he’d missed a lifetime of moments. Babies changed daily and while he accepted missing those changes in his nieces and nephews, he couldn’t accept it with his own kid. He brushed his cheek against Kendall’s and sighed. “Who we should probably get you to.”
Laying Kendall on the changing table, Josh experienced a shock of separation anxiety. He didn’t know this baby, but not holding her felt as wrong as holding her felt right.
He changed her quickly, refastened the snaps on her pajamas and then scooped her close. The instant she snuggled into his chest he felt what he imagined his brother and sister felt when they held their kids.
Peace. Fear. Excitement. Dread.
It was a moment of profound realization because Kendall was completely dependent upon him to make sure she got what she needed. Walking down the hall to Aimee was an easy solution. Many men would pass off the baby and keep walking. Most people would expect him to do just that.
For a man who made his living on the road, a man who had never bothered getting a home of his own, the sensation was a dangerous one. He had commitments, contracts and fans that made staying in one place long term near impossible, especially for the next several months. He also had a little girl in his arms who made him want to ignore all those promises.
“How did I not know about you?” Aimee had said she’d called, left messages. Why hadn’t he gotten them since she’d had his personal cell number? And if messages as important as Aimee and Kendall were being kept from him he couldn’t help wonder what else he didn’t know about.
Walking the short distance back to Aimee’s room, something that seemed so normal and easy, something he might have done before now if he’d had a clue, settled heavily on his shoulders. Understanding Aimee’s logic for not trying more when he didn’t call did not make it okay that he didn’t know about Kendall.
He gritted his teeth against the building irritation. He’d deserved to know about his daughter. Now that he did, he would know her and be involved in her life. And whoever had blocked Aimee from getting to him would be dealt with.
Aimee stood by the bed tying the belt of her robe when he stepped into her room. A cloth diaper rested on her shoulder. She p
ulled the right side of her bottom lip between her teeth and watched him. Unlike before when they’d been in Kendall’s room she no longer seemed anxious to fill every moment with chatter. Now she appeared nervous as hell.
“I changed her.” He cradled Kendall in the crook of his left arm and traced his right index finger along her lip. She immediately pursed her mouth and reached for his finger. “I think it’s safe to say I can’t feed her.”
“I could make up a bottle.” Her offer came quietly and without her releasing her lip. If nerves weren’t getting her, fear was. She was trying to pacify him because she no doubt worried he was going to become difficult. Nothing he said would ease her mind, so he would show her.
“I don’t think she wants to wait that long.” Josh pulled his finger from Kendall’s mouth to pass her to Aimee. As soon as his finger was free she began fussing. And when he passed her to her mom, like the moment in the nursery when he’d put her on the changing table, a sense of loss struck him. His arms felt empty.
How in touring hell could he leave her behind and focus on work? How could he find pleasure in performing when he knew what he was missing?
Aimee took Kendall and settled Indian style against the headboard. She grabbed one of the extra pillows, put it in her lap and then nestled Kendall on the cushion. After spreading the cloth over Kendall’s shoulder and tummy, Aimee opened her robe and unhooked the flap of her nursing bra.
Kendall immediately began nursing. Aimee dropped her head and sighed a long sigh that sounded like pure pleasure.
She’d sounded the same way during orgasm. Hearing it now had him wondering how much of her relief had been sexual and how much had been letdown. It didn’t matter, because in the moments following the joy of ecstasy when he’d realized she didn’t feel the need to hide or run and change, that she felt comfortable enough to be un-embarrassed by her leaking breasts, he’d been filled with rapture. He felt the same way now.
Josh had never thought a basic human need could be sexy, but the raw emotion in the connection between mother and daughter, their ability to care about nothing beyond their circle of contentment, reached beyond sexy to breathtakingly stunning. Then Aimee looked at him, watched him watch her, and his stomach flopped to the floor.
“You’re welcome to sit with us.” Seven syllables simply stated, her words offered the kind of welcome that came from going home. Except Aimee wasn’t his home.
He joined them on the bed, but instead of sitting against the headboard like Aimee, he sat where he could face her and watch Kendall nurse. The part of him that valued family warred with the part of him that kept things light to accommodate his lifestyle.
“You seem pretty comfortable with this,” Aimee said.
“With you nursing?” He shrugged. “My sister and sister-in-law never worried about hiding when they nursed. I learned not to see their boobs as sex organs. Can’t say I look at you like I do them, but nursing is nursing.”
She freed her lip and awarded him with a smile. “Is that how you know how to change a diaper? Being an uncle?”
“Doesn’t matter how many albums I sell, my family still sees me as Josh. When I’m home that means free babysitting.”
Her chuckle was gentle, but it warmed the air between them. “Sounds like your family keeps you pretty well grounded.”
“By exploiting my weakness for them.” Silence eased into the place where easy conversation had been. Aimee caressed Kendall’s cheek. Kendall nursed. Josh watched in amazement. They didn’t speak again until Kendall finished eating and Aimee righted her clothes.
“You want me to put her back in her crib?”
“I normally do. Too many horror stories about mom’s suffocating their babies, I guess.”
He reached for Kendall, but Aimee shook her head. He froze, wondering if he’d done or said something to make her doubt him. When he met her gaze he didn’t find insecurity or censure. Instead he was met with warmth and generosity. “We can keep her here. It’s a cold night and her room can get chilly.”
The whole town was damn near arctic with the falling snow and a cold ass breeze coming off the water, but Josh didn’t point that out. He instead nodded and as easily as if they’d done it many times before, he and Aimee moved the pillows and covers away from the middle of the bed and settled Kendall. Then they each took up a spot on either side, facing in, bracketing their daughter protectively.
He had to find a way to have more of these moments.
The town and bar below had long ago gone quiet. Fat snowflakes landed against the window before sliding down. It was the beginning of what he’d heard would be an amazing snowfall. Preferring the warmer temperatures he wasn’t in a real hurry to get out in it. Being in bed with two stunning women was all the more reason not to go anywhere.
He brushed the back of his index finger against Kendall’s cheek. She sighed and turned her head toward him. His sister had always responded to the gesture in the same way. Was it genetic?
“What made you pick the name Kendall?”
Aimee sucked her lip between her teeth again and regarded him for several long heartbeats. When she finally spoke, her tone was shadowed with doubt.
“I told you I wanted her to know you. That meant I needed to know you.” She rubbed the sheet between her and Kendall and studied him closely. “I found an old interview online where you talked about the influences on your music.”
He remembered that interview. It had been during the promo tour for his debut album. “I mentioned Kendall.”
“You said ‘My family.’ Then you paused and went somewhere in your mind before saying ‘And Kendall, who always believed in me, but will never see what I become.’” Aimee shrugged. “I didn’t have to know who Kendall was to see how much you loved her. I hoped I was honoring a pleasant memory with my choice.”
He rubbed a hand over his neck. Thoughts of his twin popped into mind all the time, but he never talked about her outside his family home. Those stories were always accidental by-products of another one, because remembering the loss of Kendall was too painful for their mother.
“She…” He cleared his voice and started over. “Kendall used to tell me I’d make it big and that people would smile when they listened to my music.”
Aimee’s throat bounced. Empathy shone in her gaze.
“She believed in me before I believed in myself. She convinced me to shoot for a career in music and was my loudest cheerleader.” His eyes, overly dry because he didn’t blink when he thought of Kendall, burned. Blinking meant moisture and moisture meant crying. If he started crying his heart would shatter again and he couldn’t stand that pain.
“You were close.”
“She was my twin and my best friend.” He nodded. “We were pretty much inseparable.”
The baby sleeping between them looked exactly like the pictures of his twin at the same age. He could close his eyes and imagine what Kendall would look like at every stage of her life. At least until her mid-twenties.
“Josh.” Aimee’s finger halted over the mattress. Poised in the air it shook until her entire hand shook up to her wrist. “I-I’m so sorry.”
“She was running late to a gig she’d booked for me.” Aimee’s obvious sympathy and revisiting the memory gripped his heart in a firm fist. His stomach knotted. He’d started. He had to finish, because Aimee needed to know who she’d named their daughter after.
“Someone ran a red light. I was miles away, mid-song, but I knew. I knew the instant she saw the impending crash. I knew her fear. I knew a flash later she was gone.” He smiled, but it wasn’t a humorous or happy smile. It was a sad one. “That was the worst day of my life and in a way the best. I lost my greatest friend, but she’d left me one last gift.”
“What gift?”
“She’d invited a record producer to that gig and despite my breakdown on the stage he offered to sign me.”
“And you’ve been singing for her ever since.”
He raised his gaze to Aimee’s
and saw the truth of her words in a new light. He hadn’t allowed himself to think about it, because when he did he felt guilty for the good that had come from the tragic, but Kendall had walked with him onto every stage and into every recording studio. He’d never mentioned her in another interview, but he’d never been without her. “Yeah. I guess I have.”
“Josh, if I had known who Kendall was…” She trailed off and shook her head.
He shook his too. “If you’d known, you would have picked a different name, because you’d be worried about hurting me.” His smile became more genuine as he looked down at Kendall. “If your goal was to give our daughter a connection to the family you thought she might never know, you couldn’t have chosen a more perfect namesake.”
That she would have given him so much consideration when she had no reason to think he’d be involved was just one more example of why he’d been drawn to her during the Fall Festival. In his crazy world, she’d offered a glimpse of normality and stability. She’d shared the blessing of her kindness and that had touched his heart profoundly.
Chapter Seven
Kendall had wiggled nearer Josh as he’d brushed a finger along her cheek. They’d both drifted to sleep and it struck Aimee that as much as she’d thought her daughter looked like him, she’d never looked more like him than she did sharing the quiet of slumber at his side.
Awakening slowly, Aimee’s abs and heart contracted. She’d dreamed of Kendall getting to meet Josh, of him wanting her. Her most optimistic dreams hadn’t gone as smoothly as last night.
Seeing the bond that formed quickly, witnessing his softness that seemed instinctual, she still found herself afraid to hope for permanence. For Kendall. For herself.
Aimee opened her eyes and found a line of pillows where Josh had been. Fear, irrational as it may be, set in and had Aimee wondering if she’d read too much into what had happened between them.