I let my left hand grace my collarbone as I thought of how splendid it would be to wake up and realize that it had all fallen into place—the man I was supposed to marry was mine, our love was special, our apartment beautiful, and the way I felt when he looked at me: unmistakable. One day, that could be. I looked down at my dress. I danced around and around in a circle. This would be me. I was her now. The only time I could let go of Milan and be anyone. Today, I was the bride I always wanted to be.
That’s when the shoot really began. That’s how all my shoots began.
Twelve hours, two mocha lattes, and a huge deli sandwich later, Henri met me once more with two double kisses. “Milan, princess, you have stunned me. Everything is beyond my expectations.”
“Thank you.” I gave him a long hug. He made me believe. The kind of love that I thought throughout today’s shoot, I could have with Noel.
“Trust me, everyone will be very, very happy.” I could do nothing but stare. Out of all the photographers I’d ever worked with, he easily became my favorite. He kissed my hand. I took a bow.
“This could be the best day of my life,” I said. He laughed.
Like that, he sent me off in the elevator on the ride down to my reality (or destiny).
On my way over to the car, I noticed Sierra had texted me around 4 p.m. “Coming over tonight?” I’d just spent 12 hours as Mrs. Noel. I couldn’t go back into hiding, not tonight. I was convinced it was time to put it all on the line. I had to, if I was ever to become a Mrs. I had taken a picture of the gorgeous pink diamond we used for the last scene in the shoot. That pink diamond seemed to have my name on it. On the way home, I rolled the window all the way down. I wanted the breeze of the city on my face.
For some reason, the oddest thing came across my mind. I couldn’t stop laughing. Last week, my grandpapa and I were engaged in a conversation about clothes. He went off on the strangest tangent about dungarees. It reminded me of something from the Outback. Kangaroos and dungarees—it was just hysterical. I kept telling him to stop calling jeans dungarees. He asked me if it was dangerous. I mean, what did he even mean by that? It was all just silly! He refused to stop. And I refused to hold my laughter. His stubbornness reminded me a little of Noel.
The car stopped. I took a deep breath. I could feel the sweat on the palm of my hands. The car door opened. It was then that I saw Merek. Part of me felt secretly happy in a way. I remember feeling really weird about him.
It felt like maybe we were meant to be. How could he be standing there, today of all days? I took a few steps toward him. Then his lips parted into that cute Jughead smile. I did an about-face. “Unbelievable,” I said. The car had just pulled off.
I could feel him standing right behind me. I wondered how long I could stand there like that. Of course it occurred to me he was probably calling my name. It would only make me look crazy to stand there, afraid to turn around.
So slowly I soaked in his appearance. He was wearing the blue thermal shirt I bought him for Christmas. I looked into his eyes. The pain was so sudden. “Merek, this is not a good time.”
“Milan.” He gently took hold of my hands. “I don’t know what I have done. I … I just need to know. Can you forgive me? Can we be together?”
In that moment, it seemed like I almost loved him again. Warm tears almost left my eyes. I just couldn’t love him and Noel. I was trying to be a good girl. To do the right thing. I couldn’t give up, or I would wonder why I loved Noel so much. How could you love someone like that and it not be meant to be?
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“What did I do?” Merek asked.
“Nothing. I’m just not the same, sweetheart.” I slapped my hand to my mouth. That ‘sweetheart’ slipped out. He walked away from me for a moment. He turned his back and grabbed his hair. “I want to be friends for now.” I walked over to him and gave him a hug from behind. He turned to me and I gave him a kiss on the cheek. Then I squeezed his hand. There was something in his eyes. A look I knew. A fear that we would never be. A small part of me felt it too. I didn’t want to confront goodbye anymore. It was so confusing.
I stood there on Park Avenue, holding Merek’s hand. In my heart all I wanted was to see if Noel and I could be together. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Loving Noel was so hard and kind of cruel. The way he pretended he didn’t love me too. I guess I loved it way more than I hated it. And I couldn’t sleep in another stolen hotel room!
It was then I thought of the helmet-wearing Henri. The way he made me feel was like I had a kind of magic. If no guy could say no, then Noel couldn’t say no. “Is it okay?” I asked.
“This is like torture. I never thought you could make me feel this way. I hate you but I love you,” Merek said.
“I’m not perfect … I never was,” I said. Merek let go of my hand.
I lightly graced my collarbone with my left hand. I felt the tight corset of the strapless white wedding gown covered in white gardenias. On set I was fearless, I was the lead. Like the head lioness of a pride. I touched Merek’s face. “Friends.” I brushed his hair back away from his face back into place.
“Every girlfriend I ever have will never be you. And I will want her to be you. I want you!”
“If we are meant to be, we will find each other again. But I might be meant for another. And you too.”
“This was all cool. Now you dumped me. Who are you?” I walked away. I was doing it so I wouldn’t hurt him, so I thought. I took a peek at my picture of that pink ring. It was the only thing fueling my courage to walk away.
Once upstairs, I walked straight pass Edna with a quick wave. It seemed like I practically glided to Noel’s door. I opened the door and walked in. I didn’t look directly at him. Heck, I didn’t ask for permission to come in. Too bad. I shut the door. I kept my back to him while I thought. My mind was blank! So I searched my heart. This could be my only chance. Remember that, I reminded myself.
“You should be loving me,” I said.
“Like your boyfriend?” Noel said.
“What?”
“Dimitri, who hasn’t even said hello since I’ve been here, just told me you were downstairs with your boyfriend.”
“We broke up. And your girlfriend? The hippie with Pocahontas braids?”
“What do you know about that? … Why do you care?”
“I came for you twice. You never came for me once. You’re here now and you haven’t come for me.”
“Grow up, Milan.”
I slapped him. I didn’t really know what had come over me. That surely was not the way to get him back, but I didn’t care. He grabbed my arm. I was a little startled. He’d never touched me like that before.
“If you love me, then why didn’t you come for me?” I asked.
“You know why.”
“And what about now?” I tried to wiggle my arm free.
“Let me go.” He quickly let my arm go. The funny thing was I wanted him to take it back. I wanted him to take me and kiss me. “I don’t know what happened to my Noel. I was in love with him, and I know it was real. He would never treat me like this,” I said and walked to the door. I put my hand on the handle, wondering if I was bluffing. I felt him. There was an electricity I could feel when he was close. He was so close behind me I could smell him. He placed his hand above me on the door. I turned around. “What now? Plan on teaching me how to grow up?”
“I don’t know why you think you still love me,” he said.
“I don’t think about it. I just know it.” He didn’t say a word. I stared at his lips, preparing to kiss him. Like in a fairy tale, maybe the kiss would melt all this away.
“Why are you so different now?” he asked.
“Am I?” I knew it was true. He lifted my chin gently so that I was staring directly in his eyes. “I am the same girl you loved.”
“I liked her hands when she signed. Her eyes without the makeup.”
“You have to take a risk.” It was then he wrapped his ar
ms around me tightly. I buried my head in his chest. I could feel his heartbeat. It was racing. He must have loved me. He kissed my forehead. I’d never felt anything sweeter. I looked up at him again. I knew he was mine. This was our time.
“I did miss you every day,” he said. He reached in his pocket and pulled out his Velcro wallet. In the inside pocket, there was a clipping. He pulled it to reveal a magazine clip out of my face. “I carry you with me every day.”
“I just came from a shoot.”
“You’re like this even on weekends.”
“How do you know?”
“I saw you.” Had he really? He brushed all the hair back from my face. “You have no idea how beautiful you really are.” He walked away from me. I watched him stare out the window onto Park Avenue. He looked hopeless. “I wasn’t supposed to come back here.”
“Will you stay?” I asked.
“Here?”
“For me.”
“I don’t know how you were ever born to this family. Your father has already told me to leave,” he said.
“No.” I ran to him and threw myself upon him. I just wanted him to hold. He had to stay. “I waited and wished for you to come home.” I felt the tears run down my cheeks. It had been so long I almost gave up. The dreams I had of him. “You don’t understand. There’s no going back. You must stay.”
“There is no one who wishes for me.”
“Your girlfriend?” I asked.
“We broke up. I don’t have a girlfriend.”
“Then you must be mine. But you must promise never to leave again.”
“I didn’t leave before.” I kissed him for what seemed like an eternity. A few hours later, I found myself rolling over to him in the dark. The clock on his side of the bed clued me in to the fact that it was 10:55 p.m. I checked my jeans pocket for my cell. Last thing I needed was for it to crack because I’d been rolling around the bed with it in my pocket. To be honest, though, I secretly loved sleeping in my clothes.
I scrolled through my texts. Melissa had hit me up. “M, you didn’t hear this from me. I heard that Cara told Henrietta she has the real deal on you. Said like you’re not picture-perfect. ‘They never are,’ she said. Cara was like, ‘I’ve been dating her brother for like a year. Milan is all brains, beauty, and mental issues. She has dark secrets.’ Don’t worry, though. Henrietta called her out. She told her she was on the wrong side of 57th Street and she’d better watch out who she spreads rumors about. Us Park Ave girls stick together. Then Henrietta was like, I hooked up with Dimitri in eighth grade, so technically those are my leftovers! OMG—even I didn’t know the history there. We got your back, M.”
I was reeling from the shock of the news. I’d thought Henrietta and I were frenemies by way of Cece. I didn’t even know her. I told Cece to steal her boyfriend! This was terrible. And it was quickly eclipsing Noel.
It was time to rally the allies, though a dreadful feeling was nagging at me. I would hold my secret to the grave. Organization was key. Who was I going to S.O.S. first? Winter! She knew all my secrets. Sierra could already know. I checked my phone and, oddly, there were no texts from her or Frenchy! Maybe they knew and were mad. Uh-oh! This was definitely war.
“Have you heard the gossip about me?” I texted Sierra.
“No! Why? What gossip?”
“Cara talking about me, telling people I have a secret.”
“That jerk!”
“Don’t tell Frenchy yet.” I sat there on the side of the bed in my shirt full of sweat, wondering what had happened. I thought Cara and I were … what did I think? I knew there were times when she terrified me. Then times when she infuriated me. Then other times where she said the nicest things about me. Could Noel and I just run away?
“What did you do?” I texted Dimitri.
“Nothing you wouldn’t,” Dimitri texted.
“I can’t believe you betrayed me.”
“Come on. All you have, sis? You have bigger problems. Read dad’s offer. Your boyfriend can’t resist. I’d sell my left arm for that deal.”
“What deal?”
“Just like you—caught in the gossip, not the dollars.”
I just threw my phone down. The source of all the trouble. Everything was fine a few hours ago. I just wanted to go back to a few hours ago. Noel came over to me.
“What’s wrong?” He sat next to me. I didn’t know how he would react if I told him. Would he say I was different? Would he compare me to two years ago?
I just shook my head.
“Don’t worry, I’m staying.”
“Forever?” I asked.
“Like marriage?”
“Like forever.” He looked away from me. Now he was shaking his head. “You’ve been with me for this long. I don’t think I could ever let you out of my heart.” I held his hand.
“No matter what, I will be with you always. Daddy’s going to try to break us apart. We can’t let him. Never. Promise.”
“I won’t. Not again.”
I should’ve been happier than ever. I was, for a few seconds. Then a clinching pain grabbed a hold of my heart. My shoulders slowly rose up to my ears.
Somehow I was able to sleep that night. The next morning, I remembered my solution. Winter. “I’m in trouble,” I texted Winter. I found a barrage of texts from Sierra, all featuring varying ways to ask if there was a secret. Apparently, she tried to pump Frenchy and turned up empty. She asked to meet ASAP for coffee.
“Can’t. I might be late today.”
I kissed Noel. “I’m going to meet you back here later. Don’t go anywhere,” I said. He kissed me twice.
“I’ll be here.” He rolled over and went back to sleep.
Chapter 26 Time to Go Stealth
I hadn’t told Sierra any details yet. I had to be sure we were in total private. At school, I skipped every class I had with the enemy. Luckily Sierra texted me, otherwise I would have ditched gym for no reason. I managed to slink away from Melissa in the locker room after gym. She had started in on Cara.
“Where does she get off spreading gossip? There’s a protocol to things around here,” Melissa said.
“I have to go to the bathroom,” I said. I excused myself to the bathroom with my clothes. I left from the side exit.
I left study period slightly before the bell. I was one of the first people out of school. Sierra demanded over text I stop by. “Milan, you better tell me what’s going on. We have to get that jerk.” I complied. I couldn’t live like this.
When I reached Sierra’s door, I got a text.
“Cara, the Witch of the East, is in my room,” Sierra texted. I stopped dead in my tracks.
“Send her away,” I texted.
“On it. Told Frenchy to get some fraps.”
“None for me. Don’t tell Frenchy I’m here.”
“K.”
“Meet in cupboard.” I knocked lightly. The butler answered the door. He was straight out of a Bridget Jones movie. I smiled. I literally ran to the kitchen pantry. The kitchen pantry was the size of the guest bedroom. The twin’s mom had a wall knocked down to borrow square footage from the den for the kitchen. It was like a super kitchen, complete with red and white striped walls. Everyone in this house liked stripes. The view of the Empire State Building over the kitchen sink was calming. For a few seconds.
“In pantry,” I texted.
“Did they see you?” I peeked through the cracked pantry door. No sign of Frenchy. If she saw me, she would have followed me in there. And probably would have gone ballistic because I passed her like that.
“I’m not staying long.”
“Here. I watched them walk out.” Moments later, Sierra entered the pantry.
“What happened?”
“Cara was talking about me to Melissa and Henrietta.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know.” I had an idea, though!
“Oh, my god. They couldn’t tell you what she said. It must be really bad.”
“
Don’t say that. I haven’t even thought of that. You could be right.” What if Melissa knew? “Melissa and Henrietta called Cara trashy.”
“I can’t believe Henrietta took up for you.”
“I know, like is this a game?”
“Check it. I think Cara left a secret love letter for Henderson yesterday.”
“Professor Henderson?”
“Oh, my girl Doe said he picked up a note after seventh period and was completely flustered. His face went beet red. He grunted, then left the office immediately.”
“Why Cara?”
“Doe saw her put something in one of the teacher’s mailboxes yesterday morning, third period. She went in just to pick up her work schedule.”
Suddenly I found myself staring hopelessly into an open box of corn starch. “Are you okay?” Sierra asked.
“No worries. Just a bathroom break.” I cracked a smile. I was too used to cracking a smile when I was blazing on the inside.
I was so angry that I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. Professor Henderson had called me into his office yesterday.
I snuck into the guest bathroom at the far end of the house next to her parent’s study. When I got into the bathroom, I closed the door as quickly as I could. This was way past my threshold. I was trembling and practically panting. Had Cara really done this?
I saw Professor Henderson’s lips. I watched them intently, like my life depended on it. It was apparent that he was disturbed. I could tell by his disapproving looks when he answered his door. The looks in his aged eyes reminded me of the look my father gave me that last time I’d mentioned Mama. I committed a sin to speak of her.
I knew the conversation was going to stay with me. Professor Henderson was my favorite teacher from last semester. He always walked with a little slouch. His gray and white hair reminded me of my grandfather. He was always so nice to me. Sometimes I thought he knew. I didn’t know how it could be possible, but he seemed understanding, like he knew.
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