My initial reaction was to smack him, but then I remembered that I didn’t have anyone from my family who would come. The only person who would be there would be Finlay because there was no way that my parents would let my sister attend. I also wasn’t close to my brothers thanks to them, so they would make the short trip over either. With that as the reality, did it really matter where I got married?
Before I could answer though, Coleman told Brett about a place that I’d completely forgotten existed. “There’s a place in the south of Scotland called Gretna Green where you can get married without all of the normal bullshit. What about going there?”
I loved Gretna Green, I’d been there as a child and it was gorgeous. Now that I thought about it, a wedding there would be perfect and absolutely beautiful, so I squealed and nodded my head at Brett with a huge grin on my face.
“Coleman, could you help us get that sorted out?” I asked him, not taking my eyes off my fiancé.
“Absolutely,” he mumbled from the front. “Fucking A, another Townsend bites the dust!”
Brett burst out laughing and pulled me into him. I was so happy I started crying making both of the men panic. One emergency stop to a corner shop and a box of chocolate fingers later and I was okay. Fucking hormones, but oh the chocolatey biscuit goodness!
Brett
Walking into the house behind Sabine, who was still happily munching her cookies, I looked around at all of the sulking faces. I probably should apologize, but I wasn’t going to.
“We’re home!” I stated the obvious just to rile them up a bit. I think I’d earned the right to do it after all of the shit they’d put me through. All of the women sniffed and looked the other way as the men stayed where they were just glaring at us. For a few seconds, the only noise that could be heard in the room was the crunching from Sabine as she munched her cookies. “Don’t you want to know what we’re having?” I shook the bag at them.
That did it.
“I’ll bet it’s a girl,” Ren said smugly, then the smile dropped and he looked over at Crystal who was happily playing with the twins in the cage/baby container thing that they’d bought. He loved his daughter, but he was terrified of boys coming into her world when she was older so he kept hoping that a peen would peek out. Either he was dumb to biology or just special, or maybe both?
The volume rose in the room as everyone started talking at once, and then there were bets being passed around.
Knowing it could take a while, and actually being quite happy to wait, Sabine and I went and sat on a couch making ourselves comfortable. Once they were done and Gramps was holding a wad of money, they turned and looked expectantly at us. Mom was almost jumping in her seat she was so excited.
Reaching into the bag, I pulled out the softest blanket I’d ever seen. It was all different shades of blue made into what Sabine had been adamant was a tartan, and was so fuzzy and soft that even I wanted to curl up with it.
Everyone gasped apart from Ren who stood up and glared at me.
“You big fat bitch,” he snapped. “You’re lying.”
“Nope!” I popped the ‘p’ for emphasis. “Not even a little. We got to see the sausage and everything. In fact,” I shifted my ass on one side so that I could get my wallet out. “We thought you’d say that, so here’s the proof.”
Yeah, I had the sonographer print a picture of the kid’s weenie for this exact reason. I wasn’t going to miss the look on his face when he saw it for anything. His reaction was fab-u-las!
“That’s the cord!” He fumed.
Shaking my head, I pointed above it. “No, that’s the cord.”
“It’s just the way the water and whatever other shit is in there was at the time,” he tried.
Sighing, I walked up to him and rubbed it in a bit more as I hugged him. “Congratulations on your new nephew, Uncle Renny! It’s a boy!” I shouted, holding the blanket up in the air like the scene in the Lion King.
Everyone started screaming and celebrating around us as Cole clapped me on the back and welcomed me to ‘the wiener club’ and said no ‘burger buns were allowed’, deliberately bating our brother. Ren sat down on the arm of the couch and sulked until I, accidentally, knocked him. He fell on the floor next to Tom who was holding his hand up waiting for anyone at all to give him a high-five. He’d been like that since we all started talking, though, so I figured he might be there for a while. Now that Ren was with him, he could do it. I was too giddy that I was actually having a son, a beautiful healthy little boy.
“And, there’s more news,” I said over all of the noise.
“It’s twins,” Isla shrieked clapping her hands.
“Um, no,” I corrected her quickly as everyone got ready to celebrate. “We’re getting married!”
Sabine was standing beside me now, so I held up her hand proudly as all of the women rushed forward to check out the sparkly shit.
“Vegas?” Gramps asked.
“No, Grotty Green,” I replied.
“Gretna Green,” Sabine corrected as she leaned around me to hug Gramps.
“Where the shit is that?” Cole asked.
“Southern Scotland.”
“We’re going to Scotland,” Isla and Maya started jumping up and down.
Looking down at Sabine who was still getting hugs, tummy rubs and congratulations, I had a soft moment and appreciated the fact my family had hijacked my trip here. If they hadn’t, would I be here celebrating my son and soon-to-be wife?
As always, though, they proved why it wasn’t a blessing having them around.
Ten
Townsend Wedding, Gretna Green
The secret to a happy marriage is to always keep his stomach full, and his balls empty – fact.
Brett
The day before the wedding…
It had taken a week to get it all prepared, but we’d done it. There was the dress, the rings, the clothes, the hotels, the travel, Cole’s morning sickness…it had been a week of hell. I refused to touch Sabine until she was my wife which she’d been pissed about until I explained that I’d done her wrong before, but now I was going to do it right.
Then Maya’s best friend Tony and his boyfriend, Lars, had arrived. Like they’d ever miss anything, including the birth of all of the babies in the family. Even though Tony hadn’t wanted to witness them, he’d been up front and center for all of them and had seen just as much as the doctors had. Every time someone mentioned taco Tuesday now, his eye started twitching and he turned a weird shade of green. I felt bad for the guy, but at the same time he put himself in the situation…
So, here I was with balls so blue that even Papa Smurf would wince and it wasn’t just through lack of use. It was fucking freezing here. Scotland had the type of cold that went right through you to your bones. And the wind, a lot of it coming from Gramps as always, was insane.
It was now the night before the wedding and although they were used to doing quickie marriages, they were also no strangers to the planned drawn out weddings too. As ours was a mixture of both, we were having a rehearsal. At least, I think we were having a rehearsal. The only people who understood what was being said were Maya and Sabine.
“Noo, when yer done, ye come and hammer it wee thus,” the woman raised a hammer and hit the anvil that was in the place where the ceremony would take place for some reason. “And ye’ll ken it’s aw ower.”
Sabine and Maya nodded their heads furiously with big grins as they each hit the anvil with the hammer, while the rest of us watched on with our mouths open.
“What did she say?” Cole whispered out of the corner of his mouth. “Oh shit, she’s coming your way.”
The lovely lady walked up with a gentle smile on her face. “Morag, hen,” she held her hand out and I shook it hoping that she wasn’t asking me anything important. “Yer looking a wee bit peely-wally. I ken it’s aw a lot tae take in, but we’ll do yous right, son. Dinnae you fash yersel,” she added, then patted my shoulder and walked away.
&n
bsp; “What the hell did that mean?” Cole was the first of us to talk. “I got hen so I take it we’re having chicken for dinner.”
“Masturbating,” Tom added randomly.
“Excuse me?” My eyebrows must have disappeared under my hair, because I had no idea what the hell was he talking about? Where did masturbation come into it.
“She told you not to masturbate,” he said like it was just a run of the mill everyday type topic in a venue where weddings were held. “She said you weren’t to ‘fash’ yourself and something about peeling your willy. You know,” he added a little wanking motion onto it.
Cole nodded beside me, obviously agreeing with our youngest brother. The whole thing made me shudder. That sweet little old lady telling me not to wank before the wedding? Maybe it was acceptable conversation here?
Shuddering again, I went to get Sabine. We were all going out to dinner and then would go back to our separate rooms and I wouldn’t see her until the actual wedding itself. I hated the thought of not cuddling up to her tonight, but it was worth it if she was going to be Mrs. Townsend tomorrow. Fucking traditions and superstitious bullshit though!
The wedding day…
Whose idea was it for ties to be so tight around the neck? Fucking sadistic bastards. I was in a horrible mood on the one of the biggest days of my life.
Firstly, I hadn’t slept at all. Apparently, I was the biggest pussy in the world and I couldn’t sleep without Sabine.
Secondly, I had to wear a shirt and a tie that for some reason, even though they were my size, didn’t fit around the neck so I could hardly breathe.
Thirdly, I’d just gotten a call and I was needed back in the States for work. The problem couldn’t be fixed with me working here, so I was going to have to break the news to Sabine that we were going home.
Fourthly, I couldn’t understand a word of what was being said and had ended up with haggis last night. I didn’t have a clue what it was, but was really enjoying it until just before the last mouthful Cole explained I’d basically just eaten sheep’s anus. Well, no not quite, but that’s what I was picturing now. As if that hadn’t been bad enough, I’d been asked if I wanted a ‘full English’ for breakfast. I’d thought that sounded safe enough so I’d agreed as had the other guys. There were slices of a black sausage on the plate, so I’d dug in. Just as I was almost licking the plate clean, Cole did an online search of the name of the sausage, black pudding, and we’d all had to run to the bathroom when he read out what it was. Blood sausage. I’d grown up on a ranch, but holy shit, blood sausage just sounded wrong when he’d read the description out to us.
And now, I had to listen to Tony explaining to Finlay how he’d seen almost all of the girl’s ‘taco’s’ and that he wouldn’t be hanging around with Sabine when she got closer to the ‘hammer hitting the gong’ because he was vetoing Taco Bell.
Just one normal day, just one, that's all I'd asked for.
“No one will be seeing her taco,” I wheezed out around the tie. I’d meant it as a snap, but this shit really was tight.
“Wrong, amigo,” Cole muttered as he fixed his own tie. “There will be a lot of nurses and a doctor who will be down the busy end.”
I hadn’t thought of that. What if the doctor was male? Would he have to put his hand inside her? And why was I thinking about this when I should be thinking about the fact that I was getting married today? Oh yeah, because of fucking Cole – as always.
Glaring at him and feeling anxious as hell, I walked over to the windows and looked out at the area surrounding us. It really was beautiful even if it was cold.
“You okay?” Tom asked from behind me. Turning around, I saw he had a glass of something amber in his hand. “You looked a bit nervous, so I got you this.” He held it up and jiggled it, the ice clinking off the sides of the glass.
“Thanks, man.” I grabbed the glass and drank it down in one, wheezing as the fire took hold in my throat and chest.
“Another?” Reaching over to a small table beside us, he picked up a bottle of what I saw was Dalmore Scottish Whiskey.
Nodding, I held my glass up as he poured, and then swallowed around the burning that was still in my throat, but had now travelled down into my stomach too. This one joined it and amplified it by ten. “Holy shit, the Scots make it strong.”
After four more though, my nerves were gone and I was ready to get this show on the road. I went to walk past Tom when something caught my eye. Looking through the room and then down at myself, I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw my pants.
“Why are y’all wearing skirts?”
Sniffing, Tom fiddled with his and answered, “They’re kilts, you imbecile. And Mom made us wear them.”
Shaking my head and grinning, I thanked Shmog himself, no wait, is it Shmog? Shmod? Fuck it, the big guy upstairs for being mom’s favorite kid so that I wasn’t wearing one. They looked awesome as hell, but regardless of what I’d drunk in the last half hour, I still had the presence of mind that my wedding pictures would be on display for life and that I wouldn’t be wearing stilts. Wait…why was I thinking about stilts again?
At that moment, there was a knock at the door, and an old man poked his head around it after Coleman opened it.
“Mornin’,” he muttered as he entered the room.
“Look Tom, he walks like you,” Cole whispered, getting a glare from Tom.
“You ready, pal?” He asked as he looked me over. I had no nerves whatsoever, but I was being strangled by the clothing I was wearing, so I gave him a strained nod and smile. “Aye, come oan then. We’ll have a wee blether while we go.”
Following him out, he started talking about anything and everything as we walked. I was too focused on breathing and kept tugging at my collar to pay much attention. He waved us into the hall, which was beautiful, and I danced over to stand where Mom told me to.
As the men got into position, I saw the women eyeing their husbands and licking their lips, making me shudder.
“Are we taking these home with us?” Mom whispered loudly to Dad who gave her a wink.
Gramps decided to give his input on wearing a kilt. “Ya know, my balls aren’t used to having a draft. I mean, pants keep them all tucked away like a mouse in its house, but here they’re just blowing free.” He added a little hip gyration that would have made me gag if my collar wasn’t restricting most of the movement in my throat. “I think I like it.”
“I know I like it,” Gram purred from where she was sitting, looking him up and down.
Unfortunately, I was now well on the road to perfectly sober and the nerves were coming back full force.
“Here,” Tom handed me a little silver flask out of the purse thing around his waist getting another snort from me. “Fuck off, it’s a traditional thing called a Spurnan.”
“Sporran,” the old guy corrected making us both jump. Where the hell did he come from?
“Look, though. I have a cool knife in my sock,” Tom lifted a leg and I caught a glimpse of the knife in question. I thought knives were illegal here?
“The bride will be here in five minutes. Take your places, please.” The old man announced and then disappeared back into a crypt or something.
Now, the nerves were almost overwhelming. So, unscrewing the cap, I drank as much down as I could. After stopping for a breath of air, I finished what was inside the flask. Once you got past the initial feeling of magma being poured down your throat, it wasn’t half bad.
“You got another?” I asked as I passed it back to Tom who was looking at me like I’d just stolen his last marshmallow. The guy was territorial as fuck over the weirdest things.
“That was at least three full glasses worth,” he muttered. “Now what am I gonna do?”
“Not be such a cheap bitch next time and bring a real amount with you instead of a shot glass full?” I suggested. I thought it was a valid point. Who just brings a mouthful of alcohol with them?
Now, I wasn’t even feeling nervous. I was excited, a
nd sweating slightly, but that was to be expected. That shit was like lava!
Just as I tried to take a breath in, the music started and I saw Sabine coming towards me. She looked like a fairy princess as she walked with a huge smile on her face.
The next thing I realized, we were being asked to say our vows.
“I, Angélique Sabine d’Arvor,” she started, only to be interrupted by Gramps.
“Wait, I thought her name was Sabine?” He asked Grams so loudly that we all turned and glared at him. Giving us an encouraging nod to continue, she grabbed his ear and whispered furiously into it. Sabine went by her middle name because she felt her first name was ostentatious, we all knew this, but the old shit just had to forget at this precise moment.
Choosing Forever Page 10