by Tina Smith
“And what? You’re not attracted to me anymore?” I made my voice sound disgusted, hurt and angry – but those were feelings that I might have directed towards myself. “You are different Reid, your eyes, they aren’t the same.” I insulted him in kind. He turned to walk away. “Reid I’m sorry it was stupid, forgive me, I’m just going stir crazy here. I thought maybe if you and I…but it’s stupid. I'm embarrassed.” I wiped a crocodile tear from under my eye. A pang of guilt hit me inside, it was all lies, and I’d sooner spit on him than kiss him. I would never love him the way I loved Sky. I felt disloyal but I was desperate - it was all for Sky, just like it always had been.
He smiled with his thin dark lips. “I'm a full blooded werewolf - more than a year and a half old.” He turned to walk towards the window, with his back to me he continued. “I’ve accepted what I am. I eat and hunt as one being, my system is pure, my body is clean, and it shows in the iris. The way yours tell us what you are.” He was quiet. “I’m not under any spell of Sam’s anymore.” He wasn’t frightened, I could feel it. The shy smile from the river was gone. He was proud of what he was, an amber-green eyed werewolf. Then just like that, he disappeared through the open window. I heard the thud of his landing. He must have been a bit off his game, wolves could be stealthy, and I hoped it was the effect of me, unsteadying him. Besides, Cres wasn’t due for at least another half hour. I had noticed a rotation of late. I had at least affected him, planted a seed, perhaps softened him, I hoped, but I knew that ship had sailed long ago. I could have been wrong but I thought he was telling me he’d only felt something for me because Sam wanted him to. I shouldn’t have felt any hurt over that, but I did a little. Was I so undesirable? I tried to not let it bother me.
I felt my pocket, and realized it was empty - my hunting knife was gone. Reid had removed it, whilst I kissed his bare chest. Damn, he was toying with me, he perhaps saw through my crocodile tears, the way I wanted to see through Cres’s. Intuitively he no longer trusted me and I could not blame him, it almost made me respect him more. He was a fine specimen of a wolf. He was no longer as naive as he had once been not so long ago. Now I was the green one in his world and he was wise enough to know his enemy. And wise enough to befriend me. He would gladly tell me now which animals he hunted and how the blood tasted, but he would no longer innocently tell the pack’s secrets. We had both grown up.
9. Broken Like Cres
My feelings were numbing, slowly, like dry ice had been applied. Maybe I thought spitefully about what he’d said, about my eyes. How they told him what I am? Forget everything, live a normal life?
Really, I knew I should have just forgotten Sky, but how could I forget? Pretending not to love him hurt more than anything. My thoughts roamed where I could not, from the invisible confines of a valley I could not ever escape. And I wanted to leave it, no matter how beautiful it was, and how much I now belonged inside it. My world had been cracked like glass the moment he looked at me and shattered when he had been taken from it. And I was supposed to believe he was no more. I could feel he was alive, so I could not mourn him. I was torn between his world and mine, while I still believed he lived. Every breath I took was in anticipation of being in his arms again. The rumbling beast within me needed to escape, to make my desire something more than an intangible wish that was everything and nothing, existing in my heart only.
The next day I wore something skimpy. I was going to fight for my freedom. Maybe I couldn’t manipulate Reid with my wiles but Jackson surely wasn’t immune to feminine charms, even those with carnal intent. Jackson could still be more trusting of me, or at least I hoped complacent because he was young, and inexperienced with hunters, though I noticed he always kept at a distance - now more than ever. I hardly knew more about him now than when we first met. He had been a no-show at my party, but he sat complacently with us at school. More and more he kept his distance and I wondered if it was Reid who encouraged it.
I knew when they guarded me that no one was watching them. But this was yet just another side plan, a back-up. I didn’t know what the plan was, so I was going to play a few subtle angles and hedge my bets. Cres would see definite decisions, so I had to confuse her. At school I concentrated on befriending Giny again or perhaps let her befriend me. She showed mercy for me having nearly caused the death of her best friend, Sam, and banishing her, a deed compounded by the fact that I had ignored Giny ever since. I was merciless, different and darker and I knew she settled for our friendship because she had no other options – at least none she liked.
The next week at school I smiled at her. “Hi, Gin.”
She looked almost taken aback. “Hi, Lila,” She replied.
“I just wanted to apologize for my behaviour for the last few months.”
“It’s alright.”
“No. It’s not, I’ve been – a bitch.”
She looked at me as though I had an admission of evidence to go along with this statement.
“Like on my birthday,” I offered. “I mean I’ve just been ignoring you, a lot.” I took a slightly exasperated breath.
“Yeah,” she agreed gently with her small dark eyes rimmed with lashes and filled with questions.
“It was just because I was cut up over Sky.” I trailed off.
“I know.” She smiled and I saw the pain of understanding in her dark brown eyes also. Looking insecure, she tucked her long fringe behind her ear.
“I’m sorry about Sam.” I meant it, though Sam was out there, still a threat to me.
I invited Giny over to study and for a while when we were in each other’s company, it was as though before the clique was broken and Sky and Lily were alive, but we didn’t talk about it. Maybe it was healthier for us not to hang out anymore I thought. But that wasn’t the point.
I had three weeks to manipulate her into an ally, all under guard watch. I wasn’t and couldn’t be exactly sure why, just for insurance perhaps, and maybe it would get her monitored too, but in this lay benefits, less heads to keep watch on me. I used the pretence of being concerned with integration into the student body for my new dress style and social enthusiasm, all the more to trick them with. Making me seem less in need of him while I pulled an attempted sleight of hand under their noses in planning my escape.
I took out my discarded mobile phone and wiped the dust off the screen. Unused in months due to my non-existent social life, which like my phone I planned to reactivate.
I knew very few things for sure, because there wasn’t much that I was privy to. Cres was protecting me from myself so that I could take her place. So she would be off the hook, and she guarded me from Sam in case she sought to finish what she’d attempted many months ago. Reid and Cres were protecting me from either finding the truth about Sky or maybe even keeping him from me. That was only a hope, but it was the best outcome and I knew that Reid missed Sky too. I had to believe it. I played the part of innocent and harmless teenager, much like the wolves before me. And like them the more I integrated into the community the harder it would be to take me out, without an uproar.
Giny and I had a sleepover in which we hurriedly discussed the party before Cres joined us – uninvited. She had, of course, asked my mother if she could join us. That, or I imagine she would have lurked outside the house. We both would have preferred it if she hadn’t invited herself – for different reasons – the main one being that we could no longer discuss the anticipated surprise party.
After they’d left in the morning mum took me out to lunch. To my astonishment she bravely let me have the keys to her yellow Toyota as she awkwardly leaned over to place two big ‘L’ -for learner- signs in the window.
“So, Cres has taught you a few things,” she exclaimed as I shifted the gear stick.
I could tell mum was terrified as she held the door armrest firmly. We found an easy park in the shopping centre parking lot and walked to a nearby café, one of few in the valley.
I had a milk shake and mum sipped a cappuccino.
“Just like old times, huh?” She smiled wiping the froth from her upper lip and we shared a knowing look between us. This was an activity we enjoyed when I was young in Horkum, before my dad disappeared all the time and I started hanging with my older brother’s crowd. It was nice to remember those long-forgotten content moments and I knew any time like this with her was precious and would soon be a memory too.
“About you and Cres.” She cleared her throat.
I rolled my eyes and cut in “Mum, we’re not lesbians if that’s -”
“No, no I just wanted to ask you about her?” Sophie stilled her face and looked into my eyes.
“Oh.” I blushed. I’d assumed she believed the rumours, but perhaps I’d forgotten my mother knew small towns well.
“She isn’t happy with her Aunt Tabetha, is she?” Sophie said apprehensively, looking into her cup. “I have seen her and other people have witnessed her running around” – she looked into my eyes – “barefoot, and she never has new clothes.”
“Mum, she’s fine.” I sighed wishing I hadn’t come now, looking for an out.
“Lila, is she okay?”
“Yesss.” I rolled my eyes again melodramatically, doing my best to sound like a spoilt teenager. I cast my glance down. “Maybe if you said something to her aunt?” I pressed my lips together, hard.
“Like what?” she swiftly threw her eyes to mine.
“Like, that you have noticed she doesn’t wear new things and that if finances are an issue, you can help out – but don’t – just offer. She’ll be so mortified that the whole town thinks she’s not dressing her niece properly, she’ll get her new things just to save face at church.” I tried to sound guilty – however my lying was improving.
“Can I ask why Tabetha doesn’t take an interest in Cresida’s appearance?” She frowned.
“She’s old,” I offered stalwartly, not wanting to give away too much. “She doesn’t get it,” I said with just enough attitude to sound convincing. Sophie didn’t say whether she agreed with my suggestion, but I had put the thought there. I hoped mum knew like I did, that it was easy to start a rumour in Shade, even a counter one. My mother worked at gossip central. The Penny Market was the biggest supermarket in town. All she’d have to do is mention to a few people, that Cres had no shoes and no bras and that her aunt mustn’t care.
In the car as we pulled into the driveway I looked at her.
“Good?” I asked referring to my driving skills. I was as relieved as she was that we were home safely. Her edginess made me nervous.
But surprisingly Sophie’s mind was elsewhere.
“The brother dresses well, and so does the aunt. I’ve seen her at work. Why doesn’t she let her wear new things?” She searched my eyes. “Lila, I have a right to know if something is wrong … with a child that practically lives in my house.”
I’d hoped mum wouldn’t pry further, but in this case I was wrong. I was warmed to see she cared enough about Cres’s welfare to persist, although this potentially was a bad sign. If I resisted too much Sophie may pry further.
“Um, I think she is punishing her.” I swallowed, worried that I was saying too much. If her interest continued we may have problems.
Mum nodded slowly, transfixed in thought. I suspected she might call Tabetha now.
10. Next to Me
I looked in the mirror in the morning light and thought about my confrontation with Reid. I’d been studying for finals when I felt the urge for a break. I could smell exhaust fumes and flowers through the open window, the smells of a warm day in Shade. That’s when I first really saw them. Maybe subconsciously I had noticed, but it wasn’t until that moment I leant in I witnessed the dark crescent shapes - one over each iris close to the pupil. I stood back from my reflection. I touched my hips and ran my hands over where the curves had been, examining my likeness. I ran my fingers over my face, which had thinned and also hardened. Surely I was unrecognizable in every way from the girl who had arrived here over twelve months ago, but was I so unattractive? Reid had made me feel so repulsive; would Sky still want me if he was out there? Was his ghost near me?
Suddenly I sensed a male presence and caught sight of dark hair. I turned. Reid stood there, and he spoke before I had a chance. It seemed he hadn’t been there long.
“I know what you’re doing, you know.” He steadied me with his gaze.
I struggled to hide my surprise, quickly regaining composure. “And what’s that?” I said hiding the suspicious pinch I felt inside.
“Trying to do to me what I did to you…you don’t understand that she used me.”
“Who?”
“Sam. She had this way of using all of us, manipulating every situation.”
“Are you glad she’s gone?”
“Aren’t you?” he retorted.
I swallowed. “I’ll be glad when she’s more than gone,” I said in a sweet tone that reminded me of her.
“And what about me?”
“I don’t blame you, Reid. I’m not going to play games here,” I lied. The truth was he was on the list, and I would play anyone I could. When he wasn’t needed, that was a different story. I was angry and, yes, I blamed him.
“So what was that, yesterday?” he retorted.
“Nothing,” I replied quickly. “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again. I guess I was just lonely.” I hoped he would feel compassion for me.
He huffed with his arms crossed over his chest. “Yeah, tell another one, L.” He had obviously thought about it. “You know you are the same, I just never saw it. You loved the lifestyle and yourself, you never loved me.”
I recalled I had told him that, but I think the words that were hollow to me, carried power because he had believed me then.
I didn’t know if he knew how right he was. He was trying to hurt me, but he had hurt me with the sting of the truth. Reid was smarter than I gave him credit for. That and
the use of his nickname for me softened my resolve.
“I’m sorry,” I said, quieter then, as though I really meant it. I didn’t mention that he had used me too. Maybe it wasn’t his fault. Sam had manipulated him. I wondered if Sky knew Sam’s plan back then, if he supported it? Reid told me in the beginning Sky had wanted him to be with me. I didn’t know if that changed because Sky realized he had feelings for me himself, or if Sam had just hypnotized him as well.
“If you’re not happy speak up about it. Cres is here, your mother, Giny, we will all help you. But this heartless war machine you’re becoming is blocking out any chance at a good life you might have.” His advice immediately took away any compassion I felt. I thought maybe he had discussed what had happened the last time he came in my window with Cres. I hid a knot of embarrassment, but I faced him more hardened than ever.
“What? What good life?” I narrowed my eyes, now aware that he saw the crescents; I wanted to scream at him that there was no life worth living without Sky. I must have looked annoyed but I felt grief-stricken and pained. He didn’t understand me one bit. I wasn’t Cresida.
He shifted, uncomfortable at the nerve he had hit because then the full veil of indifference was lifted to reveal the depth of my devastation. Something we had in common if Sky was indeed dead.
“You have more of an opportunity than most of us…at a life.” His face puckered in thought. I scoffed under my breath.
I could see he didn’t understand my reaction. I knew as I watched him shake his head that he thought I was like all the others then - he thought from my comment that I wanted immortality. I knew we couldn’t understand each other. In that moment I lost all confidence in him, when perhaps he meant to make me trust him more. The last particles of kindness I had for him dissolved.
What did he know of being in love? Once again I resisted the urge to slice his throat from ear to ear whilst I distracted him with tearful conversation.
I heard myself saying, “I didn’t feel like I could go on when he died, when I knew…”
Don’t cut him, my consci
ence warned.
“We all wish he was still here.” He patted my shoulder and bowed his head remorsefully. That was my chance, the devil on my shoulder told me, and if I hadn’t heard Cresida’s car pull up, I may have taken the opportunity. If Sophie would have cracked over the mud on the carpet, then a spattered trail of blood would not go ignored. I cast my eyes away from him.
“You better go,” I advised, pretending to be interested in the mirror again, but my narrowed eyes glanced up angrily to watch him leave. I glanced at my reflection and ignored the slight rose in my cheeks.
He turned his face up in question.
“Cres is here.” I shrugged, knowing he had probably heard the roaring engine of the jeep, before my lesser ears, anyway.
He gave me a look of understanding, which made me want to send an arrow through his chest. But instead I nodded and pressed my lips together in a smile, as though reassuring him he had been helpful in my recovery. I had become detached, to everything but my denial of Sky’s passing, and hunting.
He went to leave.
“Reid?”
“Yeah?”
“I want my knife back,” I said into the mirror.
He sighed. “I already brought it up, and it’s in the dresser.” With that he left, his black hair disappearing out the open window. I pulled open the dresser drawer and there it sat. Reid wanted me to know something - he was smart, quick, and like Cres, he could seize my things if he wanted.
In that moment before Cres came up, I thought I had seen anguish written in his face. I recognized that he knew something of the pain which engulfed me. I rubbed the space between my eyebrows and pinched the bridge of my nose. I knew from that conversation that seducing him was definitely out of the question and for the time being so was murdering him and secondly that he was as devastated as I, for the loss of Sky. I couldn’t stand to be around his mourning because I wouldn’t believe it was true. I couldn’t let him know it, for fear he may convince me Sky was indeed gone forever. Then I would have been broken like Cres.