“Look, I’m not good at this sort of thing. It’s not that I’m intentionally screwing up, okay?”
“No, you’re not thinking at all is the problem. Try putting yourself in someone else’s place, would you? Do you really think the kids are going to give a crap about him? I don’t think they will. He’s your problem, not theirs.”
“He’s a great guy,” Steve said. “He’s a doctor. An MD.”
“Big deal! I couldn’t care less that he’s a doctor. They can be as big a schmuck as anyone. And how about his mother? Is she part of the package? It’s bad enough you’re going to spend time with the son, I’m supposed to accept the mother in your life, too? Think again, Steve.”
“I wish you would let me explain how it happened,” Steve said, unintentionally putting his foot in his mouth again.
“I know how it works, Steve. You screwed a Vietnamese barmaid and she got pregnant. It’s not rocket science.”
“I’m not trying to make excuses, but I didn’t think I’d make it home,” Steve said, confessing his fears for the first time.
“You hoped you wouldn’t have to come back home to me. I finally figured it out after tearing my hair out all these years! You were miserable because you missed that tramp. I don’t want to talk about her or the kid. I’m so angry with you right now I almost wish you would die. Instead, you expect me to sit back while you tear our life apart.”
She walked out, angry at him for upsetting their life, and at herself for losing control. Everything she’d just said to him was wrong and she knew it, yet it was too late, the words lingered in the air, ready to ignite.
“Don’t leave, Kelly. We need to talk about it, no matter how pissed off you are. If we are going to keep going, we have to be honest with each other.”
She looked at him, incredulous.
“Honesty? Okay, here’s honesty. I want you to tell your girlfriend and her son to go back to Chicago. Tell them you aren’t interested in developing a relationship with them, that you don’t even believe he’s your son.
“I don’t want my life disrupted. For the past forty years, all the excuses you’ve given me for whatever was ailing you at the time are no longer valid. Honesty? How about being honest with me for a change? You’ve been miserable for such a long time Steve. You were unhappy because you weren’t with the woman you loved.”
Gasping, she didn’t mean to accuse him so soon.
It hit him, the accusation Kelly made, like a slap in the face. He had been unhappy, she was correct. After leaving Lee behind in a horrible place, the guilt and worry had taken a long-lasting toll.
After Kelly went back to the bedroom, Steve sat at the kitchen table. The sun shone in the window at an angle it only achieved in the fall. One thing she said was correct; he had been in love with Lee. Although he loved Kelly, he was in love with Lee. And if he’d known she was pregnant when he left, he would have gone back to bring her to the States.
When he saw her for the first time in over forty years, he knew he still loved her, that he’d never stopped. But he loved Kelly, too. They had a life together. What he’d had with Lee was make-believe at the time, but the child made it real for him, giving the relationship the validity he needed to pursue something with Lee.
Wondering if he’d be able to walk away from his family in Michigan, the idea that he’d really do so scared him. Not having much of a relationship with his children, he felt powerless to discover why unless he blamed Kelly. She was smart and so funny; the kids had always looked to her to get their needs met and questions answered.
When her parents died and left her money, Steve felt superfluous. Now they didn’t even need his paycheck. Kelly wasn’t to blame. Even when the kids were young and came to him for help or guidance, his pat answer was go ask your mother. He never really liked kids, and they might have figured it out. Kelly went to their sporting events and drove them to their games and lessons. It was what wives and mothers did. They no longer asked for his involvement by the time the twins started school. Her work schedule was rigid, but somehow she managed to squeeze everything in. The resentment he felt for her over-the-top accomplishments reared its head after the twins were born.
One incident rose to the surface. They were invited to bring the kids to his boss’s pool party. Augie was just six, and the infant twins kept Kelly on her toes. Before Steve got up that morning, she’d packed the car with everything a family with three kids would need for a day away from home. When they arrived at his boss’s house, Steve hopped out of the car and walked up to greet his co-workers who were waiting at the gate.
The boss’s wife said, “My God, will you look at Kelly. Infant babies and she looks better than I do.”
Everyone’s heads swiveled as a smiling Kelly came down the path, pushing a buggy, holding Augie’s hand at her side. Steve still remembered what she was wearing: an off the shoulder peasant blouse and short blue jean shorts with high platform sandals, looking like a model, long black hair curling around her shoulders. Steve watched as she approached, amazed at how beautiful she was, and embarrassed that a bunch of factory workers were necessary to point it out to him.
“Go help your wife,” someone said, and he jumped into action and went to her side.
It was an isolated incident. He couldn’t remember her ever asking him for help with the kids. That was the thing. It didn’t appear that she needed his help, so he never offered.
Getting up from the table, he went back to their bedroom.
“Why didn’t you ever ask me to help you?” he asked.
She was standing in the bathroom, combing her hair.
“What are you talking about, Steve?” Clearly, she was still annoyed with him. “Help with what?”
“You never asked for help with the kids.”
She put the brush down and stared into his eyes.
“What are you getting at? I did it alone when you were gone. And after the twins were born, I quickly determined they would be my jurisdiction. I did ask you at first. You didn’t want to help, so I learned to do without.”
Steve was flabbergasted. He didn’t remember refusing her if she asked for help.
“Well, I apologize for not helping you with the kids. That was awful of me. And for not helping you run them around to all their events. I realize how difficult that must have been. You made it look so easy.”
“Because I was organized, I was penalized. Sounds about right, Steve. It’s your way of thinking.
“Let me ask you a question. Why didn’t you help? Why weren’t you interested in the kids?”
Standing still, not knowing how to answer her, he remembered honesty. They were going for honesty.
“You just said it. I wasn’t interested. Little babies scared me, and bigger ones expected you to play boring games.”
“But they were your kids. We made the decision to have them together. Let’s have another! You said those words to me. We were watching the three we had race around the yard, and you said, ‘Let’s have another.’ We created them together.”
“My dad didn’t do much with us,” he said sadly. “Dads worked and moms did everything else.”
“I see,” she said, the anger building. “I feel like I keep telling you I don’t want to talk to you, and you’re ignoring it.”
“We’ve got to face it, Kelly. I got another woman pregnant, and she had a son, my son. Titan is mine. He even looks like me.”
Kelly couldn’t believe how much his words hurt her, but she didn’t tell him.
“I gotcha, Steve. You had a kid. I saw him, remember? You were unfaithful; I haven’t heard you use that adjective yet. You’ve skirted around it. I was at home with a baby while you were getting another woman pregnant, if you remember.”
“I remember. I wrote you every day, do you remember that?”
“How’d you find the time? I imagine it took all the strength you had to leave the seductress Lee.”
The words stung, but he had it coming, so he let her talk. Why didn�
��t he feel more guilt about betraying Kelly? The guilt he had was generated by leaving Lee behind when he left for the States, not by what he did to Kelly.
Kelly was right; he had been unfaithful. He didn’t look at it that way at the time because what he did wasn’t affecting Kelly. What she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her. But it had backfired.
“I’m not doing this anymore, Steve. I’m not going to accept your relationship with these people. So you have a choice to make.”
It was too early to be making a final statement. What if their children decided to embrace Titan? She’d put them in the position of betraying their mother, and she didn’t want that. So she backpedaled.
“I take it back. I’m not going to accept your relationship at this time. I want to be angry for a while, if you don’t mind. So I’m asking you to stop expecting anything from me. I’ll let you know when I want answers. I’m going to Augie’s now.
“You are welcome to come, but only if you can keep this news to yourself. I don’t want to have a fight about it in front of everyone, and we need to work this out in private.”
Steve thought about what it would mean. He felt like he was abandoning Titan but acknowledged that was an illogical feeling, and he couldn’t make decisions based on it.
“Okay, I won’t say anything.”
“Could you drive?” she asked.
Taking his truck keys off the key ring hook, he led the way out to the garage. It had been a while since he had gone with her to visit on a Saturday; he was unable to remember the last time.
They got into the truck, and just as he was fastening his seatbelt, his cell phone beeped; he’d received a text message. The only person who ever texted him was sitting next to him, so he knew it had to be Titan. He looked up at Kelly.
“I’m sorry. I better look at this.”
He pulled his phone out and pushed some buttons and it was Titan.
Sorry to bother you. Mother is having a meltdown, and I was hoping you could come back. She’s threatening to go to your house.
A flood of heat passed over him as he read the message. He looked at Kelly. He didn’t know how to deal with this except to include her.
“Do you think we can bypass Augie’s for now? Titan is asking me to come to the hotel because Lee is having a meltdown and is threatening to come to the house. I’d like you to go with me.”
Kelly looked at him out of the corner of her eye. A sly one, was Augustus Stephen Boyd. He’d get his way somehow.
“Is it safe?” she asked. “I mean, what if they have a gun?”
Steve hadn’t thought of a gun.
“I’m going to call and ask to speak to her. Are you okay with that?”
Kelly nodded. He dialed the number Titan had left and he answered right away.
“Can I speak to Lee?”
Titan gave the phone to his mother, who was trying to catch her breath, she’d been sobbing with such force.
“Lee, you can’t threaten me by coming to my house. If you do so, I’ll call the police. You don’t want that for Titan, do you?”
Kelly was impressed. He’d used just the right tone with a little firmness but compassion, too.
“Why didn’t you get in touch with me when you left Saigon?” she asked.
Steve glanced over at Kelly and mouthed, sorry.
“I was married, Lee. What we had together was just for my time in Vietnam. I could ask you why you didn’t let me know that you were pregnant right away so I could have helped you. Instead, you ran to Ted Baker. You had a good life with him, now let me have my life with my wife.”
Fresh tears began as Lee apologized.
“I’m so sorry, Stevie. I didn’t mean to cause trouble. I’m sad for Baker and sad for Titan. It all my fault.”
Steve agreed but didn’t want to make her angry. And he didn’t want to engage her further by trying to comfort her.
“I’m going to my son’s house now. I’ll call Titan when I leave, and maybe I can see you again before you leave for home tonight.”
Lee was placated, agreeing to calm down if it meant seeing him again. They hung up from the call.
“That was really good,” Kelly said, impressed, shelving sarcasm for now.
“Will you go over there with me later?” he asked. “I can’t explain it so that it won’t make you angry, but I want to see Titan once more before they leave.”
“I’m not angry now, Steve. Let’s go see our kids and just take it hour by hour. Jesus, we’ve only known about the guy for a day. Not even. Can I have a day, at least?”
Steve gave a rare laugh.
“Yes, I guess you can have a full day.”
She looked at him again, seeing how gaunt he was, pale and haggard.
“Have you eaten anything today?”
He shook his head.
“I ordered breakfast, but I was too nervous to eat.”
“Sandy will have food,” Kelly said, looking out the window as they drove through the neighborhood to her son’s house.
Augie would make everything better.
Chapter 3
Monday morning Kelly’s alarm went off at five. She woke up with an awful headache, but wouldn’t call out sick from work. It was a personal objective that she go unless she was really sick. If she could stand up and wasn’t contagious, she worked.
Steve had been sleeping in his recliner in the basement. Working ten-hour days to her eight he was often gone before she got up. Today was no exception. Looking in the garage, his truck wasn’t there, and it made her sad, made her long for him. They hadn’t spoken since getting home from Augie’s Saturday night. Titan and his mother had worked out their problems, and Lee got on the plane late Saturday without contacting Steve again.
Moping around all day Sunday, Steve acted exactly like he did after he got home from Vietnam. If he’d had any communication with Titan and Lee, he didn’t tell Kelly. Suppressing her anger at Steve’s behavior, she didn’t suggest he call his doctor or encourage him to get his antidepressant filled like she did in the past. An adult man, if he couldn’t figure out what was making him sad, Kelly certainly wasn’t going to call attention to it again. All she wanted was for her life to go on as it had in the past - a perfectly balanced play of her scripting.
After showering and applying makeup, she went out to the kitchen to get coffee. The creamer was a spicy cinnamon vanilla creation, more chemicals than creamer, but it was perfect for the fall weather. It was still dark out, but there was a chill in the air, the house heater not clicking on yet. A sip of the coffee brought back memories, visuals of her children on a sunny fall day, streaming down the stairs, ready to go to school.
Like it was yesterday, she remembered when she was pregnant with Alice, having two-year-old Reggie on her hip, drinking morning coffee.
Augie, a conscientious senior student who always had his homework done and was loved by his teachers, was dressed in his Catholic high school uniform of shirt and tie, and his trousers neat with a sharply pressed crease.
Next Ben and Lisa, junior high students, chatting about their shared classes, Ben looking dapper in a navy blue blazer and Lisa in a green plaid jumper.
Ken, second grade and proud of it, in a little uniform, so cute that Kelly had it shadow-boxed when he outgrew it.
The four of them would eat breakfast and then leave for the bus stop two houses down. Kelly watched them from the porch, Augie ruffling Ken’s hair, Ken proud of his big brother. When they were off to school, Kelly began her day, doing the never-ending laundry a family of seven generated, and then she would start dinner. Reggie would get a nap in and she’d try to sleep while he did. At two sharp, her mother-in-law would come to sit with Reggie when Kelly went to work the afternoon shift.
Mrs. Boyd made Kelly’s life as a working mother easy, following Kelly’s directions to a tee. The children came home from school and did their homework. Ken might have a page of alphabets to practice, but it was just as important as Augie’s calculus.
; When Steve got home that evening, his mother would serve the dinner Kelly had started, and then leave for home. Getting the children to bed didn’t take much effort on his part, because they all knew what was expected of them. Steve only had to deal with Reggie.
At midnight, Kelly came home to the same thing every night. Steve would be in front of the TV in his recliner, sleeping. The kitchen was usually in good order, thanks to her children, who knew how to load the dishwasher and wipe off the table. Whatever was left undone, she’d finish, taking something out of the freezer for dinner the next day. Going upstairs, she’d move from room to room, checking on her children, changing Reggie’s diaper if need be, and get ready for bed herself.
On this fall morning, as she took that first sip of coffee, the cinnamon flavor filled her with nostalgia. Lowering her head, she began to weep again, aware that she was ruining her makeup. Slights and buried pain were magnified because of Lee, and Kelly overreacted in her thoughts, twisting and complicating things, blowing it out of proportion. Discounting any good her marriage had, she focused on its deficit.
Filling the house with children hid her empty marriage. Steve didn’t love her completely because he was in love with someone else. This morning, she missed her young family and the busyness that gave her life value. Could she keep chasing them now, trying to pull meaning from her relationships with them? Or would the discovery of Steve’s hidden life be the catalyst necessary to force her to find a life outside of her children? Shaking her head to try to clear her thoughts, she knew it was ludicrous to criticize her life, taking the full blame for an unhappy marriage.
“I don’t want a life outside of my children,” she said out loud.
Back to the bedroom to fix her makeup, Kelly got ready to leave for work. The angst was from the sadness of the discovery of Steve’s one mistake, no reason to throw out her entire basis for living. But she wasn’t convinced.
As she poured a cup of coffee in a travel mug, she refocused on this moment. This was her kitchen. Steve was her husband, for the time being. The mother of six children, a job she was good at, a few hobbies, and friends and family to whom she was loyal and caring. Those things had been enough for her. Why should it change because her husband had a lapse of moral character forty years ago?
The Jade Emperor Page 4