They hung up and Alice prepared for bed. She could hear the sound of the washer spinning. Ken was doing his laundry.
Alice and Maxine had a basement bedroom that was slowly becoming Ken’s home away from home. This was the sixth time in October that he’d slept there because of Terry locking him out of their apartment. Substance abuse was starting to interfere with his life and his job would be next. Ken had received a warning that a patient complained he had alcohol on his breath one night after he was called in to the hospital for an emergency case. It was an innocent situation when he was home for the night and had a beer before he went to bed. At two in the morning, his phone rang; it was the nursing supervisor saying she couldn’t reach one of the call staff and asking if he could fill in. Not impaired, it never occurred to him to refuse to help out because he’d had a beer two hours earlier.
Now his nursing manager watched him like a hawk. The union representative had refused to enforce a drug test because he’d had one two months before and wasn’t due for four months. Lying on the twin bed in the basement bedroom of his sister’s house with his eyes closed, he waited for the washing machine to stop spinning around so he could put his clothes in the dryer. When it stopped, he got up to transfer his laundry. As he was bending over, taking the clothes out of the washer, he heard a noise and turned quickly. Maxine was standing there, staring with her mouth open.
Ken was naked. He put his hands in the fig-leaf position but it was too late. She’d seen, and he was reacting. “Jesus, Max, don’t you knock?”
She slowly shook her head.
“Nope, never.”
Looking at her, at her beautiful skin and big brown eyes, she usually seemed miserable, at least she acted like she was, but tonight, she looked feminine and gentle.
“Ah, what do you want?” His hands had moved from covering his parts and she tried not to look. “I keep waiting for the sarcasm.”
She shook her head again.
“No, no sarcasm. Frankly, I’m shocked. You Boyd men have such little hands. I guess that must be a myth.”
“You don’t really believe that shit, do you? Besides, my hands aren’t so little. I wear a size 8 glove in the OR.”
She stared at his face for another few seconds, and it gave him a chance to take in her athletic build. Startled, he never thought Maxine would wear a pink nighty.
“I’m surprised you’re wearing pink.”
Confused, she looked down at her nightgown, having forgotten what she was wearing, and smirked.
“You think lesbians just wear sweatpants to bed? You’ve got a lot to learn.”
It was his turn to smirk. “Anything you care to teach me?”
“Ah, no. Please wait to dry your clothes till the morning. The drier has developed a new thump, and it will keep me up.”
“No problem,” he said, turning around and remembering again he was naked. “Anytime you want to leave will be fine with me.”
“Sorry,” she said. “And don’t tell Alice.”
“No worries,” he said, waiting for her to turn around. “I can’t jeopardize my home away from home.”
Slowly turning to leave, Maxine recognized Alice in Ken’s face, the gentleness was the same only Ken was too gentle to cope, and self-medicating was killing him.
“Knock it off, Ken,” she said, her hand on the railing.
“No,” he replied. “I’m hooked. I’d have to find something to replace it with. At least alcohol is legal.”
“Well, stop it, and get some help. I love Alice too much to watch her suffer because someone she loves so goddamned much is self-destructing.”
Ken looked away, refusing to take what she said seriously, at least that night.
Chapter 8
Kelly was finally in shock, exactly where she should have been the day the tall Asian man appeared on her porch and she pretended that she would cope. Able to deal with the betrayal that Steve had had an affair, able to accept the fact that he had a child with another woman, she was even able to rationalize that she’d spent all of her adult life with a man who didn’t love her.
But doing a complete turnaround, what she now couldn’t accept, wouldn’t accept, was the possibility that her children would have anything to do with that slimy woman and her child. Titan could have been a saint, and she wasn’t going to embrace him.
If Steve had been contrite - coming to her on his knees asking for forgiveness - she might have found the strength to include Lee and Titan in her family’s life. But now that Steve was leaving her for Lee, going to make a life for them probably right in the same town where she grew up, and people knew her mom and dad, and her children had gone all through school, she didn’t want anything to do with them.
Kelly’s fantasy of having one big happy family was shattered when Steve had disrespectfully brought Lee to the house. The illusion was destroyed when the children witnessed what happened. Seeing Lee in action, critiquing Kelly’s dessert and admonishing the children, was all it took to force Kelly to face reality.
“Screw you, Lee,” she’d shouted to an empty house.
After midnight, sitting in the dark, drinking wine alone, and thinking about everything, how she’d worked so hard to have a certain type of family, it had ended like this. Alice bursting into tears after dinner was the worst, Steve making his hateful homophobic comment, one he’d made in secret to Kelly, making her skin crawl. As much as she tried to enlighten and teach him, that he could say the things he’d said about his own daughter made her love for Steve evaporate. There wasn’t much love left anyway.
Kelly quickly slipped into defense mode. Now that her children knew the truth, she could take her cues from them. Earlier, she didn’t want to sway their opinions, but that was before she knew Steve was leaving her. Now he could appeal to them himself. She didn’t care if they turned their backs on Titan and Lee, and maybe even Steve.
Shuddering, she thought of how poorly Steve had always treated Reggie. Free-spirited Reggie, he was the sweetest kid and the nicest adult man. It wasn’t apparent until he was a preteen how much Steve disliked him, and he no longer tried to hide it. Shielding Reggie from Steve took a tremendous amount of energy. Looking back, she realized it would have been easier to leave Steve at the time; she had been wrong not to.
One incident stood out: Reggie played chess with the chess club in his middle school, and the parents were invited to observe. The animosity apparent for his own flesh and blood slithered out the night Kelly asked Steve if he’d like to accompany her to Reggie’s tournament.
“I’ve got a game at six,” he said. “The Tigers are playing the White Sox.”
“They only let the kids play one game, and the moves are timed. You’ll be back home before the fourth inning.”
“I don’t want to go,” Steve whined, petulant. “It’s too embarrassing. The kid reminds me of your father. No one in my family is fat.”
Rather than start a hopeless fight with him, Kelly let him have the last word, running back up the stairs.
Once he was comfortable criticizing Reggie, it seemed that Steve couldn’t stop. Changing their routines, she fed the children long before Steve came home from work. Dinnertime switched from being a tense, miserable scene of Steve harping, to a relaxed, fun opportunity for everyone to talk about their day. Kelly loved the meal after that, spending the afternoon moments of free time at work planning something special for her children.
The segregation she slowly instituted at home gradually became the norm, seven days a week. Planning fun things for the weekend no longer included Steve to his relief, as well. Summer vacations up at her parents’ lake house in Algonac now included the children’s friends, as well as Karen and Eve.
College visiting trips were made with Kelly alone, or sometimes Karen or Major Dailey would accompany them. Rarely would Steve join her at parents’ weekends or homecoming or any of the other numerous functions her children invited her to attend at their schools.
Not wanting to think about t
hose memories so late at night, she’d never get any sleep and she still had four days of work. Pulling herself up off the couch to go to bed, she made another decision; she hadn’t taken any personal time off since Eve had died, and she was due. It was time for a sick day. Reaching for the phone, she dialed the hospital number and told her first lie in years.
Hanging up, she felt great that she would have the time off. If finances allowed, she might even take a leave of absence. Although she could retire at sixty-two, she couldn’t start collecting her pension until she was sixty-five. Pulling a nightgown over her head, she got into bed alone for the fourth night in a row. All the hours she’d wasted - willing Steve to turn to her, fighting to preserve her self-esteem because of his disinterest - was all for nothing.
Thanks to the wine, Kelly had a good sleep. Tuesday morning, she got up later than usual. It was a good day for a run. Not having to go to work felt awesome. The weather was slowly changing and the temperature frosty, so she dressed appropriately, which could serve as a disguise in case a co-worker saw her. Thoughts of Steve didn’t enter her mind until she stepped outdoors. Did he go to work that day? Kelly didn’t think he’d leave Lee alone in a motel room, and Steve could rationalize a day off from work for a fleabite.
Running past the only hotel in the neighborhood, she saw his truck in the parking lot in front of room number eighteen. Immediately heat flooded over her body. Instead of stifling her feelings, she wanted to feel everything, as though the high was drug induced. What was it? An adrenaline rush for sure. Anger? A little jealousy thrown in? Or was she simply heartbroken? Even the room number meant something to her. Eighteen.
The shades were pulled tight. Steve usually got up early for work, but when he took a day off, he liked to sleep in. Kelly imagined them sleeping close together. It would be one of the first times he’d slept with Lee in years. Acknowledging this brought a torrent of renewed grief.
Kelly and Steve hadn’t had sex in ages; his excuse was that he had no libido. “Zilch,” he said.
So it wasn’t his disinterest that hurt so much; she was used to it. They’d slowly separated naturally, like peeling bark off a tree. The analogy stung; it was difficult to wrap her brain around all those lonely, anxious years.
Finally, walking away from the motel before Steve found her there, the thought had come to her that if she wanted it, she could probably have a relationship again someday with someone else. Unlikely, but possible. She wasn’t too old.
***
Steve woke up suddenly, knowing Kelly was lurking outside the motel. Still in bed next to Lee who softly snored, he didn’t want to disturb her. The feeling persisting, he got up carefully, moving the curtain just a hair, and saw Kelly standing behind his truck, pale and sad, making him anxious.
It wasn’t that he was trying to hide from Kelly. He still had feelings for her, it was impossible not to. They’d been together all their lives and once he’d decided to end it, he responded to it like taking a bandage off a wound, with one quick swipe. The problem was he had to make a choice between the two women, choosing happiness with Lee over drudgery with Kelly. They’d evolved to misery over a period of time. Kelly had done such a good job protecting him over the years, her comments that she always knew he was unhappy were shocking and embarrassing to him.
Steve never wanted a wife and family, and only married Kelly because she was crazy about him. His parents said he was nuts if he let money like she came from get away. Like any irresponsible kid, he had sex with her without thinking of the consequences. And she wanted a family right away. In case something happens to you, she said, like she was planning for his death in Vietnam. Having Augie wasn’t a shared decision.
In Vietnam, opening mail from home was the highlight of a soldier’s day, but for Steve, letters came with pictures of his mother holding her first grandson, and he dreaded it, mail call making him ill. There was nothing touching about his mother holding a child he had been reluctant to have.
When he got home from Vietnam, Steve didn’t recognize Augie, the toddler. Kelly obsessed about caring for him and didn’t encourage Steve to play with the boy or bond with him in any way, so he didn’t. A few years later, he finally snapped out of the fog he’d been in, recognizing that he had a nice little family and, thanks to Kelly, a nice little life.
The few friends he had were getting married and having babies, so he thought, What the hell, and said to Kelly, “Let’s have another kid.”
The day she shared that she was carrying twins, he regressed back into the old depression, this bout lasting almost a year. Coming home from work exhausted, dirty, and angry like he usually was, he found that she had the house decorated with baby icons, two of everything. He didn’t get it.
“What’s this?” he said, trying not to be grumpy Steve.
Two other memes, happy and neutral, he copied from Kelly. All he could muster that afternoon was neutral Steve. Neutral Steve pretended to enjoy whatever was happening by imitating Kelly. He even repeated what she was saying.
“I have a surprise for you!” she said, trying without success not to be too excited.
She clapped her hands together.
So Steve did the same thing, jumping a little and clapping his hands. “You have a surprise?”
He even managed to mask the sarcasm.
“If you haven’t guessed by dinner, I’ll tell you then.”
“Can you at least give me a hint?” He asked.
She glanced at her cardboard storks and baby bootie posters.
“You need a hint?” she replied, frowning.
“Okay, I got that it has something to do with the baby,” Steve said, looking around the room.
Suddenly bored with the topic of babies, he yawned.
“What’s for dinner?”
Throwing his jacket over a chair instead of hanging it up in the closet right next to it, he went into the kitchen, groaning when he saw the theme had infiltrated his mealtime.
“Wash your hands, and I’ll feed you,” Kelly said, just like a mother.
Not his mother, who didn’t care if he came to the table covered in shit. Steve went to the kitchen sink and lathered up with the smelly soap in a pump bottle. It wasn’t until he sat down at the table and she placed his food in front of him that he started to feel sick.
They were having Chinese. There was two of everything. Two pigs in a blanket, two wontons, two egg rolls, two steamed dumplings, and she’d used a tube of wasabi paste to write Congratulations! across his plate. He looked up at her and fought not to grimace, wanting to jump up and throw the plate across the room.
“We’re having twins!” she cried, elated.
Her joy only incensed him more. But he had to be careful; he’d been known to overreact in the past. Neutral Steve kicked in again.
“We’re having twins. Wow.”
“I know you must be shocked,” she said, gently. “But don’t worry. I won’t be off work long. Nothing will change much for you.”
Later he thought how his life didn’t change at all, no matter what happened. Kelly saw to it that he was never disturbed.
“Twins will change things a lot around here,” he replied.
The money it would cost to add two kids to the roster, not to mention the crying - dual howling into the night. Picking up a fork, he shoveled the food in, hoping she’d take a hint and leave him alone.
“They won’t change anything, Steve. Don’t worry about that. Your mother already said she would babysit for us.”
Steve put his fork down, glaring at Kelly.
“Why do you think I’d want my mother within ten feet of this house, let alone babysitting my kids?”
Mention of his mother had roused a tiny bit of possessiveness of his children. Kelly didn’t get it.
“What’s wrong with your mother? She raised a big family and didn’t do such a bad job of it.”
“Yeah, well, there’s a lot you don’t know,” Steve said.
Kelly looked at him carefu
lly.
“Do you mean her drinking? She’s been in AA for ten years now, Steve. She’s probably more enlightened than either of us.”
“You know, I hate that phrase. Just what the hell does it mean? Enlightened in what way? Because she realizes she was a lush, now that makes her deep?”
“No, that’s not what I mean. She knows what she did hurt the family. She tried to make amends, but you wouldn’t give her a chance.”
Steve got up and walked away from the table.
“Don’t get pregnant thinking my mother is going to bail you out when you need someone to babysit.”
Saddened by his response, she allowed him the last word. Picking up his plate, she thought of her life, of her home and her little boy. Augie meant everything to her, and he was doing well in school, thriving in every way. Steve wasn’t involved, but Kelly didn’t think it was important. Mr. Dailey worked all the time, yet she and Karen knew how important they were to him. Steve was like her father in many ways. After work, he came home on time every night and seemed to be proud of the life they were building together.
The similarities ended there, but Kelly didn’t expect more from Steve, and she didn’t allow his jab to hurt her. Understanding his frustration, Kelly was hopeful once the babies were born, he’d change his mind, just like he did when he saw Augie for the first time.
Steve didn’t think his children with Kelly looked like him, yet the minute he laid eyes on Titan, he knew - Titan was definitely his son. He didn’t need to have DNA testing done, because he knew in his gut he was the father of Lee’s son.
Discovering Kelly pacing outside the motel room made him anxious because of his guilt. And he didn’t like to be wrong or need to be reminded of what he’d done to her. Looking out again, she’d finally gone. Relieved, but conflicted, he almost wished she’d come up to the door and knocked on it so he could invite her in and rub her nose in what he’d done.
Unfaithful with Lee years ago, he didn’t consider what he was doing now as infidelity because his marriage was over. What Kelly had done to him - entrapped him, entangling him in a life he didn’t necessarily want - was worse.
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