We all stand and stare after him. Mike never backs down. Never. He’s an asshole. He has no diplomatic skills, and no filters. He’s definitely an acquired taste, but I’ve actually begun to see his finer qualities over the last few months, and I thought we were doing okay.
Walsh stands. “I’ll go,” he says.
“No.” I put out a hand like a stop sign. “Let me. It’s between he and I, I can handle it.”
I see both Colin and Walsh look at Joss, but he just shrugs, so no one says anything as I walk off the direction Mike exited.
I find him leaning against a wall near a lighting closet just offstage. He’s got a bottle of water but it’s hanging from his hand alongside his leg. His head is down, chin to chest as he sort of slumps there alone.
I approach cautiously, waiting to see him look up and acknowledge me. When he doesn’t, I just lean against the wall next to him and cross my arms, ready to battle.
“I don’t believe for one second that you can’t figure that transition out,” I say.
He sighs. “Look, I’m not fucking up on purpose, Tully. I realize why you’d think that, but I’m not.”
He sounds so genuine, so beaten down and unlike himself my temper dies down almost immediately.
“So what’s going on?” I ask.
“I’ve got some things on my mind. I guess it’s distracting me. I’m trying to pull it together, but honestly? I’m not sure I can today.”
Backstage technicians are walking past, but because we’re in this little darkened niche, no one seems to notice us.
I’m not sure how I’m supposed to handle Mike right now. If he were one of my brothers I’d tell him I don’t give a shit about his drama and he needs to get it together. But I don’t think he deserves that. He’s a jerk, but he’s our jerk—Lush’s—so I can’t just tear into him when he’s down like this. I choose to go the “sister” route instead. Talking to him the way I would if my sister was in the same circumstances.
“So, uh, do you want to talk about it?” I ask quietly, ready to run for the hills when he starts yelling at me.
He glances up at me, then his eyes drop again. “The guys don’t know…”
I make a key turning motion at my lips and throw away the pretend key.
“Jenny found out she was pregnant a couple of weeks ago.”
So he’s freaking out about being a father. That’s no surprise. He’s hardly the type.
“But yesterday she miscarried,” he continues.
Oh. Shit. My stomach does a little twist, and my eyes burn. Jenny is the sweetest woman you’d ever meet. She’s a country star, wholesome, blue eyed, blonde haired. Sort of Mike’s polar opposite, but they work.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him putting a hand on his forearm.
He holds his hand over mine for a moment before patting it and letting it go. “Thanks. It’s not so much that I’m torn up about it—I mean, I was excited, but it was really just a concept to me, not much reality there yet. But, Jenny is all kinds of sad, and it’s killing me.”
“Is she in Portland?” I ask.
“No. She’s been on tour, so I can’t go to her.” He leans his head back against the wall, looking up to the ceiling, and I can see the pain etched on his face, something that’s at odds with his typical fuck the world aesthetic.
“You know, my sister had a miscarriage.”
“Yeah? Was it hard on her?”
I nod. “It was. Six months later she was pregnant again and now I’ve got a darling nephew, but there were some rough times in there. I’d be happy to ask Savvy to call Jenny. I mean, maybe it would help her to talk to someone who’s been through it? I think it’s different for the woman who’s actually felt those changes inside of her, you know?”
“You don’t think Savvy would mind?”
“Not at all. In fact, she worked with a support group for women who’d miscarried. She helped lead the weekly meetings and stuff. She knows quite a bit about it.”
Mike turns to me and doesn’t say anything, just wraps his big arms around me and squeezes. I’m shocked, but I go with it, patting him on the back gingerly. When he finally pulls away I’d swear his eyes are damp, but that couldn’t be true because he’s Mike Fucking Owens. I don’t think the guy cried even as an infant.
“I can’t tell you how much that means to me, Tully. It’s like a huge weight off my chest. I’ve been checking on her all day, but I don’t know what to say and I feel helpless. To know that Savvy can be there for her too? What a relief.”
I give him a shoulder bump. “No biggie, really. We’ve got her back.”
He grabs my hand and leads us back toward the stage. “In case I haven’t told you lately, I’m really glad Dave adopted you,” he says.
I roll my eyes and laugh.
“Welcome to the family, T.” He leans down and kisses my temple as we walk onstage where the other guys are waiting. They applaud and smile at us, and my heart grows about ten sizes. The family. My family. A family that really wants me. Blaze may have tired of me already, but this helps. Family helps. It’s what I’ve been searching for most of my life, and I’ll do whatever it takes to preserve it.
I’m walking down a hallway backstage after rehearsals when I’m suddenly yanked into a broom closet as I pass by. I yelp, but before I can start to fight, strong hands pin me to the door, familiar lips crush mine, a big, hot body grinds against me, and I hear Blaze groan as he kisses me nearly senseless. I moan in response and I can’t help the way my entire body molds itself around him. My hips tilt to meet his erection, my breasts ache for his touch, one of my legs lifts to wrap around his hip, and my hands move to his back, snaking under the hem of his t-shirt to feel his smooth, burning skin.
When he finally lifts his head to take a breath I regain my senses and shove at him. “What the fuck? You stood me up last night. You don’t get to ravish me in a closet today.”
He runs his lips across my collar bone and I can’t help the breathy noise that comes out of me.
“I’m sorry, babe. So sorry,” he whispers.
I drop my hands to the wall behind me and lift my face to the ceiling, trying to disengage even as he continues to kiss and taste me from chest to temples.
“What the hell is going on, Blaze?”
He finally leans back and looks me in eyes. “I panicked. I’m sorry. I was so worried that I’ve ruined everything for you.”
I can see the anguish in his gaze, and I put my palm along his stubble-rough cheek. “Hey, what happened? You’re scaring me.”
“When Colin came to your door last night?”
I nod.
“I was walking down the hallway on my way to your room at the same time. Before he knocked I walked by him, trying to act like I had business some other place on the floor. But then you opened the door and acted like you’d been expecting someone.”
I sigh. I’m relieved. He’s worrying about something he doesn’t have to. Colin totally bought my excuse about room service. It’s all good.
“It’s all fine, guitar hero. He wasn’t suspicious at all. And he only stayed for a couple of minutes, didn’t even come inside.” I kiss him softly on the lips. “You’ve been beating yourself up over nothing. It’s all good, I promise.”
“Oh, short stack, I wish that were true.” He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out his phone. He swipes the screen and pushes a few buttons before holding it up in front of my face. I read the text displayed there.
503-555-1212: I don’t know what’s going on, but if I find out you fucked with her there will be nowhere you can hide.
I blink at the words for a moment trying to process what I’m seeing.
“Who sent that?” I ask, my voice smaller than I’ve ever heard it.
“Colin,” he answers. “I checked the number against the tour directory. It came within five minutes of seeing him outside your door.”
My breath is shaky and fear spikes in my chest. “So you think he knows?”
 
; “I think he strongly suspects.”
I forget that Blaze stood me up, I forget that we’re in a broom closet, I forget that I’m supposed to be on my way to the parking lot to get a ride back to the hotel. All I can think is that I’m going to be thrown out of the band, and it’ll serve me right. The Lush guys have been so good to me. They had every reason to hate me, but they’ve gotten used to me, they’ve let me in, both musically and personally. They’ve been kind and considerate and generous and I’ve repaid them by screwing the one guy in the world they don’t like.
“Oh my God,” I whisper stepping away from Blaze.
“I panicked, babe. I didn’t know what to do, and I’m so sorry for bailing on you last night. I can’t stand the idea that I’ve gotten you into this situation. It’s selfish and I’m an asshole for putting what I wanted ahead of what’s best for you.”
He’s tortured, I can hear it in his voice, but I’m too caught up in my own turmoil to comfort him. My mind is spinning with panic. I think back to today’s rehearsal, every word Colin said, every look he gave me. Had he told the rest of them yet? Could they have been that normal with me if they knew? I don’t think so. Joss and Mike wear their hearts on their sleeves, they couldn’t have played music with me all morning and not addressed an elephant like that in the room.
Blaze has leaned back against the wall next to me, his hands in his front pockets, chin to his chest.
When I speak, my voice is small, and I hate it. I hate this. “What do I do now?”
“I don’t know. But I’ll back you one hundred percent, no matter what you decide.” He shifts to face me, touching my hair as I swivel my head to look him in the eyes. “I panicked last night, but short stack—” His voice is rough and it works its way down deep inside of me. “—I woke up this morning and I realized that I’d rather endure whatever they have to dish out than lose this time with you.”
His brow furrows, and I hear his breath hitch as he struggles to express himself. “If you decide that we need to end it I’ll do it and I won’t bother you again. But that’s not what I want.” He moves and puts his body in front of mine again, not pressing against me, but mere inches away, his hands on either side of my head against the wall. “I’m kind of crazy about you, Tully. I don’t care if we only have a few weeks, I want every second of that. I want to be with you as much as I can, however I can.”
I take a deep breath and realize immediately that I’ve made a mistake, because I can smell him. His warm skin. Sandlewood and his clean cotton t-shirt. It puts a terrible ache in my chest just left of center. The scent reminds me of being in his bed, the beaches of Malibu outside the windows. His mouth and hands roaming all over my body. Watching him make me breakfast in the mornings, his head between my thighs as the soft, warm water from his shower pulsed around me.
In the months since I started playing for Lush I’ve come to care about them a great deal. They’re hardworking, and tolerant, and considerate. They’ve welcomed me, they’ve respected me. And I crave that. Their approval, their attention. I know that I’m needy that way, but never once have they acted like it was a burden. And I’m smart enough to realize that my desire for their approval stems from the problems I’ve had with my own family all these years. But those same family troubles also taught me something—I can’t be someone I’m not.
I tried when I was growing up. I wished to be different, I prayed to be different, I worked to be different. But I play music, I love hard, and I don’t always have a great deal of patience. No matter what I tried when I was younger, I’m still Tully. That’s why I know that I can’t pretend with my new band either. And if they reject me like my family has, then that’s the cross I’ll have to bear.
I take his face in my hands, looking into his sad, worried eyes. “I want to be with you too. We have so little time, I don’t want to miss out on any of it. That’s why I have to tell them.”
The furrow in between his brows grows deeper. “Oh, short stack.” He sighs. “You don’t have to do that.”
“Yeah,” I tell him as I kiss him softly on the lips. “I do.”
“Are you sure?” He rubs his thumb across my bottom lip, his eyes drifting between my mouth and my eyes.
“No, but that doesn’t matter, it’s what I have to do.”
“Okay then. We’ll do it together.”
Before I know what’s happening he’s taken my hand and is leading me out of the broom closet. He takes me right to the Lush dressing room and knocks sharply on the door before leading us in. I’m too stunned to be of much use, but when we walk in and I see the looks on Joss and Mike’s faces as they look from Blaze to me and then down to our linked hands, I’m jolted into action.
“Hi, um, can I…can we, talk to you guys for a minute?”
Joss clears his throat uncomfortably, and I hear Mike mutter, “Fuck, I’m not going to like this.”
Colin is looking at me from under his brows and I think I see disapprobation in his eyes. The accusation that I lied to him last night. I try to focus on the rest of the guys. I’m going to need to apologize to Colin, but I’ve got to get through this first.
“I haven’t been completely honest with you the last couple of weeks—”
“Obviously,” Mike grits out as he gives Blaze the evil eye. I squeeze Blaze’s hand to remind him that getting into it with Mike wouldn’t serve our purpose here. To his credit, he keeps it in check.
“I’ve been…” I pause, realizing that I don’t have a word for what Blaze and I have been doing. It’s more than fucking, but he’s hardly my boyfriend.
“Dating me,” Blaze interjects, seeming to be much clearer on the whole thing than I am. “Tully and I have been dating since San Diego and she doesn’t want to keep it from you anymore. But before you say anything you need to know that it was all my idea. She told me to get lost and I pursued her.” He gazes down at me, concern and warmth all over his beautiful features. “I’m really fucking lucky that she eventually agreed to have anything to do with me—” Joss’s eyebrow raises so high I’m afraid it might lift off of his face. “—but she didn’t want to keep it from you guys anymore, and I agree.”
Joss looks at me, leaving Blaze’s words hanging in the air between us all. “Tully?” he asks quietly. “What’s going on?”
I swallow, tears suddenly rising in my throat. The guilt is overwhelming. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I kept it from you. I thought it was just going to be this one-time thing, but um—” I look up into Blaze’s blue eyes and he grounds me, the feel of his thumb stroking my knuckles, his warm, strong body aligned with mine from shoulder to hip, the look of—something—in his eyes as he gazes at me. It all keeps me from flying apart into tiny pieces. “We know that it’s impossible to keep seeing each other after the tour, but we want to be able to spend the rest of the tour together. I need you guys to know. I don’t need you to approve, but I’d like it so much if you could all bury the hatchet.” I look each of the five guys in the room in the eyes. “For me.”
Blaze
The band and I have blocked out the day of travel to hang out together. No one else is allowed on the bus with us, and we’ve been messing around with some new material. As we approach a stop for lunch, though, things have deteriorated into one of our free-for-alls. A voice inside my head complains that these moments are a waste when we should be practicing, but another part of me remembers how crucial it was for my football teams to have these times—just spontaneous bonding. It makes for a better team, and as much as it goes against my natural inclinations I know that we need these moments too.
As we pull into the parking lot of some restaurant in the downtown of whatever inland city we’re passing through, Dez is rapping. “They call me the Blaze, cause the way I playz, I’ll get the raise, and go on for days. I call you loser, cause you a hoozier, you’ll get the short end and go on to nothin’.”
I’m picking out whatever notes I can on my guitar to back him up while Carson taps out the beat on his knees an
d Garrett sings the worst doo wop background vocals I’ve ever had the misfortune of hearing. Topher has taken to videoing the whole thing to post on our social media accounts.
None of us notices when the bus stops and the doors open.
“When I metcha’ mama, down in Alabama, I knew fo’ sho’, she was a—”
“Don’t you dare go there,” Tully admonishes from the doorway of the bus.
Dez’s mouth snaps shut and the rest of us stop our nonsense and turn around.
“Really?” She stands, hand on hip, one eyebrow raised looking at us like we’re a bunch of naughty schoolboys, and we act accordingly. It’s been like this ever since we brokered a truce with her band. Yes, we actually have permission from her four bandmates to date. I’m not sure which town on the tour I left my balls in, but obviously I need to find them again. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to quit fucking Tully long enough to take care of that.
“Hey babe!” I say as I jump up with a ridiculously big smile on my face.
“He started it,” Dez shouts, pointing to Topher.
“No way, man, I’m just the film crew.”
Garrett throws his hands in the air. “Don’t look at me. I’m still drunk from last night.”
Carson scratches his head. “Uh, should I put some pants on or something?”
I glare at him. “Yeah, man, now’s a good time for pants.” He shuffles off to the back of the bus, his boxers drooping off his bony hips, his bed head hair sticking up every which way.
I step to Tully and give her a warm kiss on the cheek then my best “don’t shoot me” grin. “What brings you by, gorgeous?”
Her eyes narrow for a moment as she looks around at the rest of the guys who are now copying my patented grin.
She rolls her eyes and looks back at me. “They’re bringing in lunch from a couple of the downtown restaurants. I wondered if you wanted to eat at the little park with me? Get off the buses for a bit.”
I know the guys are going to give me shit for this the rest of the way to San Francisco, but fuck yes I want to have lunch with Tully. And let’s face it, they’ll only be giving me shit because they wish it was them.
A Lush Rhapsody: A Rhapsody Novel Page 15