by Vance Huxley
“Yes, but your people play withoutweapons, swearing or fights, and everyone sticks to the rules without threatening to kill the ref. It’s a novelty, and the players are definitely more attractive. Allegedly.” Vulcan sighed, dramatically, then chuckled. “I’m asking because they’re bending my ear,so any chance? If you let a couple have a go it’ll shut the rest up and make them even better behaved, hoping for a chance. Cy reckons the Barbies want to play as well?”
“They do, and if I let a few of your lads have a go, they’ll insist.” Harold couldn’t help a snigger. “The Barbies want to join the swimsuit league.”
“Er,cripes, nobody mentioned that. I might even come to see myself.” Vulcan laughed and slapped Harold on the arm. “Cheer up. Imagine watching our blokes or the Barbies trying not to swear when they’ve been fouled.”
“I’ll ask our players if they mind, and they’ll decide who gets the chance.” Harold glanced towards the cannon, now hooked up to an SUV on the access road. “Now do you want your toy or not?”
“Oh yes. We’ll send you a video clip of the first shot at a live target.” Vulcan headed for his car with a definite spring in his step.
WhenHaroldstopped the convoy just inside his border, Vulcan came to see why. “It’s not actually fixed yet.” Harold showed him the shiny clean hole. “You can’t fire it using that hole, but I daren’t put a firing mechanism on it where the Army could see. The sergeant threatened us with artillery and napalm if it looked operational. I told him the ideawas to make it look pretty so someone would buy it and put it outside their front door. We’ve stopped to sort out a test firing.” He pointed at a nearby garage that still had a door and roof. “I’m going to shove it in there straight after, and hide in case a helicopter appears.”
Vulcan looked up at the sky, alarmed. “F... Cripes. So how do we get to fire it?” He looked crestfallen and the other GOFS were as bad.Harold got the impression Vulcan would be looking for an excuse, any excuse, to use the cannon in real combat.
“When our welder fastens on our smith’scontraption, you’ll see.” Harold had stopped near a house with electricity. Liz and a welder lurked inside the garage, but now she came out and got busy. While she worked, Harold explained how it would work. “You’ll need a blank two-two cartridge.” He held one up. “This goes into the hole, there, which swivels into the box like a pistol cylinder. Pull this bar to cock it, pull the toggle there and boom. No safety, so be careful.You’ll want to use thislength of string or the recoil will bruise your shoulder.” Vulcan laughed and the other GOFS followed suit. Harold caught Liz’s little smile as she finished the welding. She knew the mechanism was just a single-shot two-two in a box, without the trigger, butt or barrel.
Ten minutes later Harold rammed a small charge down the barrelwhile the GOFS braced the tail against a kerb. Vulcan stood well to one side, and pulled the string.The GOFS whooped and cheered at the thunderous noise and cloud of smoke. So did Doll, Patty, Casper, Alfie, Tessa, Sharyn, Fergie and a score of others from Orchard Close, who’dfollowed just to see a real cannon fire. A good few of the spectators took video clips on phones to show to others. The GOFS put their shoulders to the cannon and ran it up the driveway into the decrepit garage as the spectators scattered.After half an hour peering at empty skies they all agreed the Army didn’t care what happened, providing it happened far enough away.Finding outexactly how far awaycould be a matter of life or death.
*
From Harold’s point of view, the range of a cannon or how far away from the Army they would object to banned weapons weren’t a matter of life or death. Pistol and rifle ammunition might be. The neighbours always seemed to have plenty of propellant but Harold never had enough. He already knew, from what happened in every serious attack,from the original rioters through to the defence of the Mart,a big fight would burn upevery round in Orchard Close in no time. He just hoped the likes of Caddi never realised he could spin out a fight until Harold simply ran out of bullets.Worse, Harold found himself in a catch-22. If he allowed the fighters to use up propellant in practice, he had less ammo for a fight but they’d be more accurate.
Meanwhile, Emmy’s garden gnomes were working flat out and commandeering everyone possible. Every other project, including improvements to the walls connecting the Annex to Orchard Close, had to be almost abandoned. The weather had been kind this year so Emmy had been able to stick to Curtis’s timetables, and expected a real surplus. Even the drier weather through July didn’t matter, except that bucketing out the water stored in the old sewers became a major chore.
At leastreloading the brass,and cleaning weapons, became less of a chore for Harold as Tessa quickly learned to be useful.The extra help meant Harold had more time to train the fighters with blades, and even get out into the fields and relax. Tessa still teased Harold now and then about what they were allegedly up to in the workshop, and Sharyn helped her. Harold found that relaxing, something normal when he went home on an evening, whileSharyn enjoyed Tessa’s company and having a babysitter sometimes.
Within weeks, even repairing the guns became less of a chore. Harold knew it wasn’t rocket science, but the speed ofTessa’s progress still surprised him. Tessa finally admitted that she pushed because she wanted to repair a few herself,then she could actually shootone to test it. She’d handled various firearms,even watching Stones stripping them down, so unlike most civvies Tessa felt comfortable with guns. Once she had a refresher about safety and safeties, Tessa could soon load or dry fire all the various weapons. Harold gave in and promised she could try a two-two rifle the next time he tested a repair. Tessa acted like a kid with a birthday coming up.
The squad leaderscasually brought up rifle shooting among their new squads. They reported thatamong the best with a crossbow,at least another eight fancied a rifle. Harold wasn’t surprised to find Ru was on the list; the small, feisty Asian woman wanted anything that would kill abanchod before he came into knife range. Doll begged off for now, because she wanted to concentrate on improving her pistolshooting andfighting with blades.Most of the potential shooters were women,to let the larger fighters concentrate on training with melee weapons such as maces.Many of the smaller fighters who were accurate with crossbows bemoaned the fact they weren’t as big as Emmy, so thebest they could hope for wasa chance at a two-two ‘toy’ rifle. Bethany and a couple of others knew about Patty, but kept their mouths shut and hoped that moved them up the list.
All the fighters were complaining about there not being more long range guns. According to many of the women they would be more accuratethan any gangster, because they hadn’t all that testosterone messing with their brains. The sight of the two newmainly-female squads sparked a rush of even more volunteers, and this time a good few of them were men. Some refugees weren’t looking for sanctuary to hide now; the women in particular had decided that if this was home, they wouldhelp to defend it.
Spring for Liz
The Barbie Girls took advantage of the new free passage to drive over and have a beer more often, which led to more GOFS visiting. Harold finally bowed to the pressure, and the football players allowed a few GOFS and Barbies to join in.The first football matches with gangsters among the players were hilarious, with Barbies stuffing fingers in their mouths to stop from swearing. After seeing Lenny administering first aid, nearly all the Barbies claimed they’d got severe sprains that needed massage. Patricia administering ice packs didn’t help, because the GOFS and some of the Barbies immediately wanted her to deal with their mystery sprains. Nobody took offence because the laughing faces made it clear they were joking. After a few matches without incident, almost all those looking for treatment were genuinely injured.
The Barbies tried to recruit Ru, and most of Patty’s or Doll’s squads whenever they saw one in her fighting kit. Others wanted Alfie or his squad to search them twice, but none of the guards accepted the offers of a sleepover at Beth’s. All the Orchard Close fighters began to wear what definitely becamelight armour, as the outbrea
k of enthusiasm among the residents moved on to protective clothing. As details of Harold’s near escape spread, many of the fighters made their own version of the plated jacket that deflected the crossbow bolt. The other squads began tocopy the Demons, sewing lengths of thin plate down their skirts. Experiments showed that the platesstopped slashes from a machete, soeven male guards started to wear reinforced skirts over their jeans. The women fighters adopted that, wearing jeans under their armoured skirts, with a few sewing or strappingprotection to their shins.
So far, Wamil remained a secret or the Barbies would definitely be after her, which became a private joke among the Demons. They thought it would be a good idea to let the Barbies know,so they would try to kidnap Wamil. Harold could make good money, ransoming the kidnap squads back once the quiet woman had beaten them senseless.
*
The next bewigged Barbie came in openly, not to kidnap anyone.Instead of getting a phone call, Harold found out when Casper knocked on the door of the gun workshop. “There’s another of those kooky Barbies with a wig at the gate, wanting you to search her personally.” He grinnedat Tessa and Harold. “I told her that Alfie had to search her first, in case she had anything sharp in there.”
“How kooky? Is it one we’ve seen?”
“This is a new one. She’s called Ski, but at least she’s not carrying any. Oh, and she wants us to tie her up first, and offered her own handcuffs.” All three of them were laughing now.
“Well I’m off to change into something tighter and not as comfortable.” Tessa headed for the door. Harold didn’t even argue, he’d lost that one too many times.
Once she’d gone out of sight, Casper murmured,”She fancies you, you know.” He sniggered at Harold’s look.
“Fairy off. She’s just pleased to be here instead of in Caddi’s place.” Harold kept going because Casper didn’t believe him.”I’ve known Tessa for years and she’s a friend, enough of a friend that we’ve been drunk together without getting amorous. So what does Alfie reckon to this one?”
“He’s in trouble this time, because she’s younger than most of the others and very wriggly.” Casper’s shoulders shook as he tried to keep in his laugh. “She’s a pretty young lass under the manic crap, soHazel won’t think it’s funny if she finds out.”
“That’s mean.”
That sobered Casper up. “No.She asked for a woman to search her, and not so she’d be safe. I don’t always know if they do that to get a bloke, or actually want a woman to do it, but this one was easy. Either way, if I give the job to some of the lads they’ll be too interested in searching her to look for any weaponry.Alfie will blush but he’ll do it right.” Harold had been packing his gear away while they spoke but Casper nodded to the tools. “You’ll need that lot later. She’s carrying a well wrapped something that will probably be a shotgun or rifle. That and there are eight guards in two carsas escort. I came to let you know rather than phone in case you don’t want the news to spread.”
“Cripes,we’ve never had any firearms from the Barbies before. I sometimes wondered if the GOFS had passed some through without saying, but thought maybe they didn’t trust each other enough.” Harold finished packing and clearing up. “Let’s go and see what brought this on.”
Ski wore a bright blue scarf round her blonde wig, big skiing goggles on her forehead, and ski pants. She looked to be late teens, had no visible tattoos, and complained vociferously about not being tied up as she came into the Embassy. By that time Tessa had perched on the arm of Harold’s chair,wearing tight jeans and a tee. Shesmiled sweetly at Harold because she knew how much it wound him up.
Alfie came along, definitely lookingflushed. He offered a long wrapped object. “It’s a rifle, Harold, and, er, Ski says it’s broken.” He turned to go, obviously relieved to get away.
“You’d better stay, since I’m supposed to have a bodyguard in here.” Harold couldn’t resist, and Alfie often did that job anyway.
“Ooh, so if I try to attack you, Alfie will leap on me? Who knows what you’d end up with your hand on this time?” Ski had a pretty smile but Alfie blushed harder;searching must have been lively.
“That’ll do. We’re not on show any more.” Harold smiled as he spoke, because the Barbies were funny when they weren’t annoyed.
“Yeah, sorry. It’s just that, well, it’s a novelty to find a bloke who has to be tricked into grabbing, er, well. Oops, nearly forgot where I am.” Ski sniggered, then made a definite effort to be serious. “It really is a novelty though.” Shelooked round very obviously, and pulled a face. “That’s mean. Where are the Demons? I was told there would be at least one. I’ve seen the pictures and hopedto get Tilly.” That told Harold which Demon had spiced up the pictures, or one of them.
“You caught us by surprise, while they’re all busy. Beer, cider, tea or coffee?” Tessa went into her hostess routine, which usually settled visitors down. It worked now, not least because she wasn’t a servant, serf or peasant. Soldier Boy’s wench getting the drinksacted as an ego stroke for the type that cared.
“Beer please. It’s good stuff regardless of what berries you use. You should open a pub.” They all laughed at the old jokes, both about the name of the beer and a pub.So far no gangsters had realised that Berry Beer was originally named after the brewer’s daughter. There weren’t any labels now, but the name had stuck. “Seriously, some of us have been talking and you could set up a pub in here, in Orchard Close. The other idiotswe’ve heard about triedto set up on their own, without enough protection. If you put in proper bar skittles, music and a dartboard, we’d be setting up shifts at Beth’s for those wanting to come over here. I want ten percent for the idea of course.” Ski reached out for her beer and took a long drink. “Aah, lovely.”
“Not ten percent. If we set it up, you get one free beer when you visit.” Harold shook his head but began to seriously consider the idea. Put like that, the idea sounded feasible, because the canteen already served beer. Rig up the right atmosphere and sheer nostalgia would attract the surrounding gangsters in droves. “No using a crossbow on the dartboard.”
Ski giggled and raised her arms to mime using a crossbow. “You could arrange crossbow darts in the back yard?”
Fergie arrived in full kit, as a bodyguard, because Harold always had one of each sex now. “Casper said you needed someone who won’t blush if they have to handle a Barbie.”
“Bloody hell. Er, sorry. You weren’t in the pictures.” Ski started to give Fergie a slow once-over and stopped. “I keep forgetting where I am. Are you a Demon?”
“Yes,there’s quite a few of us now. I didn’t pose for the pictures because I don’t usually have to advertise. You must be Ski. I had a Ski Barbie, a million years ago.” Fergie sighed nostalgicallyand everyone sobered for a moment until Harold moved on to business.
“Bet you didn’t come for a beer, or to give me ideas about new ways to part you from your coupons.” Harold looked very obviously at the wrapped package. “Did you want to sell that?”
“Not sell. One of the girls found a friendly Geek, avery talkative Geek wanting to show off his new weapon. A big, sharp knife? He called it a Rambo and apparently that’s what it looked like.” Ski looked pointedly at Fergie’s belt so Harold nodded to the young woman.
“Show Ski a Rambo please, Fergie.” The knife came out to be duly admired.
“We might trade for those.” Ski hesitated, eyeing the knife again.”No, we definitely will trade for those, but not until I get back and someone okays the prices. That’s if you can get more?”
Harold didn’t mind a new customer for Liz’s wares. “We can, but only a limited number.”
“That’s a pity. Anyway, back to the Geek. Flashing the Rambo got him up Steph’s skirt and under her shirt,but not into her pants. He showed her his other weapon,a sparkly cleannine mil. She commented on its lovely condition and the prat even let her try the action. Sort of an exchange for trying out hers?” Ski smiled as she carefully phrased it to keep
within the Orchard Close language rules.
“We get it.” They all did, because the Barbies tried swapping sex for information on anything, from the number of reloads the guards carried to the name of the radio repairer or the brewer.
“When Steph told him we preferred revolvers, because they didn’t jam up,he reckoned a local friendly Soldier Boy sorted out little problems like that. Apparently the guns come back looking like new and shooting straight?” Now Ski looked straight at Harold, with a sort of challenge in her eyes.
“True. Not good as new, but clean and working if possible. I can repair most firearmsif they aren’t too badly damaged. That includes clearing jams, sticking clips and split brass, fixing broken mechanisms or making new firing pins, that sort of work.” Harold shrugged and pointed at the rifle. “I’m surprised that’s the first one from you. I get work from the GOFS, Geeks and Hot Rods, but to be honest I thought some of it might be from you or others beyond, passed through at a profit but without telling me.”
Ski scowled, not at all happy. “No, your neighbours have been very quiet about it. How come you’ve been so shy?”
“I don’t want somebody thinking it would be a good idea to kidnap their own repairer. They might decide it’s worth putting together enough people to take Orchard Close.” Harold didn’t have to fake his glum face or sigh. “There are some real idiots out there.”
“Well it’s out now, and someone at Beth’s did mention kidnapping. A lot of others pointed out that nobody with a working brain cell will try to kidnap Soldier Boy. That brain cell should point out that every weapon in Orchard Close must be in good nick, so the place would be very expensive to take. Especially with at least fourbig rifles and real shooters.” Ski’s brow wrinkled a bit. “If it’s been a secret, how come the Pink Panthers know? Perhaps the Geeks have been loose-lipped, or one of them has got a boyfriend.”
“The Pink Panthers know?” Harold couldn’t hide the shock on his face, so much for secrecy.