Andy Griffiths is one of Australia’s funniest and most successful writers. His books have sold over 3 million copies worldwide, have featured on the New York Times bestseller lists, and have won over 30 Australian children’s choice awards.
ALSO BY ANDY GRIFFITHS
AND ILLUSTRATED BY TERRY DENTON
Just Tricking!
Just Annoying!
Just Stupid!
Just Crazy!
Just Disgusting!
Just Shocking!
The Bad Book
The Cat on the Mat is Flat
What Bumosaur is That?
ALSO BY ANDY GRIFFITHS
The Day My Bum Went Psycho
Zombie Bums From Uranus
Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict
Pan Macmillan Australia
The characters and events in this book are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
First published 2008 in Pan by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Limited
1 Market Street, Sydney
Copyright © Backyard Stories Pty Ltd 2008
The moral right of the author has been asserted.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted by any person or entity (including Google, Amazon or similar organisations), in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, scanning or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.
National Library of Australia
Cataloguing-in-Publication data:
Griffiths, Andy, 1961–
Treasure fever! / author, Andy Griffiths.
Sydney : Pan Macmillan, 2008.
978 0 330 42389 2 (pbk.)
Schooling around; no. 1
Griffiths, Andy, 1961– Schooling around
For children.
Humorous stories, Australian.
Children’s stories, Australian.
A823.4
Illustration by Nathan Jurevicius
Typeset in 12/16 pt New Aster by Post Pre-press Group
Printed in Australia by McPherson’s Printing Group
Papers used by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd are natural, recyclable products made from wood grown in sustainable forests. The manufacturing processes conform to the environmental regulations of the country of origin.
These electronic editions published in 2008 by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd
1 Market Street, Sydney
The moral right of the author has been asserted.
All rights reserved. This publication (or any part of it) may not be reproduced or transmitted, copied, stored, distributed or otherwise made available by any person or entity (including Google, Amazon or similar organisations), in any form (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical) or by any means (photocopying, recording, scanning or otherwise) without prior written permission from the publisher.
Schooling Around 1: Treasure Fever!
Andy Griffiths
Adobe eReader format: 978-1-74198-175-9
Online format: 978-1-74198-178-0
EPUB format: 978-1-74262-213-2
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www.macmillandigital.com.au
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Contents
Cover
About Andy Griffiths
Also by Andy Griffiths
Title page
Copyright
Dedication
1: Once upon a time
2: A very unusual morning
3: Principal Greenbeard
4: What you should know about Principal Greenbeard
5:Mr Brainfright
6: What teachers don’t know
7: How to breathe
8: Class 5C to the rescue
9: Mrs Cross
10: Mr Brainfright’s important lesson no. 1
11: A man, a goat, a wolf and a cabbage
12: The exact number of people in the world who care more about lollipops than me
13: A small wet blob
14: A solution
15: Fred Durkin
16: Mrs Rosethorn
17: Principal Greenbeard’s office
18: Treasure!
19: Making history
20: Déjà vu
21: Mr Spade
22: Mr Brainfright’s important lesson no. 2
23: Skull Island
24: Mr Shush
25: Grant Gadget
26: The buried-treasure detector
27: Who blabbed?
28: A wonderful morning
29: A brilliant idea
30: Dirty double-double crosser
31: How to make a fake treasure map
32: Treasure fever!
33: Regaining Skull Island
34: How to make friends with a banana
35: Mr Brainfright’s important lesson no. 3
36: How to eat a banana
37: What to do with a banana peel
38: Mrs Cross gets REALLY cross
39: Mrs Cross gets even crosser, maybe even the crossest she’s ever been
40: The talk
41: Meeting
42: Ask an expert
43: Preparation
44: The big dig
45: Jackhammer
46: Goodbye, Mr Brainfright
47: A brilliant idea
48: Fred’s revenge
49: What we EXPECTED to see in the treasure chest
50: What we ACTUALLY saw in the treasure chest
51: How to disrespect a Durkin
52: To the rescue
53: Return to the treasure
54: Mrs Cross escapes
55: Learning to fly
56: Mr Brainfright’s last really important lesson
57: The last chapter
For Miss S
1
Once upon a time
Once upon a time there was—and still is—a school called Northwest Southeast Central School.
Northwest Southeast Central School is located in the southeast of a town called Northwest, which is located to the northwest of a big city called Central City.
You don’t need to know where Central City is, because it’s not important. What is important is the school. In this school there is a classroom. And in that classroom there is a fifth-grade class. Most important of all, in that class of fifth-grade students there is a student named Henry McThrottle who likes telling stories.
That’s where I come in.
I’m Henry McThrottle . . . and this is my latest story.
2
A very unusual morning
It all started one morning when our teacher, Mrs Chalkboard, was late for class.
Now you might not think that’s so remarkable, but believe me, it was for Mrs Chalkboard. Because Mrs Chalkboard was never late. She was usually there on the dot at 8.36 am, but that particular morning 8.36 am came and went and there was still no Mrs Chalkboard.
Not that anybody seemed to mind very much.
Clive Durkin was amusing himself by chewing up little bits of paper and flicking them at people.
Jack Japes was bent over his desk drawing cartoons. Jack was always drawing cartoons. He’s the best drawer in the class.
Gretel Armstrong, the strongest girl in the school, was arm wrestling with herself. She had to do this because nobody else would arm wrestle with her. Jenny Friendly was cheering her on. It seemed like Gretel’s left arm was winning.
Grant Gadget was madly pushing buttons on some sort of electronic device. Grant Gadget was always pushing buttons
on some sort of electronic device.
Gina and Penny Palomino were grooming the long rainbow-coloured manes of their toy horses. Gina and Penny were always grooming their toy horses. And if they weren’t doing that they were riding imaginary horses around the school. Gina and Penny loved horses.
The rest of the class was engaged in activities of more or less importance. Mostly less.
The only people who seemed at all worried by Mrs Chalkboard’s non-arrival were the class captains, Fiona McBrain and David Worthy. David kept looking anxiously at his watch and checking it against the clock on the wall. Fiona was standing at the door of the classroom and peering down the corridor. ‘Still not here!’ she said. ‘I can’t believe Mrs Chalkboard is still not here!’
Suddenly, Jenny grabbed my arm. ‘Henry!’ she said. ‘Something’s wrong with Newton!’
I looked across at Newton Hooton. He was clutching his desk as if it was going to float away if he didn’t hold it to the ground. His face was white. His eyes were shut tight. I could see that he was on the verge of a panic attack.
Now the thing you’ve got to understand about Newton Hooton is that this wasn’t particularly unusual. Newton was pretty much always on the verge of a panic attack.
Newton, you see, was scared of, well, everything! Spiders, busy roads, heights, lightning, cotton buds, butterflies . . . you name it, he was scared of it. I wasn’t sure what had made him so scared this time. All I knew was that he was more scared than I’d ever seen him.
Jenny and I got up and went over to him.
‘Newton!’ I said, putting my hand on his shoulder. ‘What’s the matter?’
Newton gulped. He blinked and stared at me with big round eyes as if he’d never seen me before.
‘M-Mrs Chalkboard!’ said Newton. ‘Sh-she’s late!’
‘It’s okay!’ said Jenny, putting her hand on Newton’s other shoulder and patting it lightly. ‘She’s just a little bit late, that’s all.’
‘B-b-but she’s never late!’ stammered Newton. ‘Wh-what if she doesn’t come? What then?’
‘Then they’ll send a substitute,’ said Jenny. ‘Everything will be fine. Her car has probably just broken down.’
‘She’s probably just been held up in traffic,’ I offered.
‘Impossible,’ said Fiona, returning from her vigil at the door. ‘Mrs Chalkboard doesn’t have a car. She catches the bus.’
‘Ah, yes,’ I said. ‘Good point. Thanks for your help, Fiona.’
‘Don’t mention it,’ said Fiona, completely missing my sarcasm.
‘What if she’s been in an accident?’ said Newton.
‘I don’t think that’s likely,’ said Jenny. ‘You know how careful Mrs Chalkboard is.’
‘Yes, but careful people can still be involved in accidents,’ said Fiona. ‘That’s why they are called accidents. Something may have happened to the bus.’
Newton’s face was getting whiter and whiter, if that was even possible.
‘Yeah,’ said Jack, taking up where Fiona left off. ‘There might have been an oil spill on the road and the bus skidded and went over a cliff . . . into shark-infested water . . . and the sharks got into the bus and all the passengers got eaten alive . . . and all that was left was their skeletons. Then imagine if Mrs Chalkboard’s skeleton climbed back up the cliff and hitched a ride to school and then came in the classroom and—’
‘JACK!’ said Jenny, ‘for goodness’ sake, STOP IT! You’re scaring Newton to death! I’m sure Mrs Chalkboard is fine!’
‘Then where is she?’ said Fiona, getting up and checking the corridor again. ‘She should be here by now. We’re supposed to be doing maths.’
‘So what’s the problem?’ said Clive. ‘We’re supposed to be doing maths and we’re not doing maths! That’s good, isn’t it?’
‘But I like maths!’ said Fiona.
‘Me too!’ said David.
‘I hate maths!’ said Clive. ‘You two should get your brains examined.’
‘You should get a brain, Clive,’ said David. ‘Maybe you’d enjoy maths more.’
‘You’d better watch your mouth, Worthy,’ said Clive, ‘or else.’
‘Or else what?’ said David.
‘Or else,’ said Clive, ‘I’ll tell my brother what you said. And I can tell you now, he’s not going to like it.’
‘Tell your brother whatever you want,’ said David. ‘He doesn’t scare me.’
‘I’m going to tell him that you said that, too,’ said Clive. ‘You’re going to be sorry. You’re going to be really sorry! You’re going to be really, really—’
Newton’s eyes were almost popping out of his head.
‘Everyone,’ pleaded Jenny, ‘could you please PLEASE PLEASE stop talking about scary things. You’re upsetting Newton!’
‘He’s a cry-baby,’ said Clive.
‘And you’ve got a big mouth!’ I said.
‘I’m going to tell my brother you said that,’ said Clive. ‘And I can tell you now, he’s not going to like it.’
‘Is there a single thing in the world your brother does like?’ I asked.
‘Yeah,’ said Clive. ‘Beating people up. He really likes that. My brother’s really tough. He could beat up this whole class, all at the same time, if he wanted.’
Newton yelped. The thought of Clive’s brother, Fred Durkin, beating up the whole class was clearly too much for him.
Poor Newton.
If he’d only known what he was going to end up doing to Fred Durkin!
But, then, it’s probably just as well that he didn’t know. That definitely would have been too much for him.
3
Principal Greenbeard
Suddenly Fiona ran from the door back to her desk. ‘Shush, everyone,’ she said. ‘Here comes Principal Greenbeard . . . and he’s got somebody with him!’
Something was obviously up. Maybe Mrs Chalkboard really had had an accident.
At the mention of Principal Greenbeard’s name, Newton gasped.
‘It’s going to be okay, Newton,’ I said.
Newton just stared at me, too scared to speak.
Jenny and I each gave him one last pat and then went back to our seats.
We had just sat down when Principal Greenbeard and another man walked into the room.
Principal Greenbeard, dressed in a white naval uniform like the captain of a ship, saluted the class.
4
What you should know about Principal Greenbeard
Now, before I go on, what you should know about Principal Greenbeard is that he’s not actually the captain of a ship. He just loves ships and sailing.
And when I say he loves ships and sailing, I mean he really loves ships and sailing.
In fact, he loves ships and sailing so much that he acts as if the school is one huge ship, that all the teachers and students are sailors, and that he, of course, is the captain.
It’s important that you know this, otherwise you might think he is a bit crazy.
Well, obviously he is a bit crazy, but he isn’t all crazy. He’s just crazy about anything to do with ships and sailing.
5
Mr Brainfright
‘Good morning, crew,’ said Principal Greenbeard.
We all jumped to our feet and saluted him. We were well trained.
‘Good morning, Principal Greenbeard,’ we all chanted. Well, all except for Newton, who just sat there, frozen.
‘I’d like you to welcome a new member of the crew aboard the good ship Northwest Southeast Central,’ he said. ‘This is Mr Brainfright. He will be your commanding officer for the rest of the term. Unfortunately, Mrs Chalkboard has hit some heavy weather and has had to take a spot of shore leave. So I’m depending on you all to help Mr Brainfright get his sea legs and learn the ropes. I’m sure if we all heave to and pull together we’ll get the old tub through. Do I make myself clear?’
‘Aye, aye, Principal Greenbeard,’ we said.
Principal Greenbeard turned to Mr Brainf
right and saluted. ‘Happy sailing, sir!’ he said, and marched swiftly out of the room.
We stared at Mr Brainfright.
Mr Brainfright stared back at us, a wild gleam in his piercing green eyes.
Mr Brainfright was not like any other teacher I’d ever seen at Northwest Southeast Central School . . . and that’s putting it mildly.
He was wearing a purple jacket, an orange shirt, and a bright green tie.
His hair darted out of his head in all sorts of crazy directions as if moments before stepping into our classroom he’d suffered a severe electric shock.
Plus he had that wild gleam in his eyes.
Mr Brainfright rubbed his hands together and smiled at us. ‘Well, Class 5C,’ he said. ‘What are you going to teach me this morning?’
6
What teachers don’t know
Now I don’t know what the teachers at your school are like, but none of the teachers at Northwest Southeast Central have ever begun a lesson by asking us—the students—what we were going to teach them.
As we were about to find out, Mr Brainfright did things a little differently to other teachers.
Well, a lot differently, in fact.
‘But you’re supposed to teach us!’ said Fiona.
‘Where on earth did you get that idea?’ said Mr Brainfright.
‘Well, it’s obvious,’ said Fiona. ‘You’re the teacher!’
Mr Brainfright smiled. ‘And you think teachers know everything?’
‘Well, yes,’ said Fiona.
Mr Brainfright stared at her. ‘Everything?’ he said.
‘Well, no, not everything,’ said Fiona. ‘But they are supposed to know more than the students.’
‘I wouldn’t be so sure of that,’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘Who can tell me something you know that I don’t?’
‘Our names!’ said Jack, always quick off the mark. ‘You don’t know them and we do.’
Mr Brainfright nodded. ‘Correct! Give me another one.’
‘How to jump down a set of stairs on a skateboard without falling off,’ said Gretel.
Treasure Fever! Page 1