My gaze jerked to his. “What?”
He squeezed my hand. “You were right, as much as I didn’t want to admit it. I love you, but it isn’t the kind of love that either of us need, or deserve.”
“I’ll never be Peyton.”
His amber eyes sparked with a flash of pain. “You’re not Peyton. You’re unique. You. Being with you…I thought I could hold onto her, onto everything we had growing up.”
“You loved her?” I asked, finally needing to know.
He swallowed. “Yeah, I did. But it was never reciprocated. We never dated, or so much as kissed. When she asked me to watch after you, loving you just came naturally. I’ll always love you, Lee. You were just so much faster to realize we weren’t right.”
I leaned my head on his familiar shoulder. “I’m so sorry about how it happened.”
“Me, too, but if it hadn’t happened like that, we’d still be together, and that’s not what’s best for either of us.” His arm came around me. “Now stop avoiding the question. How do you feel about Bateman?”
That was the million-dollar question lately. “I’m…he’s…ugh.”
“That clear about it, huh?”
“I want him more than anything, but he can’t love me.”
“You’re easy to love. As much as I can’t stand that cocky fucker, he’s got it bad for you. I know all about the flowers, and the lunch meetings, and the fact that he pretty much devotes every waking minute to you.” I sent him a questioning look, and he grinned. “Stick buddies, remember? So what’s the big deal? I thought that’s what every girl wanted.”
“And if he falls in love with me? One hundred eighteen days, Will. What kind of heartless monster would I be if I took his love to be happy and then left him like that?”
“Don’t you keep saying that. You’re not Peyton. You’re not on her time line.”
“You don’t know that.” I did. I felt it in my bones, the same way I knew a pacemaker wasn’t going to save me. I was never going to be older than my sister.
“Neither do you. Does he know yet?”
“No.”
He sighed. “You need to tell him. Don’t throw away a chance at being happy, really happy, just because you’re scared. Trust me, you’ll regret it more than anything else.” He kissed my forehead. “You deserve better than him, Lee, but don’t let me deter you. We all deserve to make our own decisions, our own mistakes.”
“You think he’s a mistake?”
“What I think doesn’t matter anymore. I meant what I said. I’ll be around when he fucks up. I’ll pick you up and dust you off. But when that happens, the question is, will you feel foolish that you let it happen?”
Jagger’s voice echoed in my ears. “No. I’ll be thankful I took the chance and burned.”
Will’s smile was sad as he stood. “Then that’s your answer, Lee. Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas, Will.”
We locked eyes as he opened the door. “She…Peyton would tell you to go for it. She’d say something absolutely horrendous about how good-looking he is and tell you to jump it.”
I laughed. “She sure would.”
He nodded at me once, then shut the door behind him.
His footsteps hadn’t even faded from the door before Mama was in the entry hall. “Well, are you two made up? Is he coming for dinner tonight?”
I stood. “No, Mama. We’re over.”
“What? How is that even possible? This is Will we’re talking about!” She put her hands on her hips, and I settled in for a nice long lecture.
“Then you date him,” I said as Daddy walked out of his office.
“Well, I never! Will Carter is the best thing for you, Lee! He’s already a member of this family.”
The guilt didn’t work this time, because Will had already cut the tethers. I was free. “You cannot hold onto Peyton by keeping me with Will. He’s not going to bring her back.”
Her head jerked like I’d struck her. “That’s not at all the case, young lady.”
“Isn’t it?” I asked softly.
“Lee,” Daddy warned.
“Mama, there’s someone else, someone I want more than breathing. Someone who makes me feel alive, who might not know every detail about me, but who knows who I really am and doesn’t wish I was Peyton. Please, just let me be happy.”
She shook her head. “Will was the only person we trust with your health.”
“You need to trust me.”
“Well, given the absolutely ridiculous decisions you’re making regarding your condition, it looks like that won’t be happening. You’re going to have to move to New York with us.”
“Magnolia!” Daddy growled. “Have you lost your mind?”
“New York?” I asked, my gaze darting between the two of them.
Daddy put his arm around me. “I’ve been here for over two years, Lee. I’m being transferred to West Point in the summer.”
“We had considered letting you stay here, but without Will watching over you, you’re just going to have to come with us.”
I sputtered. Another PCS. Another move. “My life is here. I’m in college, and I have a house, friends. I don’t need to go with you.”
“That’s your choice,” Daddy agreed with a squeeze.
“No, it’s not!” Mama shouted. “If you’re hell-bent on staying here, we’ll cut you off. No help for tuition, or rent, or books, or life. Your insurance will expire, and you’ll be on your own.”
My mouth dropped open. “You’re that desperate to keep me on a leash?”
“You need one! It’s been another month, and you haven’t given Dr. Larondy the okay to do the pacemaker. You’re being childish, so we’ll treat you like a child. Life is too short to jeopardize it!”
“It’s my heart, Mama! Mine! My life, my decision!” Life was too short to straddle the fence, and her comments pushed me in the opposite direction of what she’d been hoping.
“Then make the right one!” she screamed, her voice harsh and breaking. “Call me evil, but I just don’t care what you want. Not when you’re being ludicrous. I have already lost Peyton!” Her breaths came in heaves, shaking her shoulders.
One of the dogs whined, breaking the silence. Daddy shook his head at Mama.
“Well, you just lost me, too,” I said over the lump in my throat. I hugged Daddy. “Merry Christmas, Daddy.”
“She doesn’t mean it, Paisley. She’s just scared. We would never do that to you,” he whispered. “Merry Christmas.”
I gave him a squeeze and walked out the door. It took me an hour to pack, where I ignored every text and the six phone calls Mama placed to my cell phone.
Instead I placed my own, and hoped she’d have room for one more for Christmas.
I left Morgan a note, since she was with her parents, and got on the highway, but not before I stopped at the store for the last thing I needed.
The drive was long and quiet. I didn’t listen to music, just let my thoughts sort themselves out. Pacemaker, surgery, death—these were terms being thrown around like I needed to choose between strawberry and vanilla ice cream. But everyone who declared it an easy decision wasn’t the one who had to make it. Dr. Larondy had said I had some time before I had to choose, and I was going to use every second of it.
I just wanted to live, and not the half existence full of limits and doctor visits, but truly live, like those boxes on the list demanded. If I could live these next 118 days and finish the list, then I’d consider one of their solutions, but I wasn’t going to feel unfinished when they cut me open and tried to fix me.
I took each turn the GPS said to until, five and a half hours later, I parked across from a really nice condo complex. I zipped my coat as the first snowflakes fell and grabbed my bag from the trunk.
Stupidest thing you’ve ever done. Loony tunes, and I couldn’t be happier about it.
My heart felt fine climbing the stairs, but my belly was in knots as I opened the door to the hallway. I compa
red the number with the address in the text message, swallowed, and knocked.
“What, did you forget your key?” he said through the door, and my breath caught.
“Good thing they knocked,” a female voice said. “I mean, imagine if we’d been busy!” She laughed, and my stomach lurched. Who was that? What if he’d gotten tired of being only friends? What if I’d made him wait too long, and he was no longer interested? The locks slid open, and then so did the door.
The young woman who answered was beautiful and exotic in a way I never would be. Her mocha skin was flawless and contrasted with her light green eyes. “Can I help you?” she asked with a genuine smile.
“I…I was just looking for someone,” I stammered, afraid that the chance I’d taken was about to be on the stupider side of the things I’d done.
“Paisley?” His incredulous voice came from behind the girl.
I forced a trembling smile as Jagger gently moved the girl out of his way. “Hey.”
His mouth hung open for a second, and I drank him in greedily. He’d been gone for four days, and given the daily contact we usually had, it felt like a lifetime. His long-sleeved shirt molded to his muscles, and his jeans followed suit. “I just…I wanted…” I shook my head and forced out a smile. “I didn’t know you’d be…you know”—I gestured to where the girl stared at us in confusion—“busy.”
“With Sam?” His eyebrows puckered and then arched. “Oh, Paisley, no. Sam is Ember’s best friend. We used to live next door to each other in Colorado. Just a friend. Come in.”
I shook my head, unsure for the first time since I’d stopped at that store in Daleville. “Friends like we are?”
Jagger came into the hallway, shutting the door behind him. His gaze raked down my body, hot as ever, and I cursed the parts of me that jumped to life. Especially if he’d been having friendly relations with that beautiful girl. “God, I’ve missed you.”
“Friends like we are?” I repeated, needing to know. Standing across from him, knowing what I wanted now, was the sweetest torture.
“No one is friends like we are.” He folded his arms over his chest. “I’m thrilled to see you, but why aren’t you with your family?”
I dove headfirst. “I wanted to be with you.”
His breath hitched, and his eyes narrowed slightly in confusion. I needed to make myself clear. “I want to be with you, Jagger.” I enunciated each word slowly, and then unbuttoned my belted black trench coat, revealing that on top of my white blouse and jeans, I’d tied my chest with a giant red ribbon. “Merry Christmas.”
A heartbeat passed, then two, three, and four, before a smile slowly spread across his face. He was incredible, both inside and out, and maybe mine. “But I need to tell you something first.”
“Later.” He reached out like lightning, cupping my neck and pulling me to him, crushing his mouth over mine. I leaned into his kiss, looping my arms around his neck, and kissed him like I’d fantasized about for the last month. I sucked his tongue into my mouth and was rewarded by a groan.
He spun and pressed me against the door. I hitched one of my legs around his hips, and he ran his hand down the back of my thigh, lifting me so I was at face level.
“Tell me you mean it,” he growled into my neck, alternating licks and nibbles that had me arching to give him better access.
“I mean it,” I gasped. This was the best road trip ever, and I hadn’t made it past the front door yet. My hands threaded in his hair.
“You’re mine?”
I would have laughed if he hadn’t looked so apprehensive. “Yes.”
“Say it.”
A shot of pure lust fired through me at the demand in his eyes. “I’m yours, Jagger.”
“Thank God,” he whispered against my lips before sinking into me. He tasted like warm peppermint from the mints I now knew he was addicted to, and his tongue sent delicious shivers down my spine to pool deep in my belly. He angled my head, kissing me deeper, and I whimpered, desperate to get closer to him.
He was everywhere, overwhelming every sense, inside my mouth, holding me up by my rear and yet still cradling my head like I was something precious. I rocked my hips into him, and he sucked his breath in through clenched teeth. He gave one slow thrust against me, rubbing my inseam along my pelvic bone, and I just about yelped. If he could cause that kind of reaction with our clothes on, what would it be like once they weren’t? Wait. Was I even ready for that? I’d only ever slept with Will.
He pulled away, stroked his thumb over my cheekbone, and smiled. Charged seconds passed while we stared at each other, grinning like fools.
“You say it,” I ordered, needing a bigger declaration than his tongue in my mouth.
“I’ve been yours from the second your eyes opened on the beach.”
My gaze dropped to his lips. I wanted his mouth back, so I took it. He quickly sank into me, his tongue stroking the sensitive place right behind my teeth, and I fell into his rhythm. I gathered the fabric of his shirt in my hands and pulled it upward, needing the heat of his bare skin caressing mine. It caught between us, but came free to his chest with a few motions. Yes.
“Whoa. I guess they aren’t interested in Chinese?” A male voice broke through the haze.
“I’d say not. But how do we get past them into the house?” a female answered. Josh and Ember.
Jagger walked backward, his biceps flexing as he easily carried my weight, until he was across the hallway, my knees pressing into the neighbor’s wall. Then he kissed me again, uncaring that we’d just been caught like a pair of hormonal high school students. I heard the faint sound of the door opening and closing.
“Jagger—” I muttered into his mouth, but he all but ignored me until I pushed his chest.
“What?” he asked, kissing down my neck to that magic spot that was pretty much a button to pop open my thighs. Wait, they were already open. Even better.
“We’re in the hallway.”
“So?”
I lifted my head and arched an eyebrow. “The hallway, Jagger.”
He rested his forehead against mine. “I wait forever to kiss you, and now you dictate where I can do it?”
He lowered me until both my feet hit the ground. I’d never been more aware of our height difference. “How about anywhere but the hallway?”
He grinned, catching the tip of his tongue between his teeth, and lord help me, it was sexy. Sinfully so. “Deal.” He kissed me once more, softly. “That doesn’t count.”
I tried to compose myself, but I was flushed, my hair mussed, and now I had to face the people who’d caught us making out.
“You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen,” he muttered into my neck, brushing my hair aside as we stood before Ember’s door. He ran his tongue along my skin, and chills erupted on my arms.
“Hallway, Jagger.”
He laughed. “Yeah, yeah.”
We walked into the condo to the applause of Sam, Ember, and Josh. “I’d give that a nine-point-two. I have to deduct points for clothing still being on,” Josh called out.
My cheeks heated to the point I thought flames might erupt at any second. Jagger took my hand, kissed my knuckles, and bowed.
He winked at me as he came to full height, and I melted. He was incredibly sexy, magnetic, reckless, a touch devious, and a whole lot mine.
Merry Christmas to me.
Chapter Nineteen
Jagger
She had her days, you know? Where everything was great. Fine. I wanted to spend eternity in those days. But then she would spiral and take the rest of us down with her.
Dinner long since done, we all lounged in the living room, haphazardly fitting onto Ember’s sectional. I had Paisley curled around me, her head tucked into my chest. I pressed a kiss to her hair simply because I could. She was mine. She’d driven from Fort Rucker and tied a damned red bow around herself. Best. Christmas. Ever.
“You hear from your mom, Sam?” Ember asked.
She nod
ded, mouth full of popcorn.
“How much longer?” I asked.
“Six months. Honestly, I should have stayed behind in Colorado. But she wasn’t paying for it, so it was come with her to Campbell or fend for myself.”
Paisley’s eyes darted over, but she didn’t say anything. Her manners would never let her pry. But Sam saw, and she gave her a half smile. “I failed out of school, so my mom pulled all of her financial support unless I came with her. She deployed, and now I’m stuck here.”
“Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you,” Paisley offered, and the crazy thing was I knew she meant it.
Deployed. That word meant something different with Paisley in my arms. I still had roughly eighteen months in flight school, but it would inevitably come, and I’d leave…and pray I’d come home to her. Don’t think about that.
“Sam, you’re always welcome in Alabama. I have an extra room and all, just say the word,” I offered.
She raised her beer in salute and a nod of thanks.
Paisley cracked a yawn that triggered my own. “You ready for bed?” I asked.
She nodded.
“Good, me, too.” I grinned down at her. She smiled, but there was something off about it. “You okay?”
“Perfect!” Her voice wavered.
“You guys take the guest room. There’s a queen bed in there,” Sam offered. Paisley tensed and gave me the public, closed-lip smile. “I’ll camp out on the couch.”
“I wouldn’t want you to do that. We can find a hotel,” I protested. Paisley was going to snap in half if she went any more rigid.
“It’s Christmas,” Ember argued. “Take the freaking guest room.”
“What, you’re not going to offer to go all girls one room, boys another?” I joked with Josh.
He shook his head, rubbing circles on Ember’s back. “You’re hot and all, Jag. But I think I’ll stick with Ember. She’s softer.”
She smacked him with a pillow. “Last door on the right, Paisley. If you need anything, just ask.”
“Thank you so much for having me,” she said, manners in effect.
I grabbed my bag from the corner and threw hers over my shoulder, walking to the guest room as she followed. She entered the room and stared at the bed, crossing her arms in front of herself and holding her elbows.
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