Up for Forever

by Heather Young-Nichols

  Sliding my hand down his chest until I could fold our hands together, I pulled him after me. In a little spot out of the way, I hopped up onto a bar stool then smiled what I hoped was the million dollar one up at him.

  “So … ” he said, shifting his weight from one foot to another.

  “Feel like kissing me?” Direct was usually how I operated. There weren’t any misunderstandings if you were direct. And I needed a night of no misunderstandings.

  “Fuck yeah,” he smiled back.

  His hand grazed my cheek on its way to my hair where it fisted softly just before his lips hit mine. There were a couple of chaste pecks before he really let go. With no warning, his tongue pushed into my mouth without caressing for permission. He had good technique. I just had to reign him in a little because he was being a tad over aggressive.

  When his other hand went north from its spot on my knee, it did so very slowly. Like he was checking to see where I’d put the brakes on or kick him in the nuts. What he didn’t know is I didn’t bring any brakes with me. I have no idea how long we sat there in full on make-out mode in front of everyone but I started to wonder. That meant I wasn’t enjoying it as much as I was telling myself I was.

  Beyoncé’s song Irreplaceable blared in the background. Everything was to the left. A box, a man, who the fuck cared? To start, he tasted like the burn of whiskey and cigarettes. The whiskey I could get by but the cigarettes … He’d moved so both hands were on the outsides of my legs creeping up toward my panties. I knew where that was headed and he pushed his hard-on between my legs roughly. As if I hadn’t already noticed it.

  He tasted wrong. It felt wrong. That’s when I realized this wasn’t me anymore.

  “Whoa,” I said, pulling back. “I think I need a drink.”

  Hopping off the stool, I hoped he wouldn’t follow me but I didn’t have that kind of luck. From the crowd I saw a pretty pissed off Flannery making her way toward the bar where I was headed.

  “What the fuck was that?” she whisper yelled over the music.

  “Get off my back. I’m single,” I’d snapped at her, and I didn’t mean to because even I knew I’d gone a little too far. I threw a shot back then another, followed by gulping down an entire bottle of beer. I just wanted the alcohol to take me over already. Make me forget.

  “Ready to head back, Kendra?” Puck came up beside me. I was suddenly aware of three sets of eyes all on me, waiting to see what I was going to do. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t started to feel the effects off all those shots. Puck wanted to go back to the isolated corner; he wanted to get my panties off and possibly fuck me right there like no one would notice. And maybe they wouldn’t. But I would. Even in my most random days, I didn’t have sex with an audience watching. Listening sometimes couldn’t be helped, but watching? No fucking way.

  “Listen, Puck, I think I’m gonna hang with my friends for a bit.”

  “I thought we were having a good time.” He spat the words at me like I owed him something. I didn’t owe him shit. But I had led him on. Any normal guy would think what we were doing was going to end in sex.

  “We were. Now I’m done.” Another dose of amber slid down my throat.

  “Listen.” He took an aggressive step toward me only to be stopped by Cain’s hand slapping into his chest.

  “Walk away, dude,” Cain growled. I shouldn’t have needed protecting, but given that I was only still standing by the grace of God, I was glad he was there to do the protecting. Cain wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me even if I weren’t Flannery’s best friend. He was just a good guy.

  Puck sized me up then Cain before nodding while backing away. “Not fucking worth it.” And he was probably right.

  Chapter Nine

  “Kendra, come on,” Flannery said but I couldn’t see her. I felt her arm around my back as she tried to pull me somewhere. I groaned. Everywhere I looked things were blurry and wouldn’t clear up no matter how many times I tried to blink it away. My body burned with this intense heat that I couldn’t figure out.

  “Jesus,” Cain groaned then took me in his much firmer arm. He was dragging me. I had no choice. No idea what was happening and next to no control over my own body.

  The entire world tipped on its axis before spinning out of control as I was pushed into what I thought was the backseat of a car. My head rested against the cool glass. I was suddenly even hotter. The car was moving too fast as everything I drank sloshed around in my stomach. I’d be paying for that tequila later.

  “Cain,” I sobbed. “Beyoncé lied.” My voice raised several notches. “Beyoncé lied, Cain.” I was out of control. Knew that even with my limited faculties. I tried to raise my arms but they flopped right back to my legs, too heavy for me to control.

  “It’s ok, Kendra,” he said back.

  My cheeks were damp when I started yelling and sobbing again. “There’s no man to the left, Cain.” I snapped. The words hurt my throat as they came out. “Adam’s not there. Adam’s not anywhere.”

  “What’re you talking about?” Flannery turned in her seat to look at me with eyes that were so kind I wanted to take all my frustration out on her but couldn’t or wouldn’t. I’m not sure. It was because I couldn’t lift my arms. That would definitely hold me up.

  “She said there’s a man to the left. There’s no man to the left.” I full on sobbed yet no tears fell down my face. I don’t know what the fuck was wrong with me. This didn’t feel right, didn’t feel like me. I never cared if there was a man to the left before.

  “It’s going to be ok, Kendra,” Cain said again with the kind of voice you’d use with a child during a temper tantrum. Firm but caring. Edgy yet soft.

  The next thing I knew, we were stopped and my door opened. The door I was leaning against. My body tumbled toward the cement. I was so far gone I couldn’t even brace myself for the contact. For a split second, I imagined what my face would look like after it slid against the cement. I found it funny and couldn’t stop laughing.

  “Shit,” Cain muttered just as he caught me.

  After some rustling around, I was moving again. The bright lights flicked on when we got inside and it was like a cold water shock to my system. I just wanted my bed. My body needed something else. It wanted to rid itself of the foreign visitor I’d poured down my throat all night.

  “I’m going to puke.”

  Before I had the chance to, he dropped me on the floor, my body smacking against the cool tile by the toilet. I hadn’t realized we’d been moving. His hard body was replaced by Flannery’s soft one. She took my hair in her hands as every single thing I drank came back up. I retched time and time again until every muscle in my body ached like I’d been to boot camp. A few dry heaves later and I was lying on the bathroom floor on my side looking at my best friend while she did the same.

  “Feel better?” She softly petted the side of my head soothingly.

  “Not really.” My vocal cords felt like sandpaper. “More sober.”

  “It’s gonna be ok, Kendra.” The softness with which she said it made me want to believe that it was.

  “No it’s not. I’ve only had two real friends in my life.”

  “I know.” Her hand rubbed up my arm, making me sigh from the comfort it brought me. She winced. “You should brush your teeth. I’ll get you some pajamas.”

  It took so much effort to do what she told me to, but I did it. Brushing the weird filmy taste out of my mouth made me feel better and getting into some comfortable jammies did, too. Then I was tucked into bed with a bottle of water on the nightstand. I don’t know if I fell asleep or if I passed out.

  When I woke up, the sun was a cruel bitch exacting her revenge. I’d drank too much the night before, my head pounded like a sledgehammer. I wanted to curl into my bed and die. But I couldn’t do that. I had to move, work off the alcohol I didn’t throw up. The alarm clock on the dresser let me know I slept through breakfast and lunch.

  Once I crawled out of my bed, literally, an
d then made it to the door, I kind of felt like I might live. But I needed to hydrate like never before. My roommates were in the kitchen when I got there, cleaning up from what I assumed was their lunch. The bright kitchen, not so unlike his mom’s, was far too cheerful for the kind of day I was about to have.

  “You look like shit,” Cain threw over his shoulder.

  “Hey, Kendra.” Flannery came to the table near where I’d let myself fall into a chair, slapping the back of his head on the way. “I know the timing sucks but we’re supposed to go to the Dorsey’s today to go over ideas for layout and setup, remember?” I think my face turned green right as my stomach turned again. “Don’t worry. You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”

  “Of course I’ll go.” I cleared my throat. It hurt like a bitch. “What time?” I wasn’t sure how I’d pull it off but I couldn’t let her down. She was the only person I had left. Logically, yes, I knew Sam and Cain were now my friends too, but it just wasn’t the same. Every minute of the last four years had been shared with Flannery or Adam.

  “Dinner time. His mom is putting something together. But … ” She sighed. “I wanted to remind you that Adam will be there.”

  My eyes snapped to her too quickly, causing them to burn from the sudden movement and lack of fluid there. I really needed to hydrate. “Does he know I’ll be there?” She nodded. “Well, let me puke for a few more hours and I’ll be all set.”

  I wasn’t set but I wasn’t backing down. I’d decided to drive myself since I was already living in their apartment, encroaching on their new time together. I wanted to make sure they had time alone, too. An extra dose of aspirin and about a gallon of water later and I at least felt human. Not like an attractive human, but I did what I could.

  Recognizing most of the cars in the driveway, my stomach dropped when I got to Adam’s red Skylark. Would he even talk to me? I wasn’t so sure. He’d walked out yesterday afternoon without so much as a greeting and with anger and pain pretty frickin’ evident.

  I heard the commotion from the backyard so I went around without knocking. It was a hugely beautiful yard that would be perfect for the wedding. The little group that I knew better than my own family these days was laughing and generally enjoying each other’s company. Adele had a perma-smile plastered to her face as she and her husband, Brian, chased little Vaughn around, who was running after a soccer ball I knew Cain had given him when he was born. Linda and Paul held hands as they talked to Flannery, Cain, and Adam. Jackson wasn’t there as far as I could tell but once I saw Adam, it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.

  At first, no one saw me. Except Vaughn who hightailed it my way demanding to be picked up. I obliged obviously because those chubby cheeks were impossible to resist.

  “Kendra, come join us,” Linda called out, causing every head to snap my way. Even Adam’s. The cold façade he’d plastered on his face didn’t slip even an inch.

  Taking a deep breath, I gave the baby a kiss on the cheek before returning him to the ground and headed over to where wedding plans were being made. Linda gave me a big hug. That woman … what could I say about her? She was amazing. Because of our conversations the last time we were together, she knew Adam and I weren’t hanging out anymore. It’s kind of like how she knows what Flannery almost did, the pain Cain went through and everything, yet she’s never judged and always welcomed Flan without hesitation.

  Now it was my turn and it’s like she knew it’d be uncomfortable.

  “So,” I said after the obligatory greetings. “Where are we?”

  We spent the next hour and a half roaming around the yard, posing at different angles until Flannery and Cain decided on what they liked best. The spot they’d be married and start that new part of their lives together. Never once did anyone suggest Adam and I even stand near each other. He didn’t say a word and hadn’t looked at me since I first arrived. I hated every damn minute of it.

  “Well, I think we need to go inside and eat.” Paul grabbed his wife and started in.

  “Actually,” Adam’s deep voice came from behind me, “I was going to head to my parents tonight. So I’m gonna get on the road.”

  “What?” I asked but didn’t realize it was out loud.

  “Sorry I didn’t mention it, Cain.”

  “No problem.” They did that weird guy handshake/hug thing, Flannery got the real thing, then he was gone.

  “Is he really going to his parents?” I asked Cain and Flannery quietly. She shrugged.

  Cain answered. “How the fuck should I know?”

  And that’s how it went. I didn’t see him often, but on those rare occasions that I did, he didn’t speak to me and barely looked at me. I knew logically that I’d created this situation, with his help, because I told him not to get attached. It was starting to piss me off.

  Luckily, I had a distraction. Flannery and I were spending the day in Lansing looking at one apartment after another.

  The first one reminded us both far too much of the freshman dorms, which were not unlike the living conditions among the poor in India. So that was out. The second was ok, as was the third. The fourth was beautiful and highest on my list. But when we walked into the fifth, the decision was made.

  It was large, not like Cain’s or Adams, but very spacious with high ceilings and absolutely the best upgrades. Stainless appliances, a tub I could swim in, and two bedrooms. I was sold. Flannery’s eyes just about popped out of her head when she heard how much the rent would be, but my dad was paying for it and he could afford it. Money over love was his life’s motto and I was totally going to take advantage of that. Kevin, my brother, did too. It’s how we survived.

  After discussing all the details, I signed the lease and had a move in date of August first.

  “You’re really going to leave me in my hour of need, huh?” Flannery had a smile in her voice as I drove us back toward Detroit. I hadn’t understood at first why Cain didn’t move even closer to work but he’d said the spot he chose was still an ok commute without being too far from Flannery. “Right when I’ll need you the most.”

  “Ha. I hardly think marrying that man is when you need me the most. But what I was thinking is that we’d get me moved but I’d still stay with you until the wedding to help with everything. That way when you guys leave for your honeymoon, I can just go to my apartment. Then you’ll come home to a place without a guest.”

  “That does sound reasonable, I suppose.”

  “Don’t tell Cain I signed the lease already. He might just push me out the door.”

  “He loves having you around.” I gave her the “you’re bullshitting me” duck faced smirk. “Ok, he likes that I like having you around. He tolerates you.” She smiled. “I mean, I have to do a lot of things I’m morally opposed to so he won’t kick you out, but I think you’re worth it.”

  “Morally opposed, huh?”

  “Yeah, that man has perversions like no one I’ve ever heard of.” She giggled again. “I’m not even sure all if it’s legal but I do it. I do it for you.”

  “I guess I can’t ask for a better friend then.”

  We both burst into loud hysterics right as I maneuvered into a tight parking spot outside the apartment. Cain was already home, it being another Friday. When we got inside, he looked at his woman with a big smile and I couldn’t hold it in. Laughter erupted, startling him. Cain was looking at me like I’d lost my ever loving mind. Maybe I had.

  “What’s that all about?” he asked us both.

  “Uh … ” Flannery bit her bottom lip.

  “I’m just going to my room to read,” I said as I wiped a happy tear off my cheek. “But, Flan, I’ve got your bail money if you need it. Just make sure I’m your one call.”

  We both laughed so hard that Cain just got more confused. I heard him ask Flannery to explain and she tried. Or she did because a few minutes later, I heard Cain laugh loudly then the sound of two sets of feet running down the hall, culminating in the slamming of their bedroom door.
r />   I loved that they were happy. I was happy, too.

  When I didn’t think about it too much.

  Chapter Ten

  Sitting around while other people had fun wasn’t really my style. But to be honest, I didn’t have anybody to hang out with other than Flannery. So when she was off with Cain, I had nothing to do but read. My only other friend wasn’t speaking to me. I decided I wanted to do something about that but didn’t know what. Waiting until the next time I saw Adam seemed like a bad idea because there would always be people around. I needed to talk to him alone. Which had been my mistake before. At Cain’s parents’ house, there had been people. What’s a girl to do on a lonely Friday night instead of sitting around thinking about the guy who won’t talk to her? Force him to.

  I made the drive in record time, thanking my lucky stars that I had a great memory so I didn’t have to ask anyone for Adam’s address. The tenants were listed on the doorbell buttons. I found his and rang it twice quickly. No answer. So I tried again. Then looked around the parking lot for his car finding it gone. Shit. He wasn’t home yet.

  Sighing, I slid down the side of the building until I was sitting on the hard, hot cement waiting for Adam to get home from work. The concrete burned the backs of my legs slightly but I sat there enjoying the sting. Checking my cell phone, I realized he should’ve already been home. An hour passed, the sun started to fall creating this beautiful pink, puffy clouded sky. An old saying popped into my head about the sky being pink at night was a good thing for sailors or something. I wondered if it’d be at all good for me.

  Another hour passed and my ass was falling asleep. Then a thought occurred to me. What if Adam was on a date? We hadn’t been together in a few weeks. It was possible, wasn’t it? Oh God. That’s what was happening here. Adam was out with some woman on a Friday night that he met in Grand Rapids. Totally over me. On the one hand, maybe it meant we could be friends again. On the other, I really wanted to scratch whoever she was eyes out with my fingernails.