“Um … a lot actually.” A deep breath didn’t calm my heart that had picked up the minute he spoke. I stayed right where I was, curled up in that chair for fear that if I moved I’d jump right onto his lap, which would probably be too soon. “First, I know I’ve said it already but I’m really sorry for everything that happened.”
“I told you, Kendra, I should’ve known better.”
“No. It’s on me. And I’m not talking about just the fact that I freaked the fuck out but the other stuff I said. I never should’ve said we were just hanging out or hooking up or whatever the fuck I said. It wasn’t true.”
“Why did you then?” He looked at me out of the corner of his eye. Time for Kendra Roberts to woman up and speak the truth.
“Honestly? I was in fact freaking out and wasn’t thinking straight. I wanted to put space between us.”
“Well, it worked.” He slapped his hands against his thighs. “Is that all?” He looked like he was going to stand so I beat him to it. Springing like a cheetah out of my chair.
“No. That’s just the start of it.” I moved over toward him and sat on the patio blocks surrounding him, folding my legs under me. We were so close I could’ve reached out and touched him and every single thing in my being called out for me to. I had to keep it together. “Before I say anything else, I need to know. Ashley—”
“Won’t be an issue. Like I said earlier, it was just a few dates.”
“Ok.” Again, I needed a deep breath, two actually just so I could continue. “There’s so much I want to tell you that I know I don’t have enough time tonight. So I’m going to start with New York.”
“What happened in New York?”
“Complete and utter nuclear meltdown.” I told him about the whole thing. From Ava telling us about Jared to what came after in the form of me losing my fucking mind, pacing the streets of my hometown, and needing to be coaxed back into the salon just to find Flan’s damn bridesmaids dresses. It was ugly and I told him about the ugly. He needed to know. That was the only way I’d get him to understand just how serious I was.
“Why did you melt down?” I didn’t miss the humor in his voice as he enjoyed hearing my pain. Jackass. Jackass that I loved though.
“You.” His eyebrows shot up. Tiny prickles of emotion raced down my body under the weight of his gaze. I had to push myself right then because my instinct was telling me to shut my mouth. Telling me that I was confused. I wasn’t. I knew exactly what I wanted. “I realized exactly what I did … driving you away. And I realized that was the opposite of what I wanted. Basically, I realized I fucked my life up beyond recognition.”
Adam sat back, scratching his jaw, trying to take in what I’d said. Now, if I had my way, he’d proclaim forgiveness, take me in his arms, then to my bedroom where we’d prove everything would be all right. But that wasn’t going to happen. I knew it before I even said anything because beyond everything, I’d hurt him and if there’s one thing I learned with Cain and Flannery, guys took that just as seriously as girls.
“I think you’re going to need to talk to me like I’m stupid.” The corners of my mouth quirked up at what he said. “Spell it out, Kendra. The last thing we need is more misunderstanding.” I swallowed hard. And even if a small voice in the back of my head was screaming for me to run, that this would end badly, I took another deep breath in preparation for the magnitude of how much my next statement, saying it out loud, would change me. It’d be the first time admitting to wanting someone. The first time asking for someone.
“I want you. I want to be with you. I don’t want you dating girls like Ashley. I want you dating me.” Holy crap, I couldn’t believe I actually said it. For me, that was like committing murder. Still he didn’t react. His demeanor remained cool and relaxed and made me want to punch myself in the face or crawl out of my skin.
“Trust me when I tell you, I don’t want to date girls like Ashley. But, Kendra … ” He groaned like what he was about to say would cause physical pain. Maybe it would. “I’m fucking serious when I say I couldn’t handle … ” He shook his head. “Again. I couldn’t.” And he couldn’t say it. I broke his heart and he was leery in case I did it again. No pressure or anything.
“I can’t promise that I won’t get weird about the idea of a forever, Adam, that’s about me not about you. But I’ll do my best to do things right.”
“How’s that?”
Oh man, I knew he’d ask me that which was why I’d already thought through this part. Had already come up with a plan on how to make it all happen. “For starters I’d talk to you instead of melting down like Chernobyl.” That he laughed at.
“That is an excellent start.” His eyes fell on me for so long I started to feel uncomfortable under the scrutiny. “But I think the problem is deeper than that.”
“I’m a shallow, shallow pond, Adam. I don’t think there is deeper.” I said it as a joke but it was true. Deep feelings and emotions were not in the Roberts family dictionary.
“I disagree and I think you need to figure that out before we even consider trying again.”
Well that was frustrating. With very little thought, I knew he meant that I hadn’t always been honest. I didn’t lie, not once to him, but there were things I didn’t tell him, things I didn’t tell anyone, but things he wanted to know. And that scared the shit out of me. The thought of telling him just how fucked up my family was … how deep that distrust of relying on anyone went. If I put all that out there, how could he still want me? It’s so much more than anyone should have to deal with, my particular brand of crazy.
“I’ll … ” I couldn’t finish the sentence because like I said I never lied to him, but I truly didn’t know if I could give him what he was asking for. Even as much as I wanted to be with him … some scars never heal no matter how much you want them to.
We came through the door to the apartment to three sets of expectant eyes. They each took their time looking us over for a sign of what had passed outside. Since it hadn’t gone my way, I wasn’t about say a word. They’d know right away that the “happily ever after” hadn’t happened and I’m pretty sure Sam and Cain hadn’t expected it to. It made me want to have an inside track on what these guys talk about when the girls aren’t around. I’d always thought it was about breasts and who slept with who and sports. This whole debacle taught me that even they went deeper. I was the only shallow one of the group.
“I’m heading to bed,” I said finally then tore out of there to the safety of my bedroom. Hearing their voices murmuring out there didn’t make me want to know what was being said. It made me wish I couldn’t hear them at all. Especially if Adam told them what I said. I chastised myself right then because I knew Adam better than that. Even if he explained what happened out there by the fire, he’d never tell them exactly what happened between us.
Instead, I took a shower to drown the rest of the world out. Washed the lake and the day down the drain before getting into a pair of boy short panties and a white tank top to sleep in. Just as I opened the door, turning off the light along the way, my heart jumped.
“Oh shit.” My hand went to my heart like that would in some way keep it in my chest where it belongs.
“Sorry.” Adam smiled in a way that said he regretted nothing. “Didn’t mean to scare you.”
“Well, you’re doing a shitty job of not scaring me.” A relieved chuckle came out once my body and brain knew I wasn’t in any danger.
“Like I said, sorry.” In that moment, it was like he just then realized what I was wearing. I hadn’t put it on to be sexy because I thought I’d be alone. But seeing the look on his face, the way his eyes popped slightly, I sure as hell was glad I did. “Listen, you took me by surprise outside. I just recently convinced myself that we were really over and that I should try to be friends with you. I’m not trying to sound like a pussy here, but that took some work.”
“I know.” I deflated because that statement said something I already knew. If we tried again
and things went south, there would be no going back to friends.
“But I still love you so that confuses the hell out of me.” From deflated to inflated. I was like a person with bipolar disorder off their meds. Up and down within minutes.
“What does that mean?” I left out the fact that I was overjoyed that he admitted to still having feelings for me.
“It means … I want us to be friends. We were before. But I’d honestly love nothing more than for us to be together.” My entire face jumped. “Hold on. We can’t do that until we work through all the other stuff.”
“Other stuff?” I squeaked.
“Yeah. All the shit you’ve never wanted to tell me about. I need to know all of you.”
“Ok.” Because really there wasn’t anything else I could say to that.
Chapter Eighteen
So that last interaction with Adam left me … befuddled … confused … with just an overall feeling of not knowing what the fuck to do. Boys are hard to understand. He loves me but wants to be my friend. Basically, he doesn’t want me to overreact and put his feelings through a wood chipper again. And I didn’t want to but opening up and sharing was going to be tough. It’s embarrassing. I wasn’t raped, molested, or beaten. I didn’t lose my parents at a young age. There were no pervy uncles that I had to avoid. I guess that was my biggest problem. It wasn’t that I didn’t have issues. It’s that I never thought they were big enough to matter. Being with Adam taught me that they totally mattered. Now I just had to figure out how to get over them.
At Sam’s request, we were going to spend the entire weekend together. He had to fly back out on Sunday for work on Monday and as he put it, he was going to jam as much time with his peeps as he could. Yup. He said peeps.
We all got a text late Friday night saying to pack a bag and that we were all going away for a night. Now, this happened more than once in college and I found that it’s always best to just go with it. But not knowing where you were going did make packing a little tough.
Knocking on Flannery’s bedroom door was something I tried not to do as a general rule, especially on Saturday morning. But if anyone was going to know where we were headed, it’d be Cain. When he opened the door in just a pair of boxers, I jumped back because he startled me with his quickness. With Flannery and me living together for the last two years, things got comfortable. There wasn’t much modesty to go around.
“Jesus, can’t you put a shirt on before you open the door?”
“No.” He shook his head. I slipped past him before he went into the bathroom and I heard the water turn on in the shower.
Running over to the bed, I hopped up and started to slide in to the spot he’d just vacated. Then I stopped.
“I’m not going to hit anything weird in here, am I?” Flannery gave me a little smile in that I’m tired but awake sort of way.
“Don’t be gross.”
“Hey, with you two, I have to ask.” Then I pushed down into the bed. His spot was still warm and snuggly and it didn’t even seem weird that I was there. Let’s just say it wasn’t the first time one of us had run him off. “Do you know where we’re going?”
A big yawn took up her whole face before she could answer. “The casino, I guess. In Mt. Pleasant. Cain and Sam decided last night.”
“Well that sounds fun.”
She shrugged. I’m sure that wasn’t her normal type of place. “I guess they want guy time but don’t want to leave us behind.” Her eyes went from me to the blanket then back to me like she was nervous about saying something. I was going to start babbling about the dark bedding but decided to get it over with. Flannery would burst eventually.
“What?”
“Well, Sam called to make reservations after you went to bed, which don’t think I don’t know Adam went in there after you and I want details, but they had very few rooms left.”
“So?”
“So, he only made reservations for two. But we already have it figured out. You and I will share one and the stinky boys will stay in the other. It’ll be fun. Like a slumber party.”
Groaning, I said, “You don’t have to do that. I know you want to stay with your stinky boy. I can share with the other two. They will just have to cuddle up in one bed.” I thought for a moment. “Actually, that works perfectly and I’ll take photos with which to torment them.”
“So, what happened?” she asked after getting herself under control.
I knew she meant with Adam so I told her about both conversations. She listened intently in her own Flannery way but each tick of the vein on her forehead told me what she was thinking. That girl couldn’t hide much from me. Even when I was done, she thought it over carefully before saying a word.
“Well, first of all, the friend stuff is bullshit and you know it. He said he loves you. But I’ve always thought you could open up to us more. I have so many scenarios in my head about what may or may not have happened to you that I can’t even keep them straight.”
Before I could respond to that, Cain came out in a pair of basketball shorts, his brown hair still wet from the shower and threw himself on the bed across both of our legs. His muscled weight threatened to break both my legs but I think he only caught Flannery’s feet.
“What are we talking about?” He looked from her to me with his head propped in his hands. He spoke like he was trying to be one of the girls.
“Adam,” we said at the same time. He groaned and rolled his eyes.
“I’m out. I think I spend enough time hearing about Burger. We’re leaving in half an hour, girls,” he called out as he walked into the hall. At the same time, we heard a knock on the door then Sam’s voice. Within seconds, there was another knock and this time Adam’s deep tenor filled the apartment. Man, guys had it easy when it came to getting ready.
Then all three of them were standing in the doorway of the bedroom.
“Does anyone have a camera on them?” Sam asked with a smirk. “I think I’m gonna need this image later.”
Cain pushed him with enough force that he fell across the threshold. “Fuck you.”
He laughed so hard, Adam too until they sucked Cain into their perverted web of depravity. Letting out a long sigh, I glanced at Flannery, rolled my eyes, then popped up out of bed. I noticed Adam’s eyes on me the minute I flung the blanket back. I was, after all, in the same boy shorts and tank top as I was the night before. Smirking, I gave my slide through them a little something extra that made Sam laugh.
“Well, I’m getting up, too,” Flannery said loudly. “And Cain, I’d like you to think long and hard about what I’m wearing.”
“Everybody out.” He pushed the guys back even though none of them had actually crossed the threshold then shut the door in their faces with all three on the outside. He turned to me and said, “Go, Kendra, get ready.”
“If you need any help in there, let me know,” Sam said with a cheeky grin that earned him a whack to the back of his head. “What the fuck, Adam?”
“I’m standing right here,” he said back.
“And?” This time Cain pushed the both of them back down the hall toward the living room.
Within the thirty minute time limit, Flannery and I were both standing in the living room, looking very cute, if I do say so myself. We’d both chosen skirts and sandals because it was supposed to be hot, her with a button down top, me in another tank with thick straps. We each had one bag because as far as girls go, we can travel pretty light.
The five of us piled into Cain’s car, he drove with Flannery in the front, and I got wedged in back with the guys. Funnily enough, I was so used to this from the last two years that the closeness didn’t bother me in the least. Right away, Sam started messing with me, pushing my leg with his knee, telling me that I was too tall to be in the middle but they were both taller. Adam on the other hand did his very best to keep a little space between us.
The ride left me rethinking the whole sharing a room with those two. And we hadn’t told them when Sam ch
ecked us in and we headed up. Neither of them really said anything when the happy couple continued down the hallway and we dropped all of our stuff in our room. They just went with the flow.
The room was big enough for the three of us. Pretty much a standard hotel room with two queen size beds, a dresser-type thing that the TV sat on, a small table with two chairs in the corner, and a functional if not elaborate bathroom. Everything was a slightly different shade of beige though and I thought it could be so much better with a little color.
Traveling with guys taught me one thing. They get hungry a lot. So our first order of business was food. Down off the casino, there was a little fifties inspired diner so we went there. After we hit the pool for a few hours, it was time to gamble.
The guys hit the blackjack table but Flannery and I just wanted to chill out at a few slot machines. We could hear the guys over our shoulders being loud and laughing. This was something we all needed.
“Hi.” Two guys slid in next to us. Flannery responded because she had a lot less experience with guys than I did. I could tell right from the get go that they weren’t near us for the machines. Something else piqued their interest. Within a few minutes, we got up and went to another block of machines.
They followed. I shook my head at Flannery. They only made little comments here or there over the next couple of hours. Ones that we were able to shake off. They’d go away then come back to bug us. I mean, if you’re female you’re going to get hit on from time to time. But they seemed to attach themselves to our hips.
“How are you ladies doing tonight?” the one closest to me asked for about the fifth time. They both looked to be around thirty, about my height, and were light blond. Maybe they were brothers. Either way, so not my type. I prefer a slightly darker blond. Basically, I preferred Adam. And his words slurred just enough for me to know he was drunk. Drawing in drunk guys was my secret superpower. But with that, I was able to discern their inebriation.
Up for Forever Page 12