Indecision

by Brittany Fuller

  Evelyn

  A few weeks and several dates later, Noah and I are inseparable. If we aren’t texting each other, we’re calling each other. If I’m home, he’s there with me, and most winter nights we fall asleep on my couch in each other’s arms with the fireplace crackling and popping in the background.

  I always feel him sneak out from underneath me in the wee hours of the morning, kissing me softly before he leaves for work. Each night Noah swears he’s going home early at least once that week, but night after night he always fails miserably; trying to let each other go seems far too difficult when we are both so eager to soak up every second together we can.

  Deliriously smitten, I’m obsessed with finding out everything I can, mentally and physically, about the man slowly stealing my heart whenever we’re together. I have never felt this way about a guy before in my life. In an attempt to not break my heart, and being entirely new to this kind of feeling, I decide it’s best to only show as much emotion as Noah does towards me. Guarded, I fear showing too much too soon, although I am trying to make myself let go of the fear that consumed me a few weeks back.

  Just because I feel this way about him, doesn’t mean I have to give up anything. If he feels the same way I do, and if he is falling for me as much as I am for him, he will understand my dreams and won’t want me giving up on them either. The risk is just in knowing where we stand.

  Isn’t it? I doubt myself, although I am not entirely sure why.

  Gwen moved in with me around the middle of December after bombarding me with the news of her sudden move during our brief night out at Gatsby’s a month ago. Because she would rather die than live with her mother, and I did happen to have a spare bedroom, the choice seemed obvious. Although her move did put a damper on mine and Noah’s late night couch sessions. Since I never venture anywhere near Rex’s, not wanting to bump into any of his latest conquests or hear their late-night escapades, Noah and I spend the nights in my room, which makes holding out on him all that much harder.

  I still have not given him the green light to go all the way, and to be honest with myself, I’m not quite sure why. Never labeled a slut, I’m also not a prude.

  “I’m telling you, the man is gay!” Gwen exclaims one Saturday night over a bottle wine.

  Typically, by now I would be curled around the tall, dark, handsome man that has quickly begun to feel like my other half; but since Gwen’s move we haven’t had much girl time, which she sure has given me hell for since most of all the other people she used to know around town either don’t live here anymore or are already married with children.

  “Stop it already.” I giggle, well into my third glass and having no intention of slowing down. We had talked about getting food after glass one, but two more glasses and neither of us has made a move for the door or the phone, which could prove to be a very bad idea soon if we don’t come to our senses.

  “Well, then give it to me. Tell me why you know without a doubt that the man isn’t just using you as his beard?” she says, winking at me with a wide smile as she takes another gulp—not sip—of wine.

  “He has very skilled hands.” I laugh into my own glass.

  “Hands?!” she exclaims. “That’s it! Hands! Geez, Ev, that is something you can do on your own!”

  Rolling my eyes at her, my smile widens, remembering a few nights prior.

  “His mouth is better, though.” I wink.

  Slapping my knee, her eyes widen. “I knew it, you little vixen. You’ve been holding out on me,” she says.

  Giggling, I wait until she’s settled back in her seat. “And when he uses them both at the same time, Good Lord,” I say, fanning myself and laying my head against the chair.

  “Well hell,” she confesses with a look of shock. “He might not bat for the other team after all.”

  I smile knowingly and let a silence settle over us. As much as I find myself more and more obsessed with the man every day that we are together, and as much as I have given up on the idea that falling for him means giving up on my own dreams, I still have this feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that I fight with, and I am not fully sure what exactly it is yet.

  I’m not scared or anything—at least I don’t think so. It’s more the unwillingness to hand over my life, to surrender to him and except that this might be it. Even if I won’t surrender all plans and dreams to a man I have just met, knowing there could be a greater future between us typically means building a new set of plans and dreams together. The focus I tried to gain when I first met him is beginning to blur; and even though I try not admitting it to myself, a world without Noah is a world I’m not sure I want to live in.

  But am I ready to build new dreams with him and somehow manage to figure out a way to keep my own?

  The ill feeling in the pit of my insides creeps into this all too real reality every time I think about it, and might be the one thing holding me back from ever jumping over that edge. From ever allowing myself to feel completely the way that I imagine other people feel.

  What if there is so much more that I’d be giving up by giving in? What if I find myself slowly compromising each day with each month in which our relationship continues to grow? What if, in the end, I’m left with a shell of what I used to be and our world has hardly anything to do with me anymore?

  Gwen gives me a questionable look, sensing something’s up with the long silence. “What is it?”

  “I’m not sure,” I admit honestly. “I mean, I should be on cloud nine. I should be so excited and wanting to shout it from the top of my lungs. I should be giving in and doing things like going all the way, not holding back, and yet …”

  “And yet …” she echoes.

  Shrugging my shoulders and shaking my head, I force a smile. “Nothing,” I lie. “I’ll figure it out. Or it will figure me out. Besides, there is always more to life than love and romance right?” I ask, more making a statement than questioning the validity of what I just said.

  “Damn straight, lady!” she exclaims clanking my glass with her own. “It only burns you in the end anyways.”

  She gets up and makes her way back to the kitchen to grab some more wine, and I am left with my thoughts. Deciding best to push them down where they came from, I straighten myself up a little taller on the couch and raise my glass to my lips, taking a sip.

  “Burns you in the end …” I say aloud, echoing her this time.

  How about burns right now?

  I know all about the burn in the pit of my stomach, and I’m not sure how to fight it. I’m also not sure I’m strong enough to fight the feelings that I have for Noah that grow stronger and stronger every day, and that only makes it burn more.

  Evelyn

  Ten days before Christmas, almost a month after Noah and I became inseparable, I decide to throw Gwen a house warming party. She’s, of course, all about the event. Except for the fact that Rex will also be in attendance because it’s simply just too hard to keep him away. Plus, knowing Rex, he’d probably show up anyway, invited or not.

  An hour before guests are set to arrive Noah, Michael, Rex, and Trevor come over to help set up. When everything is just about right, Gwen and I slip into the back room to get ready while the boys head out to the balcony on this unusually warm December evening in California to enjoy a beer.

  After a quick shower and freshening up my makeup and hair, I put on a little red dress that hugs my curves in all the right places. If the weather is going to bless us and feel more like spring than winter, I’m taking full advantage of it before January hits and it’s typically wet and cold until spring.

  “We’re ready!” I exclaim as Gwen and I step out of the back bedroom and make our way down the hallway. The boys have moved back inside and are now gathered around the countertop in the kitchen.

  “I can see that,” Noah says, grabbing and kissing me hard the second that I come within an arm’s reach of him. I kiss him back in a hurry then push away slightly. Grabbing me tightly, he lays an overabunda
nce of kisses all over, first on my check then lower on my neck and collarbone.

  “Stop, you’ll mess me all up,” I say, holding on to him as his weight pushes me slightly backwards, giving him better access to my neck just like he likes. I know he does it to make me absolutely defenseless, and it works every time. He could mess me up all he wants as long as he keeps kissing that one spot, right there.

  “You know how hard it is for me to take my hands off of you once I start,” is his muffled response.

  “Oh my God, get a room,” Gwen shouts.

  “No problem,” Noah exclaims, picking me up by the waist and hauling me over his shoulder as he makes his way to my bedroom.

  “Noah!” I giggle, slapping him on the back. “Put me down.”

  He eventually obliges, setting me down softly in the hallway and leaning into me.

  “Your all mine later, baby,” he growls. “I have plans for you and that sorry excuse of a dress you’re wearing.”

  “Oh, you like it do you?” I tease, pushing my hips forward and feeling him growing hard with need.

  “I do, and so will every other man here tonight,” he says, looking me up and down. “Not sure I like that.” He responds, raising an eyebrow daring me to push it.

  “You’re silly,” I manage, an absolutely ridiculous comeback, but I’m entirely unsure what else to say.

  “Baby, if they have half the thoughts that I have running through my mind, and I know they will, I will have to fight them off left and right,” he says. “I don’t like other guys thinking thoughts about what’s mine, and only mine.”

  “Oh I’m yours, huh?” I tease. “You own me, do you?”

  I push away, smiling, and he grabs me from behind, holding me as we walk back into the kitchen. He nuzzles my neck a little. I feel the stubble of his five o’clock shadow, which only adds to the sensation of him pressed against me from behind.

  “I’m planning to make you all mine later tonight. You can bet this sorry excuse of a dress on that,” he says playfully as he tightens his grip around me. “God you smell amazing,” he whispers in my ear, sending chills through every part of me as he nibbles my earlobe.

  “Your relationship cuteness is on overload.” Gwen says pushing past us with a glass of wine in her hand.

  “So, Noah, next month’s the big move back to Kentucky huh?” Trevor hisses out, which stops me dead in my tracks and causes Noah to bump into me forcefully.

  Move? Kentucky? I’ve been with him practically every day and night since we met, and this is the first that I am hearing about any type of move. Looking up at him, I find myself unable to contain the slight tremble that takes over me as the sick burn in the pit of my stomach returns, and I hear Gwen’s voice in my head … “In the end you always get burned.”

  “Actually … I just signed a year’s lease at a studio right in downtown Nevada City. Move in two weeks,” Noah says, trying to reassure me and looking nowhere else but in my eyes. His stare holds me steady when I feel like everything else is coming crashing down around me.

  A small sense of calmness washes over me briefly from his reassuring eyes, but that burn inside still has not diminished. I grab his arm trying to find relief. He grins at me, but I can tell he’s trying to search my eyes for how I’m feeling. Looking away, I try to hide the trembling I feel inside and the burn that is still there from having almost lost him when I didn’t even know that was a possibility.

  “I thought you were going to stay at my place?” Rex asks.

  “I thought you might be kinda sick of me by now.” Noah laughs. “Plus, a place of my own offers a little more privacy,” he says, looking at Gwen.

  “Thank God,” Gwen exclaims. “These old walls definitely have ears.”

  “You got a place downtown? How close is it? Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask warily. Still shaken, I haven’t caught up on the conversation yet. Normally, I would have some retort for Gwen’s comment, but I’m still stuck on not understanding how losing him was—or rather possibly is my new reality.

  “I wanted to be closer to you,” Noah says, staring into my eyes. A small smile breaks out on my face, but behind it I feel that burn and start to feel myself holding back. Something has changed and something isn’t right. Normally, I can push the burn down. Normally, I can push it away. But there it sits inside me, all while my mind refuses to be quiet, rushing through a million scenarios I know are probably false but I listen to anyway.

  “Plus, it’s cheaper,” comes Gwen’s abrupt commentary. Everyone’s attention immediately shoots towards her, astonished she has made such a comment in a moment that was supposed to be so tender.

  “What!” she yells. “It is!”

  “I know someone else who’s cheap …” Rex starts to say.

  “Oh shut up!” she says, shoving him slightly.

  “If you wanted to touch me that bad, Gwenie, I can come a little closer,” he says, walking directly towards her, trying to cage her in between him and the counter. Huffing a little, she pushes around him and makes her way into the living room.

  “We’re still on for you to help with that addition at the club right?” Rex asks laughing at Gwen’s childish ways.

  “Sure thing!” Noah says. “As long as you spread the word about who did the work.”

  “Well this calls for a toast,” Michael suggests, raising his glass. “To friends! The old, and the new! Glad you’re sticking around, buddy!” He cheers Noah, and everyone moves forward to have their glasses meet in the center of the small room.

  I hear Noah continue to thank our friends, and one by one they tell him how happy they are that he is staying. I escape to the balcony where he quickly follows behind me. As I turn around to meet him, he swoops me up in a big hug and doesn’t let me go. At first I giggle in his arms, fighting back playfully, trying to ignore what I felt inside. Soon, I quiet and grab hold of him tightly.

  “I didn’t know you had plans to leave,” I whisper into his chest.

  “Now how could I ever leave you.” He kisses me on the top of my head.

  “I’m glad you’re staying. I never thought you had any intention of leaving.” I pause for a moment, hoping my statement sinks in a little. “It would have broken my heart if you left,” I admit in a whisper, more to myself than to him.

  “Just the thought of leaving you broke my heart … That’s why I knew I had to stay. I can barely leave your side for less than a day. How could I be thousands of miles away?” he confesses, breaking away long enough to look me deeply in the eyes.

  I smile. “I know the feeling.”

  I lean in to kiss him sweetly and lovingly, but I still feel my heart shaken from the thought of him possibly leaving and having to find out the way I did. I obviously hadn’t thought him leaving me was ever an option, more only the thought about me leaving him.

  There is something different in the way I kiss him. Something’s different in the way I am suddenly holding back. The burn, the sickness inside. For a brief moment, I don’t feel the same in his arms. I try to ignore the presence I feel, the presence of something hiding deep inside. I want to know what it is all while struggling to ignore it at the same time. Something has changed, and I want desperately to change it back. But how? How can you undo what has been done? Even though he isn’t leaving, something inside me has started to shift, and I struggle trying to figure out what that is.

  The thought of Noah leaving rattles me so hard I remain quiet most of the night. I don’t even noticed I’m standoffish until most of our friends start asking me what’s the matter. Still unable to find words, I shrug and eventually say things like, “I’m tired, that’s all,” and hardly recognize how abruptly my mood has changed.

  The trio—Rex, Michael, and Trevor—leave shortly after 2 a.m. After everyone else has managed to clear out and get safely to their cars, Noah and I sit in silence, nestled into one side of my couch. He strokes the top of my head as I stare off in deep thought.

  “Well,” Gwen says, pushing her
self out of her seat in the chair across the room. “I think I have had all I can for one night.” She steadies herself on her feet, glancing our way. “Thank you for my party, my dear. I believe I will drag myself off to bed and leave you two love birds to it.”

  “Goodnight,” I call.

  “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” she says as she walks to her room.

  A million thoughts rush through my mind, so fast they make me feel nauseated, and it’s hard to grab ahold of just one. My thoughts come with such force and intrusion, I can’t even begin to think which is more important than the other. The fact that I’ve been left alone with them all night has made them multiply like the plague—a mind plague that has prevented me from enjoying any ounce of the evening like I should have.

  There is a void, and all I want to do is break it down. I had put up a wall between the two of us without even knowing. I need to find a way out, back to our happy place. With the speed in which my thoughts are happening though, I find myself struggling even more as I try to find a way to break free.

  “Your silence is not anticipated,” Noah blurts out, interrupting the latest thought I have.

  I begin silently cursing myself for reacting the way I did, causing the silence which is now serving as a horrible intruder. I sense hurt in his voice; and even though he never gets up, and never stops running his fingers through my hair, I know he’s also scared.

  “I’m just tired. That’s all,” I manage to respond, attempting to make light of the situation and hoping that he will drop it. Tensing, I wait for a rebuttal. I’ve been in situations like this before and know most men wouldn’t take my reply as the truth, not if they really cared.