Indecision

by Brittany Fuller

  I want things to be great between us, and sensing that we might be about to have our first argument makes me increasingly sick to my stomach. Everything before now has been better than I could have asked for, and I had no intentions of ruining our new relationship buzz. Even though I know everything can’t be perfect forever, I don’t want our kind of perfect to end.

  I have no idea how Noah handles himself in tight spots or frustrating situations. The fact is I will find out sooner or later, although I have no desire to cross that bridge tonight. If Noah has as strong of feelings for me as I think he might, the matter will be pressed, and I’m on the verge of finding out just how our personalities might match in a fight.

  “When I signed that lease, I was happier than I have ever been. I couldn’t wait to share the news with you,” Noah starts, obviously fully aware of what caused my sudden change in mood. “I walked around the apartment and thought of no one else. I actually saw us in every corner, in every space.” He laughs nervously. “For many reasons, I never let myself imagine things like that. But I did with you. I couldn’t fight it because it is all I could ever want. Now I feel like that was stupid …”

  Listening to his slow, heartfelt confession, I don’t move an inch from his side. I wait, wanting to hear everything he has to say, hoping it will shed some light on the thoughts that I can’t get straight in my own head. Hearing him refer to himself, and us, as stupid sends my head shooting straight up from his shoulder and I quickly find myself cutting him off.

  “You’re not stupid. Don’t say that. I just …” I trail off, collecting the thoughts I have been trying so hard to make sense of that are clouding my mind. Taking a deep breath, closing my eyes, and looking up, I pause. I pause for seconds that turn into minutes while Noah sits staring at me. I just hope I’m ready to say what he wants or needs to hear.

  “I never thought …” I say, meeting his eyes, as tears roll down my face.

  “Why are you crying, darlin’? Don’t cry!” Noah grabs hold of my hands, worried and just as shaken as myself.

  Laughing, I wipe the tears away. “Let me finish!”

  Noah sits taller and braces himself for what’s coming next. As he squeezes my hand, I can tell he doesn’t want to let go. With hope and fear in his eyes, he looks into my own and mirrors what I feel inside. I’m not even sure what I’m about to say, but I know that whatever it is, it needs to be worked through.

  “I never thought,” I repeat, smiling at him and pausing for a brief second before continuing, “that one day you might leave. When we first met, you told me you were from another state. Well, I threw away every idea of seeing you ever again. And even though the thought of you tugged at my heart, and hope consumed me, I thought I knew deep down inside you would never be a chance I’d be lucky enough to take. Seeing you at my parents’ house, I was so excited and I just assumed you had to live here. I let myself fall for you, thinking you would always be around. Tonight, when I heard you were leaving, my heart broke in a way I never thought it could. And I never ever want to feel that way again.”

  “But I’m not leaving,” Noah asserts sternly, trying to break my train of thought from wherever he fears it might be headed.

  “I know that now, but the fear shook me so badly … I’ve never experienced anything like it. I can’t explain it. And in a weird way it still hurts,” I try to explain. “I don’t want to keep you from anything. I don’t want to make you regret anything in life. I don’t know what you had planned before you met me, but I don’t want to be a regret and a reason why it didn’t work out.”

  “Evelyn,” Noah says sternly, “you would never be something I would ever regret.” He reaches up and touches my face. I can tell he’s apprehensive in his touch, and I realize my need to feel him. To feel us. Something in his touch stifles that burn. When he touches me, it doesn’t burn anymore. When he touches me, I don’t doubt.

  Still needing answers though, I continue. “You say that now, but what about later? I mean, it’s only been a little over a month, Noah! Can you honestly tell me that you know enough about me that everything you thought you had planned or thought you wanted can wait … or possibly never happen? I know I’ve had dreams, I have plans. I’ve placed my whole heart on the line in hopes of obtaining them, and it’s hard to let go and give up. That’s a big decision to make. If you had hopes and dreams back home …” I trail off, not knowing where to go from here having revealed more than I thought I would in this moment.

  Noah searches my eyes, and I try my best to keep up my guard. I try to look mad enough to make him take me seriously, but soft enough to hopefully see my heart. Above all, I want him to know that he has an out. If he’s going to take it, it has to be now, before I invest any more of my time. The thought of him leaving has affected me so profoundly, I have been forced to face the reality that someday he might want to. I find myself wanting that day to be now, before I let myself go any further.

  “I made my choice,” he says so simply, hurt and anger hurling out at me on the tail end of his response.

  “But what if it’s the wrong choice,” I ask quietly, looking down at our hands laced together. I won’t dare look him in the eyes. I’m scared and want to stand my ground. Looking him in the eye, I might break and give into my feelings. I want nothing more than for him to stay, but I feel like I have to guard my heart, and not let him know, so he can be free to make whatever decision he needs to.

  “I love you,” he whispers. “And if loving you is wrong, I’ll take my chances.”

  Startled and surprised, I look up quickly and hold his gaze. I’m searching for honesty and want to know if his words are real. But it’s the way Noah looks at me, the way he holds my hand, the electricity in the air between us that tells me he isn’t lying.

  I wait for the burn. I wait for the sickness. I wait for the thoughts, for any reason why I shouldn’t trust him or continue to deny myself from feeling the same way, knowing that I started loving him the day he swung me around in that bar and kissed me senseless.

  This man is amazing … my man is amazing. My man who has just beautifully told me he loved me in such a simple way I know it could never be matched. He’s willing to risk everything to take a chance before he even knew if I loved him too. He has thrown all his plans aside and moved his whole world around just to be with me. What he has done took courage, and I only hope I can manage the same.

  “I love you too,” I whisper back, looking in his eyes and wanting to see how he responds to my confession.

  A smile breaks out on his face, his eyes glistening. I see relief and excitement, like I’ve just given him the best gift ever. Pulling me close, he pauses briefly, before playfully saying, “And what if that’s the wrong choice?”

  Smiling, I respond, “Then I’ll take my chances!”

  He doesn’t kiss me, only stares into my eyes, lust building with each passing second as I begin to tremble with anticipation and longing. He pulls me to my feet, and I stand willingly. The building silence between the two of us tells me one thing, no more words will be spoken this evening. Grabbing my waist, he hoists me up, and I jump almost anticipating his move. He holds me there in his arms in my living room for a moment, and somehow, somewhere, in the quiet that surrounds us I can feel it.

  The love we have for one another can never be replaced.

  My eyes fall to Noah’s lips—lips that have kissed me many times, and suddenly I know I’m about to experience them in a different way than I have ever before. I bite my bottom lip in anticipation and feel his touch tighten. Slowly, he starts his walk towards my bedroom, still not saying a word and letting the silence between the two of us speak volumes.

  My heart quickens, and my body feels euphoric as I anticipate what awaits me. I want to give Noah all of me. I want to show him how much I need him. And I want to let him possess me in a way I have never let any man before.

  Noah

  Waking up, I take a few moments letting my eyes adjust to the light that fills t
he room. At first I had expected to be in my own room, surrounded by my own things. Turning on my side, I see my beautiful woman sleeping on her stomach, blond hair cascading down her bare back that I kissed in a million places the night before, over and over again. The thoughts immediately make me want to wake her and go for round four—or is it five—but watching her sleep is oddly just as satisfying. I want to touch her, but don’t want to wake her. She’s so peaceful and beautiful, and just the gift of being able to wake up next to her is more than I could have ever asked for.

  I brush my fingers slowly up and down her back and move her hair off to her shoulders. She stirs momentarily, and I slow my movements. I lean forward and kiss down her spine as I move out of the bed. I need a hot shower and coffee to regain some strength and start to feel human.

  Taking a quick shower, I pull on my jeans from the night before. It might be time for me to start packing a bag and leaving it in the car. I hadn’t before because I didn’t want to assume too much of what was building between the two of us. But after last night, I doubt I will ever spend another night without sleeping next to her again.

  I make my way to the kitchen, thankful that Gwen has already left for the day, and rummage through the cabinets to find coffee. I hear Evelyn stirring from the back room and hungrily anticipate her joining me. I might just be inspired to have my way with her in here as well and start imagining all the ways in which we could make that happen, completely forgetting what it was I was supposed to be doing. My phone starts vibrating on the counter across the kitchen snapping me back to reality.

  Annoyed at being jolted from my fantasy, I reach for the phone, forgetting I had silenced the ringer the night before. I’m taken back when I see that I have twelve missed calls and five new voicemails. Glancing at the time, I notice it’s not too late on this Sunday morning and my heart slightly speeds up hoping nothing is wrong.

  Looking further, I notice two text messages from Rex. Both urgent. Both needing an immediate response, which I haven’t given, and I hope like hell I’m not too late to jump in on the action once I have a second to digest what they are saying.

  Fumbling with my phone, and my train of thought, I finally find Rex’s number and hit call. I wait impatiently for him to pick up, if he even will, and pace the kitchen a little. From the little I put together from the text messages he had sent, I wonder if I’ve missed my opportunity and wish like hell I haven’t.

  It has been too long since my last fire, and hell if I am about to pass up my chance at another one. Adrenaline begins running through my veins at the thought of getting out there and doing one of the things that I like best.

  “Noah, where the hell have you been? Never mind, don’t answer that question,” Rex says.

  “Yeah, yeah, put my phone on silent. Am I too late,” I ask.

  “I just got here. Chief said if you’re not here soon we’re leaving without you,” Rex says urgently.

  I know I have to leave fast. I hear Evelyn coming down the hallway, and for the first time I feel a tug of regret having to leave her not knowing how long I might be gone.

  “I’ll be there! Try and stall as long as you can, but I swear I’m coming!” I hope Rex hears the insistence in my voice. I don’t want to leave Evelyn, but I don’t want to miss out on this opportunity either.

  A forest fire from a lightning strike is raging in a town called Truckee, about two hours from here. Since the ground and surrounding trees are so dry from the drought, the forest is now engulfed in flames and is nowhere near contained. It’s spreading fast and homes are beginning to be threatened. It has grown so rapidly overnight, they are now pulling any available firefighters from local towns to help go and battle the flames.

  I had fought a few over last summer, but I haven’t had the opportunity to fight one in winter. The forecast looks clear for the next week and temperatures have remained abnormally high, making fire season extend in Northern California well past normal. With still no sign of rain, the drought seriously threatens the idea of any containment if we, and any other firefighters full time or volunteer, don’t work overtime and long hours to put it out.

  Evelyn comes into the kitchen, sleepy eyed and looking sexier than I have ever seen as bare curves stick out from all the right places under the robe she has just thrown on. I curse myself silently for the news I’m about to break to her.

  I won’t even have time to indulge in what is standing right in front of me as she puts on the most beautiful early morning display that would make any man weak in the knees. The thought of it almost makes me want to stay and say to hell with the chief and Rex, but I know an opportunity like this may not come again for a long time, and I have to take it while I can.

  “Kiss that girl of yours goodbye and hurry your ass up! We might be out there for a while. I’ll do my best stalling, but you know the chief, he waits for no one,” Rex says, bringing me out of my thoughts and quickly hanging up the phone.

  I stand silent, staring down at the phone in my hand. Evelyn has obviously noticed the difference in my demeanor and doesn’t come any closer. She stands, tightening the ties on her robe, already knowing what we both anticipated happening this morning is not in the cards.

  “Is everything ok?” she asks.

  “Yeah,” I answer, swallowing hard, still not looking up from my phone. I don’t think she would be mad, but I know she won’t be happy either. I don’t want to leave her and already find I’m missing her while still standing just a few feet away.

  “Are you sure?” she asks, not buying my first response. Looking up, I reach out and grab her hand, pulling her a little closer.

  “Baby, I gotta go,” I manage. She looks at me stunned, like I’ve just hit her with the worst response possible. She takes a step back, her expression becoming a dangerous place to look, and I know I better hurry and explain better than that.

  “Darlin’, no, it’s not like you’re thinking,” I laugh nervously. “A fire broke out overnight and it sounds pretty bad. They’re calling all available volunteers. Rex is already there and said the chief won’t wait long, so I got to hurry.” Evelyn’s face relaxes a little, but not enough to make me feel like I am out of hot water.

  “Is it really dangerous?” she asks, sounding scared.

  “Well, I’m not going to lie and say no, but I wouldn’t worry,” I say, trying to calm her nerves. It obviously doesn’t work from the look on her face, so I continue as best as I can. “Don’t even start thinking that way baby girl. I’ll be back before you know it. I don’t know how long they will keep me out there, but it can’t be too long if they are calling in so many reinforcements.”

  Evelyn searches my eyes. She’s not buying what I’m saying. I can tell she’s still scared, and I hate the fact that my choices have now shaken her twice in the last twenty-four hours. I hope her heart is strong enough to withstand this part of my lifestyle and that our love is the kind of love strong enough to go through anything, only making us stronger. I know I sound sappy in my own mind, but I don’t care. The woman standing in front of me is quickly becoming my whole world now, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize that.

  “I’ll miss you,” she whispers, looking down at the floor. I know she doesn’t want to look in my eyes, so I tilt my head down trying to catch her gaze. She’s trying to be strong and looking me in the eyes would make her fail miserably.

  “I won’t be gone long. I promise! And when I get back, you better clear your schedule because I plan on making love to you for hours. At least one time for every day I’m away, so save your strength.”

  That gets her. She looks up, smiling beautifully. Her eyes dance and desire builds from my comment still lingering in the air between us. Her hands grab the top of my jeans tightly as she pulls me closer and traces the top, brushing her fingertips across my bare skin. She knows just how to tease, and I almost lose control, wanting nothing more than to pick her up and have my way with her up against the fridge, the counter, the cabinets, hell even the f
loor.

  “Promise …” she whispers, looking up at me longingly. I swear I’m about to cave. The way Evelyn looks at me, grabbing me closer, almost forces me to the point of no return. I need to find restraint now, before I make good on all the images running through my mind.

  My phone buzzes in my hand. Looking down, I see a text from Rex and know if I don’t break free now, I’m not going to make it in time. I step back briefly to read the message and then shove the phone in my pocket.

  Looking back up at Evelyn, I grab her face in my hands. Brushing my thumbs against her cheeks, I look her in the eyes, not wanting to move an inch closer to the door but knowing I have to. Slowly, I lower my mouth to hers, taking extra time to keep my eyes locked on hers and watch the way she responds to my movements. Her breath quickens, and she tenses slightly, waiting for my lips to touch hers. The way she always responds to my touch I know will never fail to turn me on like magic.

  Kissing her slowly and passionately, I draw out every second of the kiss that I can. I want to remember the way she tastes, the way she feels, and how we feel together. Truth be told, I don’t know how long I’ll be gone, but I know it’s going to be the longest we have been apart since we first met. Being without her is going to be torture, but knowing she’s waiting for me, and all the things I have in mind to do to her when I return, will be worth it.

  Backing away, I see a tear fall down one of her cheeks. I wipe it away with my fingers and hold onto her hands tightly. We look at each other, not wanting to let go but knowing it’s necessary.

  “I love you,” I whisper with a smile.

  “I love you,” she assures me. “Come back to me in one piece, and I promise to show you just how much.”

  I smile and know without a doubt that Evelyn Monroe is the most amazing woman I have ever or will ever get the chance to love in my entire life. She’s smart, witty, beautiful, spontaneous and full of life. Slowly making my way towards the door, I look back briefly before turning the handle. Exchanging a brief smile, she blows me a kiss just as I close the door. And damn it, as corny as it sounds, I already can’t wait until she’s back in my arms again.