Crystal Lies

by Melody Carlson

  I was flooded with relief, as if blood was pumping through my body again and life was returning. “Are you sure? Are you absolutely, positively certain?”

  “Yes. It’s a positive identification. The young man’s father is here, and the mother is on the way.”

  “Oh, thank you! Thank you!” I said, practically ecstatic as I hung up. Of course, I felt a sharp twinge of guilt over my relief that someone else’s child, not mine, had perished today. And, as if in penance, I prayed for the grieving family. I prayed for God to comfort them in their time of darkness. I knew they must be hurting badly.

  Still feeling the afterglow of relief, or that I had missed a bullet, I returned to sorting and opening my mail. It had piled up so badly in my little mailbox that the mailman had hand-delivered it to my door a couple of days ago. “Just wanted to make sure these were being forwarded to the right address,” he had said as he handed me the stack. “Everything okay?” I had forced a smile and attempted to assure him that I was perfectly fine, holding my door closed behind me to hide my slovenly housekeeping.

  I would do my best to heed Sherry’s advice today. Thankful that God had spared Jacob one more time, I would respond by cleaning up my act and acting like a seminormal person. Even so, I felt slow and dull, as if I was emotionally impaired and unable to think completely clearly. But I did remove my running shoes from the freezer. I set them by the baseboard heater to thaw, promising myself that I’d put them on and take a run before the day was over.

  It was midmorning when the ringing of my phone made me jump and spill a cup of coffee down my sweats and onto the kitchen floor. I used a towel to sop it up as I said hello and discovered it was Marsha Bennett. I’d only met this woman a few times, but I remembered she was a church friend of Sherry’s. I suspected she was calling to invite me to some Bible study or women’s function at their church. Sherry wouldn’t waste any time getting me plugged in.

  “I’m sure you’ve heard the news by now,” said Marsha in a sober voice.

  “What news?” I asked.

  “About Sherry’s son.”

  “What do you mean? Which son?”

  “Matthew.”

  “Oh, that’s right,” I said, glancing at my calendar. “It’s Matthew’s twenty-first birthday today. Goodness, I almost forgot.” Still, I wondered about the serious tone.

  She cleared her throat. “I guess you didn’t hear about the accident.”

  “Accident?”

  “Well, maybe accident isn’t the right word. Oh, Glennis, it was terrible. Matthew died early this morning of what they are calling alcohol poisoning.”

  I felt my knees giving way as I sank to the floor in shock. “That young man on the news? That was Matthew?” I said.

  “Yes. And you’re right, it would’ve been his twenty-first birthday today He’d come home yesterday to spend the weekend with his family and to celebrate his birthday. Then it seems some old high school buddies invited him to go to a bar to celebrate last night.”

  “No…”

  “Yes. It’s so sad. Pastor Allen said that the kids have this game or challenge or something. It seems they buy the one who’s having a birthday twenty-one shots of liquor.”

  “Twenty-one shots?” I repeated in a whisper.

  “Unbelievable, isn’t it, what kids will do for kicks nowadays?”

  “Oh, poor, dear, sweet Matthew.” I remembered those big blue eyes, the sweet shy smile. I’d known the boy since diapers. He and Sarah had gone through school together. Tears were pouring down my face.

  “Yes, it’s incredibly tragic.” She sighed. “Anyway, I’m calling you, since I know you’re a good friend of Sherry’s, to see if you might bring a hot dish over to the family. We’re setting up food for them for the next several days—until after the memorial service, which Pastor Allen says will be on Tuesday. Do you think you could help out?”

  “Yes, of course.”

  “How about Sunday then?”

  “Sunday is fine.”

  “Thank you. And sorry to be the bearer of such sad news.”

  “I appreciate your calling.”

  I felt numb as I hung up the phone. As if something inside of me was dead. And then I went into my bedroom, climbed into my still-unmade bed, and just sobbed. I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to get up again.

  I must’ve fallen asleep, but I woke up to a pounding on the door. Shaken and disoriented, I stumbled through my apartment to see who it was. I was hoping it was Jacob, coming home to show me that he was alive and well and ready to go into rehab now. I couldn’t have been more surprised when I discovered it was my estranged husband.

  “Geoffrey!” I exclaimed when I opened the door. “What are you doing here?”

  “I’ve been trying to reach you on your phone all day, Glennis.” He frowned as he looked around my still rather messy abode. “Are you okay?”

  I shook my head no, holding back new tears. It seemed unbelievable, but at that very moment all I wanted was for him to take me into his arms, to tell me he loved me and that he was sorry and that we’d start over, to stroke my hair, and then to assure me that everything was going to be okay.

  “You heard the news?” he asked.

  I swallowed hard, then nodded. “I heard.”

  He sighed. “It’s just unbelievable.”

  “Poor Sherry and Rod…and Mark. I feel so sad for them.”

  “I was trying to call you on your cell phone, Glennis,” he said,“but all I got was your messaging.”

  I glanced back to the counter in the kitchen where my cell phone was still sitting. “I think I turned it off,” I told him.

  “Well, I called Sarah and told her the sad news, and she wanted you to call her.”

  “Yes, she and Matthew used to be good friends.”

  “She was very upset, Glennis. She’s coming home tomorrow.” Home? I considered this concept. Of course, Sarah still considered her father’s house as her home. Lucky girl. “Where’s Jacob?” asked Geoffrey.

  I studied him for a moment. Was it possible that he, like me, had been concerned, maybe even worried, about the unidentified young man on the news this morning?“I haven’t seen him lately.”

  He frowned. “I thought he was staying with you.” He was.

  “Well, then where is he?” Geoffrey’s voice grew sharp. “How long has it been since you saw him.”

  “Not quite a week,” I said.

  “And you don’t know where he went?”

  I ran my hand through my messy hair and closed my eyes.

  “Glennis?” demanded Geoffrey. “What’s going on here?”

  I opened my eyes and looked at him. “What do you mean?”

  “This!” He waved his arm and made a face. “This place is a mess. You’re a mess. You have no idea where Jacob is. Your best friend just lost her son, and you’re shut up in this little pigsty with your phone turned off. What on earth is the matter with you anyway?”

  I felt invaded then. Okay, maybe it was a little pigsty, but it was my little pigsty, and I didn’t need my cheating husband to come in here and lecture me on how to live. “What is the matter with me?” I repeated in a quiet but seething voice. “You want to know what is the matter with me? Well, for starters my husband of twenty-five years is having an affair—”

  “Don’t start up about that affair business again, Glennis.”

  “Call it what you want, Geoffrey. I’ve seen you two together. Half the town has seen you two together. Do us all a favor and quit denying it. Okay?”

  To my relief, he said nothing.

  “Besides that,” I continued,“I have a son who is certain his father hates him. But if that’s not enough, this same son is using some very dangerous drugs—”

  “Dangerous?” His brow creased. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean he’s been shooting up crystal meth.” I waited for him to react.

  “Methamphetamines?” He looked truly stunned now.

  “Yes.”

&nb
sp; “You know this for a fact.”

  “I do.”

  Geoffrey slowly walked over and seemed to deflate onto my couch, which was still covered with dirty laundry I’d attempted to sort by color but had abandoned. He leaned over with his head in his hands and groaned.

  I sat down in the rocker across from him. And, although I don’t usually rejoice over other people’s pain, I got a strange sense of satisfaction in seeing him suffer like that. Maybe it was my mother-bear instinct, but I guess I hoped that if Geoffrey could really hurt for his son, really suffer a little, then maybe he did love him after all. And despite my mixed-up feelings for this man, I desperately wanted him to love Jacob.

  “I can’t believe it has gone this far,” Geoffrey finally said.

  I nodded. “It has. I’m guessing it has been going on for some time. I went to a meeting—”

  “You went to a meeting?” He frowned. “Why isn’t Jacob going to a meeting?”

  “I had scheduled a meeting for him with a counselor at Hope’s Wings—”

  “Hope’s Wings?” echoed Geoffrey. “You mean that cruddy little rehab joint on the west side of town?”

  “It may not look so great on the outside, but it has a good reputation. My therapist recommended—”

  “You have a therapist?”

  I tried to smile. “Oh, there’s so much you don’t know, Geoffrey.”

  “Well, why don’t you fill me in?”

  So for the next hour I tried to give him an account of both my life and Jacob’s since we’d left our home. And to my surprise, he listened. But more than that, he almost seemed sorry.

  “You probably think this is my fault, don’t you?” he finally said.

  I shrugged. “I think we can all share some blame. I know I’ve been beating myself up quite a bit.”

  “I never meant for things to end up like this, Glennis. Honestly, I didn’t.”

  Was this it? Was Geoffrey finally going to come clean and apologize and agree to get counseling and put our lives back together again?

  “I didn’t either,” I told him. Then I waited, but since he seemed to be stuck, I thought maybe I could help him out. “My therapist—she’s a friend of Sherry’s and really quite good—well, anyway, she does marriage counseling, too. And she’s been asking me to invite you to come with me, Geoffrey. And Sherry said she’s got a really great track record with helping couples…” But even as I said this, sounding like the pitiful little wife who was begging her husband to come back to her, I knew by the expression on Geoffrey’s face that it wasn’t going to happen. I think I even braced myself for his response.

  “Okay, Glennis,” he said. “It’s time for me to be completely honest with you.” He took in a deep breath. “This isn’t easy, but I guess you already knew anyway. I can see there’s no point in denying it.” He leaned forward, losing his courtroom confidence. “You’re right. Judith and I have been having an affair. And I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, Glennis. I never meant for it to go this far. I never meant to hurt you like this. It’s just that it all took me by surprise. And before I knew what was happening, well, it was happening.”

  “When?” was all I could say. “When did it begin?”

  He seemed to be thinking about this. “Well, the actual, uh, the actual physical affair began this summer. But I think we started having an emotional affair sometime last spring.”

  How many times in a lifetime can a person die, I wondered. In a day even? It seemed that every time I turned around, every time I made the slightest effort to regain my balance, I was dealt another deathblow. Oh, Geoffrey was right. I had known that it was going on—at least at some level. Maybe even last spring, although I’m sure I was in deep, deep denial.

  “Why are you telling me this now?” I asked in a weak voice.

  “Because I felt so bad when I heard about Matthew. I realized how fragile families are these days. I was thinking about Jacob and you and regretting some things.”

  I wanted to ask if he was regretting Judith, but knew I couldn’t say it in a way that wouldn’t sound sarcastic or bitter or mean.

  “So, what now?” I asked.

  He held up his hands. “I don’t know.”

  “Where do we go from here?” I repeated.

  “I’m not sure…

  “To be perfectly honest,” I said in an empty voice, just rambling now,“I’ve been so depressed lately that I’m afraid I’m losing my mind. It could happen, you know…” I waved my hand. “I mean look at this place. It’s plain to see that I’m not totally functional. Sherry was just here yesterday—” I choked now, suddenly reminded of her pain today. “She was… she was telling me to get my act together.” I leaned over now, clutching my sides, trying to hold it all in. “Sometimes I don’t know how I can handle all this pain, Geoffrey. Sometimes I think I’d just be better off dead.”

  He got up from the couch now and came over to stand by me, putting his hand on my shoulder. “You can’t give up, Glennis. Hard things happen in life, but we have to keep going. Sherry has been strong for you when you needed her. I suspect it’s your turn to be strong for her now.”

  “How?” I asked, looking up at him with blurry eyes. “How am I supposed to be strong when it feels like I’m dying inside?”

  “I guess you have to ask God to help you.”

  “You really believe that?” I said. “I mean do you honestly believe that for yourself, Geoffrey? Are you and God still on speaking terms…I mean after what you’ve done to…I mean with Judith?” Even her name tasted bitter on my tongue.

  “I don’t know about all that. But I still go to church, Glennis, and I’ve told Pastor McKinley about everything… In fact, we’ve talked a couple of times.”

  “Really?” I was curious. “And what did he say?”

  “Oh, you know, the expected things. He wasn’t pleased with what I’d done. But he did remind me that no sin is too big for God to forgive.”

  “Right.” I stood up. I no longer wanted his false hand on my shoulder. “So what are you going to do about all this, Geoffrey?”

  “About all what?”

  “All our messed-up lives.”

  “I guess there’s not much I can do about yours, Glennis, except to say I’m sorry and come to some sort of agreeable settlement.”

  “Settlement?” I heard my voice getting that high-pitched sound.

  “Yes, I want to be fair with you. I realize we didn’t have a prenuptial agreement, and most of our holdings came from my side of the family, so a fifty-fifty split wouldn’t really be appropriate. But I also know that you’ve grown accustomed to a certain way of living—”

  “You came here to talk to me about a divorce settlement today?” I demanded.

  “That wasn’t really my intention, Glennis. But I’ve been thinking about it, and you asked. I’m sorry if this seems premature.”

  I took a deep breath and quickly counted to ten. “Geoffrey,” I said,“even though it hurts, I do appreciate your being honest with me. But your timing isn’t the greatest.”

  “But you must’ve known it was coming to this. And, don’t forget, Glennis, you’re the one who left me. That’s an important factor in divorce court.”

  “Well, I could be wrong, but infidelity is an important factor, too.”

  “Look, Glennis, I think we can handle this in a civilized way. You’ve always been a sensible woman. Let’s just give this some time, and we can discuss it later. I assume you already have a lawyer.”

  “I’m sure you would assume that.” I turned my back to him. I didn’t want him to see me seething. A sensible woman, indeed!

  “Okay, I can see we’re getting nowhere,” he said. “But don’t forget to give Sarah a call. And if you see Jacob, well.

  “Well, what?” I turned around and glared at him.

  “Maybe you could let him know that I’m thinking of him. And if I have time, I’ll check into some better treatment centers for him. Gary Randolph had a daughter with a drug problem. They
sent her off to Colorado—some kind of working ranch. Although it was probably quite expensive, and I expect they’ll have a waiting list.”

  “If you could check,” I said, suddenly hopeful. It seemed the first time in ages that Geoffrey had taken a serious interest in his son’s welfare. “It wouldn’t hurt to get him on a list…just in case.”

  He nodded and headed for the door, then paused. “And I really am sorry, Glennis.”

  I took a step toward him. “Which part do you mean?” I asked. “What are you sorry for?”

  “Well, everything, I suppose. But I’m sorry that it’s come down to this between you and me. It was never my plan, you know.”

  I sighed, suddenly weary of this whole conversation. “I wasn’t my plan either, Geoffrey.”

  He stood there for a moment, just looking at me, and I wondered if he was feeling any serious regrets right now. Was he wondering if there was still hope for us? Then he said,“I just hope we can keep this divorce civilized, Glennis. For the sake of the kids and my career, you know, since I’m the one who’ll be paying for their college tuition. No need to turn our little problems into a three-ring circus, right?”

  “Right.”

  And then he left.

  So this was about preserving his image again. He was worried that I was going to put up a big fuss over the breakup of our marriage. Maybe he thought I would make a scene down at city hall. I imagined myself going down there in my coffee-stained sweats and bedroom slippers, with my bed-head hair sticking out like a fright wig, and yelling and screaming about how their city attorney was a worthless, adulterous jerk of a husband. I should’ve known that’s why he’d come. He’d been worried.

  Maybe I should give him a little credit. He did seem somewhat concerned about Jacob and truly saddened about Matthew. But when it came right down to it, I suspect his biggest concerns were for Geoffrey Tyler Harmon and his impeccable image as he strutted around city hall in his latest Armani suit.

  I noticed my Bible still on the coffee table with Sherry’s newspaper markers sticking out. Feeling bad that I had ignored it so far, especially in light of Sherry’s recent loss, I grabbed it and flipped open to a marker and read the sentence underlined in purple. “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn’t like the peace the world gives. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”