The Darkest Hour: A San Diegan Novel

by S. M. Soto

  Chase sits unmoving on one of the chairs on the balcony with a tumbler in his hand. My gaze drops to the amber liquid in the glass. I’ve seen Chase drink once in the entire time I’ve known him, so I’m not sure how to proceed. His gaze is trained on the ocean, and I’m briefly left wondering if maybe the ocean gives him a sense of peace.

  Didn’t he say he hated the ocean? Then why is he always out here staring at it longingly?

  He always stares at it like it has the answers to all his problems.

  I tentatively walk to the other chair, and lower myself into it, slowly preparing myself for whatever mood he’ll be in. I keep my eyes on him the whole time, waiting for any kind of reaction from him, but I get none. I steadily stare at his unblinking profile. The way the muscle in his jaw bulges from clenching his teeth, the light scruff across his face, his full lips, and his beautifully pained eyes that are trained on the ocean.

  “I’ll call you a cab.” His voice slices the quiet air around me but I can’t comprehend his words.

  He thinks I’m going to leave him? Like this?

  “I don’t need a cab,” I shoot back feeling my temper rise at his dismissal. “I’m staying so I know you’re okay,” I counter, strengthening my voice.

  He laughs humorlessly with a shake of his head. Scrubbing a rough hand down his face he gets up to stand. His back is to me now and I can feel him shutting down on me.

  Just let me in, damn you!

  I take a deep breath trying to reign in my escalating temper. I push onto my feet and I walk up behind him. His muscles tense. I place a soft hand on his back; willing him to look at me. When he does, all I see is pain mirrored back at me and it cuts right through me, lacerating my heart.

  “Talk to me,” I plead, my voice a hoarse whisper.

  “Like you talk to me?” He laughs dryly and I flinch.

  Okay, I deserve that.

  I watch helplessly as his jaw clenches further and he turns back to focusing on the ocean ahead–dismissing me.

  “Hey,” I say gently gripping his broad shoulder. I shift myself in front of him, blocking his line of sight. “You can talk to me, Chase. You can always talk to me. Who was on the phone earlier? What has you so upset?” I don’t take my eyes off his, in hopes he’ll open up.

  His eyes travel across my face before briefly closing. He turns away with a sigh and leans over the balcony railing. Forearms braced on the balcony railing, he gazes out to the dark, glistening ocean water ahead.

  “It was Scott on the phone.”

  “Isn’t he your financial advisor?” I question in confusion.

  “Yes. He’s also my godfather, one of my dad’s best friends.”

  Oh.

  “So, what happened?” I stare up at him; the muscle in his jaw is so tight I wouldn’t be surprised if I heard his tooth chip.

  “When my parents divorced, I lashed out at everyone. I acted like a child,” he says absently while staring ahead with no emotion in his voice.

  “My little brother always looked up to me. I could do no wrong in his eyes.”

  My palms start to sweat and I inhale calming breaths. I’ve put two and two together and have come to the conclusion of his brother passing away. I don’t know the how and why, but that’s about to change.

  “I was furious at them for giving up on their marriage. So, I started doing recreational drugs. Nothing crazy; hung out with the wrong crowd and fucked any girl in sight,” he says in a trance.

  His gaze is somewhere far away. There’s no bringing him back.

  “I was supposed to be watching him,” he whispers. “It was all my fault, Isaac died because of me.” His voice is nothing but a pained whisper.

  My breath catches and my stomach churns, not liking where this is going. I reach out and gently caress his forearm, willing him to go on.

  “I was angry because I was stuck babysitting my little brother. There was a bonfire at the beach, so I took him with me.” He takes a deep, stabilizing breath before going on. “I was high and pretty drunk, in no state to watch over a seven-year-old kid. I don’t even remember where he was half the time. I just told him to sit and wait for me.” With his elbows on the railing he drops his head into his hands. Chills shoot out like needles all over my body.

  “My little brother drowned while I was supposed to be taking care of him. While I was probably out there fucking some chick’s brains out, my innocent little brother was fighting for his last breath and wondering how the hell his hero of a big brother could let him down.” His voice cracks and a lump the size of a golf ball forms in my throat. I cover my mouth with both hands as moisture pools in my eyes.

  Oh God.

  Tears stream from my eyes as everything starts clicking into place. It explained why he was so angry that I would risk swimming at the ocean in those tides, why he finds himself spontaneously drawn to the beach and spends most time out here on the balcony watching the waves—most importantly, why he has memorabilia of his brother everywhere.

  “I basically killed my little brother.” He laughs without humor. “How fucked up is that?” His piercing gaze burns through the back of my skull and I shake my head.

  My heart goes out to Chase. How can he possibly think he murdered his brother? Are these the demons that plague him day and, night? I can’t imagine having something like that on my conscience. I wrap my arms around him from behind and squeeze tightly not letting go.

  His voice is rigid and vibrates through me as he goes on. “My mother couldn’t handle the loss of her baby boy, so…she killed herself. Pills were all it took. She blamed me every chance she got while she was still breathing. I knew my dad blamed me too, he just never said the words aloud. When he died of cardiac arrest a few years ago, I fell off the rails for a while. I drank so much I can’t remember half the shit from then. Alex was the only one who rode my ass; constantly giving me shit, begging me to wake up and get my shit together. I finally did, not long after that. I stepped up and ran the bar and grille for my dad, in his memory, almost like he never left. It’s the one thing I refuse to fail at. I need to at least do one thing right in my life.”

  I squeeze my arms around his abdomen even tighter not knowing what to say and not ready to let go.

  “I’m so sorry, Chase. For everything.” My voice shakes as I try to stop the onslaught of tears that are soaking the back of his shirt. He turns around and looks down at me with a pained expression. His blue eyes are now red rimmed. My heart crumbles for this broken man who has lost just as much as I have. He carefully wipes away my tears with the pads of his thumbs–always so gentle with me. Even when his world has crumbled around him, he somehow manages to make sure I’m the one who’s okay. I lean into his touch and my eyes flutter closed, relishing the feel of his hands on me.

  “Now you can understand why I’m no good for you, Aliza. I’m not a good guy. I never was and I never will be,” he says through pain laced words. “What happened to my little brother will forever be on my conscience. It will always be my fault no matter what way I try to spin it. You deserve so much better.” He emphasizes the last words with agonized eyes; like this is the hardest thing he’s ever had to say.

  My heart cracks open and I can’t stand hearing him say anything else. My eyes start to water all over again. I shake my head furiously and reach onto my tippy toes grasping his face in my hands.

  “Listen to me,” I say sternly looking into his pained eyes.

  “You are a good man, Chase,” I profess. “You are one of the best things that has ever happened to me, so don’t you dare pull away from me and say you aren’t good for me, because you are. You’re the best thing for me,” I cry. “Don’t you get it?” I plead through my frustrated tears.

  He tries to slip his head out of my grasp but I hold on tighter, refusing to let go of the one good thing in my life. Mr. Walker’s words flow through my head.

  ‘You have to fight, Aliza. You always have to fight, because the best things in this life are worth fighting for.
’

  “And as for you blaming yourself, you need to stop, Chase.” My eyes plead with him to understand and hear me on this. His jaw clenches and I know he wants to argue.

  “It doesn’t change anything. Beating yourself up for this every single day of your life won’t change a thing. Yeah, you made bad decisions based on your parents’ problems, but you know what – if you were so off the rails, why did they leave Isaac with you?” I prod as I feel my anger rise for what his mother put him through.

  “You were an emotionally wrecked teenager for Christ’s sake! Stop blaming yourself, Chase. Please, stop it,” I cry. His expression is broken and I can tell I still haven’t gotten to him.

  Hear me, Chase, please, hear me.

  I admit the one thing I’ve known for weeks now, and hope this doesn’t all go to hell.

  “I love you, Chase,” I whisper in a fresh bout of tears. “I. Love. You.” I emphasize each word. My lips quiver and I have to bite down on them to control my emotions.

  His blue eyes widen and gloss over immediately. Chase wraps his hands around my head, roughly bringing our mouths together and firmly placing his lips over mine. He kisses me gently yet firmly all at once. I can taste my tears but he overpowers my senses with his breath. He tastes like liquor, and mint; I can’t get enough of him–I never will. My heart soars and I grip the back of his neck tighter, needing more of him. Slowly breaking our kiss, he rests his forehead against mine. His chest expands on a deep inhale.

  “Say it again.” He orders roughly.

  I bite my bottom lip and give him a watery smile. I pull back and look up into the eyes of the man I love. His blues pierce mine with heated possession, it’s a new look, one I haven’t seen directed at me before. Nevertheless, the tingles still blossom and spread throughout my body like an electric current.

  “I love you.” My voice is breathless and I can’t help but smile. Something passes over his eyes briefly before his mouth twitches. He caresses my face lovingly, with both his eyes and hand, before saying the only words I hadn’t realized I needed to hear.

  “God, I love you, Aliza.” He affirms before crushing his mouth over mine in a possessive, all-consuming kiss.

  We embrace each other for a while before he pulls back and searches my expression for something. Then it dawns on me, he’s looking for doubt–do I doubt admitting that I love him?

  With my heart racing in my chest, I grip his large hand firmly in my own before leading him inside the master bedroom from the balcony. I guide him into the center of the large empty room; I slip my hand free out his grasp and watch in delight as his brows furrow in confusion. I saunter back toward the balcony doors and close them. I take a deep breath before pivoting around to face the man of my dreams. He’s still watching me through curious hooded eyes. I’m not even totally sure what I’m doing, I just know I want to take his pain away. My pain away. Our pain away.

  Seeing firsthand the troubled side of Chase makes me love him even more, not because he’s troubled—but like me, he’s lost the people that mean the most to him. He knows what it’s like to fight just to scratch the surface of being happy. All I want to do is ease his pain, so that’s what I try to do. I tentatively grasp the hem of his shirt at my thighs, pulling it up slowly to toss it over my head. Heat rises in his gaze and his eyes trail down my body to my lace bra and underwear. I swallow the lump in my throat as his eyes trail my body. I take shallow rapid breaths as I wait for his eyes to linger on my scar but they never do. It’s almost like what most people would deem an imperfection is invisible to him. His unwavering, possessive gaze glides everywhere but my scar, settling my worries. His blue eyes cast a warm trail down my body causing an ache to form between my thighs.

  One second he’s staring at me heatedly, then the next his mouth is on mine. His lips caress my own in a gentle yet firm manner. My blood rushes loudly in my ears and my heart pounds like a staccato. Every touch and kiss undoes me further. I’m spiraling down into the pleasured haze I always find myself in with him. Chase grips my hips, pulling me flush against his body. His hand trails behind my back and he unclasps my bra with deft fingers. My full breasts hang heavy, yearning for his touch. He licks his lips looking at me through his hooded blue eyes. Bending his head, he swirls his tongue around my nipple until it hardens. He sucks my breast into his mouth, and I throw my head back on a pleasured groan. Tingles spread all over my body with each lick and nibble. My core is throbbing painfully, needing a release. Chase doles out the same torture on my other breast.

  I didn’t even have time to react as my body was moved from one position to the next—gently laid on the hard floor. Chase sheds his clothes slowly, and methodically. His firm body moves over mine and my heart pounds so hard it’s almost painful. He dips his head, his lips trailing a sweet path down my neck, sending bolts of electricity through my body. His hips align with mine, and almost like pieces of a puzzle coming together, he glides inside of me taking my breath away. He moves rhythmically within me, shockwaves of pleasure coursing throughout my body. When his eyes travel back to mine, I lose my breath completely. All the sensations coursing through my body are too much to handle, especially the look on his face. I have the ridiculous urge to cry because of all the emotions building inside of me. Every nerve inside me explodes, spreading fire and sending electricity soaring through my veins. My legs tremble with the force of my orgasm and my body bows off the floor.

  Chasing his own release, he whispers words of heated love and passion in my ear as he finds it. He lays us back slowly, and I watch a satisfied grin stretch across his face. I smile in return, unable to help myself. He lays a soft kiss on my lips before I feel him slide out of me. I wince at the slight sting, and the empty feeling I’m left with when he isn’t inside me. Rolling to the side, I lay my head on his chest and listen to his pounding heart. Aftershocks from my orgasm continue to spasm through my body deliciously. I open my eyes and twist to peek up at a smiling Chase.

  “What are you smiling about?” I arch my brow.

  “I love watching you come. It’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.” He pants with me as I try to catch my breath.

  We lay in each other’s arms not caring in the least that the floor is hard and cold. His breathing is steady, but I know he’s not asleep by his soft caresses. His fingers trail up and down my back lightly nearly putting me to sleep. His other hand traces soft circles on my stomach; I try to hold in my need to laugh. His thumb lightly grazes over my scar, and my heartbeat picks up. He rubs across its length lightly.

  “What’s this from?” His deep voice is raspy vibrating against my head. I bite the inside of my cheek to stop myself from crying. Even with my eyes closed tightly I can still feel them stinging with unshed tears. My heartbeat is like a dull ache against my chest.

  “I think we’ve talked enough for today,” I say meekly, trying to hold in my tears. He blows out a harsh breath not saying anything.

  “I’m just not ready yet,” I whisper, my voice cracking at the end. Chase kisses the top of my head and doesn’t say another word. I lay there against his chest finding it strange that somehow, I found my way to him. He’s the light in my dark life. And I’m starting to feel like I’m the same to him.

  When his breathing starts to even out, I open my eyes, shifting delicately to stare at him. A sliver of light from the moon casts a soft glow on his face making him look peaceful. My mind shifts to his admission tonight, and my heart constricts. This beautiful man holds more demons than I could have ever thought. He holds himself responsible for not saving his brother, just like I do for not saving my family.

  What does that say about us? And what does that say about me for falling in love with a man that is just as screwed up as I am?

  I’m eventually lulled to sleep by all the swimming in my head.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  I wake up the next morning in Chase’s bed. Alone. I survey the room, not hearing any noises indicating that he’s here. Streams of light seep in
through the curtains and cast a warm morning glow throughout the room. I roll onto my side getting a glimpse of the clock that reads 7:30 a.m. in bold red numbers.

  A folded piece of paper on his night stand beside the digital clock catches my attention. I reach for the note in a huff and unfold it, reading over the written message.

  Went for an early run, I’ll be back with breakfast. You’re just as beautiful when you sleep, if not more so.

  My very own angel. Love you, beautiful girl.

  C-

  My heart stutters happily in my chest. I reread the note over and over, and a broad smile spreads across my face. I close my eyes and imagine his deep voice relaying those words back to me. I roll onto my back and stare at the ceiling smiling like a goofy idiot.

  How did I get so lucky? That’s the only question I’ve had for myself lately, and yet, I still don’t have an answer to it.

  I shower and dress quickly, ready to spend the remainder of my day with Chase. I just hope this feeling of bliss between us lasts because I can’t ever imagine not having him in my life. Just as I’m finished sending a text message to Natalia, Chase walks through the door. He smiles down at me, but I notice his smile doesn’t reach his eyes which immediately puts me on edge. I chew on my bottom lip nervously before voicing my concerns.

  “Is something wrong?”

  Chase shakes his head and scrubs a rough hand down his face. “Not at all. I just have a few things I need to do today.” His eyes shift, unable to meet mine.

  “Oh,” is the only thing I manage to say. His eyes finally meet mine. There are so many emotions swirling through them, that I can’t pinpoint what the hell he could possibly be thinking.

  “What do you have to do?” I find myself asking. I shrink into the bed feeling like a complete idiot for voicing my inner thoughts.