by KL Hughes
Table Of Contents
Other books by KL Hughes
Acknowledgments
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
About KL Hughes
Other Books from Ylva Publishing
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Other books by KL Hughes
Popcorn Love
Acknowledgments
I would like to thank my wife for her unwavering, endless support and love. You carry me. You comfort me. You encourage me. You are my heart and my inspiration, and I would not be where I am today without you. You keep me growing.
I would like to thank my incredible team at Ylva for their attentive, meticulous work and the dedication they give to each individual author and book. Thank you for giving queer women and queer stories a platform. Our lives and loves are magical, and our voices should be heard. Our work should be seen.
Thank you to papurrcat for offering your profound talent in bringing my vision to life and creating a cover image that takes my breath away.
And thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to each of my readers for sharing these journeys with me. Thank you for your kind words, support, care, and encouragement, and thank you for sharing your stories with me, your lives and your loves and your hopes and your fears. I hear you. I see you. These works are for you. Be good to yourselves. You are worth it, and I look forward to our next adventure.
Dedication
For those who dare to love in the face of hatred, discrimination, and fear. You are brave. You are beautiful. You matter. Never let anyone make you believe that you don’t. Keep loving. Keep living. Keep on.
Chapter 1
“You look beautiful.”
“You should be sleeping.”
“You’re crying.”
“I’m leaving.”
“I know.”
“Are we sure this is what we want to do?”
“I think it’s what we have to do. It makes the most sense, doesn’t it?”
“Nothing ever made sense until you.”
“You had a valedictorian medal hanging from your rearview mirror and a scholarship when you met me. So some things must have made sense.”
“I’m trying to express my feelings.”
“I’m trying not to fall apart.”
Charlee Parker blinks slowly awake, chest aching and head pounding. She wipes at her blurry eyes and feels the wet press of tears she must have cried in her sleep. Letting out a staggered breath, she glances to the space beside her.
He’s still asleep.
She breathes a sigh of relief before slipping quietly out of bed. Grabbing her robe from the hook on the bathroom door, she pulls it on over her pajama pants and T-shirt and then makes her way through the loft to the kitchen. A soft moan crawls up her throat as she brews a pot of coffee and the aroma washes over her. She drops in a few teaspoons of sugar and carries the coffee with her to the far side of the loft. She won’t be getting any more sleep tonight.
The sectioned-off studio, accessed through a large, red sliding-metal door, is, as always, secured with a padlock. Charlee grabs her key ring from a small hook on the wall. Once the door is unlocked, she slides it open and breathes in the smell of paint, oil, and charcoal. Comforting.
The dream, or rather, the memory, still haunts her, tugging at places inside her that only a pencil or a paintbrush has ever been able to reach. She has to get it out. She fixes her messy blonde hair into a ball on the back of her head and secures it with one of two bands she keeps on her left wrist. Sighing, she drops onto her stool in front of a clean canvas and reaches for a brush.
All her strokes are black or white, mixing into shades of gray—the curves of bare hips, the shadows in the dip of a strong back, the sharp angles of shoulder blades, and the cascades of bed-mussed hair. Sometimes she can still feel the ghosts of those messy curls between her fingers. Sometimes. A thin, yellow glow, peeking through the large paneled windows where fingertips linger and breath fogs, is the only touch of color.
The sound of knuckles rapping against the metal door jars Charlee back to reality, and she wipes quickly at her wet cheeks, no doubt streaking them with paint. Slipping off her stool, she pads to the door, only opening it enough to squeeze through, and then shuts it behind her. No one has seen the inside of her studio in years, not since it was a bedroom.
“Hey.” She glances to the large clock on the far wall. Quarter past four.
“Hey.” Chris’s voice is raspy with sleep. He wraps an arm around her waist and draws her in for a hug that Charlee can’t bring herself to sink into. Not now. Not with that image still seared into her mind. He chuckles and rubs his thumb over her cheek. It comes away gray-streaked in the dim light. “Midnight inspiration again?”
“Yeah. Sorry.”
“No, it’s okay.” He yawns into a kiss he plants on the side of her head. His dark hair has finally grown long enough for him to wear in a small ponytail, and the hanging strands tickle at her cheek as he leans against her. Charlee does her best not to squirm away from the feeling—from him—but the image still flooding her mind makes her stomach lurch, and nothing about this moment feels right. “I just wanted to check. I’m gonna sleep a bit more before I have to get up for work.”
“Okay.” Charlee nods and squeezes his upper arm. “Good night.”
“Night, babe.”
When he shuffles off toward the bed, Charlee heads back inside her studio and leans her back against the door. Cupping a hand over her mouth, she clenches her eyes closed and sucks in sharp breaths to try to keep the sudden flood of tears at bay.
They come anyway.
“So, how does it feel to be back?” Kari asks.
Alex Woodson makes her way down the busy city sidewalk, her girlfriend’s arm slung through hers. A white cloud of fog puffs through her lips as she lets out a heavy breath. “Surreal,” she says, tucking her chin down to protect her neck from the frigid breeze. “It’s been a while.”
“Five years, right?”
“Yes.” Alex glances toward an old bookstore she used to frequent and shakes her head. Somehow it feels both old and new, this place, like a skill she’s learned but forgotten. It comes back quickly but doesn’t quite feel the same as it once did.
“It’s nice, though, right? Being back?”
“It’s cold.”
Kari laughs and tucks more tightly into Alex’s side. “It is.”
They round the corner onto the next block, and an old, familiar scent drifts over, makes Alex’s stomach clench and her eyes water.
“Wow,” Kari says. “Something smells incredible.”
“Pappy’s.”
“What?”
“There’s a pizza place up ahead. Pappy’s Pies.”
“Have you been?”
Alex nods and, for only a moment, she closes her eyes, hears laughter inside her head.
“Alex, I swear to God, if you put hot sauce on my pizza, you’re sleeping on the couch for a week.”
“You wouldn’t last ten minutes before crawling onto the couch with me.”
“I have perseverance, woma
n. I can hack it.”
“Hack your way through the shadows and onto the couch with me, you mean.”
“You’ll see. Put the hot sauce on. Go ahead. I dare you. You’ll see.”
“Alex?”
Kari’s snapping fingers have Alex’s eyes popping open again, and she realizes they have stopped walking.
“What?” She blurts out the word, and Kari’s brow furrows. She doesn’t ask where Alex drifted off to, but Alex can see the question in her chestnut eyes. Ignoring it, she clears her throat and shakes her head. “I’m sorry, Kar. What did you say?”
Kari gives her a gentle smile. “It’s okay. I asked if the place was any good.”
“Pappy’s?”
When Kari nods, Alex’s stomach clenches again, curls in on itself. She loves that place—loved that place—and she’s still never had a slice of pizza superior to Pappy’s. She used to crave it daily after she left Boston, but there is only one Pappy’s. She would kill for a slice right now. But when she opens her mouth, all that comes out is “No.”
“Oh, really? It smells great.”
“Yeah.” Alex clears her throat and tries to swallow the lump growing there. “I never cared for it, though. The sauce… It’s too thick.”
The sauce is perfect. Creamy, not clumpy, and perfectly proportioned.
The memories in that place, though? They’re too thick, too heavy. They’d only taste bitter on her tongue.
Alex isn’t ready to walk through that door. She’s not ready to share Pappy’s with anyone new, anyone else. Will I ever be?
“Christ, this is heavy.” Grunting, Cam loads the final covered canvas onto the dolly. A few bubbles of the protective wrap encasing the painting pop beneath her fingers. Once it’s settled, she wipes her sweaty hands on her grease-stained cargo khakis and uses the bottom of her maroon tank top to wipe her forehead. Her sweatshirt had been abandoned ten minutes into packing and loading. “This has got to be the biggest piece you’ve done in at least a year.”
“I know,” Charlee says. “I almost dropped it when I was bringing it out from the studio.”
“You know you could have left it in there, right? That’s what all my tools and machines are for, so we don’t have to carry things around that are liable to break our backs.”
Charlee uses the sleeve of her shirt to wipe her own brow and gives Cam the same pointed look she always does when her best friend tries to wheedle her way into the studio.
“Yeah, yeah.” Cam holds up her hands. “I know. No one is allowed in your super-secret studio. I’m starting to think you’re keeping bodies in there.”
“Only on canvases.” Charlee laughs when Cam gasps and places a hand over her heart.
“Nailing bodies to canvases? It’s more twisted than I thought!”
“You’re ridiculous.”
“I know.” She nudges the dolly with her toe. “So, what is this piece, anyway?”
Charlee stares at the covered work for a long moment. “Nothing.”
“You might have a hard time selling a giant canvas covered in nothing.” Cam bumps Charlee’s shoulder. “You know I’m the one who builds everything and places all the pieces, right? I’m going to see it at some point, so you might as well tell me. Where’s this one going in the show?”
“It’s the centerpiece.”
“Seriously?” Cam’s eyes widen. “This is the centerpiece? As in the piece you had me build a glass case ‘for extra protection’ for? That’s this piece? This piece you just referred to as ‘nothing’?”
Charlee stares silently at the floor of her loft, scuffing the toe of her boot against the concrete.
“Oh, man,” Cam says after a while, and Charlee can hear it in her voice. She knows.
When Cam’s arm wraps around her back, Charlee sinks into it and rests her head on a bony shoulder. It’s somehow still comforting, despite being uncomfortable.
“It’s been a while since you painted her.”
“Yeah.” Charlee tries not to think about the countless canvases and paper drawings in her studio, the pieces no one knows exist. “It has.”
“Has Chris seen it?”
“No. Would it matter if he did?”
Cam shrugs and lets out a quiet laugh. “He might wonder why you’re painting some chick in your loft instead of him.”
“He knows the female form is my specialty.” Charlee leads Cam over to the small futon couch. Pulling it out, she snaps the back down so it lies flat like a bed, and they crawl onto it, side by side, staring up at the graffitied wall next to it. “It’s practically all I ever paint anymore. Besides, it’s not like he’ll even notice that the background is the loft.”
“True.” Cam tucks her arm under Charlee’s neck and rests the sides of their heads together.
“Maybe I should go back to landscapes.”
“Or naked dudes.”
They tilt just enough to look at each other and then laugh as they both say, “Nah.”
Charlee had tried with male models before, and it hadn’t turned out well. For some reason, she was unable to bring the grace, elegance, and air of seduction to the male form that she had mastered with the female one. Drawing and painting women had always been a passion of hers, and she became known for it as an artist.
Pointing to a large green blob on the wall, Cam says, “You should do stuff like this.” Charlee rolls her eyes. “What? You don’t think your buyers would want paintings of ugly little aliens?” She pokes Charlee’s side. “I can’t believe you never painted over this.”
“Yes, you can.”
“Yeah, I can.” Cam sighs. “That little fucker’s gonna be here forever, isn’t he? Eternally probing that cookie jar for all the world to see.”
Charlee laughs even as her throat grows tight and her eyes begin to sting.
“This is the one.” Her hand dusted over the old kitchen countertop as she stared into the massive great room of the loft, the only separate sections being the bedroom, which was hidden behind a faded red barn-style sliding door, and the single bathroom. The longest wall on the far side was split—part concrete, part paneled windows. Great square panes of glass separated into smaller squares, some with the ability to tilt open. Charlee loved it.
“There’s graffiti on the wall.”
Laughter bubbled through grinning lips as Charlee pushed off the kitchen counter and soon circled her arms around a thin waist from behind. “It’s the one.”
“I repeat: there’s graffiti on the wall.”
“Yeah, of a guy playing a golden saxophone with purple music notes coming out of it.” Charlee pointed at the colorful painting, arms still slung around her lover’s waist. “How cool is that?”
Frizzy, ash-brown hair tickled against her cheek and neck, familiar and comforting, and Charlee breathed in the scent of coconut shampoo. She didn’t care that the landlord stood awkwardly to the side, watching them in silence. Smiling, she nudged her nose against a slender neck and kissed warm skin.
Her girlfriend leaned back against her chest and pointed toward the green glob of paint slathered across the concrete wall on the other side of the musician. “And an alien probing a jar of cookies.”
A loud bark of laughter escaped Charlee. “I don’t think that’s what that is.”
“What else would it be?”
“Literally anything other than that.”
“What if that is what it is?”
“Then I have to be honest, babe—I kind of want it even more.”
“It says, Talk shit, git hit under the window.”
“That’s a good lesson.”
“They spelled it G-I-T, Charlee. Git.”
“It has character.” She tightened her hold around her lover’s waist, drawing sighs from both their lips.
“It needs work.”
“We can d
o that. We can work on it. Together. This is the one.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure. I’m good at knowing these things. I knew you were the one, remember?”
Her girlfriend rolled her forest green eyes even as she smiled and squeezed Charlee’s arm. “Okay. It’s the one.”
Charlee turned, clumsily jerking the girl around with her so they didn’t have to separate, and looked at the landlord. “We’ll take it.”
“You should show me where you lived while you were in college,” Kari calls out from the kitchen, where she is unpacking dishes to put into the cabinets. “Why didn’t I think of that before?”
Although her girlfriend can’t see her, Alex shakes her head. “It’s on the far side of town.” Grunting, she scoots the couch a little farther back from where the movers put it. When it touches the wall, she releases a heavy breath and plops down onto it. “That’s a long walk, and it wasn’t very impressive anyway.”
“You didn’t live on campus?”
“Only during the first year.” Alex tilts her head back against the couch and closes her eyes. They’ve been unpacking things all day, and she’s exhausted. “I moved into a loft the summer before my sophomore year.”
“Oh, I love those old city lofts.” The sound of something shattering echoes from the kitchen, and Alex is about to jump to her feet when Kari calls out to her again. “It’s fine! I’m fine. It was just a coffee mug.”
Alex freezes, heart shooting up into her throat. “Which mug?”
Kari groans. “That one I got from the antique mall we went to when we visited my parents.” Kari loves all things vintage. It had taken Alex a while to get used to, given that her own tastes are much more modern. “The one with the pinup girl cover art.”
Settling back into the couch, Alex tries to get her heart to calm. “I’m sorry, Kar.”
“You know how clumsy I am.” A cabinet closes, the knocking of wood echoing into the living room. “I can probably find another one online. Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh, your loft. Did it have the exposed ductwork and concrete floors? You know I love those.”