Sterling moved into the room, trailing a finger across the desk in the corner. “I won’t stay long. Just have to… find a job. Maybe Tatum and Dorian will let me sleep on their floor for a bit.” He forced a smile as Colby propped himself on his elbows, looking worried. “I’ll be fine,” Sterling said. “Really. This is just temporary.”
“I’ll talk to Liese,” Colby said. “Maybe I can bring her around to you staying two weeks. Hey, your birthday’s coming up, isn’t it?”
Sterling stopped and thought. “Yeah, actually.”
“Perfect,” Colby said. “I’m gonna throw you the best birthday bash ever.”
“Oh God,” Sterling said, cringing. “Please don’t.”
Colby sat up and cocked his head. “The Sterling I know and love was an attention-hog. Where’d he go, and how do I get him back?”
Sterling sat down on the bed beside him, running his hands through his hair. “I’m… I’m just feeling kind of raw, Col. Nothing personal.”
“Are you seeing anyone right now?”
Dark, slanted eyes that saw too much and judged me for none of it. A neatly cropped beard, curly black hair, and teeth that flashed white when he smiled.
“Every time I turn around,” Sterling said.
“Huh?”
“Nothing,” Sterling said, plastering another fake smile on his face. “Not seeing anyone right now.”
Colby was watching him closely. “You think you’ll ever be okay with being openly gay?”
Sterling stiffened. “Can I help with dinner?”
“Sure,” Colby said, accepting the redirection and bouncing to his feet. “How are you at tossing a salad?”
That surprised Sterling into genuine laughter as he stood, making Colby punch the air in victory.
Chapter Seventeen
SANYAM WAS having a bad day. It had started with a couple that had claimed to be experimenting with dominance and submission, and wanted him to show them the ropes. That had been fine—Sanyam genuinely enjoyed showing baby Doms how to take control and teaching them to explore their subs.
But he’d realized quickly that the “Dom” was nothing more than a petty abuser, getting his kicks by hurting his girlfriend, who clearly wanted him to stop but was afraid to safeword.
Sanyam had thrown the man out and dried the woman’s tears as he did his best to explain the difference between dominance and abuse, but she was too worried about her boyfriend’s feelings to listen to him and bolted soon after to find him.
After that, the evening had quickly gone downhill, with several subs wanting things that were hard limits for Sanyam. He hated having to explain why he wouldn’t touch certain kinks, and it rarely went well.
So when there was a timid knock on his door, Sanyam was grumpy. The irritation dissolved immediately at the sight of Eleanor on the other side, though, a hopeful smile on her round face.
Sanyam smiled back, surprised and delighted. “Hello, Eleanor. How are you?”
“I’m doing so great,” Eleanor told him, clutching her purse as Sanyam stepped back to let her in.
“What would you like to do this evening?” Sanyam asked.
“Oh, I’m not here to scene,” Eleanor said earnestly. “I just… I wanted to thank you. Since I saw you last, I’ve signed up for speed dating and I’m going on dates and having fun and I don’t blame myself anymore for my husband leaving me. I know you didn’t ‘fix’ me, but you started me on the path, and I just….” Her eyes filled with tears. “Thank you so much.”
Overwhelmed, Sanyam gathered her into a hug. “I’m so glad,” he said into her hair. It smelled like honeysuckle. “Take care of yourself, won’t you?”
“I will,” Eleanor said as she stepped back and smiled up at him.
Sanyam’s phone buzzed.
“I have to go anyway,” Eleanor said. “Nanette—you remember Nanette? She’s taking me out tonight. We’re celebrating my divorce being finalized.”
She smiled at him again and left, and Sanyam picked up his phone.
Kimi: You might want to get out here.
Sanyam swore and ran for the front. It was the usual cacophony of music so loud it was impossible to be heard over, but there didn’t appear to be any disturbances. He headed for the bar, where Kimi was talking to Delfia, her mouth close to Delfia’s ear.
They both looked up when Sanyam got near, and Kimi dropped a kiss on Delfia’s cheek before turning to him.
“What’s going on?” Sanyam asked over the music.
“Table just seated, far corner,” Kimi said. “One of them is blindfolded—I think it’s a surprise party for him, but he looks like… well, just see for yourself.”
Sanyam turned to look in the direction she indicated. He recognized Colby instantly, the slim girl beside him unfamiliar, but on his other side, Fox’s long throat and perfect jaw were unmistakable even with the blindfold that covered his eyes.
Sanyam watched, unable to look away, as Colby pulled the blindfold off and made a grand gesture, grin stretching his mouth.
Horror flashed over Fox’s face, and he said something.
Colby looked confused and shook his head, asking a question.
Fox slid from the booth in one fluid motion but froze in place when he caught Sanyam’s eyes across the room.
Sanyam moved toward him, winding between the tables as he held Fox’s gaze. Fox seemed trapped, his fingers twitching spasmodically against his leather pants as Sanyam drew steadily nearer.
Sanyam stepped right into his space, bodies almost touching. Fox’s eyes were wide and scared, his lips wet and a flush creeping up his neck.
“I didn’t know,” he said hoarsely.
Sanyam couldn’t stop looking at him. He’d missed Fox more than he’d even realized, the fear and guarded wariness on Fox’s mobile face only serving to make Sanyam ache to touch him, soothe away the pain that was written all over Fox’s slender frame.
“Is there a problem?” Colby asked from behind Fox. “Hey, I know you. You were the guy who kicked Jacks out that time.”
“I’m leaving,” Fox said, tipping his chin up as a hint of defiance crept into his eyes. “I know you don’t want me here. I’m gone.”
Sanyam caught his wrist, Fox’s pulse fast and thready under Sanyam’s fingers. “You’re not going anywhere,” he said below the music, just loud enough for Fox to hear. He glanced at Colby and the strange girl. “I need to speak to Fox alone. Your drinks are on me for the night.”
He turned and pulled Fox through the crowd before Colby could speak, weaving his way around drunken patrons until they were in the back hall.
Fox balked briefly. “What—”
“Privacy,” Sanyam said, not breaking stride. “We have things to talk about.”
He wasn’t holding Fox tightly, and Fox could have pulled away at any time, but instead he followed him into the room and wrapped his arms around his ribs as Sanyam closed the door behind them.
“I didn’t know what Colby had planned,” Fox said when Sanyam turned back to him. “If I’d known, I wouldn’t have—”
Sanyam put a finger to Fox’s lips, drinking in the sight of him. “You look terrible,” he said. Fox had lost weight he couldn’t afford, his cheeks almost hollow and his skin waxen and pale under the warm light of the room.
Fox’s face shuttered and he turned his head away. “I’m fine.”
Sanyam caught his chin and gently pulled his face around. Fox’s lips parted, and he took a shaky breath and swayed into Sanyam’s touch.
“What happened?” Sanyam said.
“I lost—I lost everything,” Fox whispered. “My dad—” To Sanyam’s horror, Fox’s face crumpled, and he jerked away, swiping at his eyes.
“Sofa.” Sanyam pointed. Fox followed him to it and sank onto the cushions, drawing his knees to his chest. Sanyam settled opposite him, carefully not touching. “Tell me,” he said gently.
“My dad was embezzling,” Fox said in a tone so low Sanyam had to lean forward to
hear him. “I—found out. I threatened him—told him I was going to tell everyone. And then he died. We lost the house. The yacht. My apartment. My car.”
“I read about his death and the embezzlement in the papers,” Sanyam said, fighting the impulse to touch Fox’s knee.
Fox stiffened. “If you knew, then why the fuck did you make me say it?”
“Because it’s eating you up inside. I could see that the moment I laid eyes on you,” Sanyam said. “You needed to say it, understand it’s not your fault.”
Fox gave him a scornful look. “I know that.”
“Perhaps with your head,” Sanyam said. “But this is not something cool logic can explain away. Your father did bad things, and you were the one to uncover them. He died shortly thereafter. Of course you blame yourself. Where are you staying?”
Fox closed his eyes. “I was staying with Colby, but his girlfriend doesn’t like me—my two weeks are up tomorrow, and I have to find somewhere else. I told them I had a place. I lied. Dorian and Tatum don’t have room for me—they’re in a studio apartment, and Cricket’s already staying with them. I don’t—” His voice cracked. “I don’t know what to do.”
“You’ll come home with me,” Sanyam said. He hadn’t thought before he spoke, but somehow he knew immediately it was the right thing to say.
Fox jerked upright, his eyes widening. “What? No, I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because… because… I barely know you!”
“Do you trust me?” Sanyam asked.
Fox hesitated and nodded reluctantly.
Sanyam stood and held out his hand. “Stay as long as you need, leave whenever you want, once you’ve found a job and a place. Let me help you, Fox.”
Fox swallowed hard and took his hand, unfolding himself, and followed Sanyam out the door.
THEY CAUGHT a cab quickly, and the ride to his apartment was silent. Fox sent a text and after, kept his hands neatly tucked together in his lap.
“Did you let Colby know?” Sanyam asked.
Fox nodded. “He said to text me your address and he’ll drop my things off tomorrow.” His profile was starkly outlined in the lights they passed beneath, tension evident in his muscles.
Sanyam scooted away to put more room between them and keep Fox from feeling crowded. It worked—Fox relaxed in increments as they rolled through the streets of downtown Vancouver, until they pulled up in front of Sanyam’s building and Fox stiffened again.
“You can leave whenever you want,” Sanyam repeated, holding Fox’s gaze.
Fox nodded again, chewing on his lip, and climbed out of the cab.
Chapter Eighteen
STERLING FOLLOWED Sanyam up the stairs to the apartment. Sanyam was quiet as he unlocked the door and ushered Sterling through, flicking a switch that illuminated running lights set into the floor.
It was a big, open space Sterling stepped into, the kitchen on his right and the living room in front of him stretching out with a view over the waterfront.
From somewhere in the building, tiny feet hit the floor. The cat was meowing before she turned the corner, ears pricked and plumed tail in the air as she welcomed Sanyam, who laughed and bent to scoop her up.
“Hello, my darling. We have a visitor. Fox, this is Polly. Polly, meet Fox.”
Sterling eyed the cat skeptically and made no move to pet her.
“You’re not allergic, are you?” Sanyam asked.
“No idea,” Sterling said. He wandered farther into the room. A long, low couch sat under the window, and Sterling ran a finger along the leather upholstery. “Will I be sleeping here?”
“If you really want to,” Sanyam said, amusement in his voice as he set Polly down and put a kettle on the stove. “But I thought perhaps you’d prefer my guest bedroom. Do you drink tea?”
Sterling shrugged. His nerves were besting him, making him uneasy and off-balance, and he couldn’t figure out what to do with his hands. Finally he shoved them into his pockets and hunched his shoulders.
“Have a seat,” Sanyam said without looking. His long fingers were quick and deft as he put teabags in cups and got out milk and sugar from the fridge. “I hope you like PG tips.” He poured the water over the bags and set the cups on a tray before carrying it to the coffee table and setting it down.
“Don’t know what those are,” Sterling admitted as he accepted a cup.
Sanyam feigned shock. “Haven’t you ever been to England?”
“Sure.” Sterling shrugged. “Mostly it was just layovers on our way to Europe. Dad didn’t like the weather.” He set the cup down, and sympathy flashed across Sanyam’s face.
“Do you want to tell me more about how he died?” he asked quietly.
“Car crash,” Sterling said, glancing up. “He—was upset. My fault. He rear-ended a semi, died instantly.”
Sanyam made an abortive gesture, as if he wanted to touch Sterling’s hand, but checked himself. Polly hopped up into his lap and curled into a tight donut, purring so loudly Sterling could hear her, and Sanyam stroked her back absently, eyes on Sterling’s.
“You said Cricket was with Dorian, yes?”
Sterling nodded.
“And your mother? Where is she?”
Sterling lifted a shoulder. “I didn’t stop to ask, to be honest, after what she said to me at the reading of the will. I think she’s with some friends until the estate gets settled.” Grief prickled his eyelids again, and he blinked viciously until it receded.
“May I ask what she said?”
This is your fault anyway. I can’t believe you did this. We were doing fine, and you went and rocked the boat. How could you?
“The truth,” Sterling said.
Sanyam looked sad and Sterling wanted to snarl.
“Don’t,” he said.
“Don’t what?”
Sterling pushed himself to his feet and took two long strides away, putting distance between them. “Don’t pity me,” he hissed, clenching his fists.
Sanyam didn’t move, still stroking Polly’s small frame. “But I don’t. I’m sorry you suffered this catastrophic loss, Fox, of course I am. But you are not and never have been an object of pity.”
“Why am I here?” Sterling demanded. “You—we had sex a few times. You don’t even like me. Why would you invite me into your home like this?”
Sanyam dislodged Polly, who protested loudly, and stood up fast. Sterling flinched backward, but Sanyam was on him before he could move, crowding right up into his space as he snaked an arm around Sterling’s waist to keep him still.
“I have never said I didn’t like you,” Sanyam said. His breath was warm and sweet on Sterling’s face, his arm an iron bar holding him where he was. Sterling went limp, his brain fuzzing.
“Do you think I scene with people I don’t like?” Sanyam continued. “That I have sex with people I don’t like?” He leaned in and brushed the tip of his nose along Sterling’s cheek. “Trust me, kit, you infuriate me, you annoy me, you do any number of things that make me ache to punish you, and I like you very much.”
Sterling fought the whimper that wanted to slip from his mouth. He turned his head just enough to catch Sanyam’s lips, tongues meeting in a soft, wet slide. Sanyam tasted like black tea and cinnamon, and Sterling could have stayed there forever. But with an iron force of will, he managed to tear himself away.
“Is that—” He stopped and swallowed. “Is that how I’m paying my rent?”
Sanyam let go so fast Sterling nearly went down. He caught himself as Sanyam took a step back, eyes angry.
“There it is,” he said, running his hands through his hair. “You can’t make anything easy, can you?” He sighed and the anger in his eyes faded to something closer to exasperation. “I want you, Fox, of course I do. I’ve never pretended otherwise. But you are under no obligation to me. If you choose to stay in my home, I will not ask anything of you but perhaps your friendship. I am lonely, and whatever you believe of yourself, I enjoy your comp
any.” He smiled, tilting his head. “And if you choose to come to my bed, well… that will be your choice as well.”
Sterling floundered, unsure what to say, and Sanyam’s eyes softened.
“It’s late, and I’m tired,” he said. “Let me show you where you’ll be sleeping.”
Sterling followed him silently down the hall to the guest bedroom. It was small and cozy, looking out over the alley.
“I took the room with the waterfront view,” Sanyam said, eyes creased with amusement. “But you should be comfortable here nonetheless.”
Sterling wrapped his arms around his ribs, feeling suddenly lost. “I—” He took a deep breath. “San, I need to—” How did he apologize for the horrible things he’d said last time they were together? How could he? Why had Sanyam even let him back into his life after the way Sterling had treated him?
His breathing shortened, and he squeezed his eyes shut, helpless to stop the panic clogging his throat. “I’m sorry,” he blurted. The words burned his mouth, acrid and bitter, and he opened his eyes to Sanyam regarding him sympathetically.
“For what?”
Sterling groped for words. “For—everything, I guess. But… for what I said to you. That… time. I was angry and hurt and I didn’t mean—”
Sanyam moved closer and traced the line of Sterling’s jaw. “It’s forgotten,” he said quietly, and fitted their lips together.
It was slow and sweet, no expectations or urgency to it, and Sterling allowed himself to melt against Sanyam’s frame with a shaky breath. Sanyam held him still, hands on Sterling’s shoulders, but finally drew away, bringing a hand up to thumb Sterling’s dimple.
“I’m just across the hall,” he said. “Help yourself to anything in the refrigerator. Cook if you like. Treat this like it’s your home. All I ask is that you pick up after yourself. The bathroom is down the hall on your left. Good night, Fox.”
He left, leaving the door cracked behind him, and Sterling sat down on the bed. After a minute, he tilted sideways until his head was on the pillow. It smelled like laundry detergent and crisp linen, and he drew a deep, comforting breath.
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