by Holt,Debra
“I saw Jeb and Clairee today at the hospital,” Trace spoke, finally breaking the silence. “Clairee said to give you their love.”
Coming from him, the word love caused an immediate flashback to the time when his saying it had meant the world to her and made her feel like the luckiest girl alive—right up until the day he’d left her. The simple utterance scorched her insides, even as her earlier declaration that she was over him mocked her, extinguishing the flame and leaving nothing but a cold pit within. Her eyes stayed on the ice in her glass.
“How is Jeb doing?”
“He’s getting better; he’s back to his ornery self again. The nurse said they plan to discharge him tomorrow afternoon. Clairee will have her work cut out for her, trying to keep him settled and following doctor’s orders.”
Macy couldn’t help but match Trace’s half smile at the thought of Clairee corralling her stubborn husband.
“She also invited me to their wedding shindig. Said I should bring you too … since we live on the same road and all. How about it? Want to save gas and go together?” His turned his green gaze her way.
“Are you serious?” Macy blurted. “Us? Go together? Can you imagine the talk of the town on that one? What nonsense got into Clairee’s head?”
He laughed, set his glass on the floor beside him, and turned back to her. “Yes … on all counts. But I am serious. We should go together. And since when do you care what anyone else thinks?”
Macy faced him with her own level blue gaze. “Since I endured months of being at the center of this town’s gossip and pity before I grew up and got a second layer of skin. I don’t care to be center stage anymore. That’s what would happen if you and I were to be seen anywhere together as a couple.”
“I’m not talking a date—just two acquaintances attending the same event. We don’t even have to dance together. Unless you care to take pity on me.” His tone changed, trying to lift the serious edge off the moment. “I know you’ve built a life for yourself here that’s good and makes you happy. I don’t want my coming back here to in any way detract from that or cause you any upset, but we’re both going to have to exist in this same small town, and it seems to make sense that we try to get past what happened when we were younger and … well, I’m going to quit there before I stick my boot into something else.”
Was he chalking up all that happened between them to youth and immaturity? But it was the same way his brother and her grandmother had explained it at the time. Well, she might have been young, but she had loved Trace Cartwright with her whole being and had wanted to be his wife all the rest of her days. That had not been immaturity … foolishness, yes, but she had known her heart even at that age. One part of what he said had made sense, though.
“You’re right when you say we have to live in the same town. As long as you’re here, we do need to act like adults and get on with our lives. The past is just that. It’s past—never to be repeated.”
“You know, good things can come from the past sometimes,” he began tentatively. “It makes people stronger; it can make them better people; it can also teach them lessons they might not have otherwise learned.”
Macy watched his profile as he spoke. She had forgotten what a good, strong face he had. Yes, it was gorgeous and all that, but it, like everything else about him, had matured in the years gone by. His gaze was steadier too, as though he looked down a long road and gave measure to whatever might be coming his way. It gave her pause to reflect and weigh his words.
“Sounds like you’re speaking from personal experience.”
One corner of his mouth lifted in a self-derisive smile. “I suppose I am. A man can do a lot of soul searching in ten years … and a whole lot of growing up. Look, Macy, I don’t know how to put this, but … trust me when I say that, what I’m about to say … by no means is anything against you or the feelings we had for each other.”
Oh Lord. Give me strength to sit here and listen and not want to either knock his head off or burst into tears … or both. Macy rested her glass on the step beside her, then nodded her head and wrapped her arms around her knees. She kept her gaze away from his.
“I was an arrogant, egotistical kid back then. I lived in the moment. I had a talent for riding broncs and got caught up in all that adrenaline and the spotlight and the fans. The lights were so bright that they blinded me to what mattered. I guess I thought in the back of my mind that everything and everyone would—I don’t know, stay on hold for me? I thought I could have it all, and then when I was ready, everything would still be waiting for me right here at home. I was wrong to think like that. In my need to please myself, I didn’t think about anyone else. I let my family down … I left Travis holding everything here together. I made his and Annie’s lives tougher by not pulling my fair share.” He paused, running a hand absently through the thick, dark hair on his head.
“And then there was you. Walking away from you and all the plans we’d made—that was the hardest part of all. I told myself that I was doing it for both of us. I’d make my fame and fortune—my fortune, not one handed down to me as my birthright, being a Cartwright. Then I could give you everything I wanted you to have. A big house and pretty things and fancy trips. All the things you deserved to have. I wanted to give them to you myself with money I had made on my own. I figured you loved me and would understand—after all, I planned to come back after completing the circuit the first year. I thought that’s all it would take to be the best.” He laughed mirthlessly. “Another example of my youthful hubris. It took a little longer than that … three more years to be exact. By then, I had grown up a little. I discovered it wasn’t as easy as I planned it. Sure, I won more than I lost. But the time got away from me, and then one day, I knew I had waited too long to come back. I’d grown up enough to be ashamed of what I had done to you and to my family. And I figured you were better off without me. I certainly didn’t deserve someone like you.”
So many conflicting emotions roiled within Macy as she tried to wrap her head around the things he was saying. A long pause gave her the impetus to speak.
“You said you did it in order to give me things … the house and trips and all. Why would you think I wanted all that? Did I ever once talk about those things when we were together? All I said was that I wanted our own home. Period. I didn’t care what that would be. I wanted a family to fill it, and I wanted to grow old right here in Cartwright’s Crossing with you. No. You didn’t do this for me.” Conviction brought an edge to her voice as she leveled her eyes on him. “You did it all for you. I was simply a convenient excuse.”
Trace absorbed her words and then took a deep breath as he met her gaze with his steady one. “You’re right. And I had to deal with that before I could realize that I was searching for something that was here in this town all along. The places I traveled were all exciting the first couple of times—but by the sixth or seventh time, not so much. There were always people willing to be my friends, but only as long as they could stand in my spotlight. Then something happened one night, and I realized it was a wake-up call … and a second chance to get things right.”
“And what happened to bring about this sudden epiphany?”
Trace didn’t reply immediately. He looked like he was wishing he’d never mentioned the subject. She was about to tell him to forget it, when he finally spoke.
“It wasn’t an epiphany. It was cold, hard reality. I met a guy on the circuit the third year out. David Barnett. He rode bulls. We got along well, and he liked to have a good time. So we sort of fell into a habit … a bad one. We traveled together on the circuit for the next few years. We’d ride hard and then move on … never looking back. One night, David tied one on pretty good. We were supposed to leave right after my last ride, but he was clearly not in any shape to drive. He wanted to stay another night—something to do with a blonde he’d met at the matinee autograph session. Anyway, I was in a mood … another bad ride, low points. I decided to teach him a lesson, so I left
him to find a ride on his own. He got the girl he was partying with to drive him to the next rodeo … except they never made it. She was driving under the influence and ended up crossing the median into oncoming traffic. She didn’t make it, and David was paralyzed … he’s in a wheelchair now. His career’s done; all his plans are over. When I heard what happened, it hit me hard. I saw him in the hospital and knew what his mother and dad were facing in caring for him the rest of their lives.”
“Surely you know what happened to him wasn’t your fault.”
Trace gave her a quiet, thoughtful look and then slowly shook his head. “At the time, I owned it all. Everything I had ever done to anyone in my life … Travis, Annie, David … you. I had blazed quite a trail of broken hearts, promises, lies … you name it. I was a lost and poor excuse for a human being. I walked out of that hospital room and directly ahead of me was the chapel. I didn’t know why at the time, but I headed there where it was dark and quiet and I wouldn’t have to talk to anyone … wouldn’t have to face any more people I had hurt.
“I was alone … and then I wasn’t.” He glanced over at her and then away. “I’m not good at talking about this part of things, but I need to explain. For the first time, I felt like I could see everything in my life up to that point so very clearly … like I was looking through a magnifying glass. I could see my vanity, my arrogance, my insecurities, and how lost I’d been for so long. I’d never felt so alone. I got down on my knees and I put together a prayer. I laid it all out. Then I felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time … like, a calming peace settled around me. It shook me.
“I’m not one of those people who proclaim they had a vision or a conversation with God, but I knew I wasn’t alone any longer in that small chapel. And it was okay. I knew I needed to follow my heart, and my heart was saying one word … home. And home was where all the people I loved were, but I had treated you all so badly. Somehow I needed to make things right. Some of them I will … and some maybe I never will. But I had to … I have to try.
“I’m not the same kid I was when I left. I grew up. I ran from things I couldn’t handle back then. I wanted to measure up to Travis, but I did it all the wrong way. I wanted to give you everything in the world you deserved, and … and then I realized it was really all about my shortcomings. You got caught in the middle. Above all, I finally knew what home was really all about. The only people who cared about me were right here in Cartwright’s Crossing.
“Once I realized that everything I searched for was what I had left, then I knew it was time to come home. But first, I needed to make sure David would be okay. I helped get things ready for a wheelchair on his parents’ farm. Then they were shorthanded, so I worked almost a year for them until they could get a couple good ranch hands on board. Once that was done, I headed back here. It’s time to make amends to my family, and to show them I can stand on my own two feet. And I know the hardest part will be to find a way to apologize to you for taking all the love you gave me so trustingly and then hurting you beyond words.”
By the time he finished, Macy had no words left. He’d opened up to her and laid out so much that she’d need some time to take it in. She couldn’t do it all right at that second. She responded to what she could.
“Yes, you took my heart and my trust, and you crushed them both. I grew up too, thanks to you. I know real love will come to me one day, and it won’t break my heart when it does. The trust issue is harder. I’m still working on that.” She picked up her empty glass and stood. He did the same, although more slowly.
“I figured out a while ago, Trace, that your leaving was partially my fault.” She couldn’t let the look of surprise on his face stop her. She needed to say what lay on her heart. “I was too young and naive. We both were. Someone like you would never have been satisfied for long with a plain country girl like me. Especially once you had all those shiny buckle bunnies throwing themselves at you every night. I never would have been able to compete with all that, and it would have driven us apart. For me, it would have been enough to follow you from town to town … for a while. Until the urge to stay in one place, set roots, and have children—well, it wouldn’t have worked very well.
“It took me a while to figure that out, but when I did, then I could finally find myself again. I stopped being that poor little Macy that everyone pitied, and I took control of my life for the first time. So I guess you actually did me a big favor. And that is how we will coexist in this small town for however long you stay here. We both grew up. We had to take separate roads to get to where we are today. We’re different people now. We’ve learned some invaluable lessons from our past that, hopefully, will keep us from repeating those mistakes in the future.”
She took his empty glass from his hand and went inside, closing the door behind her.
Trace stood staring at the door for quite some time after she left him. Her words had gutted him as surely as if she had taken a sharp knife to him. She was right when she said Macy Donovan had grown up. Not only had she grown into a wise woman, she had outgrown him. He’d said he had left things too long in coming back, and the words couldn’t be truer. But what he hadn’t expressed was the hope deep inside his heart that spurred him forward—the hope that she might forgive him and he could find a way to her heart again. Until this moment, he hadn’t allowed himself to consider that it might not be a possibility. Macy’s heart had healed and was beyond his grasp. She could be civil to him and coexist in the same community with him, but he would never have her trust again. She’d made that point very plain. She had moved on. As for him, he knew with gut-wrenching finality that she was and always would be his future … and he was her past.
Chapter 6
“Who died?” Annie’s voice surprised Trace, and his eyes jumped to hers. He rose from his seat at the kitchen table and found himself with two arms wrapped around his neck. She stood on tiptoe and planted a smacking kiss on his cheek.
“What do you mean, little sister?”
“I mean, I watched you sitting here with your chin almost to the floor, stirring that cup of coffee at least a dozen times … except you haven’t added any cream yet. What’s got you so tied up? Or should I ask who?” She stepped back and eyed him, a fine brow raised in a knowing arch. With a grin, she lifted a slice of bacon from his plate, broke off a piece, and popped it into her mouth.
“None of your business, and why are you here? I thought you were too busy in the big-city vet practice to be bothered with us country bumpkins?” Trace sat back down and picked up his fork. Annie slid into the chair next to him.
“I’m on my way to a conference in San Antonio, so I thought I’d pop in, surprise you, and see what’s going on at the old homestead … take care of a little business in town. I have to come here since no one gives me updates when I call them.”
“Travis has never been that chatty—why are you surprised?”
“It’s not just him. I can’t get much out of Macy either. Or you.”
“What about me? I told you, I have nothing to share with you.”
“Hmmm … now that’s interesting. That’s almost exactly what Macy told me a little while ago. Have you two been rehearsing your lines together?”
“It’s not a line, and we don’t do much talking, so that leaves rehearsing out.” There wasn’t much left to say since their talk a week ago when he’d practically bared his whole soul to her … except for the part where she would always be the woman he loved.
“Really?” Annie perked up. “If you don’t talk, then what else do you two do?”
“Knock it off, Annie.” He stood and took his empty plate and utensils to the sink. He kept his back to her as he rinsed and fit them into the already full dishwasher. “Macy doesn’t have any feelings for me—at least not the romantic kind. She might like to see me on a fast train out of here … and that’s being charitable on how she really feels.”
Annie was silent. Maybe she’d take the hint and give up on the subject. Wrong.
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br /> “Are you sure about that? Maybe you two have some unfinished business … maybe some romantic sparks still burning?”
Trace hit the power button on the dishwasher and turned to face her. “She basically told me so to my face. She’s put me into the past and moved on.”
“I see. What about you? Do you want her to still have those feelings? After all the years and the fact you walked away from her—did you have a change of heart?”
What did he have to lose by being honest with his sister? If anything, it might get her to shut up on the subject faster. “I didn’t have a change of heart. Ever. My heart never changed. I’ve been in love with Macy since the moment I saw her the night you asked me to give her that message for you at the rodeo. I’ll even admit she’s the main reason I came home to stay this time. Only it appears I left it too late. I can’t blame her. It is what it is.”
“Oh, stop it! I can’t stand that saying—it is what it is. It only is if you let it be that way. I’ve never known you to be a quitter. Guess you learned that in your time away from here.”
“I’m not a quitter. But I have become more of a realist. She wants no part of a future with me, Annie. Leave it alone.” He moved toward the back door, but she stepped in front of him, hands on her hips, a green Cartwright glare leveled on him.
“I was here, remember? I know how much Macy loved you. You weren’t just in her heart … you were her heart. She can say all the words she wants, but the heart has a mind of its own. She might find her way back to you if you light the way. A woman has to be able to trust the man she loves, Trace. She did, but you did a bang-up job of demolishing that. If you want her back, you’ll have to rebuild a lot, but the foundation is still there. You’ll have to dig through the rubble to find it, but I know you can do it. If you’re even half the man I think you are, you can. I do have one thing to say, though.” She took a deep breath.