When I reached the clearing at the end and burst out from under the canopy the water tower came into view, bathed in the full moon’s light. I knew where I was going. Last time I was up there I was trying to end it all.
This time I had no fucking clue what was in store for me.
But I was determined to find out.
PREPPY
For the first time in forever I was outside in the crisp clean night air in the town I’d lived in and loved my entire life. The sky above me was cloudless and littered with a million twinkling stars.
It was the usual 80-plus degrees. Hot as fuck, but with a cool breeze rolling off the bay waters, taming down the humidity that always threatened to make your shirt stick to your skin in South Florida.
It was a beautiful night. Perfect in every single fucking way.
The kind of day that people up north only dreamed of.
It was a tropical paradise some wait their entire lives to experience.
And I fucking hated it.
ALL. OF. IT.
It was too fucking bright even though it was night. The moon too fucking high. The sky too cloudless. The air too clean.
I’m pretty sure there is a special place in hell for people that cursed a beautiful night like that one.
Didn’t matter to me. I’d already been there.
Even the chirping birds flying overhead seemed so loud that at one point when I’d been climbing up the tower I had to cover my ear with one of my hands thinking that I was under attack. It was like sitting in a surround sound theater and having seats next to the speaker during a screening of Alfred Hitchcock’s, The Birds.
The familiar light scent of saltwater wafted into the air. I used to inhale it like a drug that could get me high, but now it made my stomach roll and lurch to the point where I had to clutch my stomach to prevent the rising bile in my throat from spewing out, all because of the stench determined to invade all my senses.
The world I came back to was a spinning ferris wheel of sounds and light, assaulting me at every turn and I was helpless to make it stop, when all I wanted was to get off the fucking ride I never signed up to be on.
Logan’s Beach used to be my place. My security blanket. But coming out of the dark and into the blinding light I’d been craving for so fucking long wasn’t at all what I thought it would be.
It was a new kind of hell.
I was finally home, and all I wanted was a piece of normality. Well, normal for me. But being there, looking down at the only town that had ever been home to me, I felt anything but normal.
And anything but at home.
It was right then. In that very moment. While inhaling the clean air I once thrived on that now made me want to vomit. While listening to the familiar sounds that used to give me peace, but now echoed through my brain like jack hammers on pavement. It was right then I knew I would never find the kind of normal I used to know. The peace I once had.
Not there.
Never again.
My only hope was to find a new kind of normal, but to me that thought was scarier than any kind of torture I’d faced at the hands of Chop.
Which might explain why I’d sought her out.
Although the truth was I had no idea why I went to see her. Fuck, I didn’t even know if she’d be there. But once the shock of Grace’s death started to set in I remembered that Doe said Dre had been at the house and it kept playing those words over and over again in my head on repeat.
By the time I realized what I was doing I’d already snuck out in the middle of the night like some kid breaking curfew. Remembering that the window over the kitchen sink had a broken lock it wasn’t too hard to shimmy the window open and crawl inside.
The house was dark. Quiet.
Empty.
Yet the second my feet hit the floor I knew she was there.
I FELT her.
All the doors in the hall were shut except for the room at the end the one that used to be the grow room. It was open but just a crack. Just enough to see the back of her head poking out of a sleeping bag along the wall beneath the back window. I wanted to see more of her so I’d opened the door slowly and was about to step into the room when she sighed heavily. That’s when I realized she was awake. Slowly I stepped back out of the room until I was in the safety of the kitchen. I pulled myself up on the counter and crawled out the window I’d came.
I was on the porch about to leave when I saw motion in the corner of my eye. That’s when I turned and saw her for the first time in what seemed like a lifetime.
I don’t know what I expected if and when I ever saw her again. But I certainly didn’t expect to feel like all the wind was stolen from my lungs.
She wore a plain white t-shirt just long enough to make me wonder if she was wearing shorts underneath, the hem brushing the tops of her thighs as she walked. Her shiny black hair was pulled into a high ponytail on top of her head. Against the moonlight it looked so dark it appeared almost blue, like the feathers of a black bird. I’d never seen her wear glasses before but she wore thick dark frames around her dark eyelashes that she pushed up the bridge of her nose as she shuffled into the kitchen.
I couldn’t move. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything but wonder again why the fuck I was even there in the first place and stand there like an asshole, gawking at the most beautiful fucking girl I’d ever seen. Even more beautiful than I remembered. More EVERYTHING than I remembered.
A flash of lightning in the sky caught her attention and that’s when her attention shifted to the door and she spotted me. Our eyes locked. My aching heart pounded against my chest and my every instinct screamed, go to her.
And I was going to. My brain had already sent the message to my leg to move and take that first step and I was about to when a flash of lightening interrupted my thought and instead I turned and darted back the way I came. Over the fence and through the woods when I realized that I couldn’t.
I wanted to. I wanted to with every fiber of my white trash being.
I just fucking COULDN’T.
That’s when my feet moved on their own accord and I found myself perched on top of the world I once conquered, wondering if I’d ever feel normal again when the platform rattled.
My neck snapped to the ladder that shook as if someone were climbing it. A set of feminine hands appeared, reaching up and gripping the handrail. It wasn’t until she was fully up on the platform, dusting herself off. Her dark hair blowing all around her face that she finally spoke. “You know, if you’re looking for a place to jump from, someone once told me that The Causeway has a mostly five-star rating on Yelp for best places in Logan’s Beach to end it all.”
CHAPTER SIX
DRE
“Doc,” Preppy acknowledged. I knew he was there yet nothing could’ve prepared me for the impact of hearing his voice again. It hit me like an unexpected left hook, knocking me off my center of balance. I stumbled, grabbing on to the rusted railing in an attempt to make it look if it were the height causing my unsteadiness.
“Preppy,” I replied, clearing my throat when my voice came out scratchy and high pitched like a prepubescent boy.
There was no mistaking his sharp intake of breath.
“I heard you were dead. They had a funeral for you and everything you know,” I said.
“I was never really a rule follower.”
“You were never a law follower either but I never expected you to not listen to the laws of nature. You know. Life and death and all that. Most people don’t come back from that.”
“I’m not most people.”
“That I know.”
Preppy was sitting on the ledge on the far side, cloaked in the shadow of the tower. I could only make out the outline of his frame. There was a click of a lighter, the glowing flame hidden by his hand as he lit a cigarette and snapped the lighter shut.
“I heard the Causeway is a total tourist trap now,” he said, responding to my earlier statement. “I heard everyone offs themselve
s there. It’s too trendy. Every hipster from here to Miami is throwing themselves off that thing. I don’t know if you know this about me, but I’ve never been much of a crowd follower.”
“I think I might have heard that somewhere,” I replied. I took a step toward him.
“No, Doc. Stay there,” he demanded, the seriousness in his voice froze my foot mid-step. I lowered it back to the platform and was about to ask him why when he plead softly, “Please.”
Not knowing where else to go I stepped over to the railing, stopping at the same spot where things could have turned out so much differently for me. I looked over the railing at the ground below.
“Long way down,” Preppy pointed out.
“Would’ve been,” I agreed, “but I never found out thanks to this guy who didn’t want me haunting his precious tower.” When I lifted my head I felt suddenly dizzy and had to close my eyes and take a deep breath, tilting my chin up to the bright moon and swaying on my feet.
“Steady there, Doc,” Preppy said, his voice smooth, warming over me like a much needed blanket. “I didn’t do shit. I followed the girl who stole from Mirna and by the time I got up here I saw a naked chick and wanted to touch her before she went splat. That’s all that was.” Preppy adjusted his position, his clothes rustling against the tower. “How is Mirna?”
“She passed. Six months ago,” I said. “She held on for a really long time, longer than most hang on with her kind of dementia. Funny thing was that when she died she hadn’t been herself in so long, that in a way I was relieved.”
“Sorry. For an old chick, she was a pretty fucking great one,” Preppy said.
I thought about the way she forgave me after I stole from her. Gave me a place to stay. Gave me the benefit of the doubt when I didn’t deserve it. “Yeah, yeah she was.” I cleared my throat in an attempt to keep the tears at bay. “For never thinking I’d talk to you again; this is...”
“Fucking weird,” Preppy inserted.
“Yeah,” I agreed. “I was going to say amazing, but weird works too.” I wrung my hands together and bit the inside of my lip.
“Amazing is just weird’s older more mature sibling,” Preppy pointed out.
I looked to the sky. “I had this list of things in my head. A list of things I would say to you if I ever had the chance again and now...”
“And now?” Preppy asked, like he wanted to know how that sentence ended.
“And right now I can’t think of a single one of those things,” I admitted.
“The weather,” he said, suddenly.
“What?” I turned toward the shadowy corner, wishing I could see his face again.
“When people don’t know what to say to one another they talk about the weather right? So.... shit’s kind of hot tonight.” A line of silver smoke from his exhale billowed into the air, grey smoke on top of black shadows.
I swallowed hard. “Yeah, it’s hot,” I said. “But if you want to talk news and current events I’ve heard there is a stalker out on the loose in Logan’s Beach. He stands on back porches and glares into the windows of unassuming women.”
“I think I heard that too. But it was just the window of one unassuming woman. And he’s not a stalker.”
“No?”
“More like a peeping tom.”
I laughed and stepped toward him again, I could feel the argument on his lips, but before he could speak I sat down just outside of the dark space, only a foot or so away with my back against the tower next to a white tarp that was littered with buckets and brushes, smelling like fresh paint. “Why did you come to see me?”
“Why did you come to see me?” was his immediate reply. We were both quiet, probably because neither one of us could answer that question simply. “It’s quiet here,” he added.
“Yeah, it is.”
“Since I’ve been home everything seems so fucking loud,” he lamented.
“Preppy, what happened to y...”
He cut me off before I could finish. “No, Doc. Not now. Not today. Probably not fucking ever.” I looked over and saw the burning red glow of the cherry burn brighter as he inhaled, wishing it was just a bit brighter so I could catch a glimpse of the lips attached to end of that cigarette.
He must have been looking at me too. “I like your glasses,” he said.
“Thanks,” I said, pushing them up on my nose. “My vision had been a little blurry for years. I always thought it was because of the heroin, or maybe that’s just why I didn’t care. It wasn’t until after I got clean and it didn’t get any better that I went and got my eyes checked. I was still in shock when they told me it wasn’t the heroin after all. It was just me.” I laughed nervously. “Guess you’re probably surprised I managed to stay clean after all this time.”
“No, I always knew you’d kick that shit,” Preppy said, the confidence in his voice taking me by surprise. He took a deep breath. “Doc, I have to say this. Four years ago...”
“Preppy, no. You don’t have to,” I interrupted. “You’re not obligated to say anything about what happened back then. It was so long ago. It’s all been long forgotten,” I lied.
“Fours years ago,” he started again, with more determination. “I was a complete shit to you. Thought about it a lot since then. Thought I could just push you away instead of dealing with how mixed up I was feeling. I just wanted to send it all to the back of my brain and keep it there.” He laughed like he couldn’t believe his own words. “For years I thought I was such a badass because you leaving didn’t affect me like it ought to of. Truth is that it did. A fucking lot. I just didn’t let it show, and for some stupid reason in my mind I thought that it was the same as not affecting me. It only took being mostly alone in the dark for months on end to realize how fucking ridiculous that really was.”
What the fuck happened to you, Preppy?
“I thought that way for a long time too,” I admitted. “And that’s one of the reasons I’m here. In town. For closure. I’ve made so many mistakes. So freaking many.”
“Did you find it?” Preppy asked. “Your closure?
I looked over to the dark corner and felt his eyes on me when I whispered, “Not even close.” I pressed my teeth against my lower lip. I sighed and let my head fall back against the water tower.
“Why not?” Preppy asked.
I looked up at the perfect cloudless night sky and the thousands of twinkling stars overhead. I closed my eyes tightly. “Because I found you instead.”
A pair of squawking black birds chose that moment to practically fall from the night sky, tangled up with one another. My eyes shot open to the scene playing out in front of us. The birds would separate briefly, only to fly another few feet before colliding together again, talons extended, beaks pecking away at the other. The occasional feather floated down onto the platform. The pair traded blow for blow as they rose and fell in the air like a carnival ride. “You think they’re fighting or fucking?” I asked, not realizing I’d spoken the words out loud until it was too late.
The mood between us turned more serious. Even the crickets must have realized the shift in energy because it was as if they’d sensed it and stopped chirping so they could listen in. “I think you and I both know you can be doing both at the same time.” His words took me right back to when Bear became a tool in our battle of ‘who could make each other feel worse’.
If there was a winner, it sure as shit hadn’t been me.
“Who knew that sex could be the ultimate weapon of mass destruction?” I asked, followed by a nervous laugh. I reached for the ends of the sleeves I wasn’t wearing so I could pull them down over my hands. I could feel his eyes on me, watching my every move. I shifted left and right, already feeling the indentations of the diamond plated metal platform taking shape on my butt cheeks. “So... more weather then?” I asked, needing to break the tension that was winding tighter and tighter in the space between us before it broke.
“More anything else,” Preppy replied, sounding both relieved an
d saddened.
“Learn anything new since you’ve been...” I hesitated, not knowing what word to use. “Back?”
“Well,” Preppy started. “King and his girl got a bunch of kids now. They rebuilt the garage because there was some sort of catastrophic event that they won’t tell me about. But then again they aren’t really telling me shit these days. Bear is hiding from me for some reason. My room is now bubblegum pink and is being occupied by a six year old who likes to come in my room and stare at me while I sleep.” He paused. “And Grace died.”
“I’m so sorry,” I said, reaching my hand out to comfort him only to be met with the cold metal of the tower when he skidded back out of reach. I retracted my hand and pulled my knees into my chest.
“Forget the weather. Maybe tell me something funny. Tell me a joke, Doc,” his voice was fading as if he were growing tired. “I haven’t heard one of those in a long while.”
I sat for a second, breathing in the smell of cigarette smoke and his soap, thinking I was in some sort of dream that was about to end. All of my dreams about Preppy ended abruptly so if it was a dream, time wasn’t on my side. “Knock knock,” I started.
“Who’s there?”
I hesitated and almost changing my mind about what I was going to say next, but I needed to rescue the words dangling from my lips before I woke up from this weird dream and it was too late.
“Who’s there, Doc?” Preppy asked in a whisper.
I took a deep breath. “Me.”
“Me who?” He asked, playing along.
“Apparently...your wife.”
Silence.
I cleared my throat. “Those papers I left for you?” I started, “The documents you wanted to use to get guardianship of King’s daughter? Those were just meant for show for the lawyers and the judge, but very recently, like VERY recently, I learned that you filed the marriage license. So in the eyes of the county clerk’s office...well, in the eyes of the State of Florida as a whole...”
“We’re married,” Preppy finished, not sounding the least bit surprised.
Preppy, The Life & Death of Samuel Clearwater, Part TWO (King) Page 5