The need to belong is fundamental!
That said, since 1943, when Abraham Maslow first shared the concept for his hierarchy of needs, a lot has been discovered. Recent studies have shown that belonging affects not just our emotional well-being but our physical well-being too.* So I’ve updated Uncle Maslow’s hierarchy to reflect that belonging is in fact a basic human need in the same category as food, water, touch, love, and shelter. I’ve also updated his hierarchy altogether to reflect our current belief systems and new research findings. Here they are from the bottom up:
Basic Human Needs: Food, Water, Shelter, Belonging, Love, Positive Touch**
Physical and Mental Well-Being: Physical Health, Consensual Sex, Job, Home, Security, Presence, Cultivation of Curiosity
Purpose: Service Orientation, Finding Your Purpose on the Planet That Benefits Humankind (Parenting, Community)
Joy: Playfulness, Creativity, Wonder, Mindfulness—you have the satisfaction from a life of purpose to return to play, creativity, wonder and end suffering.
*The Harvard Study of Adult Development—80-year study, 1938–present.
**Frank R. Wilson, The Hand: How Its Use Shapes the Brain, Language, and Human Culture (New York: Vintage Books, 1999).
Across all four levels of my updated hierarchy of needs is one unifying ingredient: community. Without a community supporting you at each level, it’s nearly impossible to move up the hierarchy. As psychologist Noam Shpancer wrote, “Human beings, fundamentally, are distinctly, spectacularly social. Lonely and isolated, we cannot survive, let alone thrive.”
People often ask me, “How did you do it? How did you build these thriving communities?” These questions, along with my desire to synthesize what I learned through my personal and professional communities, inspired me to write this book. Sure, community and belonging can be squishy concepts, but I’ve identified several key principles and practices—all of which I continue to work on, both for myself and for the organizations I’m involved with—that have served me and hopefully will serve you too on your community building journey.
It took me two years to finally find my people, but when I did, every aspect of my life became more energizing, exciting, and full of possibilities. Of course there were (and are) many moments of learning along the way, but for the first time I felt safe to be fully me and to be celebrated for my individuality within a collective. Once I saw the power of community, and felt the deep joy it brought to me personally, it became my mission to help create community for others too.
Ultimately, my goal is to give you the blueprint to build and nurture your own community from scratch so that you find happiness, fulfillment, and success.
Let’s GO!
WHAT DO BELONGING AND COMMUNITY ACTUALLY MEAN?
To be human is to belong. We were literally born in community, attached to someone else.
I know, I know, we’re frequently told to seek individuality and to be independent and strong, or to “go against the grain.” This is all great—to a limit. Recognizing and honoring our unique qualities and authentic gifts is key to developing self-confidence. But sharing our unique gifts with the greater whole is vital to our humanity. Ultimately, humans are at the top of the food chain not because we are the strongest or fastest individuals—bears and cheetahs are much stronger and faster. We are at the top of the food chain because we are the best at collaborating, whether through storytelling, skill sharing, or community building. So let’s honor our individuality and our authentic gifts by sharing ourselves with the world!
I define [be•long•ing] as: a feeling of deep relatedness and acceptance; a feeling of “I would rather be here than anywhere else.”
Belonging is the opposite of loneliness. It’s a feeling of home, of “I can exhale here and be fully myself with no judgment or insecurity.” Belonging is about shared values and responsibility, and the desire to participate in making your community better. It’s about taking pride, showing up, and offering your unique gifts to others. You can’t belong if you only take.
I define [com•mu•ni•ty] as: a group of three or more people with whom you share similar values and interests and where you experience a sense of belonging.
Take a moment and sit with these definitions. Then let’s move on.
Gently, gently.
Always gently.
Chapter 2
Gentle Self-Awareness
How Are You Showing Up?
You’re probably asking, “OK, where do I start?!” We are so quick to look outside of ourselves that we often forget to Go IN and look under the hood. Building a community where we feel a deep sense of belonging requires a real and honest understanding of ourselves first. So let’s take some real time to Go IN and get cozy with ourselves before we Go OUT. There are billions of people out there making up many different kinds of communities—it can be overwhelming! By doing this work, you will find the best community for you.
This chapter focuses on GENTLE SELF-AWARENESS. We are already such harsh critics of ourselves. When we work with gentle self-awareness, the process of Going IN is much easier and kinder. Although it can feel intense at times to look inward, it can and should be a colorful and positive experience too. The goal is not to get trapped inside yourself by self-judgment, doubt, and regret—the goal is for you to become gently aware of who you are and intentional about what you want so that you can Go OUT and build your dream community.
You have to go in to go out.
Let’s Begin by Gently Recognizing Our Personal History
We live in a time where we forget what we did yesterday, and our social media feeds race us through our lives.
I decided to take a few hours one Sunday to slow down and draw out a timeline of my life. I wore comfy pajamas, brought out the colored pens, drank about twelve cups of tea, and just . . . remembered. I recalled that I’ve moved eleven times (to new countries, cities, and neighborhoods), that I experienced 9/11 while living in NYC, that I’ve been through seven career changes and four major relationships.
I realized that seven of my biggest life moves happened in my twenties, when I was jumping around all over the country, and that it was during these times that I felt most out of my comfort zone. This exercise was instrumental in helping me see patterns in the choices I made. It also provided me with the clarity to recognize that it’s always been up to me to choose which road to take and who to spend my time with—and that I get to keep doing that. We are so used to asking “what’s next” in this world of twenty-four-hour news cycles that we can’t even catch our breath! Let’s take a moment to gently honor our history.
Recognizing all that got us here today and the events that shaped who we are will allow us to move forward with a clearer understanding of ourselves, what we want, and why.
Radha’s Life Timeline
Plot Your History. Use this page to list all the cities you’ve lived in, the schools you’ve attended, the jobs you’ve had, the relationships you’ve been in, even the smaller life moments that only you remember. Add musical artists and albums that changed your life, movies that you’ve seen ten times, books you’ve reread. Include people who have had an impact on you, such as the teachers you loved. Get creative and break into your memory bank here! Start by writing down one thing, then keep going.
Questions to ask yourself one by one AFTER you’ve plotted your life path:
1. Whom did you look up to?
2. Whom did you depend on?
3. Who kept you safe emotionally or physically? Who didn’t?
4. Who worried about you when you were feeling stressed?
5. Whom did you take for granted?
6. Did you choose your friends thoughtfully or did you fall into them?
7. When were you running away?
8. When have you played it safe?
9. When did you make exc
uses?
10. When did you feel most alive and fist-pumping in life?
11. Where have you struggled?
12. What part of your past do you want to forgive?
13. What more do you need?
Sit with your history and get really honest with it. Remember to be gentle with yourself, and without judgment. Imagine your younger self and speak tenderly to her or him. The time you take to get gently aware of your journey thus far will help you see your path forward with more clarity.
Consider doing this exercise with a friend, in a class, or with family members. Sharing it with people you trust can reveal more about you—and them. If you’re open to sharing your history with me, I want to see it! Take a photo of your timeline and share it on Instagram @love.radha and #belongbook.
Please visit Workman.com to download this page featured in the print book.
Let’s Talk About Ego
Imagine a Green Ego and a Red Ego. Each one sits on a shoulder, whispering into your ear. Their existence and what they whisper to you is fueled by your history and life experiences.
One keeps you moving forward and the other slows you down. Your Green Ego stands up for you and wants the best for you. It maintains your self-esteem and operates from a place of abundance. Your Green Ego is driven and passionate and pushes you to achieve in positive ways. Your Green Ego is your biggest cheerleader.
Your Red Ego is just as present on your other shoulder, but its intentions are not the same. Your Red Ego is afraid. It holds you back and makes you judge yourself and the world. It makes you a bad listener and scared of being wrong. It is not self-aware and is always trying to prove itself. Your Red Ego is self-centered and hides behind overconfidence. Your Red Ego bottles things up, doesn’t share when it needs help, and hides behind pride.
Be Gently Self-Aware of when your Green and Red Egos are present. Notice them. That’s all.
Whenever you’re having a Red Ego or Green Ego moment this week, write down what they’re whispering to you. It’s eye-opening!
Please visit Workman.com to download this page featured in the print book.
The Mean Girls of Your Mind
Let’s Talk About Comparison, Perfectionism, and Judgment
Comparison, Perfectionism, and Judgment are BFFs.
Comparison, Perfectionism, and Judgment are the Mean Girls of your mind. (Mean Girls can also be Mean Guys—they come in all shapes, genders, and sizes.) They bully your authentic self, make you feel insecure, and pull you away from who you really are. They’re egocentric and care only about themselves, even though they’re driven by what others are doing and saying. Comparison separates. Judgment disapproves. Perfectionism nitpicks.
They are often responsible for our anxiety. They condition us to judge everything we think and do. They whisper to us . . .
When we follow them, we drift farther away from our authentic selves and start focusing all our attention on what others are doing and whether they’re doing it better than us or if they’re doing it right. Because these Mean Girls can be loud and powerful in our minds, we are quick to criticize, blame, judge, and discard, and we focus on the negative things about ourselves and others. Here’s the thing: Mean Girls never go away. They’re always around. It’s up to you to decide whether you want to sit with them at lunch or if you want to walk past them and focus on the table with all the kids who are welcoming, curious, warm, fun, and open-minded.
Social Media on Perfectionism and Judgment
Social media has made the Mean Girls very powerful because we now have ways to compare and judge ourselves at every moment of every day.
We also have filters and tools that play into our need for perfection as we take our perfectly angled selfies, endlessly edit our photos, and spend too much time writing clever captions. Appearing to be perfect can actually be intimidating and scary for others and can make it hard to be approachable—it’s tough to relate to someone who projects perfection! Our weird quirks and unique qualities make us relatable. Who defines perfection anyway? The media? Magazines? Your peers? Your family? Instagram influencers? There’s nothing more approachable (and refreshing!) than being flawed and being OK about it.
Mean Girls inspire vanity and insecurity instead of community and support. According to a University of Michigan study published in 2013, the more time people spend on social media, the less happy they feel about their own lives. They also experience a decreased sense of belonging and end up spending more time with the Mean Girls, judging, comparing, and nitpicking. When I scrolled through social media and saw friends posting highlights from their lives, even if I wanted to be happy for them—even if I was happy for them—I’d still feel a twinge of the Mean Girl mind-set. I’d compare myself to my friends and judge each post they put up. It’s hard, if not impossible, to get Mean Girls to leave the cafeteria of our minds completely. The best advice is to gently recognize when they’re taking over and start moving your awareness and thoughts toward a space of support, curiosity, and excitement. Then walk on by.
Meet Your Soul Sisters
Let’s Talk About Inspiration, Gratitude, and Curiosity
Inspiration, Gratitude, and Curiosity are BFFs.
Your Soul Sisters (or Soul Brothers or Soul Family) are Inspiration, Gratitude, and Curiosity. They sit two tables down from the Mean Girls. You’ll always have to walk past the Mean Girls’ table—and make a conscious decision to keep walking past them as they call out to you—but once you’ve made it past their table, you’ll realize that the Soul Sisters are even more powerful. Once you sit with them, you’ll want to eat lunch with them every single day, because they make you feel good! They’re welcoming, thoughtful, curious, and grateful for each person sitting at the table. Everyone around them feels listened to and acknowledged. They’re the ones everyone in school goes to when they’re having a crisis. They are all you! It’s up to you to gently move your awareness from a negative space to a positive space. Here’s what would happen:
Instead of comparing yourself to someone else, you allow them to inspire you.
Instead of nitpicking everything that’s going “wrong,” you focus your awareness on all the things that are going right and feel grateful for those things.
Instead of judging yourself and others, you become curious about why you feel judgmental in the first place and move your awareness toward a place of curiosity: “Why do I feel this way? Why am I judging this person? Why am I judging myself in this way? Can I learn more about this rather than judge it?” Curiosity will set you free.
Still, in so many areas of my life, I continue to catch myself sitting with the Mean Girls that cause stress and frustration—how I judge my body, my friendships, and my romantic relationships; how I appear in public; how I talk and present myself to others; my online status updates; and how I’m being perceived. Of course it’s exhausting—and anxiety-inducing! Those Mean Girls are MEAN!
One of the most insightful stories I’ve heard about the Soul Sisters came from my friend and colleague Ryan, who battled depression for most of his teen years. His therapist helped him eradicate his depression with one simple idea: curiosity.
She showed him that he was operating from a place of finality—“This is it, I’m depressed for life”—and helped him move his mind-set to one of curiosity—“Hm, what is this feeling? Is there another way to see this? What else is out there?” Once he practiced this shift in his mind-set—it changed everything.
Keep going back to your Soul Sisters and spend lots of time with them. They will help you live the life you want.
Please visit Workman.com to download this page featured in the print book.
How to walk past the Mean Girls and continue to navigate the cafeteria of your mind
Practice daily gratitude while brushing your teeth. Think of three things you’re grateful for. It could be as simple as the soft sheets on your b
ed or a sunny day. This has been a game-changer for me. Trust me—I rolled my eyes when this exercise was first suggested to me, but it actually works. After a few days, you’ll feel the positive effects. #tryit
I allow myself fifteen minutes per day on social media to post, scroll, and comment. I use a timer and am aware of when I’m comparing myself versus when I’m being inspired. #waymorefun
I removed the Facebook app from my phone and use it only on the web. #gamechanger
I recognize when I’m having a Mean Girl Moment (MGM) and really focus on walking past them toward my Soul Sisters. I’ll say to myself, “Radha, MGM,” and grow curious about why I was feeling that way in the first place. More often than not, we judge others based on our own insecurities. Again, curiosity will set you free.
When I’m waiting for a friend, I don’t go straight to social media on my phone to distract myself (which can end up in a Mean Girl Moment). Instead I think about the friend who’s coming and all the ways I want to connect with him or her.
Chances are you’re going to have the opportunity to do one of these things today. So try it!
All this work we’re doing on Gentle Self-Awareness is preparing us to be happier humans and to be able to find and build our dream community.
Belong Page 2