When you inspire your friends and community to be more playful and go on adventures, people want you around. Being “serious” and “grown up” are overrated. When we were younger, most of us were happy and carefree and laughed more easily! Work on bringing that to your community.
Some ideas:
• Pumpkins. My friend David invited me to brunch one day around Halloween. Before we ordered our meal at the restaurant, he dug into his jacket pocket, pulled out a miniature pumpkin, and set it on the table. I looked at him quizzically and asked what it was for. He looked back at me with a twinkle in his eye and said, “What do you mean? It’s table garnish!” I almost fell off my chair. It was so ridiculous, random, and fun! The next time I saw him, he brought pinecones to my office and lovingly placed them around my desk. Now, every time I see him, my tail wags.
• Crowns. Another story that goes down as a textbook example of a playful couple is one about Sofija and Ben. The first time we met, they came to dinner as guests of two dear friends. Instead of being shy and demure, they brought kits to make paper crowns. Ben and Sofija run a successful business, but instead of talking about the stock market and their 401(k) plans, we spent an hour making paper crowns and trying them on and laughing hysterically. These are friends you want around!
• Gold Stars. The last and simplest idea is . . . gold stars. They never get old. When Eli and I visited his dad at the hospital during a procedure, we gave gold stars to all the nurses and doctors who took care of him, saying, “Thank you for being so awesome. You just earned a gold star!” They were genuinely excited to receive their stars and even put them on their hospital badges. The atmosphere at the hospital instantly became lighter and less stressful. It’s the little things that matter. Take initiative and be courageously silly!
6. Design Spaces for Belonging
Home feels like home because of the intention, love, and care that you put into it. When you create thoughtful and intentional spaces that people want to gather in, they’ll keep coming back. My parents’ house is simple yet beautiful, especially at Christmas, when my mom and dad hang twinkly lights, place garlands on each banister, and decorate the tree with every (and I mean every) ornament we’ve made since we were kids. To this day, my mother has created a space that feels good, and I look forward to coming home every chance I get.
Designing intentional spaces is at the root of belonging. It’s the physical container for relationships to form and deepen. My friend Tony Hsieh is the CEO of Zappos. He designed his office to inspire more “collisions” in the hallways; Google built a cafeteria for the employees to connect over meals; and SoulCycle designed their locker rooms so that those coming into the spin studio have to walk past those who have just finished a class. Thoughtful spaces will inspire deeper, more meaningful connections on all sides.
What’s up with couches? When my twin sister, Miki, and I were living together as roommates, we discovered that couches were awkward for eye-contact conversations. You have to crane your neck uncomfortably to talk to each other! So we got rid of ours and built a cuddle-puddle in our living room instead. We had two queen-size mattresses that we pushed together with pillows and throws adorning them, and when friends came over, we cuddle-puddled together, talking, laughing, and watching movies. We’ve had friends in their sixties down to our three-year-old niece cuddle-puddling in our living room, and it’s been the best way to connect as FSFs!
When you live in an apartment, typically a couch sits on one wall and a TV sits across on the other wall. This is the inherent problem with city apartments. Think about it: Couches are angular and linear and are not conducive to a community experience. They’re made to watch TV or read a book. It’s difficult to have a conversation with eye contact on a couch. L-shaped or facing couches are better, and circular couches or cuddle-puddles (or boudoirs) like the one Miki and I had are the best for connecting!
Tips on designing spaces:
• The Bowl Effect—At Daybreaker, we look for spaces that are bowl-shaped and have multilevels so our community can dance together and make eye contact with one another. We call it the Bowl Effect—circular seating (and dancing!) areas inspire a deeper sense of intimacy and belonging. Try it! Flat, rectangular surfaces are more . . . flat.
• Lighting is key—Don’t underestimate the importance of “vibe.” Think about what mood you want to set for your gathering. Lighting can define the experience. Candles, dimmers, natural light, and special light bulbs (try a few) are great. Plants, greenery, flowers, pillows, throws, incense, and candles are also your friends. If you activate all five senses (Five Sense Friends!), you’ll inspire a deeper sense of belonging.
7. Advanced Communication
My brother-in-law Andrew is an expert on the art of meaningful conversation. I’ve watched him get engrossed in conversation with a stranger in the middle of a thousand-person dance party with thumping electronic music (not kidding). He has an uncanny ability to assess an environment and ask the right question at the right moment. He says, “A reality that we should all embrace is that our professional success, career trajectory, friendships, and romantic relationships can change dramatically because of a single conversation.” Here are some tips he shares:
Find your Authentic Voice. The Authentic Voice can be defined as a deep-down understanding of who we are, what we want, and what we believe in. If we don’t know what our voice is, we’ll constantly seek validation from others to tell us what is “acceptable” or “cool.” Think about the things that truly matter to you. This is what makes up your voice.
Ask better questions! No more “What do you do?” Asking thoughtful questions and listening to the responses will make anyone you’re talking to feel valued. Try having a full conversation without bringing up work.
Five questions that beat “What do you do?”
What are you most excited about?
What are you finding challenging right now?
What’s the first birthday memory you have?
What do you spend most of your time thinking about these days?
If you could do anything, what would you be doing?
Go DEEP with a friend, family member, or coworker you’ve been wanting to get to know better—or get reacquainted with. Set aside time for a meal, hangout, or train ride, and practice these methods. The more we get into each other’s backpacks, the more belonging, empathy, and connection we will feel to one another.
Next time you’re talking to a friend you know well, make a conscious effort to touch their arm, hand, or leg when you talk to them. Try hugging rather than handshaking (although handshaking is better than nothing!). Really focus on being an FSF (Five Sense Friend). Even if it’s awkward at first, give it a shot. If you invite more affection into your relationship, your friend will more than likely respond positively! It’s clinically proven that touching one another soothes our nervous systems, supports our immune systems, and makes us healthier and happier. The more you practice being affectionate, the easier and more fluid it will become. And the better it will feel! Just don’t make it creepy!
8. Touch Your Friends More
Touch and affection release Oxytocin (the “O” in D.O.S.E.!) and inspire a sense of belonging, yet we rarely touch each other in a friendly, casual way. Most of us focus all of our affection and intimacy toward our romantic partners. It’s wild that Americans watch the most porn of any country in the world (40 percent of the most-watched porn sites around the world are from Americans!),* yet we are physically starved for affection. I said it earlier, but it bears repeating that a study showed that, in conversation, Mexicans touched each other an average of 185 times in one sitting, while in Florida, they touched each other only twice. That’s part of why I love dancing, because you’re naturally holding on to your friend while you dance or bumping into each other as you jump around.
*Pornhub, “2017 Year in Review,” pornhub.com/insights/2017-year-r
eview.
9. Dress Up in Costumes
Life is way more fun when we make excuses to dress up. At Daybreaker, we have a theme at every event to inspire more play and connection. When you dress up together, there’s a camaraderie that’s created and you feel a deeper sense of belonging. It’s also creative in a way that’s outside of most people’s comfort zone, which is good! It gives you a chance to laugh at yourself, admire others’ creativity, and start conversations. It’s a kind of fun that brings out the child in everyone, and I love seeing people be vulnerable, silly, and then more confident when they dress up.
10. Get Active Together
This one is obvious but still needs to be called out. Work out, play sports, go for hikes, and dance! Participating in activities and taking initiative to plan activities with your friends are surefire ways to keep your community coming back for more. If you like hiking, plan hikes for your community—and bring gold stars and paper crowns!
The big secret to keeping community alive is to give, give, give. Have the courage to create and invite others to participate. When you do, the world will open up to you.
My ultimate motto for nurturing and sustaining communities is, “What you put in is what you get out.” It’s that simple.
How we choose to embrace inevitable conflict will shape all our relationships.
chapter 8
Reframe and Embrace Conflict
Life Languages, the Friendship Cycle, Avoiding FOBLO, and Eradicating Gossip
This is where the rubber meets the road. Conflict, and dealing with it gracefully, is Community Architecture 2.0. As a sensitive and passionate half-Indian, half-Japanese, French Canadian woman, this is where I’ve struggled the most. Fire courses through my veins, and there’s no question that my parents (specifically my dad—hi, Dad!) set the tone for how I deal with conflict. It’s been my biggest challenge and I’ve synthesized the lessons I’ve learned over the years into the big ideas that follow. They’ve helped me tremendously, and I hope they will lessen the struggle of inevitable conflict for you.
Empathy First
I often feel misunderstood. As an employer and a CEO, everything I say is recorded and taken seriously. I’m certainly not always right, and I often say the wrong thing. If I’m trying to give constructive feedback to a team member when I haven’t eaten lunch, have a meeting with my accountant in an hour, and have three people texting and calling me at the same time, it’s hard for the words to come out in the way I want them to. Also, my team member may be going through stuff too and will be receiving my feedback differently than I intended based on a host of reasons.
We forget that there’s more to every conversation than the one we’re actually having.
Life Language
My friend and fellow Community Architect David (the one who brought the pumpkin to lunch!) and I spent an afternoon at my office workshopping all the ways we could deal with conflict personally and professionally. We both run companies and deal with personalities every day, so it was an especially productive and interesting conversation. What we realized is that it’s not about conflict resolution itself—it’s about considering where each person is when they’re coming into a conversation in the first place.
Since then, I’ve spent months refining our brainstorm into three questions that I call our Life Language—it’s a simple language for how to approach any life conversation and have more empathy and understanding for where the person is before you meet them. Consider the following three questions before you enter any conversation with your friend, employee, colleague, or community member, and remember that these three questions are applicable to both of you, so you have six variables to consider:
1. Where am I in life?—What does your overall life picture look like right now? Health? Finances? Family? Community? Job? Did you just relocate? Break up with a boyfriend? Lose your job? Get a new job? What’s in your backpack?
2. Where am I right now?—How’s your state of mind in the present moment? How’s your human meat suit doing? Are you hungry? Are you stressed? Did you just have a fight with a loved one this morning? Are you late for your meeting?
3. Where am I with you?—How’s our relationship? Are we getting along right now? Are we tense? Do I feel betrayed or hurt? How well do we know each other? Am I at ease? Nervous? Are you someone I admire?
I’ve certainly been in many conversations in which each of these Life Language questions was impacting the conversation on both sides but neither of us addressed it. When we’re not seeing, sharing, or even considering the full picture, misunderstanding happens. Society has placed so many rules on what should be shared and what is oversharing, what is appropriate and inappropriate, and we all have different interpretations based on our upbringing and past experiences. The more open and vulnerable we are with one another, the more we will understand each other and the more connected we will feel. As soon as I realized this, I started giving myself and anyone I was interacting with permission to be open with these questions. We would share where we were in life, in the moment and with each other. It allowed any tension or discomfort to just lift. Now, when a team member (or any friend) shares that they’re PMS-ing or didn’t get enough sleep the night before and are feeling tired, or they got into an argument with their mom, I know how best to communicate with them. We have built an office culture where we don’t abuse this freedom or use it as an excuse to stay at home or do a poor job, but we can cry in front of each other (as CEO—Chief Emotional Officer, I cry all the time) and can share our feelings passionately without holding things against one another. Communication can be messy, and the more we understand each other’s Life Language, the more empathy, belonging, and connection we will feel.
This week, go into all conversations thinking about these three questions on both sides, and have the courage and vulnerability to share your Life Language with that person and see what happens!
FOMO, FOBLO, and JOMO
We all know and have felt FOMO—Fear of Missing Out. When friends post on social media that they went somewhere and you had the opportunity to go but didn’t, you think, “Ahhhh, I wish I could have been there!” That’s the fun kind of FOMO—the one you could have gone to but chose not to go. Of course, there’s the FOMO in which you feel it’s probably not a good idea to go, but you go because you just don’t want to miss out. That can be great, or it can rule your life. FOMO gets managed the more you know your own colorful rainbow and get comfortable with yourself.
The FOMO we’re all ashamed of talking about is FOBLO—Fear of Being Left Out. Being left out at any age is painful and makes us want to crawl into our beds and ask ourselves if all our friends hate us. Why weren’t we invited? As pack animals, we like to be included. Yet we never talk about it when we’re left out. Pride gets in the way. We resent or talk negatively about the person who didn’t invite us. We make up stories in our own heads. Social media has also made FOBLO very real. We can see everything that we weren’t invited to, and it can hurt when friends we care about are involved. It’s why studies have shown that scrolling through social media makes us less happy. Studies have also shown that our brain processes pain from rejection in the same way it processes physical pain, like having a broken bone. Social rejection can also bring on feelings of depression, anger, sadness, anxiety, and jealousy.
If it’s so common, why is being left out so shameful and, as my British friend Philip says, “not to be talked about”? What if we made #FOBLO a thing we acknowledged? Let’s take out the shame and talk about it. But also, FOBLO can be reversed!
FOMO, FOBLO, and JOMO
Here Are Nine Ways to Overcome FOBLO:
Ask yourself why you’re feeling FOBLO in the first place. We typically ignore painful feelings, busy ourselves, and pretend they’re not there instead of acknowledging them. But when you don’t acknowledge your feelings, they become amplified and you end up getting more upset. On
ce you actually face your feelings, you may realize, “Wait a minute, I rarely hang out with or call this person, why would they invite me?” or “What am I getting so upset about? It’s one event. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.” It may be human nature to imagine the worst—“They don’t care about me!”—but being objective about reality is often much simpler and more empowering. If it’s still bothering you, get Gently Self-Aware about how you’ve been showing up for this friend. Are you often negative?
A shit-talker? Or positive and participatory? When you’re together, are you making an effort to connect? If you’re not part of their day-to-day life and aren’t checking in regularly, chances are it’s not about you! And if they’re maliciously excluding you to make you feel bad, they are the ones who will feel bad in the end, because that behavior always catches up with the perpetrator.
Talk about it! Be vulnerable. Send your friend a note that says “#FOBLO—did you forget about me?” Bring it up courageously and share your feelings without accusing them.
Remember: It’s not always about you! Sometimes, humans just want to hang out with other humans, and that’s totally cool. It can be freeing to realize that you’re not the center of the universe. Do your own thing! The world is exciting—new adventures await.
You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be. Yes, it’s a bit philosophical, but when you recognize your awesomeness, hang out with your cheerleading Green Ego, and know that the energy was meant to flow this way, you’ll find that it’s incredibly liberating to know that you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.
Check in with your self-esteem. When we don’t know our own self-worth and we depend on others to feel good about ourselves, this is when we experience FOBLO the most. Recognize your unique gifts and go find something else to do! Go back to the gratitude exercise in Chapter 3 and think of three things you’re grateful for in this moment.
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