The plan to have the babies asleep and awake at about the same time may initially fail, because there is a strong genetic component that influences how long babies sleep, how regular are the times when they need to sleep, and how self-soothing they are when put down to sleep. Therefore, you may be more successful in synchronizing sleep schedules with identical twins than with fraternal twins. But even identical twins can have their own personality! Prepare yourself for the possibility that one twin may be a good sleeper (self-soothing, long sleep durations, regular sleep patterns) and the other twin is the opposite.
As I mentioned, in the beginning, place your babies together in the same room, or even the same crib. Many of these babies seem to enjoy touching each other and sometimes appear to help the other one sleep by stroking, petting, or even putting a hand or finger in the mouth of the other. Later, if it becomes apparent that one twin or triplet is interfering with the sleep of another, then you have to try to separate the “bad sleeper” from the “good sleeper.” Sometimes this is easier said than done because of the number of rooms in your house. Be creative. You might temporarily put one child in your bedroom for naps, or perhaps you have a large walk-in closet, or maybe there is some attic or basement space where you can create a nest for naps. This temporary separation might be needed until the “bad sleeper” settles down to a regular nap pattern, which usually evolves between twelve and sixteen weeks after their due date. Also, please do not be surprised if the twins do a flip-flop and the one who had been a “good sleeper” becomes a “bad sleeper” and vice versa. The truth is that during the first few months, there is a lot of shifting around in daytime sleep patterns. All children sleep better during the day around three or four months of age, so be patient.
When I discussed the problem of trying to synchronize sleep schedules when one twin naps better than the other with mothers and fathers at a support group for parents of twins, some said they would wake up the good sleeper, go out to have fun, and then put them both down together for the next sleep period. The risk is that the good sleeper might become overtired because the child's needs are not met. Other parents let the good sleeper finish the nap and later put them down together. Here, the risk is that the bad sleeper becomes very overtired from being up too long. The mother of Ezra and Caleb, currently two excellent sleepers, really summed up the majority sentiment when she said, “You just have to compromise.” Sometimes letting the good sleeper snooze a little longer before waking him up is all it takes to produce some regularity in the sleep routines.
Here's the conflict: You want to avoid the overtired state and you want to synchronize their sleeping patterns. Sleep logs, as described on pages 118 and 221, are very helpful to get a handle on how to strike a good compromise.
Each family with twins and triplets has its own strengths, resources, and stresses; please consider reviewing your situation with other parents of twins and triplets or your pediatrician before sleep problems develop.
Moving
The only thing worse than moving is moving with children. You pack, they unpack. You clean up, they make a mess. Here is one account of how moving upset a child's routine.
“NICHOLAS KNEW THIS
WAS THE TIME TO
REALLY STICK IT TO ME”
Nicholas had an established sleep pattern before we moved, but after … !
Bill and I started packing up the apartment about two months before we moved; Nicholas's response to this preparation was to change his sleep pattern. But we weren't too worried, since we assumed it would change back once we were moved and settled. It didn't. We moved when he was about eight months old. Well, by the time Nicholas was nine months, I needed another chat with Dr. Weissbluth to discuss Nicholas's frequent night wakings.
My husband was with my father for the opening of trout season that weekend, and Nicholas knew this was the time to really stick it to me.
Nicholas had had a cold for weeks. Thursday night he cried from 7:00 until 11:00 P.M. I went in several times to try to calm him. I knew that what I should be doing was turning off, or down to a whisper, the intercom and letting him work it out, but I thought the cold had something to do with it. Dr. Weissbluth said the cold did have something to do with it—plain and simple. Nicholas needed more sleep to shake it, but just as important was the routine Nicholas had to learn (again). The doctor made me promise not to go in the room at all until between 5:00 and 7:00 A.M.: “Load him up with Desitin and hugs and kisses and close the door.” The first night the crying stopped after about an hour and a half, but by Saturday Nicholas cried for only five minutes. Now he will perhaps play for at least a few minutes, then before I know it, his head is down and we have a quiet, happy baby twelve hours later!
Your general goal is to maintain as regular and consistent a pattern as possible when preparing for and following a move. Resist the temptation to drag the baby to the home improvement store or garden shop when he should be sleeping. If your child is young, say less than a year old, quickly reestablish the bedtime rituals and sleep patterns that worked best before the move. Be firm, and after allowing a day or two for adjustment to the new surroundings, ignore any protest crying that may have evolved from the irregularity and inconsistency during the move. If your child is older, say a few years, go slower. Fears of newness, excitement over novelty, and uncertainty regarding further changes may cause new problems of resistance to naps, difficulty falling asleep at night, or night waking. Be gentle, firm, and decisive. Reassurance, extra time at night, night-lights, and open doors have a calming or soothing effect. Be somewhat consistent in controlling this extra comfort so that the child does not learn that it is completely open-ended. For the older child, consider using a kitchen timer to control the amount of extra time you are going to spend with her. The timer helps the child to learn to expect that mom or dad will leave for the night after a predictable time period. Place the timer under a pillow or cushion to muffle the sound.
Anxiety or fear in your child regarding a move is natural, normal, and not something that should unduly alarm you. After several days, start a deliberate process of “social weaning” to encourage a return to your old, healthy sleep habits by gradually reducing the duration on the timer. This should usually take no more than several days in most instances.
Vacations and Crossing Time Zones
Think of a vacation with your child as sort of a semiholiday. After all, you may spend a lot of time baby-sitting among the palms on sun-drenched beaches. I have spent many hours building simple sand castles, trying to keep one eye on the castle architecture and the other eye on a nonswimmer jumping over small waves. This intense concentration is not very relaxing!
Try to flow with your child; be flexible, forget schedules, try to have as much fun as possible, and don't worry much if your kids become tired. Irregularity and spontaneity are part of what makes vacations fun.
When you cross time zones, you might suffer the ill effects of jet lag. You are conditioned to sleep when it is dark, but activity/rest cycles and feeding habits also get messed up when you cross time zones. Children seem to be more sensitive to light, especially morning light, than adults are, so use this to help defeat the jet lag. The day after you arrive, or the next day for a very long trip—both at your destination, at the beginning of the trip, and home when the vacation is over—wake your child at the usual wake-up time.
Scenario one: You leave your home very early in the morning because of holiday traffic and the extra time required because of airport security. You arrive at your destination, and it is now very late at night. By the time you claim your luggage, rent a car, drive to your hotel and get settled, everyone is exhausted. It's been a long day! So everyone sleeps in late the next morning. If your child is napping, the late morning wake-up causes the nap(s) to be later. Therefore, wake up your child after a one-to two-hour nap in order to protect a reasonably early bedtime. The following morning, either wake up your child at his routine time to reestablish his regular sleeping schedule
, or repeat the process of shortening the nap to more gradually get the bedtime to its regular early time. If your child is not napping, over the next day or days control the wake-up time by waking your child earlier either a lot or a little until you get to your normal wake-up time.
Scenario two: You arrive at your destination and get settled in by midafternoon or early evening. The day after you arrive, wake up your child at the usual time. That is, if you usually get up at 7:00, rouse your child at 7:00 local time, no matter what the time difference. Try to expose him to bright morning light. Continue with the schedule as if you had not taken a trip, using local time for naps and the night sleep. Naturally, there will be some irregularity, no matter how hard you try, so assume that when you return home, your child may be overtired.
Once you're home, it's boot camp again—back to the basics, with all the regular routines. Repeat the strategies described above. Within a few days, if you are firm, consistent, and regular, your child will learn quickly that the vacation is over. If your child was well rested prior to this vacation, expect only one rough, crazy recovery day of protest crying. Trying to gradually soothe your child back to her previous good sleep routine over several days often fails because the child fights sleep in order to enjoy your company.
You may avoid having a “reentry” problem by carefully planning ahead, as Claire's parents did.
CLAIR FIRST VACATION
Having spent our previous vacations as young marrieds, jaunting lightheartedly to Hawaii, the Canadian Rockies, England, Europe, and New England without an itinerary or reservations, it was with some trepidation that my husband, Tom, and I launched off on our first vacation as new parents with our eight-month-old daughter in tow. We chose a family-oriented beach resort (only one time zone away), which was conveniently located near a major city of historical interest that we had never visited. We decided to spend our money on above-average accommodations, knowing that with an eight-month-old we would be spending more time there and might as well make ourselves comfortable. We selected a two-bedroom/two-bath condo with a kitchen and large living/dining area, which ensured that Claire's naps and bedtimes wouldn't interfere with our activities and vice versa.
Our daily schedule certainly was not as hectic as when we were just a couple, but we did manage to relax more and have a great deal of fun. We tried to preserve Claire's two-nap-a-day schedule and approximate bedtime hour, but we wanted to be flexible, too. A typical day for us would begin with breakfast at the condo followed by a walk on the magnificent beach looking for shells and sand dollars. Because the sand is firmly packed there, we could push Claire's stroller right along on the beach, which allowed us to venture farther than if she'd been in the backpack. About midmorning we'd return to the condo for Claire's nap. One of us would lounge on the sundeck while Claire was sleeping, while the other would be free to go swimming, shopping, cycling, or whatever.
After lunch—either a picnic by the park/playground near the condo or a meal at the snack bar by the pool—we'd pack up the car and head to a nearby attraction. Claire would promptly fall asleep in her car seat for her afternoon nap, a habit we never practiced back home, and be ready to go again after we reached our various destinations about an hour or so later.
We ventured out to dinner with Claire on several occasions, picking one of the resort's family-oriented restaurants and arriving early (both before the larger crowds and to be closer to her typical suppertime). After another walk on the beach, we'd follow Claire's bedtime routine and put her to sleep at about her normal hour in the rented full-size crib in her own room. We then had time to enjoy some wine, read, catch up on our conversation, or plan the next day's activities.
Yes, it was quite a different style of holiday for us! But the new scenery was fascinating, and with some advance planning (like arranging the crib rental and packing a special box with Claire's walker, backpack carrier, and favorite toys), we all were able to enjoy our first vacation as a family.
Frequent Illnesses
Night wakings routinely follow frequent illnesses. First, let's have a clear understanding of what is happening. Videotapes of healthy young children in their homes at night show that many awakenings occur throughout the night, but the children usually return to sleep without any help. Fever can alter sleep patterns and can cause light sleep or more frequent awakenings. So it is not surprising that a painful illness with fever, such as an ear infection, causes an increased number of night wakings. These more frequent and prolonged arousals often require your intervention to soothe or calm the child back to sleep. Your child might now begin to associate your hugging, kissing, or holding at night with returning to sleep. This learning process might then produce an alteration in the child's behavior or expectations that continue long after the infection passes. Now we have a night-waking pattern.
Actually, awakening at night is not the problem. As we have seen, spontaneous awakenings are normal, as are increased awakenings with fever. Naturally, parents should go to their sick children at night. The real problem once the child is healthy again and not bothered by pain or fever is his learned difficulty in returning to sleep unassisted.
How can you reteach your child to develop her own resources to return to sleep after awakening? Remember, parents are teachers and we teach health habits, even if the child might not initially cooperate or appreciate our efforts. Here are three options:
Option one: You might decide that since children are frequently ill and you can't let your child down when he needs you, you will always respond, and you will simply wait for the child to “outgrow” this habit. The problem with this option is that the awakenings initially tend to become more frequent, because your child learns to enjoy your company at night. After all, who wants to be alone in a boring, dark, quiet room in the middle of the night? Eventually, months or years later, the child sleeps through the night and the parents can congratulate themselves for always having attended to their child's crying at night. You have, however, paid a price. Parents following this course of action often become sleep-deprived or chronically fatigued, and occasionally feel resentful toward the child for not appreciating their dedicated efforts. In addition, the sleep fragmentation and sleep deprivation often produce a child who is more irritable, aroused, agitated, and hyperexcitable because the child is always fighting chronic fatigue and drowsiness.
Option two: You might try to go to your child at night only when she is really sick and to leave the child alone at night when she is healthy. This is a strategy that often fails, because you may often be uncertain whether an illness is serious or just a minor concern. After all, at 7:00 P.M., you might decide that your child has only a minor common cold and that you are going to ignore her crying, but by 2:00 A.M. you begin to worry about the possibility of an ear infection. Is it still reasonable to ignore the crying? What usually occurs is intermittent reinforcement: You sometimes go to your child and sometimes do not. This behavior generally teaches your child to cry longer and louder when she awakens at night, because she learns that only loud and persistent crying will bring her parents. Quiet or brief crying often fails to get the parents’ attention.
Option three: Work closely with your pediatrician to devise a reasonable strategy whereby frequent visits or phone calls permit a clearer distinction between nonserious common colds and more distressing or disturbing illnesses. Generally speaking, the child's playfulness, sociability, activity, and appetite during the day are good clues; common colds do not cause much change in your child's behavior when awake. Then, in a planned and deliberate fashion, your child is left alone more and more at night, so that she learns to return to sleep without your help. When an acute illness develops that is associated with high fever or severe pain, of course, do whatever comforts the child best, both night and day. But when the acute phase of this illness is over, start again to give her less and less attention at night. Remember, most children sleep through most common colds; with your pediatrician's help, you can learn to distinguish betwe
en “habit crying” that occurs with a common cold and the more painful crying that is associated with a serious and painful acute infection.
Research has shown that sleep loss itself can cause impairments in our immune system, which is the body's defense mechanism to prevent infections. So it's a vicious circle: Illnesses might disturb sleep, and not sleeping well makes us more vulnerable to becoming sick.
Mother's Return to Work
Some adults develop sensitivity to children's needs and appreciate the benefits of regularity, consistency, and structure in child care activities. Some do not. The quality of the caretaker is what is important, not whether the person is or is not the biological parent.
PRACTICAL POINT
Write down specific instructions for sleep rituals so that the baby-sitter, the nanny, or the day-care provider knows what soothes your child best.
Do not assume that when the mother returns to work outside the home, your child's sleep habits will suffer. Keep data: track the schedule of naps when she is cared for by someone else, ask the nanny to keep a sleep log so you know exactly what is going on, watch for signs of tiredness in the early evening that might suggest nap deprivation.
Sometimes a nanny is a very nurturing person who wants to hold your baby all the time. But at some point you'll want to be able to use Method A, which means putting your child down for naps after soothing whether or not she is asleep. If the nanny refuses to do this, then your child will not be able to learn to soothe herself to sleep.
Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child Page 43