Let's return to Esme's request for one more story at night.
“ONE MORE STORY” (CONTINUED)
I needed to examine who was really having trouble sticking to our bedtime routine—daughter or mother. Could it be that I was having more trouble putting her down than she was having going down? Could it be that I was holding on, clinging to her at the very time when I most needed to encourage an easy transition from day to night, from play to rest, from being together to being alone, for both of us, for the purposes of healthy rest and healthy separation? It hit me with a jolt that I was the one who didn't want to put that warm cuddly bundle down into her crib, to let go, say good night, shut her door, and leave her; that / was the one suffering from separation anxiety. My mind raced. When had I made this leap from viewing bedtime as a useful, necessary, peaceful break in the time I spent with my daughter to a rockier separation?
Once I realized that much, everything tumbled out. There were a million reasons—some very simple, some more complex. Since she's been older, she's been so much fun to be with. Every day she understands a new concept; every second there's something new to learn, look at, point to, pronounce. She adores her books—she'll throw aside any toy if she can read instead, and I'm as excited and stimulated by all of this growth as she is. Because I'm proud of how much she's absorbing, “One more story, Mama” secretly pleases me.
Good-Enough Parenting
Parental confidence can make the parenting job much easier, even despite the inevitable problems and pitfalls of child rearing. We all make mistakes. This is why a prominent pediatrician called parenting “good enough,” meaning that there is no one style of parenting that is perfect. The first time the parent misses a messy diaper does not “damage” a child. However, repeated failures of misreading the child's signal will have an impact. The emotional microenvironment is growth-promoting or growth-inhibiting, depending on the caregiver's ability to read her child's affective state. It is the pattern of daily response, not the moment-to-moment response, that a baby internalizes and forms memories of. Missing one signal in an infant's life will not cause permanent damage as long as the parent learns and does not repeat the same mistakes. Good-enough parenting includes maintaining a child's arousal within a moderate range that is high enough to maintain interactions but not so intense as to cause avoidance or distress. Optimal stimulation produces a balance between positive feelings and awareness and internal tension. Too much stimulation, like tickling, can quickly become unpleasantly intense if not properly dosed. Lack of proper regulation by parents prevents the emergence of a system to cope with heightened levels of arousal and discomfort. Sleep is just one example where a child needs to develop internal regulation.
A child must have the conviction that her surroundings are secure, providing pleasure and satisfaction while preventing or balancing anxiety. This includes both bodily needs and emotional needs. With mother as a secure base, the baby is free to explore the world. Babies who are securely attached to their caregivers respond more positively to peers and teachers later in life. A baby's security manifests itself by a balance of interest, curiosity, pleasure, and exploration of the environment.
The protective response, innate to most caregivers, is sometimes interpreted as “Never frustrate your child.” This is virtually impossible. Babies need to learn to tolerate frustration and learn self-soothing techniques to calm themselves and prepare them for life's inevitable obstacles. Gentle limits are the way to do this. A dilemma occurs when a parent needs to step away to promote growth. When babies learn to walk, first they creep along the furniture, and then they hold on to a hand. Eventually both baby and caregiver must let go so that independent walking will occur. Both parent and child feel anxiety at this separation. Struggles appear as each development task, such as rolling over, sitting, standing, and talking, is mastered. This is normal and may consist of an increase in fussiness or frustration experienced by both baby and caregiver. As each new step occurs, challenges and tensions are introduced, resolved, and mastered.
When do caregivers step away? Sometimes adults have the tendency to infer adult meanings from the child's actions. It is important to remember that a baby may not be feeling or experiencing what the adult feels. We cannot “read” an infant's mind. Too often adults have a tendency to project their own feelings on to the baby and not really listen to or attune to their baby. The grandmother who is cold tells her granddaughter to put on a sweater. This assumption that we know what is going on in an infant's internal world can lead to conflicts in parenting if we project instead of attune. Try to understand your baby's needs and not confuse them with your own.
The wise mother of twenty-month-old Esme learned that she did not want to put her daughter down to say good night. She realized that her loving her child “too much” had gotten in the way of setting healthy limits.
Development of Internal Controls
Infants learn internal regulation, a balance between inhibitory and excitatory control, from the routines and regularity of their environment. Development and regulation of physiological needs such as hunger, thirst, sleep, elimination, and tactile stimulation happen almost intuitively. Each developmental milestone is subject to regulation from the environment, especially the family. Having a “night owl” baby does not lead to a normalized routine. This baby must be slowly synchronized to the world's sleep/wake cycle. Healthy emotional development occurs with appropriate regulation of developmental tasks by the family. As parents regulate infants, infants internalize this as self-regulation.
When adults provide the necessary skills to help an infant complete a task successfully there is an increase from the child's current knowledge to a higher level. Initially it may be as simple as picking up a crying infant. Later, we tie our child's shoes until she learns that skill herself. But we do not tie her shoes forever. Nor do we forever pick up a crying child. Gradually we must withdraw our support so the child can function independently. The capacity to use small amounts of anxiety, excitement, and curiosity as a signal allows babies to more fully explore the world.
Babies cry in order to communicate all of their needs. Calmingbabies leads to positive attachments and feelings of safety for the infant. Crying does not necessarily mean distress; rather, it can be a simple communication about a wet diaper or a signal to play. A mother of an eight-month-old relates that her baby cries to get her to come into her bedroom at night. The minute the baby sees her mom she smiles with delight. This mother had the wisdom to recognize her daughter's cries not as signaling distress but as asking her mother to come play.
There are many ways, short of holding or feeding a baby, to stop their crying. Helping them learn self-soothing can come in many forms. The key is creating a balance between frustration and comfort. The frustration element provides an opportunity for the child to grow and develop skills. Too much frustration is disorganizing, but having no frustration prevents a child from learning. To soothe crying babies who are preverbal (under fourteen or fifteen months), waiting several seconds before picking them up can be helpful. Alternatively, handing a child an object or a favorite blanket can be a soothing technique. If your baby is still distressed, patting her on the back gently or stroking her may work. As your child becomes older, soothing words can be quite useful. All these methods are the beginning of a journey in teaching your child self-regulation. These rudimentary steps to self-regulation bring about less fussiness and less crying. The result maximizes the baby's growing competence and self-control.
Saying No Helps Your Child
Many of us grew up believing that discipline means humiliation, shame, guilt, and an occasional swat on the bottom. Today we interpret discipline in a way that is true to its Latin root, which means “to teach.” Setting limits should be done with reason and firmness, in a positive, loving environment. Teaching self-soothing is as important as teaching language or social skills.
When do we start setting these limits for a child? We start this process very early
. Waiting a few moments to pick up your crying child or talking slowly to her while preparing food are the beginnings of teaching an infant to wait and to learn expectations of routines. Even babies learn routines quickly. Most can settle themselves when hearing their caregiver's steps or the tone of a voice. The baby stops crying or fussing. Most limits should be simple rules spoken in advance so that children know what to expect. If your tendency is to always jump to do things for your child, to protect your child from feeling frustrated or from experiencing failure, you will not be teaching him techniques he will need for the future. The progress is gradual and is part of the challenge of parenting.
Families are not democracies. Parents are in charge and have ultimate authority. Unlike past generations, when child rearing was done in a more autocratic society in which the father had supreme rights, today limits are presented by both parents to create order. When limits were presented in an autocratic manner, fear and intimidation, not learning and understanding, ruled the family. Yes, family members should have mutual respect and principles of equality, but this does not imply that children have an equal say. A baby changes the family balance, creating a new equilibrium. Parents must take charge and make decisions in the best interest of the child even though it might cause distress. No one lets an infant or a child ride in a car without a safety seat. Even if the child protests, families usually stay firm on this rule. Other limits sometimes have to be invoked in the same way as the seat belt law—firmly and confidently.
Behavior can be modified. Our culture, family, and society influence the norms and values of behavior standards. One of the first steps in changing behavior is to first understand the behavior. Once a limit is set, you cannot expect children to simply accept it or consider it normal. We do not say to infants “Don't cry.” We show them soothing techniques: a pacifier, a thumb, a blanket.
When a child enters the toddler stage, the learning of no signals the beginning of the child's ability to do symbolic thinking. The toddler, becoming more adept at communicating his needs, begins to collide with his caregiver's wishes. This conflict leads to frustration and rage. This rage must be negotiated carefully, because it has the potential to disrupt the child's sense of well-being and safety. This does not mean that limits should not be dispensed. Parents have to be very clear and present limits in a calm, soothing voice and stand their ground despite pleas for them to waver. If you have already encouraged a positive and protective environment, the child looks at these limits as an extension of that protection.
It is never too late to say no to your child. A thirteen-year-old girl with long-standing nighttime difficulties came to my office for evaluation. Her history revealed that she had never been taught to sleep through the night. She had wandered from room to room, disrupting her parents’ sleep, since the age of fifteen months. Her parents felt she must be up for a “reason” and that she needed them at night. They thought that setting limits on this would be too frustrating for her, and so they waited for her to grow out of it. This child did not have anything psychologically wrong with her; she had just never been taught the skills of learning to sleep. Treatment consisted of education regarding sleep habits and then “forcing” her to stay in her room while her parents stayed by the door so she could not exit. After experiencing the anxiety and learning self-soothing techniques, she (and her parents) slept through the night for the first time in over ten years. Sleeping in their own beds for several nights created renewed energy and positive relationships. Taking pride in their accomplishment increased their feelings of competence.
My Child Has Sleep Problems.
What Do We Do Now?
So your child does not sleep. The beauty and the joy of seeing your child loses its luster when seen through weary eyes. Sleep deprivation creates difficulties for both the parent and the child. How does letting a child cry at night or keeping him in his room when he is obviously distressed help him develop self-esteem?
A child awakens for many reasons—illness, trauma, a disturbance in the nap schedule. A friend came to me when her child became afraid to sleep at night after they were robbed. My friend herself, however, was still frightened, traumatized, and afraid to sleep. I told her that when her fears relaxed, her son would sleep again. She called me up several weeks later to explain that all were sleeping better in their own beds because the thief had been captured. Babies who are ill or scared will awaken, but only temporarily. If more than several nights go by and your child is still waking, this behavior has become a habit and is no longer a cry for help. Listen to your intuition and experience; recognize that limits must be gently introduced.
It is common to want to avoid the unpleasant situation of teaching your child to sleep. None of us wants to hear our child cry. However, the longer you delay correcting the sleep problem, the more difficult it will be to remedy. Recall that all developmental steps proceed with some frustration and difficulty. The brain needs order and predictability to develop and form neuronal connections. As Dr. Weissbluth explains, a child's sleep disruption creates disorder at the highest level.
Parents need to support each other in training their children. In my own situation, our first child failed to learn on his own to sleep through the night. Being a child psychiatrist had taught me about nurturing and reducing frustration, but not about parenting. Thus, believing the standard theories learned during my training, I feared that I would “damage” my child. I was unable to let him cry initially, despite my glazed eyes and crabby disposition. When our son was thirteen months old, my husband recognized that he was up for the secondary gain of being with us. Together we decided that sleep needed to be encouraged for the health and welfare of the entire family. My husband and I held and comforted each other through that difficult night while we let him cry. He held me back when I wanted to go in to comfort the baby. We both stayed up and listened to the crying, reminding each other that this, too, was part of the “joy” of parenting. After a few nights, we slept peacefully, continuing our growth as a family.
It is a common misbelief that awakening is a signal that a child has unmet psychological needs. This leads to parental guilt and blame. Stop this line of thought immediately!
You may be uncertain whether letting your child cry will damage her permanently. Letting your child cry is neither punitive nor withholding if you think about it as training a physiological need. It is important to understand the context of your actions. You are not a “bad” parent if you let your child cry. Teaching a child to sleep is not ignoring his needs. Infants and young children do not appear to remember crying spells; however, they do begin to remember repeated behaviors from caretakers that form a pattern. If you have been protecting and doling out frustration in small doses during the day, the child internalizes this protection. In teaching a child to sleep, the parent's goal is to reward good behavior, in this case sleeping, without inadvertently rewarding poor behavior, that is, waking.
When Other Issues Get in the Way
Child's Issues
Some children are born with difficult temperaments. Raising a child who is challenging stresses the system. A difficult to care for infant erodes the reserve of parents by excessive crying and demanding. These children tend to have more problems sleeping and then to react more extremely to stimuli, leading parents to be more extreme in their own reactions. You may find yourself short-tempered, exhausted, and frustrated. A simple no becomes a tantrum. Giving your child a blue balloon instead of a yellow one could trigger a major meltdown, leading to a feeling of defeat. Remember, the trick to parenting these children is to become more flexible and leave more time to prepare or to plan transitions. It is always important to look for the positive aspects of each child. The stubborn infant may transform into a persistent or ambitious adult.
Setting limits and sticking to them is extremely important, especially with challenging children. These children may not respond immediately, so you must be flexible. If you say “no playing with your food,” the difficult infant ma
y take an extra swipe before stopping. Avoid the power struggles and appreciate that she is obeying. Unfortunately, because many of these children learn slowly, directions and corrections must be repeated over and over until learning takes place.
Some children are not endowed with all their learning processes intact. For example, children with auditory processing deficits may not use the spoken word for comfort, requiring more physical contact. Children who have difficulty reading nonverbal cues will respond better to verbal commands. Parents usually find ways to compensate for their child's deficits. Frustration tolerance may be harder to measure in these children. Always, a gentle push toward competence must occur. Children endowed differently still need to be taught frustration tolerance despite the challenges it poses to parents.
Parents’ Issues
Having a child stirs up many personal issues that, if not understood, can interfere with parenting. If a parent cannot act in the infant's best interest, there will be specific disruptions that inhibit growth. Some parents lack the ability to read their baby's signals. When children do not have their signals read, they are at risk to develop “primitive strategies,” meaning that they tend to cry and become more unable to self-soothe. Once these strategies are in place, they are continuously repeated because the baby or young child learns to cry to get what he wants. These maladaptive strategies will need to be unlearned in a more supportive setting later in life. Fortunately, there are several books and tapes to help parents learn about normal development. Once parents learn, they can teach their baby.
Some parents bend over backward to appease their child: “I want to avoid the strict parenting that I received.” This may lead to the absence of limits. Parents who are too sensitive to their child's needs risk enabling their child to become too dependent on their caretaker. These children do not learn to read their own signals and require an adult to do it for them. Children crave order, and setting limits is one way to that end. Harsh commands, physical punishment, or power assertion produces children who have higher levels of guilt and exhibit parent-pleasing behavior. It is even worse when, after becoming too harsh, spanking too hard, or letting your child cry too long, you quickly rush to hug your child. This sends a very mixed message to your child. Your child starts to think that crying is what you need to do to be hugged.
Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child Page 46