David, his colouring the same as Dawn’s, wheeled their full trolley over. ‘Don’t tell me you two are having a snooze. We’ve still got half the list to go.’
‘Dawn needs a rest. As would you if you were a few weeks off giving birth. Time to go for a coffee.’ Rebekah got up to link her arm round David’s waist.
‘But what am I going to do with this lot?’ David said, clearly distressed at the thought of having to abandon his trolley and start again.
‘Don’t stop on my account. You two carry on and I’ll give you a ring when I’ve recovered and can come meet you again.’ Dawn was hoping for some respite as well as rest. And the chance to eat something that wasn’t nutritionally balanced. She wasn’t sure she would be able to chomp into a chocolate muffin with the same vigour if prying eyes were judging the diet she was feeding their child. Not that they would judge like that; it was just sometimes the pressure of growing someone else’s kid made her worry more than she had with her own pregnancy.
‘If you’re sure?’ Rebekah said, giving Dawn the look of concern she received with every ache or pain she mentioned.
‘Absolutely. In fact, I’ll just go to the restaurant upstairs. Hardly any walking involved that way and when you’ve finished your list you can come and join me.’
The lift was just a short stroll away and Dawn offered the couple a wave as she got in, knowing they were waiting to check she was okay.
It was beginning to feel a tad claustrophobic. Not in the lift, the lift was fine, but the responsibility of these final days. The three of them had lost the easy rapport that existed between them with the pressure this pregnancy had brought.
Dawn was hoping to spend this next couple of weeks blubbing at Jeremy Kyle episodes (because her hormones were ensuring she cried at the silliest of things) and doing a few things around the flat with Archie not about. This was going to be the first time since she’d started working at the school that she’d been off, but not because she was sick, so she could justify fixing the curtain pole and spring cleaning all of Archie’s toys without him realising she’d moved them.
So far, she’d got nothing done other than helping Rebekah and David prepare for Junior. It wasn’t that she minded, but there was a point at which she needed to be able to walk away. Her responsibilities towards this child had to end, so being involved with the process of selecting every item required for their early months wasn’t helping her situation.
Decaf tea and a slice of lemon drizzle cake with her feet up helped ease her worries marginally. This might not be her son or daughter, but it was her niece or nephew. She was only providing the level of advice she would if it were Rebekah carrying the baby to full-term. It was just the hormones making her concerns swish about like the cocktail she was craving.
Dawn’s phone rang from inside her handbag. No doubt another question. What brand of steriliser should they go for, or perhaps a pushchair was throwing them into a dilemma over whether they owned the right car?
It wasn’t a number Dawn recognised and, for a moment, she panicked about Jane having issues with Archie. ‘Hello?’
‘Hi, is that Dawn? It’s Caitlin.’
Of course it was Caitlin. How come Dawn’s scatty, hormone-filled brain hadn’t recognised the number she’d tapped into the phone less than an hour before? Perhaps for some reason it was because she’d only expected a text in response and now here they were talking to each other. ‘Hi. I just wanted to find out how you are?’ Despite wanting to brush this reunion under the carpet, she wanted to know what had happened after the drama at their antenatal class.
‘We’re fine. Thank you for asking. I’m so glad you got in touch. Have you popped yet?’
‘No, not yet. So, did everything go okay?’ Dawn forked a piece of lemon cake into her mouth, too hungry to wait.
‘Yes, they ended up doing a C-section after Buddy started showing signs of distress, but once he was out everything was fine.’
Dawn heard Caitlin yawn down the phone. ‘Tiring start, then?’ No doubt that was the understatement of the week.
‘You’ll be in the same situation soon. These sleepless nights mean you won’t be able to put together a coherent sentence for a while, let alone anything else.’
‘I know.’ She didn’t want to talk about Archie or Junior or anything else. She only wanted to know if Caitlin was okay.
‘That’s why we need to get together and have a catch-up. I thought we could get together next Saturday if you haven’t popped by then. How about it?’
Dawn stopped fingering the crumbs off her plate. ‘We’re busy on Saturday. We always go to the zoo.’ She said it automatically. It was their usual routine and Archie needed the structure their week provided.
‘Great. That would be the perfect place to meet up. I was looking into getting an annual pass as some of my friends mentioned it would be well worth the money while I’m on maternity leave. I might as well get one and that can be our regular hangout.’
Regular hangout. There would be no mother and baby gatherings in Dawn’s future and she needed to explain why. She just wasn’t sure how.
‘I’m not sure that’s a good idea right now. Not until after I’ve had the baby.’
‘Well, in that case, contact me once you’ve given birth. We’ll organise something then.’
With any luck, Caitlin would forget about any idea of a happy reunion and she wouldn’t ever have to.
When the phone call was over, and with David and Rebekah nowhere in sight, Dawn decided the only thing for it was a second slice of cake. It would help rid her of the sense of dread filling her stomach. Telling Caitlin she was a surrogate would be simple. It was clearing up the past that would be problematic.
Chapter 4
The following Saturday, like most others, was a tranquil sea of calm. Dawn relished them. Because Archie was so desperate to go to the zoo, he always behaved impeccably over breakfast. He was up and dressed and raring to go with none of the school-day struggles.
She’d wondered whether she would make it to today, but Junior was showing no signs of shifting. The week had seen her achieve at least two tasks from her things to do list and Rebekah and David had been too busy installing everything they’d purchased to hassle her too much other than the daily question of: Any sign of Junior yet?
It meant today was as calm as it could be. As soon as they got there they both took up residence in their usual spots. Archie, with his notepad, sat cross-legged on the ground and, even though it looked uncomfortable, he wouldn’t move from that spot for the next hour. The bench she parked her oversized derriere on couldn’t be much more comfortable than the ground, not that she’d tried sitting like Archie. If she did she would never get up. If her memory served her right, this bench had always been this hard against her bum. Or it could be the fact she had two-fifths of a baby’s head engaged in her pelvis, whatever that meant. When she’d been pregnant with Archie she was still in shock and too young to understand some of the medical talk. This time she was paying more attention, but it still baffled her.
Dawn tilted her pelvis back attempting to get more comfortable, but not really succeeding. She really did need to start bringing some cushions for both of them. Taking her sketchpad from her handbag, she tried to relax.
When they’d first come here and started doing this, Dawn would try to join in and help Archie. He liked to do a headcount of all the meerkat family to check they were all okay and, as the weeks went on, he was able to pick out each of the members individually whereas she was unable to tell the difference. Every meerkat looked the same to her. So when Dawn mistook Geoffrey for Elvis the upset made her realise this was Archie’s thing. Something for him just to appreciate and adore at a level she would be hard-pushed to follow.
So the weekend after the Geoffrey is not Elvis saga, Dawn took a step back. She watched from the bench just across from him. He did his headcount of the family as usual, then took a note of each of them, meticulously keeping a record of what each mee
rkat was up to that particular Saturday. At the end of Archie’s study, he would come to her and file away his findings in her handbag, ready for the next week. It was an altogether happier arrangement for both of them and, as the weeks went on, Dawn felt reassured enough to bring her sketchpad along to jot down rough designs and ideas so they were both occupied.
Glancing over at him now, his gangly limbs similar to her own, Dawn could tell he was making a note of which meerkats had eaten, who’d scrapped with who and who’d taken their turn at lookout. She doubted the zoo kept such thorough records as the ones her son did. If they were ever in need of a backup, the bookcase of notepads Archie had would certainly help.
Someone sat next to her on the bench. Why was it, when the zoo was full of places to sit, someone would choose to come and park next to her?
‘Not popped yet, then?’
Dawn turned to see who was talking. It was Caitlin, her husband in the distance, rocking their pram.
‘You can’t be here.’ The words escaped before she was able to stop them. She didn’t want to connect the past with the present. There were good reasons for keeping Archie’s father a secret and she didn’t want to introduce anyone who might connect the dots.
‘Pardon?’
‘Sorry.’ She’d not meant to come across as rude. ‘It’s just my son has a hard time meeting new people and being out of routine.’
Dawn watched Caitlin catch sight of Archie in the distance, just as Dawn had easily spotted Caitlin’s husband.
‘Should I go?’
‘He just needs his routine.’ Dawn didn’t know how to explain it without giving an actual demonstration of why it was best to stick to Archie’s boundaries.
‘I’ll go then.’
This wasn’t how she’d wanted this to happen, but then she’d been caught unawares. She should never have mentioned the fact they came to the zoo. ‘He’s normally better if he knows when he’s going to meet new people. Maybe after the baby we can sort something out.’
Out of the corner of Dawn’s eye she saw Archie stop his note-taking to get up and speak to the keeper, contradicting everything she was saying about meeting new people.
‘I’ll be in touch another time, then?’ Caitlin got up to leave.
‘Another time,’ Dawn said, too distracted by Archie’s interaction with someone she didn’t know to focus on any goodbyes with Caitlin.
The keeper was new. This was only the third time she’d seen him and, for all her talk of him not taking to change, Archie appeared to be happily chatting to this guy. Caitlin would think she’d made up what she’d said as an excuse.
She hoped she hadn’t come across as rude. She was too busy concentrating on Archie as he had a tic. It was all it took for her to know he might be irritated and any second now she might have to intervene. Archie freaking out was never a pretty sight.
Somehow, rather than go into meltdown, Archie was now opening his notepad and showing the keeper, obviously giving him a rundown of everything he needed to know. If Archie was happy to share his notes, the keeper was likely to be stuck there for some time.
Dawn attempted to get back to the sketch she hadn’t started, but really she was keeping a close eye on what was happening. Archie was pointing into the enclosure, then referring to his book, the keeper concentrating on every detail. The knowledge Archie was sharing was as in-depth as any zoologist’s. She was glad to see someone might be finding that information useful.
Archie was only halfway through the notebook and, as he seemed so happy with a captivated audience, it would be a shame to ruin the moment, so she left them to it for a while longer.
As the bench became more and more uncomfortable, Dawn decided to get up for a stretch and waddled in Archie’s direction to check he was okay. Or if the keeper needed to escape.
‘Gosh, that bench is uncomfortable,’ Dawn said, as a way of interrupting their chatter.
‘This is my mum,’ Archie introduced her. ‘She can’t tell who any of them are.’
‘Well, it is pretty complicated. Hi there!’ The keeper waved. He must have been around forty and was a tad old to be sporting dreadlocks, but he seemed friendly enough.
‘Mum is going to have a baby, but we can’t keep it.’
It was nice to know her son was as eloquent as ever. ‘My name’s Dawn,’ she said, somehow preferring her version of introductions.
‘Hello, Dawn. I’m Joel, and so far I can tell you who Elvis and Evelyn are. You’ll have to give me a bit longer to figure out the rest.’
‘He’s going to photocopy my notes if that’s okay, Mum?’
‘Of course.’ It was nice to think that Archie’s obsession would actually be useful for someone.
It was only the following day, when they were heading to David and Rebekah’s house for Sunday lunch, that she realised it was the first time Archie had initiated communication with someone off his own back. People would often talk to him, but that didn’t mean he would ever reply, not without a lot of persuasion over several meetings. It was refreshing to think it had happened without her intervention.
When they arrived Rebekah embraced Dawn and held on to her for longer than was comfortable, but she got that it wasn’t just her she was hugging. ‘Any signs that today’s the day?’
‘Nope. Honestly, I’ll let you know as soon as I have the slightest suspicion.’
‘Hey, sis,’ David greeted her from the kitchen where he was putting the finishing touches to dinner. Roast beef if her sense of smell was anything to go by. That was one bonus of her current status. Most of the time it was her cooking their Sunday roasts while Archie saw to his pet, Norman the tarantula. It was always David and Rebekah coming to their flat, but the more pregnant she became, the more they realised she needed a rest rather than cooking dinner for all four of them. So, with gentle persuasion, Archie had allowed a change of venue until the baby arrived.
‘The nursery is finished now. Do you want to come and see?’
Archie wouldn’t be interested, so Dawn sent him off to be entertained by Uncle David while she followed Rebekah up the stairs. The house was semi-detached with four bedrooms, so they had ample space for an extra addition. The house was pristine and in every empty corner there seemed to be a sense of waiting. Wanting, even.
‘We’re pretty much finished. Obviously Junior will be in with us at first, but I’ve got a fold-out bed for the nursery if I need it for when David goes back to work.’
In the nursery everything was perfect. They’d gone with a jungle theme so it was stone-coloured walls with those clever stickers that meant colour was added in moments. There were giraffes and lions and everything matched. The curtain material, the bed lining, even the nappy bin, were adorned with a sticker to fit in with the rest of the furniture.
It wasn’t anything like how it had been when Archie arrived. After securing the flat, it was David who’d sourced all the second-hand furniture and non-matching fittings. It was flung together rather than planned like this space was.
Dawn wanted to look in the wardrobe. She wanted to admire the tiny neutral outfits she knew were waiting in there, but just seeing the room was enough to know this child was so wanted and would be so loved.
It was nice to see that, now the day was nearly upon them, they were starting to embrace the idea of parenthood being only a few steps away. And it was hard to see how much better off this little one would be compared to all the second-hand stuff she’d always needed to get Archie. But then this wasn’t just about fulfilling Rebekah and David’s dream; it was also giving her the chance to achieve her own. With the maternity leave she was entitled to, she would have the opportunity to turn her artistic skills into a more practical job. Her artwork had been spotted by the local tattoo artist and he’d offered her an unpaid apprenticeship, one she never thought she would be able to take advantage of. But for once in life the planets seemed to have aligned, and helping out her brother was allowing her the chance to do the training. She was hoping to bolster h
er TA wage with some extra part-time work once she was finished. If it all worked out well, hopefully, in the end, it would provide a better future for her son. She just needed to work out if it was the right thing for her.
Chapter 5
When the time came it was too soon. Not in the sense the baby was early; it was just Dawn wasn’t ready. She’d always known the baby wasn’t hers, but that didn’t make the fact that goodbye had arrived any easier. Her hospital bag might be packed, but there was no Moses basket set up to welcome the baby to her home. It might have been wrong, but she let another wave of contractions go by with her mobile phone still gripped in her hand. She needed to call Rebekah and David to let them know the time had come, but for now she wanted to take a moment. Right now, the baby was hers. This connection they’d shared was still real. It still existed and Dawn wanted to embrace it for a moment longer without anyone else knowing.
As soon as she made the call it would signal goodbye to this intimacy they’d shared. There’d be no more quiet moments when she would caress her bump or enjoy a flutter of movement. In theory, the baby remained hers until the umbilical cord was cut, but this whole process was for the benefit of her brother and sister-in-law and, as soon as she rang them, there would be no more moments like this. It was hard to admit she was more attached than she ever thought she would be.
‘Arghh.’ Dawn let out a yelp. This contraction was stronger than the last, Mother Nature moving the process forward even when she was willing her to give them a little more time together. It was a good job Archie was at school so he didn’t have to worry about why his mother was writhing around in agony.
Mid-contraction, Dawn managed to tap out a text to her brother: Baby time!! It seemed the most inadequate way to let him know he was soon to become a father, but currently she was not able to form sentences, so it would have to do.
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