‘The trouble with you, Jessticles, is that you have no imagination.’
‘The trouble with you, Agent Alex, is that you have too much.’
We walked in silence for a few minutes to give my ear a break.
‘Oh, I just got it,’ Jess said. ‘The Golden Rhys – like the Golden Fleece because of his hair. That’s actually not bad.’
‘Duh!’
9
Banished
After a quick visit to the boys’ toilets to wash the poo off my hat, I was almost glad to go back to class after lunch. My head was ringing from all the lie-detecting, and from concentrating so hard on making my adamantium filter work. I always knew that being a spy involved a lot of risks, but I thought the pain would come from being thrown into a pool of mutated giant squid, not from having a farting ear.
‘Alex Sparrow, will you please pay attention. Or perhaps you think you can just ignore everything I say?’
Miss Fortress was standing over me, looking even more flustered than usual. I was not in the mood for a fight.
‘No, Miss Fortress, sorry. I’m listening.’
‘Really? Because it seems to me that you think you can make up your own rules.’
‘I don’t think that. I really don’t. It’s just…’
‘It’s just insolent and ungrateful and I don’t know why I bother trying to help you children, when you have no appreciation of all the brilliant work I do.’
She was getting red in the face and her hair, which had been piled up on top of her head, was falling down and flapping about like a deranged lion’s mane. She was totally freaking out. What the heck had I done to annoy her so much? Miss Smilie already had it in for me, and now Miss Fortress was at it. Come to think of it, Fortress had started teaching at the school at around the same time Smilie did. Perhaps they were working together. Perhaps they were the ones changing the kids. Time to get some answers.
‘What makes you say that, Miss Fortress?’
She seemed a bit taken aback by my question. The whole class went silent and looked at her, waiting to see how she’d react.
‘You were daydreaming and not participating in my lesson.’
‘But you seem extremely annoyed with me. Is that the only reason?’
‘Yes, of course.’ She snapped back at me.
Big. Fat. Liar.
‘So I’ve not done anything else wrong, other than having a very small and insignificant moment of not paying full attention in class?’
‘No.’ Another lie.
‘So don’t you think you’re overreacting a bit then?’
I knew I was playing a dangerous game, but the more I pushed her, the more mad she got; and the more mad she got, the more she gave away. Just as I thought she was about to explode, she suddenly stopped and took a deep breath. She walked over to the windows and started opening them, one by one, muttering about a bad smell. The anticipation was awful. The other kids were watching her, open-mouthed, probably calculating in their heads how many weeks of golden time – a.k.a. the only time at school when you can do what you want and is actually fun – I was going to lose.
But she didn’t take away my golden time. She tried to take away something much more important.
‘Alex Sparrow, you will do as you are told in my classroom. Get back to work, and take that ghastly hat off.’
Not my hat. Please, not my hat. It was sad and desperate but after a lunchtime of constant ear-farting, my head was pounding, and I honestly believed my hat was the only thing keeping the stink from being completely out of control and my life from being over.
‘But why, Miss?’
‘Because you shouldn’t be wearing a hat in the classroom. Perhaps your concentration will improve if you increase the amount of oxygen getting to your brain.’
Everyone laughed.
‘I’m sorry, Miss Fortress. I’ll pay attention…’
I was feeling picked on, and keeping my hat on had become a matter of pride.
From the other side of the room, Jason shouted, ‘Your hat looks like it came out of a bin, Scuzzo!’
More laughter.
‘No hats in my classroom. Take it off now.’
Miss Fortress walked over to my desk. For one awful moment, I thought she was going to confiscate my hat. I felt totally outraged and also, though it sounds utterly pathetic, like I was going to cry.
‘Don’t get too close, Miss, you might catch his stink!’
‘Be quiet, Jason. I’m sick of hearing your irritating voice.’
But the damage was done. The whole class was laughing at me. I hated Miss Fortress, really hated her.
‘I’m not taking it off.’
‘Then I don’t want you in my classroom. Take your textbook and do some silent reading in the library.’
I picked up my stuff and walked out, to the sound of more abuse and name-calling and Miss Fortress trying to get the class back under control. I was so angry, at Smilie and Fortress, at Jason and Dexter, and at The Professor. The stupid lie detector was ruining my life.
The library was surprisingly busy. I didn’t feel like reading about three-dimensional shapes, so I thought I’d have a little wander.
I sidled over to a table full of kids reading quietly. FYI, sidling is the way you walk when you’re about to do something you shouldn’t be doing and you don’t want to draw attention to yourself. The kids were all smiling, so I figured they must be reading really good books.
‘What you reading?’ I asked a girl who was beaming at her book. She had a thin face with a long nose and dark hair tied back in a neat bun (before you think anything bad about me, I only know what buns are because of my sister and her ballet classes). She looked kind of familiar but I couldn’t quite place her.
‘Hello, friend! You know we shouldn’t be talking in the library: peace and quiet are always best when there are words of wisdom to digest!’
She was talking like Pushatron. I instantly went into agent mode.
‘Oh yes, I was just saying that earlier. In a minute I’m going to be totes quiet so I can digest some wisdom. Maybe I could read what you’re reading – it looks like you’re enjoying it.’
‘I am, and I know you would too. It’s the PALS handbook – you can get a copy from the shelf over there. It has a hundred new affirmations to learn!’
‘Sounds awesome.’
‘It’s PALStastic! And I have golden time now, so I get to read it for a whole hour.’
Wait … what?! ‘Let me get this straight: you’re using your golden time to read a PALS handbook?’
‘Yes, friend! If you don’t mind, I must get back to my reading.’
Just like with Pushie, she wasn’t lying. She really was using her golden time to read a boring PALS book in the library. Who the heck was this girl? It was only then that I recognised her: it was Saira from 3M. We called her The Whip because she wore her hair in a massive plait down her back and used it to slap boys who annoyed her. Well, she wasn’t The Whip anymore. There was no way she could attack anyone with her bun.
I looked down the table and saw that all the kids were reading PALS books. I moved on to the next table and they were doing the same. I was about to sidle away before someone tried to make me read the PALS handbook when I spotted The Sniffler.
‘Hey, Marek, how was your detention with Smilie?’
‘Hello, friend! It was wonderful – it left me with a smile on my face and a song in my heart.’
Oh no. Poor Sniffler was one of them. It had only just happened though. Maybe I could snap him out of it.
‘I see you’re reading the PALS handbook there, Marek. It’s an excellent book, but can I recommend something else? We could read it together.’
I grabbed one of my favourite books from a nearby shelf. ‘This book is epic. It has a fight between a yeti and a vampire.’
Sniffler looked alarmed. ‘No thank you, friend.’
‘OK, OK … well can I interest you in pirates? Everyone loves a pirate: all that plundering and sword fighti
ng.’
Sniffler rubbed his face with his hands. ‘I must get back to my handbook.’
‘Got it! You want something with evil robots…’
Sniffler was leaving finger marks on his cheeks where he was rubbing them so hard. He was starting to shake.
‘Magic trees? Swamp monsters? Zombie cowboys?’
Sniffler covered his ears and screamed, ‘Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!’
The other PALS kids gathered round him. ‘When you’re feeling sad and glum,’ The Whip said, ‘it’s always great to hug a chum.’ She put her arms around him.
I started backing away, just as Jess walked in with a book in her hand.
‘Why is that kid freaking out?’ she whispered.
‘Well…’
‘You did something to him, didn’t you?’ She looked at me and huffed.
I pulled her over to an empty corner of the library. ‘Do you see what all those kids are reading?’
Jess peered around the bookshelf and raised an eyebrow. ‘Are they PALS handbooks?’
‘Yes. And get this: all those kids are on golden time.’
Jess’s mouth dropped open to form a perfect little ‘o’.
‘My thoughts exactly, Jessticles,’ I said.
‘So what’s with the boy’s meltdown? Did he just realise he’s turned into a total lamo?’
‘I tried to get him to look at some other books.’
‘Something weird or controversial? I didn’t think they kept that type of stuff in here.’ Jess looked round at the library with what I’m pretty sure was a look of surprised delight.
‘Of course not. Just stories. Stuff about monsters and magic.’
‘And he freaked out?’
We both looked over at Sniffler who was trying to curl up in a ball under the table.
‘Pretty much.’
‘So maybe the PALS can’t handle the thought of reading something that isn’t PALS approved,’ Jess said.
‘Maybe. There’s definitely a clue here, we just need to work out exactly what it is.’
Jess nodded. I love it when she agrees with me. Obviously I am always right, but usually she’s too angry-slash-annoying to realise.
‘What are you doing in here anyway?’ I asked her.
‘Just returning this.’ She held up a book called The Human Brain.
‘You’re so weird.’
‘I got it for research, dummy. I thought it might help us to work out what’s happening to the PALS kids, and maybe what happened to us, too.’
‘You’re such a swot. You could have investigated in a much more exciting way, like by breaking into a brain-research facility, but instead you did a Hermione. If anyone can make secret-agenting seem dull, it’s you, Jess.’
‘At least I’m doing something useful and not moping around the library in a bad mood.’
‘So I suppose you’ve solved the case then: you and your library book of wonder.’
‘I found out a lot about brain experimentation.’
That sounded quite evil and exciting. ‘What sort of experimentation?’
‘Lobotomies, for example.’
‘What’s a robotomy? Is that the thing where robots take over the world and make humans their slaves? Do you think Miss Smilie is the head robot? That would explain a lot.’
‘Not robotomy, lobotomy. It’s a surgical procedure they used to do in the old days where they cut out bits of people’s brains to try to change their personalities.’
What?! Doctors cut out bits of people’s brains? That’s horrific!
‘Oh, yeah, lobotomy. Totally knew that.’
‘Course you did.’ Jess did a small but deliberate sniff. ‘Mmmm, eggy.’
‘What else?’
‘Well, there’s also this electric shock therapy thing…’
‘We got shocked by The Professor!’
‘We did. The electric shock in the ear is obviously what gave us our powers.’
‘So we’re a couple of bad-As, like Electro,’ I said.
‘Except we don’t have blue skin and we haven’t rampaged through New York.’
‘Exactly, Jessticles.’ A sudden, exciting thought hit me. ‘If an electric shock gave us our powers, I wonder if it could take them away too?’
‘I guess it’s possible, but we’d need to find out from someone who knows a lot more about it.’ She looked me hard in the eyes. ‘It is definitely not something that you or I should try to do on our own.’
Well, that’s what she said, but what I heard was ‘It is definitely not something that you or I should do on our own.’
‘I have to get back to class,’ she said, ‘I’ll see you at break.’
‘Yeah, cool, cool. See you at break.’
She frowned at me and left. Life had got so complicated since I bought the lie detector. All my friends hated me, Miss Fortress was giving me a hard time, and Miss Smilie probably wanted to PALSify me. I wished I could go back to how things were before.
I checked that the coast was clear and then started sliding across the floor between the bookshelves. It was kind of like ice-skating, but on beige carpet and in my school shoes, which were perfect because they had slippy soles. I slid and slid and slid some more, being careful not to fall because the library carpet had ‘friction burns’ written all over it. I HATE friction burns, especially when they go gooey and Mum puts cream on them. There is no greater pain. So, anyway, I skidded around and after about ten minutes I decided to take the plunge. Still sliding, I approached one of those stands that holds leaflets – you know, stuff about not talking to strangers on the internet, not playing on train tracks, not riding your bike without a helmet. I couldn’t see a leaflet about ‘not giving yourself an electric shock on a leaflet stand in order to get rid of a lie detector you were tricked into buying’, so I bent down and put my ear to the metal. I felt a sharp shock as my ear made contact. I let out a little yelp and jumped back, right into Miss Kaur, the librarian and Miss Fortress. Damn.
‘I’ll leave you to deal with this, Hope,’ Miss Kaur said, walking over to Marek’s table. (Hope was Miss Fortress’s human name.)
‘What exactly are you doing, Alex?’ Miss Fortress said, looking at my ear, which was feeling quite sore.
‘I was just, um, practising my moves.’ My little fib made my ear poot: the static shock hadn’t worked.
‘I was hoping you’d use your time in the library for something more productive,’ she said. ‘If you’ve quite finished, you’d better get back to class. Miss Kaur doesn’t want you in here causing any more disruption.’
I walked behind her back to the classroom, wondering how I’d managed to get myself in so much trouble. Things had got super-tense, and I was going to have to be more careful now that I had both Smilie and Fortress breathing down my neck.
10
Introducing Agent Bob
‘One of us is going to have to go undercover.’
Jess and I were trying to think of a way to get into the PALS suite so we could find out what was happening in there to make the kids so mental.
‘Don’t look at me,’ Jess said, ‘I’d rather rub peri-peri in my eyes than pretend to be a PALS pal.’
‘Actually, you’re right. I can’t think of a single person who would do a worse job. You’d have to lie. You’d have to speak politely to people you despise, and you’d have to smile.’
‘I can smile!’
‘Come on, Jess, we both know you only smile when you’re with DD or when you’re starting a petition about something.’
‘Well, thanks to you running around peeing off half the kids in PALS, you’ll never get in with them. Miss Smilie and Miss Fortress are suspicious of you already.’
‘What we need is a grappling hook, a can of hairspray and a digital recording device.’
‘What we need is someone small and quiet who can hide easily and who we can trust not to sell us out to anyone,’ said Jess.
‘I know we can trust Darth Daver, but he’s as tall as a giraffe
!’
‘I didn’t mean Dave, dufus – I know the perfect person.’
Jess leant on my breakfast bar so that she was nose to nose with Bob. ‘Please, Bob. We’ll make it worth your while.’
We’d been working on Bob for the best part of an hour. We figured that if we could put him in a little jar of water and plant it somewhere in the PALS room, he’d be able to watch and report back to us. He was worried about getting caught. And, more importantly, he was worried about the disruption to his routine. We’d tried flattering him. We’d tried begging him. The only thing left was bribery.
I stood a bit further back, wondering if there was any way a goldfish could leap out of the water and projectile poo on me.
‘Tell him he can have anything he wants.’
‘He says he doesn’t want anything.’
‘A bigger tank – tell him he can have a bigger tank.’
‘I don’t need to tell him, Alex, he can hear you. And he wants the tank he has now. He’s got it just the way he likes it.’
I really couldn’t get my head round the animals-understanding-me thing. But more importantly, how the heck had he got his tank the way he liked it? Did he stay up after everyone went to bed rearranging the gravel at the bottom?
‘What about a little statue of a mermaid or one of those cool castle things?’
‘He says they’ll ruin the feng shui.’
‘More food, what about more food?’
‘He says, “Are you mocking me?”’
‘What? No! Why would I be mocking him?’
‘He thinks we think he’s fat.’
‘Oh my God. That’s all we need – a paranoid goldfish.’
‘He said he isn’t paranoid. He distinctly heard you discussing it with your family a few weeks ago.’
‘What? He’s crazy!’
‘He said it occurred on a Saturday morning at 9:16. You entered the room first, followed by the small girl who always presses her face on his walls and leaves nasty smears. He remembers it precisely because it was the morning that you first started acting in a bizarre manner.’
‘Oh – that morning.’
‘Did you call him fat?’
‘No. Not exactly. I called him “fatter” than the old goldfish.’
Alex Sparrow and the Really Big Stink Page 5