‘No!’ I shouted.
‘But we need to destroy it. As long as it functions, Joanna Smilie knows exactly where you are all the time.’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘But she doesn’t know that we know that she knows.’
‘Good thinking, Alex,’ Miss Fortress said. ‘Perhaps I was right to choose you.’
Jess glared at both of us.
‘You two should go – the bell’s going to ring in five minutes and I need a coffee before registration,’ Miss Fortress said, opening the door and scanning the corridor. ‘Make sure no one sees you and don’t bring that ghastly tracker back in here, except during class.’
She pushed us out of the classroom and closed the door.
‘Nice talking to you, too,’ Jess stormed down the corridor not especially quietly. Apparently she was still mad.
‘Chill out, Jessticles, we should be celebrating.’
‘Celebrating the fact that we’ve been experimented on by a scientist on the run who has disguised herself as a teacher so she can watch us without our knowledge and then send us into danger on her behalf?’ Definitely still mad.
‘You’re looking at it all wrong, as usual,’ I said. ‘Using their incredible superpowers and first-class spying skills, Agent Alex and The Frowner have discovered the identity of The Professor…’
‘Please stop,’ Jess sighed.
‘With the help of their mysterious ally, they have uncovered a plot to shock their classmates into submission…’
‘Shut up.’
‘And only they can stop it. They are the heroes. They are the chosen ones.’
‘At least we know how our powers work now, I suppose,’ Jess said, as she walked down the steps to the playground.
It was only then that I realised: I’d forgotten to ask The Professor if she could take mine away.
15
I Become A PAL
It was getting harder to practise controlling my power in the playground. Where there used to be kids bombing around playing tag and arguing over who was It, now there were groups of children talking quietly or reading PALS books. We had no idea how many kids had been blueberried, but there seemed to be more every day. Knowing exactly who was a PAL wasn’t easy. Even the kids who hadn’t been changed were acting differently because everyone was afraid of doing something that might get them sent to the PALS suite. Nobody shouted. Nobody ran. Lots of people smiled, but nobody laughed.
Jess and I were discussing our next move when Dexter flew down to join us.
‘Is it a message from Miss Fortress?’ I asked Jess when she stopped twitching.
‘Yes. She said to get to the side gate, fast – there’s something going on she wants us to investigate.’
We hid the tracking device by the Friendship Bench and then walked as fast as we could without drawing attention to ourselves. Now that we knew exactly what Miss Smilie was doing to the kids, we were especially keen not to do anything that might get us into trouble. The thought of being controlled by her made me feel sick.
When we got close enough to see the gate, we hid behind one of the big cherry trees that grow down that side of the school. Miss Smilie stood waiting at the side of the building. She was dressed in dark reddy-purple; the same colour as the rotten cherries which had fallen from the trees and were squashed all over the ground. She had a matching smile, which stretched slowly across her face as a delivery truck pulled up.
Miss Smilie was at the driver’s door before he even had a chance to get out. He handed her a clipboard with some paperwork on it and she backed off a few paces to read it as the driver got out of the truck and opened the back doors.
‘What’s she saying to him?’ Jess asked.
‘How do I know? My ear lie-detects, it doesn’t pick up conversations from a hundred miles away. I might be able to lip-read but I can’t see through that blonde mess you call hair.’ It was frustrating, but I couldn’t see a way of getting close enough to hear.
The driver brought a large cardboard box to Miss Smilie and put it on the floor in front of her. She barked something at him, and he went back to the front of his truck, got something out and handed it to her, looking very much like he wished he could get back in his truck and drive away.
‘What did he give her?’ I asked Jess.
‘Not sure.’
‘Oh my God, it’s a knife! She’s probably going to use it to cut his brain out, or…’
‘…open that box. You’re such a drama queen, Alex.’
Miss Smilie opened the box, looked inside and full-on Joker grinned. She signed the paperwork, turned to the open door behind her and nodded. A procession of blueberry kids marched out and started picking up the boxes that the driver had unloaded and carrying them into the school.
‘We need to see what’s inside those boxes. Whatever it is, it made Smilie super happy, and that can’t be a good thing,’ I said. ‘It has to be something to do with PALS! But how are we going to get close enough without her seeing us?’
‘I’ll ask Dexter,’ Jess said.
Dexter took off and swooped over to the gate, getting so close that he almost collided with Miss Smilie.
‘He’ll never make a good agent if that’s his way of sneaking. He’s so obvious!’ I snorted.
‘He’s a pigeon, Agent Airhead, he can be as obvious as he likes; it’s not as if she’s going to suspect him.’ Jess pushed me back behind the tree so she could get the best view.
Dexter swooped past Smilie again. She swatted at him with the clipboard but he flew up so he was just out of reach and perched on a ledge above the doorway.
‘It’s almost as if he’s trying to wind her up,’ I said.
‘Yeah,’ Jess said, ‘Dexter knows exactly what he’s doing.’
We both chuckled.
When Dexter returned, he described to Jess what he had seen.
‘The boxes are stamped with the PALS logo,’ Jess said, ‘and inside are lots of smaller boxes, all the same, with pictures of mini devices like the ones we use for listening to music. At least I think that’s what Dexter said.’
‘That means earphones. That can’t be good.’
‘There are dozens of boxes – there must be a thousand devices inside. Do you think they can all do what the machine in the testing room does? Miss Smilie did say she was getting an upgrade.’
‘We need to find out.’
‘We need to get hold of one of those devices.’
‘We need a diversion!’
I tried to think of something that would get Smilie away from the boxes without us getting into trouble, but before I could even mention the words ‘ninjas’ and ‘laughing gas’, Dexter took off. As he swooped past the school, he dropped the most enormous poo all over Smilie, who looked completely disgusted. She shouted and threw the clipboard at him, but he dodged it and made a strange cooing noise, which I’m pretty sure was a pigeon laugh. Miss Smilie disappeared back into the school, taking the open box with her.
‘Now’s our chance,’ Jess said.
‘We still need to get past the blueberries without looking like we’re doing anything naughty. If they see us taking a box, they’ll report us to Smilie. Remember what happened to The Sniffler?’
‘I assume you’ve come up with a genius plan?’
‘As it happens, Jessticles, I have, and it involves one of my favourite things: going undercover. You stay here, I can’t have you blowing it all with your inability to do anything even slightly dishonest.’
‘Hold on, hadn’t we better think it through first?’
‘There’s no time. I’m going in.’
My plan was simple. To get in amongst the PALS, I had to be a PAL: walk like a PAL, talk like a PAL, smile like a PAL. The hardest part was going to be making sure my lie detector didn’t go off. If the PALS pals smelled my stink, they would know I was less blueberry flavoured and more scummy toilet flavoured, and the mission would fail.
I smoothed down my uniform, straightened my back, lifted my chin and walked towards them. Yeah
, it was hard to walk without my usual swag, but a good agent has to be able to adapt himself to any situation.
As I got close, I pulled out the PALS smile. The PALS smile is different from a normal person’s smile, and also different from Miss Smilie’s I-want-to-murder-you smile. The PALS smile is the most innocent, carefree, joyful and slightly moronic smile you will ever see. To get it right, I had to think the way a PAL would think: freshly made beds, a healthy salad, everything in alphabetical order…
‘Hello, friend!’ I said to the pupil formerly known as Pushatron. ‘I’ve come to assist you with these boxes.’
‘Hello to you, friend! There are many boxes – an extra pair of hands would be PALStastic! Did Miss Smilie send you?’
Here goes… ‘Yes, friend! She said, “It’s so much better to share the work than to sit and watch Miley Cyrus twerk.”’ I know, I know, but it was the best I could come up with on the spot.
Pushie’s smile flickered. ‘I don’t know that affirmation. How strange, I thought I knew them all.’
‘It’s from a rare, limited-edition PALS book; hard to find in mint condition but it has affirmations for days. Miss Smilie has a copy, obvs, because she’s just so wonderful!’
I waited for the buzz, followed by the stink, followed by Pushatron running off screaming to Miss Smilie, but finally my adamantium wall seemed to be working. The fart didn’t come. Yesssss!
‘Miss Smilie is the most wonderful teacher and guide!’ P-tronny was beaming again. ‘Thank you, friend! Grab a box!’
I picked up a box and started walking towards the PALS suite, feeling pretty smug that my genius plan had worked. Then I realised that the box was sealed and I had no way of getting one of the devices out without it being really obvious. I stared hard at the box, hoping I could use the force to open a small hole, pull one out, and then reseal the hole. It didn’t work. I didn’t panic, because a good agent always keeps his head. Instead I ran to the classroom that was closest to where Jess was hiding in the playground.
I opened the window and used a special Secret Agent code to get Jess’s attention. She made sure the coast was clear and then ran to the window.
‘Why are you waving at me like a maniac?’ Jess asked.
‘I ran into an unforeseen problem,’ I said.
‘You mean because you didn’t think the plan through?’
‘No.’
‘Really?’
‘Fine, Jessticles, if that’s what you want to hear. But just so you know, there’s nothing wrong with a bit of YOLO. If I didn’t YOLO sometimes, we’d never get anything done.’
‘What’s the problem, dufus?’
‘It’s…’
‘No, wait – let me guess… You don’t know how to get a device out of the box without making it look obvious.’
Right. Exactly right. SO ANNOYING! ‘I have a plan – we need a lightsaber, a memory eraser and a hamster.’
‘We need a puddle and some keys.’
‘What?’
‘Give me the box, Alex,’ Jess sighed.
I passed the box out of the window. Jess dropped it in a puddle, waited a minute and then tore a hole in one of the soggy corners using her keys. Because it was wet, the cardboard ripped easily, and it looked like the hole had been caused by some random accident. I was impressed.
‘Don’t think this is going to make me reconsider your sidekick status,’ I said, as she handed the box back to me. I pulled a device through the hole as I ran back out of the classroom and down the corridor. I ditched the box at the bottom of the pile outside the PALS suite and then legged it back to the Friendship Bench.
‘Told you my plan would work,’ I said.
Classic Jess eye-roll.
‘Let’s have a look at Smilie’s new toy.’
The device was just as Dexter had described it: a tiny, metal, pebble-shaped electronic machine with a touchscreen and earphones attached. It looked beast, actually; much sleeker and more high-tech than my battered old iPod shuffle. Beneath the screen was the PALS logo, and ‘PALpod’ in shiny writing.
‘That’s some upgrade,’ Jess said. ‘These must have cost loads to get made. I wonder where she’s getting all the money from?’
‘Maybe that Montgomery McMonaghan guy.’
We sat in silence and inspected it, sitting innocently in the palm of my hand. I think we could both guess what it was for, but there was only one way to be sure.
‘Why don’t you turn it on so we can see exactly what it does?’ I said in the voice version of sidling.
‘No chance. You do it.’
‘We both know that as the lead agent, I’m too important to risk. Turning on the evil brainwashing device is definitely more of a job for a sidekick.’
‘Good thing I’m not a sidekick, then.’
‘If you’re not a sidekick, why do they call you The Shaking Dwarf?’
‘They don’t, Double-O-Delusional.’
‘Well, if I’m too valuable to turn it on, and you’re too scared to turn it on, who can we get to turn it on?’
We looked at each other as the idea came to us at the same moment.
‘Miss Fortress!’
16
Mufti Mayhem
Mufti Day: some call it non-uniform; some call it dress-down (though TBH, not wearing your school uniform is definitely a step up, not down). We call it mufti. It’s a day of freedom; a day of joy; a day that provides an insight into the non-uniformed lives of every kid at school; a day that separates the super-cool from the geeks and freaks. There’s a lot of pressure to choose the right outfit – one bad decision and you’ll be laughed at until the next Mufti Day. And of course there is the ultimate shame: being The Kid Whose Mum Forgot It Was Mufti Day And Came To School In School Uniform.
I was so excited about Mufti Day that I almost forgot about all the bad stuff that was happening. We’d given the PALpod to Miss Fortress to investigate and were waiting to hear what she’d discovered. In the meantime, I thought I’d earned the chance for a little relax. I’d planned to meet Jess and Darth Daver at the gate, though they probably wouldn’t recognise me because I looked so gangster. There was no chance of not recognising those two: DD in his usual head-to-toe black, long sleeves pulled down over his hands so just the tips of his fingers showed; and Jess in skinny jeans, pretend leather jacket (apparently wearing real leather is ‘loathsome and vile and evil and cruel’) and her usual massive boots.
‘Hey, guys, it’s me!’
‘OMG, really? But you look so edgy! I totally thought you were someone else.’
Bums to Jess – she always makes me question myself. Things I thought I absolutely, definitely knew, I’m suddenly not so sure of.
‘Are you saying there’s something wrong with my clothes?’
‘There’s nothing wrong with your clothes, if you want to look like Harry Potter on his day off.’
‘Is that bad?’
‘No, Alex, it isn’t bad,’ Darth Daver jumped in. ‘You should wear whatever you like. You look very nice.’
‘Thanks, Double-D. You look very tall and long-haired, like a young Professor Snape.’
‘Thanks, dude.’
‘Ooh, and if I’m Harry Potter and you’re Professor Snape, that must mean Jess is…’
‘I’m nothing like Hermione Granger, thanks very much!’ Jess glared at me.
‘Actually, I was going to say Dobby the Elf. Awkward.’
For the first time ever, Jess’s cheeks went red. ‘Stop laughing, Dave.’
‘Come on, Jess, you do have pointy pixie ears, and the big eyes.’ Dave was laughing so hard, he was struggling to get the words out.
‘And she’s super-small, don’t forget. You are super-small, Jess,’ I said.
‘Shut up, Alex.’
‘Jeez, I was only talking about the way you look, not your personality or anything.’
Jess stomped off ahead, leaving Darth Daver and me to walk into the playground together.
He was still smiling. ‘I’
m glad we’re friends, Alex.’
At that moment I realised two very important things: one – my ear didn’t fart, and two – I was glad too. Really glad.
Jess had calmed down by the time I saw her walking to the hall for the morning PALS session, so I decided to run her through my latest plan.
‘We could make badges that say “I love PALS” and hand them out. Anyone who takes one must be One Of Them. I’ve seen a badge-making machine on eBay for just £159.99, with free postage.’
Jess sighed.
‘What? Didn’t you hear me say “free postage”?’
‘Let me just check my pockets. Surely I have £159.99 weighing them down that I’ve been wanting to waste on a STUPID PLAN.’
‘Hey! What’s so stupid about it?’
‘Apart from the obvious £159.99-sized flaw, there’s the fact that it isn’t accurate enough. How would we know for sure that the kids wearing the badges were all blueberries? Here’s a life lesson for you: people will take anything if it’s free.’
‘Maybe we could charge 50p? Nobody would spend 50p on a PALS badge except someone who really loved PALS. We might even make a profit! We can go halves: I’ll get a new Wii U game and you can give your share to the lame hedgehog society.’
‘What a rubbish idea! We’ll get caught and end up in the PALS room getting changed like the rest of them. Besides, it’d take days to make the badges and sell them and we’re running out of time.’
I was about to give Jess a talking to about how wrong it is for her to try to crush my entrepreneurial spirit, but we’d reached the hall and it was spookily silent. That’s when we saw them.
‘Woah.’
Jess’ eyes were wide as she looked around the hall at the rows and rows of kids waiting for the PALS session to begin. ‘So that’s what a blueberry wears on Mufti Day: school uniform.’
I guess wearing your own clothes to school is not in the PALS handbook. It would be too much freedom. The blueberries don’t want to stand out and be different; they want to be the same, all the time, in every way. Kids choosing to wear uniform on Mufti Day – it was messed up.
As the classes filed in the sick feeling that had started in my gut when we reached the hall grew stronger and stronger. We’d wanted to know what we were up against. We’d wanted to know how many kids had been turned into blueberries. Now we had the answer.
Alex Sparrow and the Really Big Stink Page 10