By the time I got to my classroom, I was determined to take action. If I could get some new information or evidence to help us stop Miss Smilie and fix Dave, maybe I could give Jess back some hope.
‘Miss Fortress,’ I said, as soon as the register had been taken, ‘do you remember I was asking you about a special project?’
Miss Fortress looked confused but she tried to play along. ‘The special project about…’
‘…that famous painting of that lady with dark hair – the Moaning Lisa is it? You know – the woman with the weird smile.’ Excellent code talk, Agent Alex.
‘Oh, yes, Alex, I do recall that. Don’t you think we’re better off discussing this after class?’
‘Normally, yes, but this is super-important research and I need to do it on a school computer.’
‘You could borrow my laptop?’
‘If I borrow your laptop, it might look like you’ve done the work.’ I tried to give her a wink (Important Agent Note: need to practise my winks.) If I was going to access Smilie’s files, it needed to be from a computer that couldn’t be traced back to any of us. ‘It would be better if we could do it in, say, the IT hub.’
‘It’s funny you should mention that, Alex, because I was planning to have our first lesson this morning in the IT hub.’
She wasn’t very subtle, but nobody seemed to notice.
‘Come on, class, we’re going to do some group work in the IT hub. It will involve a lot of loud talking.’
Once everyone was busy in the hub, grouped around computers, Miss Fortress set me up in the corner.
‘What can I help you with?’ she asked.
‘I need to log in as Miss Smilie and copy her PALS files. I don’t know how to hack, although Darth Daver did apparently, which would have been good to know a couple of weeks ago. Anyway, I have her password.’
‘Do you have something to save the files on? A USB stick?’
‘No, Miss, like I said, I’m not the hacker of our team.’
‘This is the only one I have spare. You can borrow it but I’d like it back when you’re finished.’
She pulled a USB out of her pocket. It had a picture of Thor on it with no top on.
‘You’re like the most inappropriate teacher in the world, Miss, do you know that?’
‘Let’s be quick about this. We can’t afford to get caught. Are you looking for anything specific?’
‘Maybe something to do with a guy called Montgomery McMonaghan,’ I said.
Miss Fortress gasped and dropped the USB.
‘What is it?’ I said.
‘Montgomery McMonaghan was my lab partner. The one I’m hiding from.’
‘Then we definitely need to find out more.’
Miss Fortress showed me how to log on as a member of staff, so I held my breath and entered Smilie’s password.
‘Boom, we’re in!’ I said, as Miss Smilie’s files started loading. ‘I am swag level nine thousand.’
‘Because you entered a password correctly?’ Miss Fortress said, in a tone which suggested she wasn’t very impressed with my skillz.
‘Because I did it with style, Miss. Jeez, you’re as bad as Jess.’
‘Just focus on the task, Alex. Find the files you need and copy them before we get caught.’
‘Yep – deffo another fun-sucker,’ I said, clicking on the folder labelled ‘PALS’.
It was empty.
Thinking she might have hidden the files under a code name, I tried another. Also empty. I went through the folders one by one. They were all empty.
‘Son of a biscuit!’ I banged the mouse down on the desk.
‘She must have deleted them,’ Miss Fortress said.
‘After the thing in the hall when the music was switched, she was clicking around for ages on her laptop.’
‘She probably saved them onto her hard drive, or a memory stick, as a security measure.’
‘So if we want to get those files…’
‘You’ll need access to her laptop.’
‘Then that’s what I’ll do,’ I said.
‘But you’ll have to get into her office! How on earth are you going to do that?’
‘I’ll have to come up with something,’ I said. ‘I am super-good at plans, just FYI.’
‘I haven’t seen much evidence of that so far. She’s been one step ahead of you at every turn.’
‘We got you a PALpod, didn’t we?’
‘I suppose,’ she frowned. ‘I’ve been analysing the device and it seems it’s been created to apply the Neuro-Electric Impulse Transmutation Procedure to the user.’
‘The what?’
‘The spark in the ear thing,’ Miss Fortress sighed.
‘Oh,’ I said. ‘That’s super-bad.’
‘That’s both an oxymoron and an understatement.’
‘No need for the insults, Miss,’ I said. Between her and Jess it was surprising that I had any self-esteem left at all. ‘When we get the files, which we will when I come up with a genius plan, what should we look out for? What sorts of things could be feeding the sparked kids the blueberry information?’
‘Look out for subliminal messages.’
‘What is that? Some kind of underwater thing?’
‘Not submarinal, subliminal. It means hidden messages. When I was young there was a big thing about backmasked music: when we played some of our records backwards, we could hear voices telling us to worship the devil.’
‘It must have been crazy bad in the olden days.’
‘Of course, Miss Smilie would need certain equipment to get the messages in backwards.’
‘Actually, I’m pretty sure there’s an app for that, Miss.’
Miss Fortress looked disgusted and started muttering something about apps replacing scientists and the end of the world.
‘Miss,’ I said, ‘how did you get into the PALS suite the other day, when Smilie was trying to shut me in the tasting-slash-testing room?’
‘Mr Crumpet let me in. He has spare keys for every room in the school.’
‘Hm…’ I said.
‘Do you have a plan?’ Miss Fortress asked.
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I’m having crumpets when I get home from school.’
Miss Fortress stomped off.
When I met Jess at break, she looked defeated.
‘How are you doing?’ I asked, even though it was pretty clear that she was doing rubbish. What else could I say?
‘I’ve had to sit next to Dave all day. He lines all his pencils up in a perfect row on his desk, he raises his hand to answer questions and he doesn’t talk to me. It’s as if he never even knew me.’
‘I’m sorry, Jess.’
‘It’s so hard. It’s like the real Dave never existed.’
I put my arm around her. ‘The good news is that Miss Fortress is making progress with the PALpod. And there’s something else. Back in the hall, when Miss Smilie tried to assassinate me…’
‘You mean when she stood quite close to you,’ Jess said.
‘…when she had me against the wall in a death grip…’ I said.
‘I wouldn’t describe it as a death grip.’
‘That’s because you like to make everything seem as boring as possible, Jessticles,’ I said. ‘Anyway, you know what she said about the meaning of PALS? She was lying.’
‘But if it doesn’t mean what we all think it means, then what does it mean?’
‘That, my trusty sidekick, is what we need to find out. We really need Smilie’s computer.’
‘That’ll be easy, then,’ Jess said.
‘Fear not, Jessticles. I have an amazing plan.’
18
The Plan
‘It was the most complicated plan yet. It required courage, speed and precise timing. And also a stinking ear and collaboration with a pigeon. In other words, Agent Alex and The Creature Feature were the perfect agents for the job.’
‘Shut up, Alex!’ Jess said. ‘Narrating what we’re doing when we’re
supposed to be hiding is beyond stupid. Even for you.’
‘Just trying to add some swag, Jessticles.’
‘And don’t call me The Creature Feature.’
We were leaning against the wall around the corner from the caretaker’s office, waiting for Miss Fortress, who was providing a diversion. Although, to be honest, it was tough even getting her to do that, what with all the fuss about her secret identity.
She’d dropped a test tube of something that looked like snot on the floor in her classroom while I stood over it and whipped up an enormous stink. Jess and I then made our way to Mr Crumpet’s office, leaving a stink trail as we went. We were just waiting for Miss Fortress to carry out the next step in the plan.
‘There’s no way Mr Crumpet is in the League of Villains with Smilie, is there?’
‘First,’ Jess huffed, ‘stop giving everything stupid names. Second, there is absolutely no way Mr Crumpet is a villain. He’s worked here for a million years and he’s about eighty. And third, shut up, Agent Annoying, Miss Fortress is coming.’
‘If she’s coming, then you should be keeping quiet,’ I whispered. ‘And Agent Annoying is a terrible name.’
We watched Miss Fortress take a deep breath and then bang on Mr Crumpet’s door in an extra-urgent way. He opened it surprisingly quickly, considering he was about a hundred and twenty.
‘Please come immediately, Mr Crumpet,’ Miss Fortress said. ‘There’s been a chemical spillage in my classroom. I require assistance. At once.’
Mr Crumpet nodded and turned back into his office.
‘No, no, Mr Crumpet, there’s no time. Can’t you smell the toxic fumes?’
He sniffed the air and made a face.
‘There is an extreme risk of … injury and disfigurement!’ Miss Fortress shrieked, grabbing his arm and pulling him down the corridor.
‘Let’s go,’ Jess said, and we ran to Mr Crumpet’s open cupboard-slash-office. On his desk was a massive bunch of keys with little labels attached.
‘Which one is it?’ I asked.
‘How should I know, dufus? We’ll have to look through one by one.’
Jess started at one end, while I worked from the other. There were literally about a hundred keys to go through, and I started to sweat, thinking that any second Mr Crumpet would come back.
‘Got it!’ I said. I tried to pull it off the keyring, but it was really stiff. We’d come all this way, only to be defeated by a metal ring. I felt furious that I hadn’t been provided with a laser watch for this kind of situation. I bet James Bond didn’t have to put up with this kind of low-budget treatment.
‘Give it here, Alex,’ Jess snatched it away from me. ‘Let me try.’
‘No offence, Jessticles,’ I said, ‘but you’re just a girl. Without super-strength or Magneto’s metal-moving abilities, I don’t think you’re going to manage it.’
‘Got it!’ she said, dangling the stupid key in front of me. ‘Who needs superpowers when you have the strength of a normal girl?’
‘I must have loosened it for you,’ I said.
Jess rolled her eyes. ‘So I guess we’d better split up.’
We looked at each other for a moment. I have to admit, I was a little nervous about carrying out the next phase of the plan without Jess. I didn’t want her to know that, though.
‘Woah! You’re not going to try to kiss me are you?’ I said. ‘Because that’s going to be totally awkward. I can’t blame you for wanting to. I am, after all, irresistible, but I just don’t look at you that way.’
‘You’re infuriating,’ she said and turned to leave.
‘Jess,’ I called after her.
‘What?’
‘May the force be with you.’
‘Good luck, Alex,’ she said and ran off towards the playground where we had hidden Miss Smilie’s tracking device.
I took the key and made my way to the corridor that led to the PALS suite, where I hid and waited. The next part of the mission was in Jess’s hands.
The seconds passed by slowly. My heart was thumping in my chest and my hands were sweating. I imagined myself running with Jess, down the corridors, past the hall, the library, the classrooms and out into the playground. Then, over to the Friendship Bench to collect the tracker and down the side of the school to where Dexter was waiting to take it, fly up past the fire escape and drop it on the roof. Add a couple of minutes to allow for the delay on the bird-poo-disabled device, and Miss Smilie should come out of the PALS suite any time…
I heard the door open and someone walking quickly up the corridor. I held my breath and flattened myself against the wall as Miss Smilie went past. It was time to move.
I slunk into the PALS suite and made my way to Smilie’s office, praying that Jess had chosen the correct key. I put it in the keyhole and tried to turn it, but it got stuck and my sweaty hand slipped off the metal. We’d only got the wrong flipping one! Then I realised I had put it in upside down. I tried again and this time, the lock clicked and the door opened. Well done, Agent Alex.
Miss Smilie’s laptop was on her desk. I was a bit afraid to touch it in case it was booby trapped, but I imagined Jess telling me not to be so stupid. I turned it on, entered the password, and I was in.
It didn’t take long to find the files – Miss Smilie obviously thought her office was uninfiltrateable. Ha! Not when Agent Alex is around. I plugged in the Thor stick, and started copying the files. As I waited for them to upload, I looked around Smilie’s office to distract myself from the panic that might have been rising up inside me, if I wasn’t a professional agent who never panics in any situation. It was like PALS central in there: all posters of sunsets and cornfields with affirmations written over the top. There was one photo on her desk of a man with blacky-grey curly hair and really wide-open, glinty eyes which seemed to be looking right at me. It proper gave me the creeps, so I tried not to look at it. On a shelf above her desk was a pile of memory sticks with the PALS logo on. I know it was a risk but I put one in my pocket. It might come in handy later. At last the final file uploaded. I unplugged and left the room, locking the door behind me.
When I reached the Friendship Bench, Jess was waiting.
‘I hope you didn’t mess your part up,’ she said.
‘Good to see you, too, sweetness.’
‘No problems?’ she said.
‘For once, my only problem is you.’
‘Ditto.’
‘Did she find the tracker?’
Jess laughed, for the first time since Darth Daver became Blueberry Dave. ‘Yeah, I was watching from behind the big cherry tree. She found it, threw a bit of a fit, said some very unPALSy words and jumped on it about twenty times. I think her hair even moved a bit.’
‘No. Way.’
‘I wish you could have seen it,’ she smiled at me.
‘So it’s gone?’
‘I’d say so.’
‘Thank fudge,’ I said. ‘I hated carrying that thing around.’
‘Me too,’ she said. ‘Meet you after school?’
‘Affirmative.’
After school, Mum and Lauren went out to tidy the garden, so me and Jess put my laptop on the breakfast bar, where Bob could see it too, and I plugged in half-naked Thor. We loaded the first PALS music track and literally held our breath as we set it up to play backwards. So much depended on us hearing something incriminating.
A couple of seconds in, a voice started saying things like, ‘Be happy and proud to be part of a crowd,’ ‘Only fools don’t follow the rules,’ ‘You’ll always be in style if you don’t forget to smile,’ and a load of other stupid rhymes like the rubbish the blueberries had been spouting. There were lots to do with being positive, which weren’t so bad, but also a lot about never challenging authority or questioning anything. Stuff like, ‘You’ll only be cool if you don’t break a rule’ and how it’s ‘always best to be the same as the rest’.
Next we clicked on one of the image clips. We played it at slower than normal speed so
we could try to spot any hidden images. At first we saw nothing, and were going to move on to the next one, but Bob started waggling his fins at us.
‘He saw something. He said to try again.’
We slowed it down even more and watched. In between the usual PALS images of trees blowing in the breeze and fish darting in and out of coral there were other images: a bunch of teenagers jumping up and down at a concert; kids wearing hoodies and riding skateboards, a girl with blue hair and a piercing in her nose. After each of the hidden images came up, they were followed by a picture of a man: a man with a disapproving and very familiar face, giving the image a big thumbs down. It was Simon Cowell.
Jess was really, really angry.
‘How can she do this? She takes the most amazing people, electric shocks away everything that makes them special and turns them into mass-produced, plastic nothingness. She’s like a sports version of Professor Umbridge. I hate her!’
She started to cry again.
‘We’ll beat her, Jess. This is good evidence. We’ll show everyone at the assembly. People will have to listen.’
‘Will they, though? What if the parents just see the better test results and their kids always doing what they’re told and decide they like it that way?’
‘I don’t think they’d like seeing the PALS freaking out if they listen to non-PALS music.’ That’s when I had my idea – the way we were going to expose Smilie. The final showdown. ‘Here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to get all this evidence together and then we’re going to make a clip of our own. Something with really inappropriate music.’
‘An anti-PALS clip?’
‘Exactly. Then we’re going to crash the assembly and show everyone there what Smilie’s been up to.’
Jess sniffed. ‘That could work, I suppose. But what if it isn’t doesn’t?’
Time to rally the troops. ‘Here’s how this is going to end: Miss Smilie will get thrown in jail; you’ll get Darth Daver back, and I’ll finally get the respect and recognition I deserve for being a world-class, superstar bad-A. That’s what’s happening, that’s how it’s going down, failure is not an option.’
‘But…’
‘No buts.’
‘What if…’
‘No what ifs.’
Alex Sparrow and the Really Big Stink Page 12