If You're Gone

  “Lillian, did you like fifth grade? My friend Emily Myers said that her big brother said it was the worst grade of all,” seven-year-old Eliza stated innocently. “I told Graham he is gonna hate it but he doesn’t believe me.”

  “I’m only gonna hate it if there's lots of homework,” Graham said with his mouth full. “Do you remember if there was lots of homework in fifth grade, Lil?”

  Fifth grade. Brad.

  “I…” I pictured Brad chasing after me in the gym. “I don’t remember much about fifth grade,” I lied. “But be nice to the girls, okay?”

  “Nice to the girls?” He wrinkled his nose, still chewing. “Yeah, right.”

  “I bet Graham has a girlfriend!” Eliza giggled. “Do you, Graham? Do you have a girlfriend?”

  “Eliza, Graham, if the two of you are done why don’t you see if Dad is ready to leave?” Mom interrupted.

  They looked up at her, nodded, and rushed out of the room, leaving their dirty dishes on the table. This must have been the cue. My eyes dropped to my plate.

  “Lillian, I know this has been a hard summer for you, I do,” she began once we were alone. “I just want to make sure you don’t lose focus.”

  “Focus on what, exactly?” I wanted to ask, but I held my tongue and stabbed the prongs of my fork in and out of the gooey stack of pancakes in front of me. “I know, Mom,” was all I managed to say.

  “Did you get started on that application to Meredith yet? Early admission deadline is coming up fast. It would be a real weight off of your shoulders if you had a plan this early on…”

  I did have a plan, and it was nothing like this. I dropped my fork onto my plate.

  “Mom, we’ve talked about this. I’m not even sure if I want to go to college next year.” I pushed the plate away from me and sunk deeper into my chair. “I just can’t handle all of this right now.”

  Mom let out an audible sigh. “Lillian, as I’ve told you many times, I know what you’re going through...”

  “But you don’t, Mom!” I cried. “Why can’t you stop pretending you understand what this is like!” My voice was elevated and shrill. I wanted the words to come out as a scream but I only had the energy to muster up a high-pitched whine.

  Mom opened her mouth to speak, taking in a large breath as her lips parted, but let out a heavy sigh instead. I took a small sip of milk from the plastic tumbler in front of me before pushing my chair back from the table. As I stooped for my backpack I heard her gently clear her throat.

  “You can’t throw away your future because of a boy, Lillian,” she insisted. “Your life does not have to stop because of this.”

  Too late, it already did.

  “Your Dad and I care deeply for the entire Lee family, but Detective Padron was quite clear about Brad’s past. You have no idea what sort of trouble he might have gotten himself into, or what kind of person he was before you…”

  I heard a soft ‘beep’ from outside. Saved by the horn.

  “That’s Anna.” I hurled my backpack over my shoulder and headed towards the side door. “I’ve got to go.”

  “Lillian, come straight home after school,” she called after me. “We aren’t finished talking.”

  I stopped in the doorway, turned back and hurriedly nodded. Wherever Brad was, whomever he was with, I wished they would come back for me too. It was hard to imagine a fate worse than not knowing.

  Anna tapped her fingers against the steering wheel of the running car, bobbing her head to the pop song that played over the radio. A pink, rose-shaped air freshener swung back and forth from the rearview mirror. Her freshly chopped brown hair was pulled behind her ears and she hid her hazel eyes behind large sunglasses as she sat in the driver seat waiting for me. I made my way to the passenger door and gave her a small smile, slinging my bag into the backseat.

  “Good morning, Darling,” she said in a British accent as I pulled the seatbelt across my body.

  “You got here just in time. I couldn’t handle another college speech this morning.”

  “Sorry, it took me forever to figure out what to wear.”

  Anna was dressed to impress, as always, in coral skinny jeans with a flowing off-white tank top, accented by gold costume jewelry that jingled around her wrists and neck. I glanced down at my oversized flannel shirt; I was already beginning to sweat in the August heat.

  “Please tell me you slept last night, Lil,” Anna said knowingly, keeping her eyes on the rearview mirror as she backed out of my driveway.

  “Yes… I rested.”

  “Well, how are you doing? I feel like I haven’t seen you in weeks. Are you ready to go back to school?” She pulled the car onto the street and sped towards the distant stop sign at the end of our quiet road.

  “No,” I sighed. Not that I have much of a choice.

  “I’m sorry. I miss him too,” she said softly. “Even though he graduated… it’s going to be weird. Without him, I mean.” She briefly took her eyes off the road to exchange a look of comfort. “I know today is probably going to suck. But I’m here for you, okay? We all are.”

  ****

  The Lions Port High parking lot was bustling with our classmates as we pulled in, some chatting with friends on the sidewalk while others made their way to their first-period classrooms. Anna jerked the car into her assigned spot-right beside Tess Janning’s brand new convertible that her parents had bought for her as an early graduation present. She turned off the engine and looked at me as she unbuckled her seatbelt.

  “Day one,” she said, offering a cheesy, oversized grin. “Only one hundred and sixty-three more to go. Yes, I counted.”

  I let out a little grunt in place of a laugh. I reached to the back seat to retrieve my book bag as Anna let the drivers side door slam behind her. She and Tess began chatting loudly outside the window, complimenting each other on their tan skin and outfit choices. Just as I turned to exit the car, my eyes caught the rearview mirror. Behind Anna’s compact, an empty parking space sat ominously. Brad’s spot had been untouched all summer, preserving the skid marks from his truck tires as the pavement and spray painted numbers ‘861’ faded in the sun.

  I pulled a small tube of cherry lip balm from my pocket and removed the cap, watching the wax rise as I twisted the plastic gear on the bottom. I stared at myself in the rearview, rubbing the red balm across my dry lips before my focus shifted again to the parking space behind me. A truck raced into the spot and the vibrations from the bass guitar that played through the speakers shook me in my seat. I caught my breath and squinted to make out the driver and passenger. As my eyes focused on the truck I realized what I was looking at-there in the passenger seat sat a prettier, happier version of myself, applying lip gloss and laughing next to Brad.

  Brad reached towards me and brushed the hair out of my face before he grabbed my cheeks and pulled me towards him. I watched him plant a deep kiss on my freshly glossed lips and I could almost feel his embrace. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine he was beside me again, only in Anna’s car instead of his silver truck. But I jumped at the sudden honk of a horn, snapping my eyes open as my fantasy evaporated. I held my breath and as a black SUV appeared in the mirror and pulled into the empty parking spot I had been captivated by moments before.

  “Hey there, hot stuff!” Thomas shouted to Anna as he leaned out the driver’s side window of the SUV.

  I sighed and ducked my head to exit the car, gently shutting the door behind me. Tess and Anna stood gossiping behind the bumper. Tess turned towards me with a smile, showing off the blonde tips she had added to her dark locks over the summer.

  “Lillian, I thought you were going to spend homeroom in the car!” she exclaimed with a laugh. “What took you so long?”

  I shrugged my shoulders and looked towards Thomas as he watched us from behind the tinted windshield.

  “It’s just Thomas, Lil,” Anna said. “I’m sorry, I forgot to tell you he was assigned to Brad’s space. He was planning to park in the gravel lot, out of r
espect for Brad, but then his first-period class got changed to the east wing and it just doesn’t make much sense for him to walk from the exact opposite end of the building...”

  “And I know Brad is still missing, Lil,” Tess interjected. “But he wouldn’t have been parking here, anyway. Because he graduated, I mean.”

  Anna’s eyes searched mine for a reaction but my expression was blank. I didn't want to admit that Tess was right. The SUV continued to run as Thomas sat inside it, watching us.

  “I really am sorry, Lil… we told him it was okay, but we should have talked to you first…” Anna trailed on.

  “It’s fine,” I finally said. “You’re right. Brad doesn’t go here anymore.”

  Our eyes locked for a moment before I looked to Thomas and gave him a nod. In response, the hum of the black SUV went silent and Thomas stepped out.

  “Hey Lil,” he said, extending one arm to hug me. “How are you?”

  “I’m here,” I grunted. What am I supposed to say? Oh, I’m fine, great actually, thanks for asking?

  Thomas laid a quick smack on Anna’s lips and motioned towards the school. “All right, ladies. Shall we?”

  Mandy, followed closely by her summer fling Parker Felton, rushed to join Tess and Thomas as they headed for the side entrance to the building. The group went on chatting and laughing like normal high school seniors who hadn’t lost a peer just months earlier. I had known coming back to school would be hard, but nothing could have prepared me for the utter happiness that was occurring all around me. Dragging my feet, I tried to follow the group, but I felt as though I was sinking into the pavement.

  “Hey, are you sure it’s okay?” Anna asked, hanging back. “I can tell Thomas it’s not going to work out and he can just park in the other lot, it’s really no problem at all. He won’t care...”

  “No, no.” I shook my head. “Thanks, though. It’s fine.” It is just a parking space, after all. If all I have left of Brad is a patch of black asphalt then things are worse than I thought.

  “I knew you’d be cool,” Anna said as she nudged me with her elbow. “Now come on, Lil. Everything’s going to be fine. We’re almost out of here! Senior year!”

  I nodded and forced a tight-lipped smile, watching as she rushed towards the open doors. Anna joined our group inside the building, leaving me alone on the other side. I stopped for a moment and took a deep breath as the students around me funneled into the school like livestock. I took my first step onto the concrete floor of the east wing just as a shrill bell rang from above my head. The doors behind me swung shut. I was trapped in my own little educational nightmare.

  Anna and Thomas rushed through the crowded hallway and I found myself lost in a pool of students. I'd had many nightmares about this exact scene. Sometimes I was naked and other times I was disfigured, but in every dream I was alone and surrounded by eyeballs. I walked towards my homeroom, knowing I was fully clothed, yet I still felt so exposed.

  A girl I had sat beside in Geometry the year before, Cadence Campbell, stood by the wall and kept her eyes locked on me as I moved. The moment I looked her way she snapped her head towards her locker to avoid my gaze. I let out a heavy sigh. The hallway chatter was loud but I could still make out sentences that seemed to be about me.

  “Wow, she’s actually here.”

  “You know, they still don’t know what happened to that guy.”

  “I was lab partners with Brad last year. Lillian’s nice, but something always seemed a little off with him.”

  “Poor thing.”

  “Wow, is that really her?” one girl asked her friend. “She looks terrible!”

  I was no longer normal to my peers. In fact, I wasn’t even Lillian anymore. I was just ‘that girl who knew the missing guy.’ And yes, ‘knew’. Brad wasn't referred to in the present tense.

  ****

  I spent first period in a daze. Mr. Liner, my homeroom teacher, went over important dates coming up on the school calendar, including the fall formal and the last day for students to pay club dues, and passed out letters to our parents about scheduling senior photos. He offered me a flyer with information on auditions for the drama society's upcoming musical, but I didn't accept it.

  “Don't you usually like to perform, Miss White?” he asked.

  “I used to,” I told him. “I'm just not into it anymore."

  “That's a shame,” he said as he sat the flyer back on his desk.

  You're telling me.

  After walking like a zombie down the halls, I made it to second-period calculus and aimlessly scribbled illegible notes in an old notebook from the year before. As I flipped the page I discovered a forgotten handwritten note on a blue shred of construction paper that I had slipped into the notebook that spring.

  Hey Lillian! Get back to work! XOXO

  I remembered the exact moment I received the note, and how I had blushed when I found it tucked in the pages of my textbook. Brad and I had gotten together the night before to study for the history class we took together, and we sat on my living room floor with books and flashcards strewn across the carpet, doing much more laughing and flirting than studying. I never needed much help in world history anyway, but a study date meant an opportunity to spend a school night together without a hassle from my parents. When I discovered the note before the test the next day I had looked across the classroom at Brad and he gave me a wink. I loved how special it was to share a private moment with him in a room full of people.

  “Lillian?”

  I heard my name and just as I glanced across the room I saw him. There sat Brad only a few desks over, looking back at me and smiling. He wasn’t gone after all; he’s been here all along! His smile was peaceful and content and I wanted to jump out of my chair and wrap my arms around him, never letting go. I smiled back as he tossed his shaggy blond hair out of his face without breaking his eyes away from mine.

  “Lillian?”

  I heard a voice again, but this time it was a woman’s voice. I looked back towards to front of the classroom to find my teacher standing above my desk.

  “Lillian, can you solve the equation?”

  “What?”

  I glanced towards the white board behind her head at the complicated math problem before looking back to Brad. There in his place sat another blond-haired guy, staring at me with a puzzled look on his face. I suddenly thought I was going to be sick.

  “The equation on the board…”she said again. “Lillian, are you okay?”

  My breathing became heavy as I fought back a panic attack. I can’t do this. I knew I couldn’t do this. Why did everyone think I could do this? My eyes filled with tears and the milk I had forced down for breakfast was quickly making its way back up into my throat.

  “I’m sorry. I just need some air.”

  I snatched my book bag from under the desk and shoved my notebook inside, stumbling over my own feet as I rushed out of the room. I could feel the entire class’s eyes on me as I pushed the door open and fell out into the hallway. I have to get out of here. I raced through the empty halls towards the first exit I could find until I was alone in the daylight outside the school walls. I was free, yet still trapped in the true story of my life.

  I stopped for a moment to realize what I was doing. I had never cut class in my entire career as a student; in fact, I was rarely even tardy. But I wasn’t the same person I had once been. How can I be the same person when a part of me is missing? How can anyone expect me to be the same straight-A student after what I have gone through the past few months? How can they think I can walk down those halls and not see his face everywhere I turn? I was suddenly overcome with the desire to run-run and leave it all behind. I tightened the straps of my backpack over my shoulders and took off into the parking lot. Destination – anywhere but here.

  Relationship Status:

  It’s Complicated

  Once I reached the busy downtown street I stopped to catch my breath, leaning my hands against my knees as I panted. Deep b
reath in, deep breath out. When I looked up I found myself in front of Crayborn’s Hardware Store, the neon sign blinking at me. Brad had worked there for the past few years, keeping the shelves stocked and assisting the locals who spent their afternoons picking out correctly sized screws and new wrenches. Mr. Crayborn was behind the counter, placing materials into a brown paper bag. He noticed me through the glass. He nodded and gave me a smile.

  Seeing the familiar shelves of the store, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the desire to call Detective Padron; it had been weeks since I had heard anything from him. I fished my cell phone from my pocket but the screen was black. The battery was dead after failing to charge it the night before. I backed away from the hardware store window and headed towards the diner I had frequented with Brad in search of a phone.

  Inside the nostalgic fifties-style restaurant, the sweet scent of deep-fried dough and fresh baked desserts filled my nostrils. The aroma was overwhelming, but I wasn’t hungry. I leaned across the stainless steel counter as a wrinkled, frizzy-haired waitress came towards me.

  “Hi there honey, what can I get you?” she asked, pulling a small notepad and pen from the breast pocket of her ruffled apron.

  “I just need to use the phone.”

  “Well certainly, sugar. Assuming it’s a local call. My boss gets real annoyed when we call long distance,” she replied with a chuckle as she lifted an old-fashioned, teal colored dial phone from beneath the counter.

  “Yes, Ma’am.” I nodded, reaching for it.

  “Bet you gotta call your sweetheart, don’t ya?” she asked with a wink.

  “No Ma’am,” I whispered, sliding the phone towards me. The waitress backed away as I dialed. I had memorized the number three and a half months ago.

  After three rings, a gruff voice picked up. “Morris County Police Department.”

  I could barely hear him over the bustling noise in the background.

  “Yes, Detective Padron, please. Tell him it’s Lillian White. I'm calling regarding Brad Lee’s case.” I held my hand over the mouth of the phone, hoping the other dining customers wouldn’t overhear. On the stool to my left, an older gentleman was peering at me over his newspaper.